No more faith

One day a wise man was asked the question. Does God truly exist and is it a sin to rub marmite on ones cat and try to sell it at an auction as one of the great works of Salvador Dali? The wise man replied that he was sick and should seek help, but as for the first question, he replied with a story of his own crisis of faith, and it is as follows.

“My God, I’ve lost my faith; I’ve lost my faith, what will I do, what will I do? No! Calm down, I can get thought this; all I have to do is look at this logically. Oh who am I kidding? My faith is a big part of me, oh woeth me. I mean, it’s not that I don’t believe God exists. I do believe in him, it‘s just that I believe he lives far away and can‘t afford the phone bill. Anyway, it’s not like faith is important in my line of work, I can’t allow it to interfere. What, am I saying, this is crazy, of course it’s important in my line of work, who ever heard of a Pope without faith, well except my cousin Ivan who wasn‘t really a Pope and was just insane, he married a double burger with large fries last year, I wonder how it‘s going, their probably having a rotten marriage by now.
You know I blame my mother. She used to hit me once a week with a frying pan, it wasn’t till I got her a cookery book that she stopped and learnt to cook pancakes the proper way.
And then there’s my father, a great man, except he used to molester me. But he wouldn’t do it sexually, oh no, he did it politically, every night he would sneak into my room and read me Marx. In the end I got thrown out of pre-school because I was constantly trying to rally the oppressed masses to cast down the social and political neo Nazi communist nuns and take the peanut jelly sandwiches for our own.
It all started last week when I got an email on my typewriter saying that ‘if God exists then how can he allow New York to win the European song contest’. I emailed him back explaining that New York wasn’t in Europe but was, in fact, a city in America. He replied with an apology but alas it was too late, the damage had already been done.
I lay awake all that night thinking, if God did exist, truly, then how can he really allow all the pain and misery that goes through this world to continue? Also how can he allow everyone but me to end up in bed with a 16 year old blond?
It was then that God gave me a sign, a truly magnificent sign, something so amazing that it would change the fate of mankind forever. I forget what it was exactly at this moment in time, but take it from me, it reaffirmed my faith and I have never doubted since that day."

So what can we learn from this story of a wise man? I think that the first is that, no matter what your religious belief, you should never doubt who or what you are, this is especially true of lampshades. The second is that no matter what, never travel to London by car as you are liable to get lost, always go by train, failing that, a mule.