5. Bipolar Self-Banter

5. Bipolar Self-Banter

Because I don't remember much after the symptomatic episode passes, I've begun to record what I feel when I'm in one of those states. They come from time to time, and I know the episode will eventually pass. They never pass soon enough--especially not in the winter.

Spring will soon be in the air, and I firmly believe that this unwanted state will pass when I get more direct daylight. My symptoms weren't as severe when I lived on the coast. I hope to have an easier time of mental health again. If I can live where there are fresh blowing air and direct sunshine I believe my environment will improve my mental health. A coastal seasonal environment is my best location for the fewest symptoms. To each, his own.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The diagnosis is ten years old now. I believe it, and I don't. To a great extent, it doesn't matter. I am what I am.

When you get a diagnosis like mine, it's very unsettling. It's as if society has singled you and your specific behavior out, and deemed it inappropriate. Doctors dictate what medications will make you right and proper. Having a good psychiatrist and a good therapist is important because they can help. Right now, I have neither.

My psychiatrist is not listening to my needs. and wants. and fears, and problems. I decided today that he can't help me, and I need to find another doctor. I'm not mentally up to interviewing the pages of psychiatrists I may choose from in my health insurance group. I'm fed up with the pompously educated non-personally involved conning me into taking the meds their research says will help. Too many just don't give a damn, and I'm tired of downing their prescription antipsychotic cocktails, feeling no better, and having side effects that rob me of my ability to think and function as God intended.

Who are these people who think they can improve on what God made, with His own purpose, in order to make all the lines on the scantron sheet within acceptable limits?

Yes, I'm off my meds. I didn't intend it, but I'm not going to take medication that makes me feel wrong. I'm depressed, and the doctor is focusing on obliterating my mood swings. "Wrong!" I can tell which symptom is more severe and needs a medical zap. But this doctor won't listen to me.

Shall I tell him, "If you don't get the depression under control first, you won't have to worry about the mood swings because I'll be a suicide statistic!" I think not. If he doesn't already know that, he doesn't need to practice on me.

They don't understand, that from the inside you can't see a mood swing. Mine happen so often and so quickly that I don't realize, or acknowledge to myself that they are happening. At one time, I counted myself as having had a dozen mood swings in less than a day. That's symptomatic.

When faced with a self-test asking how many times a day my mood swings, I can't answer. I don't know. That is something that is possibly easier to see from the outside, by other people. That's just my opinion, but a thinking point too. Before I was diagnosed I never thought about it. Things happen, and people get over it. I manage, though I can be singing one minute, and crying the next. Is that so unusual if your life just happens to be a sad love song, every hour on the hour?

I don't know if I've got it in for the meds, or for the doctors. I'm not generally happy with my present medical community--you don't just have one doctor anymore. But, they don't communicate with each other--there are too many to put in a loop, or to keep them in communication if you were able to get them in line. I'm depressed. I've been depressed since November. I ran out of my anti-depressant, and this new doctor wanted to attack the problem by having me take multiple meds because they work in conjunction with each other best.

One caused a rash, which FDA warnings said could turn life-threatening for 1 in 1000. I got a rash when I took the med before, and I told him. He told me not to scratch if it itched and insisted this particular med was as important as taking Cipro if you were exposed to anthrax. I tried again, and I got a rash again. A rash is not a good sign, and this med is not for me. If I continue with this doctor, he will continue to not listen to my concerns. He's not able to help me, so I must move on. I can do this because I want to control my life, as much as I can with the right meds from the right doc. I've had enough doctors control me with the wrong medications.

~~~
I've lost three doctors the past year. The most recent was rather dramatic. The final result was my pain management doctor sending me a certified letter, saying that we long longer had a professional relationship. Considering what I did, I don't blame him, but I thought he'd have a thicker skin. Without going into details at this point, what happened was that I scared a doctor off. He wanted to have my signature that he was no longer responsible for my care. The paperwork which has followed makes me feel as if I have been booted out. I've never actually had a doctor fire me before, though I've left a few with some righteous words of indignation. That's all this is, but it stings worse.

When you're depressed, it's difficult to see the good and bright things in the world. It's an emotional fog of ever-increasing opacity. It's difficult to move the mind ahead. It's stuck in the mud and the muck. Depression has to do physically with the transmission of certain chemicals in the nervous system. If some chemicals are lower than necessary, or higher than necessary, the emotions aren't going to be stable. I can believe it because I experience it. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble responding rationally when my emotions flare. My emotions hit me with a speed I cannot control. I've been suicidal before, but I'm not now.

A lot of any treatment has to do with believing it will work. I'm fed up with treatments that don't work. I know some of their meds help, but it needs to be my decision about weighing the pros and the cons of the meds and saying I'll take them or I won't. If the negative side effects outweigh the perceived improvement, I should be able to say I won't take that pill.

But when I do that, doctors don't take it well. Doctors generally don't accept constructive criticism well. That's not supposed to be my problem, but it's one thing that's holding me back from taking any action. I need to take action and get me on the right meds. But they don't like you to self-prescribe. Everything that goes through my head right now leads me in circles--doubting, conflicted in my thinking, just stuck in unhappy.

I can believe in God more than the doctors right now. God gives life and love, and He doesn't need your insurance card. He's not cheap, but He doesn't cost money. His ego is never in question.

Am I expecting my doctor to be God? Is that what my society has dictated? Can somebody stop the world? If I could get off, and then get back on I know I would feel better.

This probably rambled, and may not make sense. I'm writing this so I can read it later, and see if my thoughts make sense. When you're bipolar "they" don't encourage you to trust your instincts. I want to throw my diagnosis back. I just want to be me in my own skin. Why is that so much to ask?


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