Oh God: Chapters 7-13

Chapter 7: A Vacuum Cleaner Named Sue

The next morning Ally walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. Batman was already up, as usual, making breakfast for their newfound ‘family’. She set Puck down on the table and sat down on the bar stool at the counter.
“How beauteous mankind is.” Puck whispered maliciously, grinning from ear to ear. Batman whipped around, facing the small rodent with his spatula.
“One word from you rat, and we’re going to be having friend ferret omelets.” Batman said. Ally didn’t protest, she had had enough of the riddle speaking ferret to last her a lifetime.
“Good morning Ally dear.” Batman said to the sleepy girl kissing her on the forehead. “For breakfast I’m making waffles and scrambled eggs.”
“Mmm…” she responded with a yawn and a smile. Mr. Rubecca walked in and sat next to Ally with the Sunday paper. He wore green flannel pajamas and forest green slippers. His dark brown hair was unkempt and sticking up at random angles. His beard was all frizzy. He still resembled Hagrid.
“Smells good.” He said to the cheerful humming Batman. He set a large plate of Belgium waffles at the center of the table, perfectly square and golden. He gave Ally and Mr. Rubecca each two eggs and a sliver off fried bacon, formatted to a smiley face. Ally poked at it, her face slightly troubled.
“What’s the matter now?” Batman asked with a sigh.
“I can’t eat this.” Ally squeaked.
“Why not?”
“It’s smiling, it has a face, it has feelings just like us.” She said, lower lip trembling as she looked up at Batman with her big blue eyes.
“Ugh, fine, eat your waffles then.” Batman said sliding the omelets over to Puck. Puck shook his head.
“Orangey Juice.” Puck said.
“I know you like Orange Juice,” Batman scowled. “But eat Ally’s omelets.”
“No, Puck only drink Orangey Juice. “ he moaned, rolling back and forth over the counter tops.
“What do you mean?” Batman snarled. “You can’t live off of Orange Juice!”
“Yes.” Puck argued.
“No.” Batman said.
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
Mr. Rubecca slammed the carton of orange juice on the table, causing both Batman and Puck to jump.
“Just give the thing the damn orange juice.” He said violently, then returning his gaze to the Sunday comics.
Later that day, once Batman and Mr. Rubecca went to the grocery store, Ally and Puck decided to play a game of hide-and-seek. Ally repetitively hid in the closet, each time saying to herself that Puck would never find her. After doing this for the fourteenth time, she finally got a response from the pitch-black closet.
“Five bucks says he won’t find you this time.” Came a snide grumbling voice.
“God?” Ally asked, looking into the darkness but only seeing…darkness.
“Yes, its God Ally, and I want you to go find the nearest fifty story tower and jump,” The voice responded innocently. “No, I’m not God you stupid girl, my name is Sue.”
“Found you!” chirped Puck as he opened the door, shedding light on the mysterious speaker. Sue was a vacuum!!! Not just a vacuum, a Kirby Hoover.
“I’m Ally.” The girl stated, holding her hand out, not exactly noticing that the object was TALKING and didn’t have hands. Sue’s cord wrapped itself around the small girls hand, as if she had limbs. Puck glared at Sue.
“Go back to your closet.” He said snootily. “We no play with maids.” Sue’s cord hand whipped across the ferrets face, causing him to scream in pain and fall to the floor, trembling dramatically.
Ally ignored Puck, leading the vacuum around the Drama Queen pet.
“So, why are you here Sue?” Ally asked professionally, sitting on a comfy forest green armchair opposite of Sue.
“To help make the world a brighter, happier, cleaner place.” Sue said with a false cheery voice and fake sparkle in her eyes. “I’m here to protect you, genius.”
“What are your qualifications may I ask?” Ally continued, peering down her imaginary glasses at the list she now held.
“Well, lets see: I am a Kirby vacuum, I went to Harvard, I have studied the enemy intently for 5 years and….I am your mother.”
“What?” Ally said, shock written all over her pale face.
“I know I should’ve told you sooner, I’ve waited so long to see you. You see, I had to give you up to the forces of evil; they knew the threat you could cause to their plans. They sent you to a normal home in a tiny village where you grew up, but now your back with me and it will be all right, Mommy’s here.” Her long cord wrapped itself around Ally’s arm, bringing her into a hug (well, as much as a hug a vacuum cleaner can manage).
“You’re really my mom?” Ally asked, tears of joy filling her eyes.
“No.” Sue said, smirking. “But I’m a damn good actor, aren’t I?”
“You’re hired!” Ally cried out as Batman and Mr. Rubecca entered the house with a bunch of groceries. Neither noticed the fact that Ally was talking to a vacuum cleaner, and if either of them had, they wouldn’t have thought it strange.
“Hey Ally, want me to make you a new scarf?” Batman asked, browsing through the new Stitch N’ Bitch Nation book.
“Sure, but only if it’s neon green!” Ally said. Mr. Rubecca and Sue were the only ones who didn’t see the practicality of having a scarf in the middle of a desert
“We’re in a desert morons.” Sue said to Ally and Batman who were browsing through the books.
“Holy shit! The vacuum cleaner can talk!” Batman said, staring at it in amazement.
“I found her.” Ally said proudly.
“That’s Sue, she’s a SLUGGS co-operative, I’ve worked with her for several years.” Mr. Rubecca said. “How’ve you been? How are the kids?” he asked his vacuum friend, waltzing off with her into his secret lab.
A few hours later, the pair reappeared in the living room with grave news.
“Evil is on the move, they’ve headed north, we have to leave now before even more people are filled with he evil that has consumed California.” Mr. Rubecca announced.
“Pack up your things, in ten minutes we’re gone.” Sue hummed, heading off to prepare the car.


Chapter 8: Religion

They didn’t exactly take a car. Mr. Rubecca’c car (which is waaaay more loaded than the Batmobile) could transform into a private jet or yacht, very convenient for traveling. Batman continued to make a neon scarf for Ally, and after proceeded to make a pink one for himself. When he finally put his needles down, a giant Gobstopper hit him on the head.
“What the hell was that for?” he screeched at Ally.
“I didn’t do it! It came from up there!” she yelled back, pointing to the light grey clouds above.
“What do you mean it came from there?” Batman asked, glaring. “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
“I know that, babies don’t have wrinkles.” Ally said angrily. “It was a fucking sign from the Goddess!”
“I don’t know of any God or Goddess that drops Gobstoppers on peoples heads.” Batman retorted.
“Not unless they deserve it. And God is a Gobstopper.” Ally said. “She’s wonderful. She’s the one that makes all the candy and sugary products. Without the Goddess, there’d be no sugar, and the world would collapse around itself.” She insisted, quoting Jellibena 11:4.
“What does the sign mean then?” Batman asked cautiously, not sure whether or not to believe the odd child.
“It means that we must spread the word or the Gobstoppers. We must...make pamphlets!” she said joyously, as she and Batman ran to the copying room.


Rich Chocolate Mousse Cake
Yield: 8 servings Ingredients4 egg whites3½ oz / ½ cup / 100 g sugar5 oz / 140 g hazelnuts, finely ground2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder--------9 oz / 250 g dark bitter-sweet chocolate (60-70% cocoa)4 egg yolks2 oz / 1/3 cup / 60 g sugar2 fl oz + 1 cup / 0.6 + 2.4 dl whipping cream
Cake
1. Preheat oven to 180 deg C / 350 deg F / Gas mark 4.
2. Line a 9 inch / 23 cm cake tin with greaseproof or other non-stick paper and grease the tin.
3. Whisk the eggs whites until stiff and in peaks, gradually add the sugar and whisk well each time sugar has been added.
4. Mix with finely ground hazelnuts and cocoa powder.
5. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in centre comes out clean.
6. Cool the cake.
Filling
1. Melt finely chopped dark chocolate over hot water.
2. Beat the egg yolks with 2 oz sugar until white.
3. Heat 2 fl oz whipping cream to the boiling point, and whisk in beaten egg yolks.
4. Fold in melted chocolate. The mixture will immediately thicken. Cool to approx. 100 deg F / 38 deg C.
5. Wisk 1 cup of whipping cream. Fold with the egg and chocolate mixture, one tablespoon at a time until the filling becomes soft, then the remaining part of the cream.
6. Transfer to the cake tin, and place in the refrigerator for several hours.
If served cold the filling appears more like chocolate truffle than mousse.
If you prefer a sweeter flavor of the filling you can use semisweet chocolate (40-45%) instead of the recommended type.


A few hours later Ally and Batman came shuffling out of the copy room with stacks of pamphlets about the Almighty Gobstopper Goddess of Wondrous Sugary Delights and her religion. Batman handed one of the thick booklets to Mr. Rubecca, who didn’t even look at the pamphlet title before deciding that Batman had lost his marbles from spending too many hours with Ally.
“What the fuck is this?” He asked the proud pair.
“It’s a pamphlet.” Ally said.
“About the Goddess.” Batman added, grinning like a little kid.
“The who?” Mr. Rubecca asked, rubbing his eyes.
“The Goddess.” Ally and Batman declared in unison.
“The creator of Gobstoppers.” Ally said, wide-eyed.
“And other sugary products!” Batman exclaimed.
“Without the Goddess, we’d all be forever doomed.” Ally told Mr. Rubecca. “And the Goddess need more worshippers, otherwise the world of sweets and treats will come to a bitter end.” She added remorsefully. “Shall you join us on our quest to convert the world to Gobstopperism?”
“Sure, whatever.” Mr. Rubecca added, barely taking in a word they had said.
“Yippee!” the pair shouted out, skipping around the control room. “Our first converter!”
“Oh God.” Mr. Rubecca said, banging his head on the big red button, causing the jet to explode.




Chapter 9: The End

The button that caused the jet/car/yacht to explode killed all of our beloved characters, and evil took over the world.

The End




















Just Kidding.


Chapter 10: The Climb Goes On
When we last left Marty he had started his climb to the top of his loft home.
“304…305...” Marty panted as he trudged up the green vine steps, his furniture, clothes and refrigerator all piled on top of his small back. He continued to make his way up to his new home, one painful step at a time, until he heard his name ringing from far bellow him.
“Maaaaaaaartyyyyyyyy.” The voice rang through the air. Marty, wondering who could possibly be down there waiting for him, looked over the green leafy railing. His mother waved from below, with some white-hearted fabric balled into her fist.
“Maaaaaaaartyyyyyy, yoooouuu forgot your boxerssssssss!” she yelled at him. Marty sighed, turned around, and started trudging back down the stairs.


Chapter 11: Whores and a Poker Table

Rachel and Stephanie sat at their small collapsible poker table on the street corner, staring at the blazing sun above their heads.
“Three sevens.” Stephanie declared triumphantly, her cards lying on the green table.
“God you suck at cards,” Rachel laughed, as she lay out a full straight. “Now hand over your leather whip loser.” Stephanie glared angrily.
“But it’s my favorite!” she protested as she handed it to the small big-assed brunette.
“Then learn not to be such a sucky card player.” She retorted. Rachel and Stephanie had worked in this small suburban town for years as the neighborhood whores.
“Not fair.” Stephanie muttered, looking longingly at her lost whip. “I really wanted the diamond-encrusted garters too.” Stephanie was a tall thin teen with a short, French-type hairstyle and large brown eyes. She and Rachel had been stuck in the small town for years, and sensed something was going to change very soon.
“Perfect day for a plane crash.” Rachel said looking to the sky.
“Plane crash? Planes never even fly over this fucking little town-“ Stephanie started saying, right before a plane crashed into the house nearest to them.
“How’d you know that was going to happen?” Stephanie asked, glaring suspiciously at her friend.
“My ass told me.” She said walking over to the burning plane. A few moments later a group of people and a vacuum cleaner emerged from the clearing smoke.
“The pamphlets!” Ally sobbed. “They’re all burned up!”
“All that hard work for nothing.” Batman mourned.
“Your lucky any of us are even alive!” Mr. Rubecca and Sue cried out at the same time.
“Pucky want Orangey Juices.” Pucky muttered sadly.
“Shame about the plane.” Rachel said looking over the group of unexpected strangers.
“You guys must have some serious bling.” Stephanie said, running her finger down Batman’s chest, causing him to turn beet red.
“Hi, I’m Ally.” The blonde girl introduced herself to the two whores. “Can we use your copying machine?”
“What’s that?” Rachel said.
“You can share our corner, maybe you can get enough money to fix your plane.” Stephanie offered.
“Actually, can we sit at your corner for a bit? We need to talk.” Mr. Rubecca said, rubbing the black soot off his face.
“No problem.” Rachel said leading the group to their table.
“Men who wear tights are hot.” Stephanie said, looking Batman over.
“Oh God.” Batman said, following the whore to their humbled card table.

Chapter 12: True Evil

“Ally, it’s time for you to know about the horrible, horrible evil you will be facing once we reach our destination.” Mr. Rubecca said with a more serious face than he usually wore.
“Do you really think it’s time?” Batman asked. “I mean she’s so young, and they’re so, evil.” He said, his whole body shaking.
“There’s no better time than now, the enemy will be advancing soon and she has to prepare herself for what lies ahead.” Mr. Rubecca said coldly. “Ally, the enemy is the Ace All-Star Cheerleading Squad.”
“No,” Ally gasped, hear eyes turning fearful. “They’re…they’re…cheerleaders?” she whispered.
“I’m afraid so.” Mr. Rubecca said nodding gravely as Batman put a protective arm around the young girl. “They’ve been taking innocent high-school students and turning them into…peppy cheerleaders.” He explained. “They put them through the Cheer-O-Matic 30000 and it turns them from normal people into cheering squad champs.”
“We have to put a stop to this!” Rachel cried out.
“You’ll help us?” Ally asked hopefully.
“Duh, cheerleaders are whore, we don’t like competition.” Stephanie said, getting off of Batman’s lap. “We’re with you all the way!”
“Thank God.” Ally said, tears of joy filling her bright blue eyes.

Chapter 13: God We Have Short Chapters
(That come in three different flavors)
(Also possibly titled Chapter 13: Questing of a Guitar goddess)

So Ally and her group of companions continued their quest for purification of the world, scrubbing evil away with Batman’s sterilizing supplies everywhere they went. Which wasn’t far.
“My feet hurt.” Moaned Stephanie.
“My ass hurts.” Whined Rachel.
“We’ve been walking for 8 hours!” Ally pouted.
“We should get a motel room for the night.” Sue said to Mr. Rubecca.
“I would, but there are no motels for miles around-“ Mr. Rubecca started angrily, before a motel popped up on the right of the traveling companions.
“Wow.” Puck said.
“That was convenient.” Batman said grinning.
“Whatever.” Mr. Rubecca muttered and went to rent out a few of the cheap motel’s rooms. “We’re only here for two days.” He reminded them before locking himself and Sue into their room. Ally, Batman and Puck went into one room and Rachel and Stephanie in another.

The next morning Batman and Stephanie emerged wrapped in the cheap drink stained (or possibly something else) sheets to the sound of a guitar.
“Play that funky music white boy…” came the sweet sounding voice of the mystical guitar goddess.
“We paid enough money to afford sleeping in late.” Snarled the disgruntled Batman.
“Well someone gets crabby when they’re up all night.” Stephanie said with a smirk. “And the person plays good, stop complaining.” She added as she followed the sound of the funky guitar music.

Eventually, Batman and the under-aged girl found their way into the main lobby. It was pretty shabby, even for a motel. The green carpet was dieing, leading them to believe it was grass, there were assortments of icky bugs roaming all over, the furniture was missing legs and the chandelier frequently dropped pieces of melting iron onto the heads below.
“I know it’s coming from here.” Stephanie said, leading the psychologically deranged man into the room.
“Of course darling. You also said that about the room with the horny old couple, the pool with fungus growing on the bottom and the dumpsters unsuspiciously filled with chopped up bodies in the back.” He said snottily.
“Shut up, will you?” she said. “Just because you’re good in bed doesn’t give you an excuse to be a bitch.” Stephanie wandered through the small lobby, smiling suggestively at the eerie motel owner who was polishing a large butcher knife.
“Thank you Chicago, I’ll be here for three more years or until my landlord evicts me, thank you, thank you.” A girl in large, shiny black combat boots said to an imaginary audience, bowing deeply.
“Hey, your pretty good.” Stephanie said to the girl, smiling. If Stephanie weren’t such a whore, talking to someone wearing only sheets would be pretty uncomfortable.
“Thanks.” The girl said blushing deeply. “But honestly, I suck, I’ll be stuck in this town forever.”
“I don’t think a motel counts as a town hun.” Stephanie said grinning at the humble girl with the nice neon pink electric guitar. “Where’d you learn to play like that?” she asked.
“I come from a long line of guitar gods and goddesses. My father was Led Zeppelin and my mom was an unknown groupie/singer for an unsuccessful female rock band.” The small brunette explained. “I was disowned, they said I have no guitar or singing talents what-so-ever and that I’ll never be in a good metal band.”
“I don’t think they can tell talent apart from a bag of bricks. What’s your name?” Stephanie asked.
“I’m Doris Caroll.”She said shyly. “My friends call me Dori-chan though.”
“I’m Stephanie, nice to meet you.” She said smiling. “And trust me, you don’t suck, I’m surprised an agent hasn’t even nabbed you yet. Want to come back to my room for breakfast?”
Doris looked at the girl a bit hesitant to go with.
“I swear I’ll put some clothes on.” Stephanie said laughing. “Be there in 10 minutes.”


There came a soft knock from the cheap rusting motel door as Dori-chan entered the room Stephanie and Batman had shared the night before. On a small green card table there were three plates and a pile of pancakes.
“They’re chocolate chip.” Stephanie said taking a pink fluffy apron off. What she wore now wasn’t much better than sheets. She wore a black leather mini skirt and diamond encrusted bra.
“Thank you.” Doris said, smiling nervously and taking a large Mickey Mouse shaped pancake. Batman sat opposite of her, reading the Sunday comics and sipping on cheap motel coffee.
“So, what brings you to this dingy little motel?” Stephanie asked Doris, joining them at the table and pouring herself a cup of herbal tea.
“Well, as I told you, I come from a long line of legendary guitar gods,” Dori-chan started. “And after my father kicked me out of the house, I got lost in a forest and found myself here. But I wasn’t exactly looking for a place to stay. There is a myth that says that to become a guitar god, one has to find the Guitar of the Undead. The problem is, no one knows where it is. Not even my father or his band. Most people don’t even think it exists, but I know it does. And after I left here, I planned on finding it.” Dori explained. “I know it sounds stupid, but…”
“We’ll help you.” Stephanie said grinning.
“What?” Doris asked, slightly confused.
“We’ll help you find the guitar. That is, if you want us too…”
“No no, that’s not it. Don’t you have to save the world though?” she asked.
“Yeah, but that can wait.” Stephanie said ignoring the awestruck Batman.
“That’ll go over well with Mr. R.” Batman muttered under his breath.

The second morning of the motel stay wasn’t quite as eventful. Mr. Rubecca took the news quite well, judging by the fact that he woke up with Stephanie next to him.
“How could you do that?” Batman vented, face turning the color of an eggplant.
“If you don’t start breathing soon you’re going to pass out.” Stephanie pointed out as she packed up their suitcases. Batman took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
“What I mean is why’d you do that?” Batman asked the young slut.
“Well that’s a stupid question.” Stephanie said with a light laugh, which seemed to make Batman angrier than he was a few minutes ago. “You told me that Mr. Rubecca wouldn’t like going of course of your little mission, so I had to convince him somehow.”
“But I thought you loved me!” Batman cried out in an exasperated tone.
“I do hun.” Stephanie said nibbling on Batman’s earlobe tenderly. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to sleep with other guys.” She added as she left the room.