Finding the Light

I lay my head down upon my pillow shedding tears of frustration. I don't recall the last time I went to bed peacefully. All my friends tell me I worry too much.

My life is one most would say was difficult, but I had grown out of that mind set long ago. I have three children now and a great job.

So many years I struggled providing for my family on only $7,000 a year or even less at some time or another, but you get my drift.

No longer do I struggle with the finances, instead now I am faced with the past and the future I was either in denial of or hiding from. It is so easy for someone to be on the outside looking in to give advice, but most never get to see what happens when I close my eyes.

Every parent eventually at some point in time closes their eyes to sleep only to be jolted awake by a gruesome nightmare. I wondered for many years if I was alone in my dreams, thinking to myself "Do other mothers or fathers wake up crying?"

I asked some of my friends and they assured me that they too have dreams that wake them in the middle of the night, with the urge to go check on their sleeping children.

I was not brave enough to ask then, but I find myself in need to do so now. What was it in your dream that makes you wake up? The thought of a stranger in your house with an ill will towards people in general, and your house was the one they picked that night?

What if it was someone you knew? What if in fact you were living with that person? Not a boyfriend, not a friend, but the very child you gave birth to years before. How would you feel then? Who would you ask for help?

I have family, but no one seems to have any helpful advice. Give the child up for adption? I will not quit! I have a love and a strength well beyond tolerance. I have lost jobs, housing, babysitters, all over one small child.

I now have two other children to protect though. I am faced with only one option, I have to find outside help, somewhere to send her so she can get round the clock care. The only problem I face is my own untrusting nature.

I am a victim of severe traumatic abuse when I was in diapers up until my early teens. I feel I have every reason not to trust anyone with my children, for the simple fear they will come back even more hurt, or empty inside.

How do you choose what is more important? Do you take the chance that it will help or do you assume it will only make matters worse? I alone will bare the burden of the outcome, the guilt if someone hurts this child.

Then I will need to teach the child how not to live as a victim, to hold their head up high no matter what! The truth is though no matter how hard you try it never goes away, I can't take that away, nor do I want to be the cause.

Eveyone who knows me thinks I am so strong, but when I am weak I am alone. I have been the crutch for many to lean on when in need, but have no crutch of my own. When I find myself in need, I end up falling down. Each time I fall now, it becomes harder and harder to find my way back.


I often wonder to myself what kind of parent I am. To be able to look a child in the eye and feel no attatchment. There are times when I am so angry I find I cannot look at her at all. Not out of hatred, just frustration. I find myself growing further away from her, disconnecting myself.

How horrible this all must sound, but we all have our own inner turmoil. Some of us deal with it in many ways. I choose not to pass judgement on ohters for their choices, this is what has kept me sane for some time now. I do believe I will answer for every choice I have made in one way or another.

I just hope that I can bring light back into dark eyes, before it gets too late.