My Best Friend (chapter 1/6)

I think too much.

The very fact that I think about how much I think proves it.

I'm sitting behind a long wooden desk at the library. Yes, it's Friday evening and I'm at the library. Pathetic, I know. My best friend Colin is always making fun of me because of it, but he doesn't really mean it. He would never actually make fun of me. Never.

And I know that. I also know that I should forget about studying for today. I should go out. I should have fun. But for some reason I don't feel like having fun. Besides, who would come out with me anyway? Those days are over when me and Colin used to just hang out at the cafe by the beach or go watch basketball on the guys dorm's big screen or go rollerskating. Yeah, those days are over.

He has a girlfriend now. A real girlfriend. Before he met Jasmine he used to joke and say I was his girlfriend. I smiled every time he said that. Not because I thought it was funny, but because I liked the way it sounded. He, of course, just thought it was funny.

So that's my tragedy. I'm in love with my best friend. We've known each other for nine years and we have shared so much during these years. And now he's sharing it all with someone else.

I'm not whining though. Or I guess I am, but it's all my fault, so I shouldn't be whining. I mean... nine years! I had my chance and I never took it. Now I'm just going to step back and watch him from afar. Watch him finally being happy. Because Jasmine makes him happy.

Have I mentioned I think too much?

Here I am, surrounded by textbooks, supposedly reading about a Webber's theory, but really thinking about him. I always do that. I always let my thoughts run wild like that, but I could do that just as well at my apartment.

So I gather my books and get up. The ones that are mine go into my pack bag, the ones I took from the library go back to the shelves. I then head home.

Today is a beautiful day. It's a bit cold, because winter is coming soon, but not too cold. Maybe I should just go for a long walk. Yes, I might do that. I'm just going to drop my bag at my apartment, because there's no point in carrying it around.

I live on the fourth floor so I almost never take the elevator. Colin always does. Obviously he always makes it to the fourth floor quicker than me. He then waits until I get there and mocks me about it. Playfully. He would never actually make fun of me.

Here we go again. I shake my head and make a deal with myself not to think about him at least for that one minute it takes me to climb the stairs.

Colin!

No, that's not me breaking the deal. That's me seeing him by my door. He's actually standing there.

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here," he playfully asks me back.

I don't answer. I go straight to the door, unlock it, step inside and wait until he follows me.

"I knew you wouldn't last long at the library," he says with a grin.

So he knows me. He knows me better than anyone else. I know it sounds corny and all, but it's true. I thought about it one day. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I mean he knows things about me that I can never know. He knows what I look from behind, he knows how my voice actually sounds. Yes I can take a picture of my back or record my voice, but I don't want to. I like to think he knows me better than I know myself. I told you I think too much.

"You were right, as usual," I return the grin. He loves it when I say things like that. See, I know him too. "What about you? I thought you and Jasmine drove out of the city for the weekend."

"We were supposed to. I was supposed to meet her parents, but as it turns out her dad got sick so she figured it wouldn't be the best time for me to show up."

"I hope it's nothing serious."

I really do. As much as I hate to admit it, Jasmine is a great girl and I bet her family is just as great. Though you never know with those things.

"I hope so too. Anyways, it looks like you're stuck with me now."

We have made it into my living room. He takes a seat on the couch – at the left corner. For some reason he always sits there. It's his favorite spot. Actually it's mine too and whenever he's not around it's exactly the spot where I sit. But when he's here... I could never tell him it's actually my spot. What if he got up and walked away?

I know he wouldn't do that. He'd laugh and tell me I'm silly. And then he'd move, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I like that he likes the same spot as me.

So I sit down next to him – at the right corner.

"So, what do you feel like doing?"

Oh, you don't want to know. A small grin appears on my face as I think that. I quickly hide it though, I push the naughty thoughts aside and picture us walking down the beach. I had already forgot about my plan to go for a walk. We could go together. Then we could have coffee at that small cafe by the pier. We could watch the moonlight, he'd put his arm around me to keep me warm.

"Actually I have some homework to do."

I almost sigh as I say that. The image of us watching the moonlight vanishes. I know it's all my own fault, but we don't do that. We don't actually go out for romantic walks, he doesn't put his arm around me. We have rules. Unwritten rules of friendship.

He doesn't seem surprised by my answer. It looks like he anticipated it. He smiles, takes the remote and turns the TV on.

"Okay. You can do your homework, I'll be really quiet," he says and sends me the sweetest smile.

How I love that smile. There's something special about it. He doesn't smile the same way when he's with the guys. I've watched him, you see. I have watched him for years and I've never seen him smiling like that to anyone else but me. Even his smile to Jasmine is different. That smile is full of desire, this one is full of caring.

So I take what I get. Caring is nice, isn't it?

I open my bag again and take the books out. He quickly reads the titles of the books. It's nice to see that he's interested in what I'm studying. Talking of studying. He goes to the same university as me, but then how come he can spend the nights watching TV while I have all this homework? Suddenly I feel like punching him. And I do. Or actually I pick up a pillow to do that. I send it flying toward him. He lets out a surprised "ouch" and turns to me. He doesn't seem puzzled by my action, actually I think he's grinning.

I know what that means. I quickly try to take cover, but it's too late. He throws the pillow back at me and then grabs the second one from behind him and throws that one too. All of a sudden he's in mood for a pillow fight?

I can't help but laugh and he is laughing too. He flings himself behind the couch so I couldn't throw the pillows back at him. A few years ago I wouldn't have left it like that. I would've chased him around the room and then he would've chased me. But we're grownups now.

How I hate being a grownup.

I pick the pillows up and throw them back on the couch. I then take my books and head to my bedroom. I need some peace to do my homework.

"You don't mind me hanging out here, do you?" he asks as he feels brave enough to sit back on his spot at the left corner.

"Of course not."

Of course not. I love it when you hang out here. I wish you'd do it more often. But I don't say that to him. I smile though and he smiles back at me. He sends me that special smile again. I quickly turn away from him and enter my bedroom before I forget about all the rules and run to him and kiss those lips that are still forming a smile behind my back.

- - -

Our feet are touching. We're both sitting on my bed and our feet are touching. There is a half empty pizza box between us. He got sick of watching the TV and I got sick of studying so we ordered pizza.

After he finishes another slice he claims he's full and lies down on his back. Our feet are still touching. He's breathing slowly. I can see his chest moving up and down under his shirt. He has taken his sweater off and is wearing a sleeveless white shirt. His muscular hands are so tempting. I wish I knew what it was like to be held by them. I wish I knew how they felt while caressing my skin.

He closes his eyes which is good, because then he can't see me staring at him like that and I don't have to explain myself. Even though I can't see them right now, I think about his eyes. He's got deep brown eyes matching his dark brown hair. I think it's my favorite color, I could never say that to anyone though. I mean whose favorite color is brown? It's always blue or green or pink.

I take another slice of pizza. I was too busy watching him eat earlier so I've only had one slice so far. I like eating when he's lying beside me. Actually I'd like doing anything with him lying beside me.

"Sleepy?"

I ask as I suddenly feel the need to break the silence.

He nods, but doesn't open his eyes.

"Me too," I say as I try to suppress a yawn.

"Do you want me to get going?"

So he finally speaks. I wish he had spoken different words though.

Of course I don't want him to get going. I want him to stay. I want us to lie here together.

"Yeah."

I answer despite myself.

"Okay."

I watch him get up and he watches me as he gets up. He then does something unexpected. He leans down to me and gives me a kiss on my cheek.

"Good night."

He then disappears from my room. I'm left there stunned by the feeling of his lips against my skin. He hasn't done that before. I guess being with Jasmine has made him more affectionate. I guess... no, I can't think anymore. For the first time today I succeed at it. I take a deep breath and fall back onto my bed. I fall asleep with the feeling of his lips against my skin. Never ever have I slept that good before.

* * * * * * *

I watch my beautiful girlfriend as she finishes packing her things and tries to close her bag. She has packed a lot of things so she has trouble with the closing part. I smile to her, get up from her bed and lend her a hand. After a moment of struggling I manage to pull the zipper all the way and the packing part is finally over.

Jasmine sends me a smile to thank me. She then steps closer toward me, pushes me back to her bed and stands in front of me, between my legs.

"So I guess I better get going. You - " she leans down and kisses me "- better be nice while I'm gone."

"I'm always nice," I say with a grin. She kisses me again. I love her lips. Everybody should have a pair of lips to kiss.

She then steps away from me, puts on her coat, it's getting cold outside, and picks up her bag. I watch her every move. She's so small with that big bag.

Her dark, almost black hair is tied up into a ponytail. She usually wears her hair down. I wonder if I'm gonna miss her while she's gone. I wonder if I'm gonna miss seeing and touching her hair while she's gone.

You see, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm in love again. I was, once before, and when ever I was apart from that girl I missed her hair. I missed her eyes, the sound of her voice. I missed every single thing about her.

I get up and both of us leave her room. I drive her off to the bus station and kiss her goodbye. I'm definitely gonna miss those lips. I then get back to my car, sit down behind the wheel and try to come up with plans for tonight. You see, I was supposed to go away with Jasmine, but those plans changed. A grin appears on my face as I choose my new victim for tonight. I know she's probably busy, but if I promise to be really quiet she'll let me hang out. She always does and I always enjoy being with her. She's my best friend, you see.

I drive to Chelsea's apartment house. The parking lot is full so I have to leave my car to the other side of the building. I then go to the front door. She told me earlier that she's gonna spend the evening at the library, but maybe, just maybe she has already returned. As I step to the front door I suddenly see her. She's crossing the street, but she can't see me yet. I decide to surprise her and quickly get in. I take the elevator to win some more time – she always climbs the stairs – and I wait for her by her apartment's door.

A few minutes later I can hear her footsteps coming towards me. Is it weird that I know exactly which footsteps are hers? Well I've known her for nine years, I guess that explains it. She stops briefly as she notices me by the door.

"What are you doing here?"

She seems surprised. Of course she's surprised. I'm supposed to be away with Jasmine. Maybe she's disappointed to see me here. Maybe she was counting on an evening by herself. I don't want her to be disappointed so I try to lighten the mood.

"What are you doing here?" I ask her back and smile. Okay, so it wasn't my best joke.

She unlocks the door, goes in and stops to wait for me. She looks really good by that door. She really does. It suits her to own an apartment. She used to live in a dorm like me, but this is much better. She can have peace and silence here. Well, she could if I'd stop bothering her, of course.

"I knew you wouldn't last long at the library."

That's me trying to be funny again. What's wrong with me tonight? Maybe it's because my beautiful girlfriend just drove away.

That's me trying to convince myself of being in love with her. Again. And I really need to believe it. Otherwise it's gonna be the end of me. I'm so tired of being alone. Waiting. Wishing.

I watch Chelsea as we walk into her living room. Her long blond hair is wavy today. Sometimes it's straight, sometimes it's wavy. She almost always wears it down. Or sometimes she braids it. See, I know a lot about her hair. Like I said earlier, I used to miss it whenever she was not around.

Yeah, so, Chelsea is the girl I used to be in love with. Before Jasmine came along, of course. I still think about her a lot. Probably more than I think about Jasmine, but I'm tired of it. I will never be with Chelsea, we are too different to be anything else but friends and so I need to move on.

"You were right, as usual," she says with a smile.

How can I possible move on when she's like that?

"What about you? I thought you and Jasmine drove out of the city for the weekend."

Right, Jasmine.

"We were supposed to. I was supposed to meet her parents, but as it turns out her dad got sick so she figured it wouldn't be the best time for me to show up."

I really like Jasmine, you know. Maybe it's wrong of me to push this whole being in love thing. It will probably come with time. I'm sure it will happen. It's actually scary, now that I think about it.

"I hope it's nothing serious."

"I hope so too."

For some reason I don't think I'm talking about Jasmine's dad. I'm talking about my relationship with Jasmine. I mean I don't even know how to love her. I've never loved anyone else beside Chelsea.

"Anyways, it looks like you're stuck with me now."

I take a seat on the couch. She watches me as I sit down. I don't know why, but she always does. It's like she wants to sit there herself.

"So, what do you feel like doing?" I ask her. I don't know what I feel like doing myself. I guess I feel like doing nothing. Just being there. I suddenly realize I'm too tired to go out today.

"Actually I have some homework to do."

Not exactly what I was hoping for, but good enough. I wish she didn't have homework so she could join me in doing nothing, but I don't have a right to expect that. School always comes first for her. That's why we are so different. Her parents hate me, you know. They think I'm a bad influence on her. They know how much this whole academic stuff means to her and they're afraid I'll ruin her. They're wrong though. I could never ruin her, because she's the most independent person I know. Nobody can ever tell her what to do, not even me, so they shouldn't worry about it.

"Okay. You can do your homework, I'll be really quiet," I say with a smile as I pick up the remote and turn on the TV. She watches me for a moment. I wish I knew what she is thinking about. I wish I knew what she thinks when she looks at me. Or maybe I don't want to know.

Damn it. Those thoughts are all supposed to be left behind. Why did I come here tonight? I should have gone back to my dorm room, sit in dark and miss Jasmine. I would miss her, you know. A lot.

If only I wasn't here with Chelsea.

All of a sudden a pillow hits me in my face. I have no idea why she did that for, but it reminds me of the time when we were kids. We used to hang out, just like we're doing now, and sometimes we had pillow fights. Sometimes we got carried away and I'd tickle her until she laughed so hard that she couldn't hold back tears.

I throw the pillow back at her and the one behind by back too. Just for the old times' sake. And then I duck behind the couch.

I could never tickle her like that anymore. That was before i realized how much she means to me. I mean.. how much she meant to me. Yes, meant. Though I still care a lot about her. I just can no longer love her.

Chelsea collects the pillows and puts them back on the couch. She also picks up her books and heads to her bedroom. Would it be really wrong if I fallowed her and threw her on her bed and tickled her? And kissed her?

"You don't mind me hanging out here, do you?"

I realize the couch is the best place for me to be right now.

"Of course not."

With that she disappears into her bedroom. It takes me a while before I can turn my eyes from where she was just a few seconds ago to the TV screen.

- - -

Our feet are touching. We're both sitting on her bed, eating pizza. Now that I'm here in her bedroom, I'm actually thinking of Jasmine. Finally. We were eating pizza with her a couple of nights ago. And then we made passionate love. I'm not sure if it's okay to call it making love, but I'm not concerned with that right now. I lie down on my back as I let the memory of Jasmine's body take over me. It's wrong, I know. Or actually it's not. I can think about Jasmine anytime I want. It's the thinking about Chelsea part that I need to work on. Suddenly I'm pulled out from my thoughts by her voice.

"Sleepy?"

I nod, but I don't open my eyes. The image of Jasmine's body has all of a sudden turned into an image of Chelsea's body. I can't open my eyes now.

"Me too," she says.

I realize I can't be selfish like this. She's tired. I've wasted her time enough already.

"Do you want me to get going?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

I open my eyes. The image in front of me isn't that much different from the one that was in my thoughts just now. All of a sudden I have an urge to touch her. I mean I always want to touch her, but this time I actually do it. I get up and give her a kiss on her cheek. It's just that she's so sweet and i want her to know it.

"Good night."

I then turn to leave. A part of me wishes she'd stop me. A part of me wishes I had never come here today.

But that's just a very small part.



Tbc..