My First Love, My Only Love

         As the school bell rang, the students stood up and hurriedly packed their bags, even though the teacher hadn't dismissed them yet. The atmosphere had suddenly changed from tense to a joyful one.
         "All right! I had enough of this! Everybody sit down!" the teacher ordered.
         The students groaned as they went back to their seats. Students from the other classes went by theirs, talking cheerfully among themselves. To the people in the class, it seemed as though the students were mocking them. But for once, I was glad that our teacher stalled us.
         "I know all of you are happy that today is the final day of school..." she began. The students cheered at this. Our teacher, Mrs Ong, crossed her arms and waited for the cheering to subside with a look of seriousness, which I knew that all of us had grown familiar with, before continuing. "But this is your final day in secondary school as well."
         The room grew silent as we realised this. If I would try to listen carefully to my surroundings, maybe I could even hear the person sitting nearest to me breathing. It was that kind of silence, which only pointed to the fact that we paid more attention to the teacher standing before all of us then.
         Ms Ong carried on with her speech, breaking the eerie silence that had fallen upon the class.
         "So I want all of you to take a few minutes to look around this class. Try to remember the happy moments you all had within this classroom and cherish them. Remember your classmates when all of you have gone on your separate ways and please, don't forget me."
         She added the last bit sarcastically and we all laughed at her pleasing sense of humour.
         "Your secondary school years are the ones which you will cherish the most for the rest of your life. Even after ten years down the road, you will think back and remember your time in this school. So treasure them. I have only this left to say: Good luck to all of you on your 'O' level exams!"
         The cheering resumed once again and we said thank you to Ms Ong. After that, the class became a temporary photo shoot area. We took pictures of each other, in a group or with someone else, using our handphone cameras. Some had even brought along their digital cameras. Ms Ong then took a class photo for all of us before we slowly exited our classroom with much hesitation. We had developed a sense of belonging with the place and since we were leaving it, it felt awkward, like leaving your old house, which you had lived in for the past four years.
         I stayed back and went to sit on my usual chair again. Memories of the past year slowly came freely into my mind, bringing along feelings of sadness and satisfaction. Sadness as the year is close coming to an end, satisfaction as my classmates as my classmates and I would have memories that would last a lifetime. Not soon enough, my mind reverted back to what I had been thinking about the whole morning. I was totally engulfed in my own world that I didn't realise that someone was tapping onto my shoulder.
         "Come on, Shaun. What are you waiting for?"I heard a voice asked me.
         I turned to look at the source of the voice. It was my friend, Gary. He was standing beside me, a curious look on his face, and staring at me, who was still sitting on my chair. He must have thought that his was rather peculiar, as I had always been the one who had friends around me. Although sometimes I would rather be alone, like at that moment for instance.
         "Nothing. Just go on without me, okay?" I replied.
         He should have also noticed that my voice sounded different. I knew I was not my usual cheerful self. I couldn't help myself. My mind hat day was preoccupied with things that were really bothering me.
         "Hey, what's wrong?" he repeated, taking a chair and placed it beside me before sitting on it. The concerned look on his face somehow irritated me. Don't ask me why.
         "It's none of your business," I said, trying to get rid of him. Even though I knew he was just trying to help, I didn't feel like talking about it with anyone.
         "Financial problems?"
         "No."
         "Missing school already?"
         "No!" I was getting irritated.
         "Clara?"
         "I sealed my lips. He had just said the magic word. Gary sighed before finally standing up.
         "I admit, it's none of my business. But you should try talking to her. Maybe you will feel better after that." He extended a hand.
         "Thanks." I shook it.
         "Hope we could meet again after today," he said as he walked out of the classroom.
         I felt a sudden pang of loneliness after he left me in the room. The realisation of not being able to see Gary again after that day made me wonder how much my life would change after that. Not only wouldn't I get to meet Gary again, I wouldn't see Clara too.
         Clara is a friend of mine since primary school. I only knew her when we were in the same class during Primary Five. Since then, I had a big crush on her, although no one knew. But I told Gary during our first year in this school. I needed to talk about it, as I felt embarrassed talking about it to parents. It was hard to keep things to yourself. Sometimes it may just consume you and make you do things that you don't normally do.
         "Crushes don't last for two years and still going," I remembered telling Gary one day.
         "Remember the sexuality education we had the previous week? The teacher told us that crushes could be strong. But now since both of you are not in the same class, maybe it could fade away," he had replied. Although we were not in the same class, we took the same co-curricular activity, NPCC (National Police Cadet Corps).
         I shook my head and stood up. I started walking out of the school towards the nearest bus stop.
         So Gary was wrong, I continued thinking. My crush had lasted six years.
         One of my other friends had said to me that I would have crushes on other girls, but I didn't. Why? I don't know. Most of my friends had crushes on girls who were pretty. Gary was one such friend. He had 'fallen in love' with a girl since the first day of school. But she dumped him early in our secondary school years. The difference was that I didn't like Clara because of her beauty. I liked her because of her, and hat was why I thought that this feeling was something more than just a normal crush.
         "Hi, Shaun."
         I snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of the voice and found myself at the bus stop. Clara stood beside me, giggling to herself. She must have found my shocked face funny.
         "Ha, ha, ha. You're still the dreamer you were in primary school," she joked.
         I smiled, agreeing with her. We took the same bus together so we would sometimes meet each other at the bus stop.
         "Where's Fred?" I asked. He took the same bus as well.
         She shrugged her shoulders.
         "Not sure. Maybe he had taken an earlier bus," she replied with a shrug.“So… where are you planning to go?”
         “Home, of course! You know me, the sleepy one...” I joked.
         She laughed again. It brightens my day whenever I make her smile. Her smile showed her inner beauty, which I know, I was the only one who could see that.
         “I meant, are you going to junior college or polytechnic?”
         My thoughts returned. When the day primary school students were supposed to report to their respective new secondary schools, I thought my crush would go away as Clara and I would be separated. But we bumped into each other that same day. My hopes had soared happily again. But now, I didn’t want it to happen again. I had told myself countless times that she was of a different religion and I shouldn’t fall in love with her. But, I just couldn’t help myself. The feeling was just too strong.
         “Shaun?”
         I shook my head, trying to get my mind back from dreamland. “Where are we?” I asked.
         “The bus has just arrived. Let’s continue our conversation when we find seats.”
         We boarded the bus and taped our EZ-link cards. We sat at the back so as not to disturb, or be disturbed by others, and our stops were quite far.
         “So?” she asked again when I sat beside her.
         “Junior college. I wanted to be a teacher so I must get to university..."
         “Oh yeah! You told me that before." she cut it.
         We were silent for a minute or so. Maybe the fact that we wouldn't see each other again that much next year made us felt that we had reached an impasse.
         “Oh, too bad," Clara said, her voice sounded clearly disappointed. "Though I wish we could be together again. I mean that since we will be in a new school next year, we will surely feel lost and having a familiar friend around will be really helpful."
         I could only nod in agreement.
         "Oh! My stop is here!” she hurriedly walked towards the exit but I quickly stood up and held her right hand back. She turned to face me.
         “What?”
         “Clara,” I started to say. “Smile for me, please... for the last time…” I requested, looking deeply into her eyes.
         She hesitated at first before she finally smiled. As she alighted, a part of my life went with her. I knew she was someone special. My stop was only two stops away from hers, so maybe, we could meet each other. But I doubt that it would happen. As I alighted the bus at my stop and started walking towards my block, I couldn’t see how I could live without her. It’s not that I would like to marry her, it was just that, life wouldn’t be the same when six years of your life went away.
All I know was that life must go on. I would still have pictures of her, but it wouldn’t be the same. All I could do was to cherish the moments I had had with her.




         Here I am, I thought.
         I paid the taxi driver and alighted. I watched the taxi speed away before walking into the hospital. As the sliding doors opened, a gust of cold wind rushed out and engulfed me. I shivered for a moment. Doctors and nurses were walking around, either to the canteen to take a break or to the lift to their respective wards. There were the usual visitors walking around as well and there was a group of them at a nearby counter.
         I walked towards them and realised that they were crowding around the information counter. They had been asking the lady behind the counter for a patient’s ward number. I waited for them to leave before asking.
         “Whom are you visiting?” she asked.
         “Clara. Clara Hudson,” I replied.
         “Hmmm… She’s in ward-number 81,” she said, straightening her back. She pointed to a corridor on my right. “Take the elevator there. Have a nice day.” She smiled.
         I smiled back and thanked her before following her directions. As soon as I reached the elevator, the doors opened and out came a doctor with his stethoscope wrapped around his neck. I made way for him before entering the elevator. A group of visitors came in before I pressed the close button. When the elevator doors opened on the third floor, the group went out. A doctor then went in. We continued up till the fifth floor, where I came out. I looked left and right. There were corridors on both sides, which led to the patients. The left was ward-number 80, so the right should be ward-number 81. I walked along the corridor after making sure it was the right one.
         Most of the patients have visitors. One of the rooms was having a birthday party for a young patient. I wanted to rush in and say, “Happy birthday!” to the child but thought otherwise.
         I continued walking and noticed Clara’s name on a report card outside Room 12, so I entered it. The room was divided into four sections with a bed in each, one for each patient. A typical B-class ward. Only one of the beds was occupied and it had visitors. I walked towards them. Nearer, I realised that the visitors were Clara’s parents and I saw Clara sitting on the bed.
         “Hello, Shaun. Nice of you to join us,” she said, giving me one of her heartwarming smiles that I had grown familiar of. Her parents turned round to face me, surprised by my own presence.
         “Honey, maybe we should leave them alone,” Mr. Hudson suggested to his wife. She nodded in agreement as both of them excused themselves. Mrs. Hudson gave me a smile as she passed. I wondered what that was for as I went to sit on the now unoccupied chair of Mrs. Hudson’s beside the bed.
         “Hello, Clara,” I replied. “How are you?”
         “Fine, thank you. How has your holiday been?”
         “Boring. I had nothing else to do at home other than doing house chores or sleeping. It has been a while since I last talked to someone other than my family.”
         She was wearing clothes that the hospital gave her to wear. Her right arm had a tube running along to a bag that contained a colourless liquid. Looking at her in this state, send shivers down my spine as I thought about the pain that Clara might be going through. It now occurred to me that I didn’t even know what she was suffering from, but I didn’t ask her then. I didn’t want to remind her that she was in the hospital. I wanted her to feel comfortable and maybe enjoy her time here because I know that being in the hospital wasn’t the nicest place to be in.
         So we talked. We talked about the moments we had in school, our friends and classmates on whether we could ever meet them again after secondary school life and some other things. After all, I was here to comfort her. But I also had another purpose in being here…
         “Clara,” I began. “We had known each other since we’re Primary 5. We had gone through hardships together and we had helped each other along the way. I-I-I just wanted to…” I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. It seemed so hard to say the words even though I had practiced it at home.
         “What?” Clara leaned towards me, making sure that she heard everything. This only made me even more nervous. The thought of just leaving the room at that moment crossed my mind, but I knew I couldn’t. I had gone this far…
         “I just wanted to tell you that I-I…”
         “Like me?”
         I was speechless. I never knew that she knew about my feelings towards her. Were my feelings too obvious? Had she known about it all this while and had not told me about it? But I was dumbfounded when she said, “I like you too.”
         She then blushed, looking away. I couldn’t believe it.
         Why hadn’t she told me all this time? I wondered. I immediately took it back when I thought about myself. I had also done exactly the same thing as she did, not telling her about my feelings towards her. I didn’t want to, as I was afraid she might reject me. She would then start to avoid me. But I was foolish not to have done it sooner. If it wasn’t due to the fact that I might not be able to see her again after today, I wouldn’t have known that she like me as well.
         “I had liked you during our Primary 5 years and I had thought that it was just a crush. But now, six years later, I’ve been thinking that maybe it could be something else,” I explained.
         “The same thing happened to me too,” she exclaimed, smiling wildly.
         “So…do y-you want us to g-go steady?” I stammered as we got personal and emotional.
         Her smile immediately disappeared as my words sank in. Maybe the sudden realisation of how serious the situation might be have scared her a bit.
         “I don’t know,” she said softly, looking out of the window next to her bed.
         I studied her as she stared out the window. She was pretty with dark long hair tied into a ponytail. Although she didn’t have an hourglass figure, she was quite attractive, maybe only to me. I had never seen her with another guy before. I knew her well enough to know that she would tell me if she found a boyfriend. Of course there were rumours that she liked this guy and that, I found myself not giving up on her. But still, I couldn’t help myself from being a bit jealous. Now, I found myself sitting beside her, confessing my feelings about her and for her saying that she liked me too. Still looking at her, I noticed her eyes had become watery. Only then that I realised that as much as I wanted our relationship to go further, it wouldn’t happen on her part. I wouldn’t mind, though. Throughout my time with her, I got to know of a girl. I watched as she slowly grew to become a dignified lady, with the graceful touches of a feather and a smile that could brighten anyone’s day. I must concede that she deserved someone else better than me.
         “So… I guess I, perhaps, better go then,” I finally said shyly, breaking off the silence.
         “Yeah… I’m sorry, Shaun,” she symphathised.
         I looked at her again. She was trying hard not to cry in front of me, but a tear fell.
         “Don’t cry, Clara,” I told her as I wiped away the tear. “It’s your decision. I won’t be mad. We could still be friends.”
         “Oh, of course, Shaun!” she leaned forward and embraced me. She cried onto my shoulder, no longer able to hold back her tears.
         “Rest well,” I said when she finally let me go. Her face shined when the sunlight reflected her face due to her tears. It made her looked like an angel for a while. “I would come and visit you again. Oh yes! Before I go,” I took out a small package from my pocket. “Happy birthday, Clara.”
         “Oh!” She seemed surprised at the gift. Maybe she happened to forget that that day was her own birthday. She took the package from me and slowly opened it. Her eyes shined with delight when she found a crystallised miniature dolphin inside the wrapped box.
         “I wanted you to have some company when you are lonely. And I also knew that you liked dolphins, even more then you liked me,” I added with a wink.
         I left her as she studied the miniature. When I exited the room, I met Clara’s parents. Both of them were obviously waiting outside for me.
         “We heard everything and I wanted to say, thank you, for coming,” her father said, extending out a hand.
         I was hesitant at first, wondering how much he had heard, before shaking his hand. “It’s my pleasure, Sir. She is a close friend of mine.” I was surprised at how easy I had said that when I knew that my heart was broken.
         “It’s a good thing you came too,” Mrs. Hudson suddenly said. She was wiping the corners of her eyes. I deduced that she was crying.
         “Why?” I asked, feeling puzzled.
         “I don’t think we should tell him, Honey,” her husband told his wife, lowering his voice, although I could still hear him.
         “If it has anything to do with Clara, I have the right to know!” I had a feeling it was bad news.
         Her father sighed before drawing in a deep breath and continuing.
         “Her condition had worsened steadily. The doctor predicted she might not last to see the end of a week. I’m sorry to say this but… she will die soon and there’s nothing we could do.” He and his wife then went into the room to accompany Clara.




         A few days later, I received a call from Clara’s mother. She told me that Clara wanted to see me. I made no objections, as I too, wanted to see her again.
         When I reached her room, I noticed that the notice card with Clara’s name had been highlighted and notes were written on it. I read on and Clara’s father was right. Clara was in critical condition. When I entered the room and saw her, she was pale and thin. She seemed so fragile, like an old lady. My heart broke even more seeing the state she was in.
         “Hello, Shaun.” She still had her heartwarming smile.
         It made me forget that she was seriously ill, for a moment. A devise, which checked her heartbeat, was placed beside the bed. I could see that it was going quite slowly, or perhaps, seeing her like that made me wish that time went by slowly so that I could have more time with her. How I wished that could be possible. A doctor had been checking on her and writing on his notepad before I came in. He turned round, noticing me and excused himself. I blocked his way.
         “How is she, Doctor? Tell me the truth,” I asked in a hushed tone, not wanting Clara to hear our conversation.
         Her doctor sighed, shaking his head. “Her heart could fail any moment now. There’s nothing we could do.” The same words that Clara’s father had used, ‘There’s nothing we could do.’ The phrase kept repeating in my mind, as if it was the chorus of a song. The doctor placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me a slight pat. “You must be Shaun?” he asked.
         I merely nodded.
         “Clara had told me a great deal about you. I was not surprised when she requested her mother to call you to visit her. She knows its time.” And with that, he walked out of the room.
         I stood there for a while, looking at the lady on the bed for a while before taking a chair and placed it beside her. On a nearby drawer, I placed the bouquet of flowers I had brought with me on it, beside the miniature dolphin.
         “Hello, Clara. Nice of you to call me,” I said.
         “Shaun, I asked you to come here as I needed to talk to you,” she said. She must have practiced this speech as she had said it fluently.
         “Shoot it.”
         “I had been thinking, if I could ever recover…”
         “No, you can’t,” I cut in. “You just… can’t.” I was trying hard not to cry. It seems as though my whole world was collapsing. Clara was just too good, too ‘pure’ to let go. Why? I wonder, would God wanted to take this lovely lady in front of me from her parent’s grasp as well as mine.
         “I knew that,” she said. Her confidence was starting to fall into pieces as reality sunk in. “But what I wanted to was that if I could ever continue to live, I would like to be your girlfriend…”
         “Clara, please, don’t think about that now,” I cried.
         “Listen to me, Shaun!” she exasperated. I noticed than that she had been taking deep breaths during our conversation. It seemed as though she was losing her life as she continued.
         “And when that happens, I might even consider marrying you! Don’t you see? I don’t just like you, Shaun. You’re everything to me. I had not liked any other person other that you! And as the years went by, I realised that I love you! You had always been there for me. It is only now that I realised how much you mean to me. And I… wanted to see you before I-I go, S-Shaun,” she cried, burying her face in her hands.
         I was stunned. How could she have loved me? But she was right. I had always been there for her as she had always been there for me. Even though religiously, I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her, but I already did.
         Suddenly, the device gave off a warning signal.
         “Clara, hang in there!”
         I pressed a button on the bed to call for a doctor as I held her hand. I could feel the life draining out of her hand. I held it with both of my hands, not wanting to let go. No, not now, I thought, not when I finally realised I love her.
         “I love you, Shaun… Please… don’t… forget me…” she slowly closed her eyes, giving up to her fate.
         Realising there was no hope, I bent towards her face and kissed her forehead.
         “Of course, I won’t forget you. Always remember, I love you too, Clara,” I whispered into her ear.
         When she let go of her last breath, I laid back on the chair. Tears were freely flowing down my cheeks as I recalled the times I had had with her. Her doctor came a few minutes later. He had apparently known who had pressed the emergency call button and had taken his time to come to the room. He stood beside me, looking at Clara.
         “Let her go, Shaun. I’m sure she went through peacefully.” I watched on as he covered Clara with the bed sheet. He then took a chair and placed it beside me, where he sat down.
         “Let her go,” he said again. “Her part in this world had ended, but you must still continue yours.”
         “Her part isn’t over,” I argued, wiping off the tears with the back of my hand. “She will always be remembered by her parents, friends and…”
         “You.” He shook his head. “I never knew a teenager like you could be so mature. I’m happy for Clara. She had met the love of her life, just like she wanted to when the world around her started to become dark and gloomy. Maybe it’s fate that brought you two together in the same secondary school. But she told me before that you were God sent.” He shook his head again before standing up and walked out of the room.
         I stayed there for a while, thinking how Clara’s death would change my life before walking out of the hospital with Clara’s miniature dolphin. How ironic it had been when a few days ago I had came into this room and gave Clara the miniature to remind her of me whenever she was lonely. But now, it would remind me of Clara whenever I’m lonely.
         As the sliding doors of the hospital opened, I breathed in the fresh air. I imagined Clara getting some fresh air too from the hospital air in which she had been breathing. As the sunshine would engulf her, she would smile – her heartwarming smile. And with the thought still lingering in my mind, I flagged for a taxi and went off.