Commercials Rant

Commercials. If you’re like me, you’re fucking sick of them. Some moreso than others. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like watching a cartoon bear get off on wiping its ass, I just think there’s a more appropriate format for it...like Russian porn. That commercial is disturbing for two reasons, and if you can’t identify them both, you have issues. I guess my real question, and the point I’m trying to make, is do we really need commercials? I can understand a ten second commercial, just to let you know a product exists and give a little information about it. The average commercial lasts about thirty seconds, and most try to have some kind of plot. Why? Fucking why? It’s annoying as fuck.

How many times have I had to watch that fucking genius handle the Dominos three pizza deal like he was new to the entire pizza delivery concept? “If I want mushrooms, I can order mushrooms. If I want pineapple, I can order pineapple.” SHUT THE FUCK UP! Nobody reacts like that. NOBODY! And that’s pretty god damn bad. Because odds are, no matter how stupid something sounds, there’s somebody out there who’s said it. My friend, that little piece of information should have been processed by your subconscious before you had a chance to show any reaction. What the fuck message are you people trying to send?! “Dominos pizza. Uh...we’ll try not to fuck up your order...” What does that have to do with the price of the pizza? Deciding on toppings is a normal part of ordering, regardless of how much the damn thing costs. For the sake of our dignity, let’s not emphasize it.

And I’ve heard this, too, when discussing commercials like that. “Well it’s stupid, but it’s memorable.” How...how the fuck is this a redeeming quality? Have you ever been somewhere, seen a product and thought or said, “This...this stuff has got to be great. Remember how much the commercial sucked?” I don’t fucking think so, and if you have, you should be in a padded room, wearing a garment that forces you to hug yourself. But for that matter, how is a less stupid commercial any more effective? Or a gimmicky commercial? I can understand if it’s a product for children. Then mascots and pretty colors make all the difference. But have you ever thought, “This fabric softener sucks, but I love that stupid ass bear. I think I’ll buy it.”? No. You haven’t. If you can read this rant, you haven’t.

We don’t need plots and stories for fucking products. We don’t need to watch people, in a situation where the ability to fly would be advantageous, drink some piss yellow liquid and sprout wings. Make your point, just make your fucking point. “This shit pretty much doubles your pulse. Drink up, you lazy fuck.” End of commercial. And I drank a can of that stuff, on my way to work one morning. I know it works. What I did not realize is that my wings have a direct connection to my right foot. Suffice to say I was early. But now I’m rambling. My point is, I don’t think anyone over the age of 13, with an IQ of more than 80, bases a purchasing decision on product-irrelevant elements of a commercial.

Or how about those Old Navy holiday commercials, this past Christmas? Weren’t those just fucking splendid? Well, I don’t know about you, but the vein my my forehead wasn’t throbbing because it was filled to capacity with Christmas joy.What genius came up with those, and who approved them? “Read off our inventory list to various Christmas songs? Brilliant!” I didn’t even like the songs they were butchering, but so help me, I felt sorry for them.

And if you think it ends there, you are sadly mistaken. I’m including this in the rant because while it isn’t a commercial, it follows the same concept, and is far too moronic not to mention. The dominos commercial I mentioned earlier…is pale in comparison to what you will witness upon entering any Burger King restaurant. Everywhere...on everything...something about having it your way. And none of it, not one fucking thing, is anything you could consider a privilege. Order your burger…without onions, if you like! Without lettuce! With bacon…which you will be charged extra for! Or even without meat! *gasp* Have you gone mad?! What kind of power-crazed madman would order a burger without meat?! Honestly, what kind of ego problems do you have to have to be thrilled by this kind of power trip? Refrain from putting ice in your soda if you wish! It’s ok, we won’t ask you to leave, for you are our lord and master! The nazis next door at McDonald’s require lids on all beverages! No, don’t go check! Take our word for it, they’re drunk with power! If you should spill some salt you will be beaten within an inch of your life! I know someone who knows a guy who asked for extra cheese. He’s still serving time in the hole! But here, at Burger King, YOU ARE A GOD! You get the point, right? Then there’s this sign on the door, “Pull” and under that, in smaller print, “You can have it your way and push if you like, but this door is pretty stubborn.” SHUT...UP...god, just shut the fuck up! You want me to have it my way? Wait here, I need to go get a bat...