How Can I Help You?

{c}Copyright 2004 - Bruce Gaughran

I sat in front of the phone for several minutes just thumping my fingers on the desk. It wasn't a question of whether I should make the call; I definitely needed to. It was more a realization that things had come this far that I needed to seek professional help.

After several balks, I finally picked up the phone and dialed the number.

As I listened to the pre-recorded message, I wondered if there was any business left in the world that had a real person answer the phones. "Thank you for calling and know that we are here to help you. Please listen to the following instructions: Press ‘1’ to enter your account information, Press ‘2’ to listen to your benefits, Press ‘3’ to ...” After what seemed like an eternity came, "Press ‘9’ to talk to the next available clinician."

I pressed ‘9’ on the key pad and the next set of menu options became available. "Press ‘1’ if you are a returning patient, Press ‘2’ if this is an emergency, Press ‘3’ if you need an authorization number, Press ‘4’ if you would like to talk to the next available clinician." I pressed ‘4’ and now heard the famous lines, "We’re sorry, but all of our clinicians are currently on the phone helping other clients. If you would like to continue to hold, press '1', press ‘2’ if you would like to leave a message, otherwise please call back later. Thank you."

I pressed ‘1’ and heard classical music playing in the background with interruptions every two minutes apologizing for the delay and asking me to press ‘1’ if I wanted to continue to hold.

Twelve minutes and five interruptions later where I was asked to press ‘1’ to continue to hold'; someone finally came on the line. "Good Morning," the cheery voice greeted me, "what is the nature of your request?"

"I’m having anger management problems - especially frustrations resulting from a lack of patience," I spat out with a little bitterness for being put on hold for twelve minutes.

"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that," was the insincere reply. "Please know that we are here to help you. Before we proceed, however, I need to ask you a few questions to help qualify your level of need. First, have you ever considered or are you considering harming yourself?"

"No."

"Good," was the cheery response. Have you ever considered or are you considering harming someone else?"

"No,” was my reply through gritted teeth knowing good and well that I might want to hurt someone if I was put back on hold again.

"Very good, now are you currently taking, or have you taken within the last seven days, any legal or illegal drugs?"

"NO!" However, I might need some before this conversation is over with.

"Excellent! Now I need to ask you where you live so I can locate the nearest doctor."

"Columbus, Mississippi."

After what seemed like an eternity came, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any doctors in the Columbus area. What is the nearest large city to Columbus?"

"Jackson, Mississippi."

After what seemed like another eternity came, "Wonderful, we have two doctors in Jackson. If you have a pen and paper ready, I can give you their names and telephone numbers."

After receiving the information on how to arrange for an appointment, I hung up the phone and considered my next steps. I asked myself several times whether it was worth driving four hours round-trip to see a doctor for one hour. Meanwhile, my fingers tapped out the classical song I had listened to while on hold for twelve minutes.

I finally picked up the phone knowing good and well that I had better make the call right away before I talked myself out of it. The first call I made went to an answering service. "I’m sorry; Doctor Clemons is currently out of the office. I can refer you to another doctor if this is an emergency."

Without saying a word, I slammed the receiver down in the cradle causing the entire phone to become airborne for a moment. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and then dialed the second number.

"Dr. White’s office."

In my most positive voice, I responded, “Good Morning. The Employee Assistance Program for my company referred me Dr. White. Could I speak to her please?"

"I'm sorry; Dr. White is not available. Can I help you?"

Doesn’t anyone work anymore? Take one breath … good. Now take another … okay, I am back in control. "Yes, well…, maybe you can,” I responded calmly. “I need to make an appointment with Dr. White as soon as possible."

"Before I can make an appointment, you need to first talk with the doctor. She wants to pre-screen all potential patients. If you would leave your name and telephone number, I'll have her call you as soon as possible."

More frustrated than ever, I left my number with her and slammed the receiver down. There is something about the sound and feel of the phone crashing down on the cradle that just seems to lift my spirit.

Fortunately, ninety-three minutes later Dr. White called. I was relieved to hear her voice and felt we were finally making some headway. The first words out of her mouth after the introduction, however, were, "I need to let you know that I am no longer taking on any long term patients at this time. Do you believe your issue is something that needs long-term care?"

My God, what have I got myself into? Breathe … relax … good. "I am not sure, but I hope not," was my response.

"Well, if this is short term care, I would be able to take you on. What is the nature of your concern?"

"Anger management – I have very little patience these days. I also become frustrated easily. This anger is destroying my marriage and my life."

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Thinking that I had heard this same canned response earlier today, I replied a little nastily, “Do all of you people have the same cheat-sheet to read from?”

“Pardon me? I’m not certain as to what you are referring to,” was the doctor’s response.

“NO, pardon me for bothering to call you in the first place! It appears you are too busy to take on anyone needing real help and are only looking for someone that needs a quick fix. How the hell do I know whether this is a short-term or long-term situation that I am dealing with? You’re the professional; shouldn’t you be telling me whether this is something that can be fixed easily,” I ranted on.

Surprisingly, the doctor didn't hang up on me. After about thirty seconds of silence, she replied, “Uh huh, okay, I believe I now understand the nature of the problem. Would Wednesday at 11:00 work for you?”