My story

I could feel it. There was something growing inside of me. It wasn’t visible to the naked eye, but deep down I knew it was there. The nagging voice in the back of my head soon turned to a shout as I woke up one morning and spent most of my day hugging the toilet. I decided then and there that a trip to the drug store was in order.
Latter that night, while my husband had duty, I took a test. It wasn’t anything like the math tests I had taken in highschool, this one was much more life changing. I sat there on the floor unable to move. Time felt as though it was standing still. I mustered up the courage to look at the window in the test strip. It matched the control window. There staring back at me, was confirmation that I could do what I feared I’d never be able too.
In an instant my life had changed. I was a mother. That little voice was now chanting “I told you so”. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I went for my cell phone, I wanted to call my husband and tell him our good news. Then I remembered that he was going out on deployment, and that just the night before he had told me that he was glad that we didn’t have children yet. He wanted me all to him self for a while longer, also he had been so stressed about leaving, and I just didn’t want to add to it.
The next week, I was up late talking to my mother on the phone. She had guessed, and my secret was out. Either I told him or she would. I was so scared. I thought he was asleep, and I couldn’t hold back my crazy hormonal emotions any longer. I started to cry uncontrollably. Now, either he had been awake and listening to the whole thing, or my tantrum woke him up. He came out of our bedroom and sat next to me on the couch. “What’s wrong?” he asked, holding me tightly. I couldn’t tell him. All I could do was sit there staring at him, through my tear filled eyes. He started trying to guess what could have been wrong. The first thing out of his mouth was, “ Well I know you can’t be pregnant.” I just stared at him. He said “No way im a daddy!”. A huge smile was on his face he just grabbed me and held on as tight as he could. I couldn’t believe how happy he was. We went to bed that night together, and he held me all night long .
By the time I went to the General Practice doctor for my referral to the OBGYN the thought of our child consumed my life. All I could think about was our baby. Everything I ate was for it, and I was reading everything I could about pregnancy, and childbirth. My husband took me out to dinner, and I was a mess of cravings. We ended up at Olive Garden. I ate like I had never eaten before. I had never been able to finish anything from there, but that all changed. It was that night that we decided that we couldn’t call our child “it” anymore, and since it was too early to name our baby, we gave it a nick name “ button”.
The end of January soon came and sadly my husband’s boat left. It was okay though, because my first doctor’s appointment was the 21st, of February. So my life became about preparing for our new little arrival. All the while that nagging little voice in the back of my head had changed its mind. It was now saying “ something’s wrong.” I just thought that it was me being sad because my husband was gone. That was until I started having cramps, then the bleeding came. I drove myself to the naval hospital.
An hour later, after they had run every test known to man, they confirmed that I had, had a misarrange. The doctor, a man in his early thirties offered to call my husband for me. Through my tears, I managed to say, “ good luck, he’s at sea.” they then told me the worst part of it all. They had to remove my child from me, to avoid serious infection. I was petrified. The doctor, tried his best to calm me down, but in the end, he ended up giving me a Valume.
The hardest thing though, was that a few days later on Valentines day, my husband’s boat came back in to port, they had some mechanical errors, and had pulled in to fix them. I knew I couldn’t lie to him. So that night, I told him. He had the stomach flu and I had been taking care of him. We were laying in bed, and he wanted to know all the details. So I told him, every last little detail. Right down to the way they had taken button away from me. I’d never cried so hard in my whole life. His arms were so tight around me. He was so strong, but somehow, my pain never really left. No one really understood how it felt, not my mother, not my grandmother, or even my best friend. So that is why I wrote this, to get it off my chest.