A work in progress....

Friday, April 1st

Pregnant frustrated and stressed beyond words. All I wanted is to rest and be left alone. Is that two much to ask for? Apparently so because every time I try to hide out someone finds me. I was fine this weekend then this weak feeling just crept up on me. I was at lunch with my sisters eating laughing and flirting. I do have a man, a good one in fact, and I would cheat on him for all the money in the world. The flirting was all innocent on my part, but as for my sisters, it was just down right shameful, not to mention pathetic. Sheila single and free as she puts it was all over this one brotha, granted he was fine, but he wasn’t her type. So why she pretended he was, was beyond me. My sister would never fall for the clean cut, nicely groomed, gentleman with a job, oh no she wanted the lowlife fake thug wanna be pimp whose been shot more times than 50 cent. My other sister Tay-tay was once the type that would go for the nice guy and would most likely end up in a long-term committed relationship, but ever since she got hurt by Ramon and his cheating ways all she’s been involved with are out of towners that don’t even amount to a one nightstand. My love life’s been no picnic either until I met dre. Dre has turned out to be one of the few things in my life that I’m actually glad I’ll never regret. The man is fine from head to toe. He’s not a fake thug. He’s educated. He’s about his money and he knows how to treat a woman. The only thing that surprises me with dre is that he was right under my nose the whole time. We should’ve been together years ago, and we would’ve been if it wasn’t for the fear that complicating a friendship with a relationship would ruin our friendship for life if it didn’t work out. Which is stupid and understandable at the same time because in order to have a successful relationship you have to be friends first, but who knows how things will end if things don’t work out. A woman can still maintain a relationship with an ex depending on the termination of the relationship. But a man on the other hand is different. So different that I don’t even thing I can speak on it. Because the difference is a pigheaded kind of different and that involves pride and everything else. My sisters can’t imagine being with the same guy for the rest of there lives , married to the same guy looking at him every day. They say they’ll never get married and say I practically am. There’s no wedding ring on my finger and there’s been days I couldn’t imagine forming the word commitment let alone marriage. Don’t get me wrong I love dre and would do anything for him even give my life but marriage ain’t in the cards and has nothing to do with how much I do or do not love him. Marriage changes things babies change things. I always said that I’d have a kid before I got married and well, now its happened. I’m currently three months pregnant. I should be happy. I am happy. My stress doesn’t come from the pregnancy it self. I comes from know one knowing I’m pregnant. Presently the only people besides the father of my child myself, god, and my sisters the rest of my family and friends are clueless. I plan to tell them, someday before I go into labor. The stress of telling them is almost paralyzing. It wouldn’t be so difficult if I were dealing with unstressful, easy to talk to people, but unfortunately I’m not. I have no doubt they would be happy for me, but their happiness and good intentions could be clouded by there impulse to control or there urge to lecture me. I’m not ready to have my unborn child be there next “legitimate” reason to try to control my life. The only one I can count on is my mother and god only knows what she’s going to do to me once she finds out how long I’ve kept this from her. I usually tell my mother everything, almost everything anyway. Even if I try to keep something from her intentionally it always fells the woman is like a psychic she can tell when something’s wrong or not wrong just by looking at you. So I’m avoiding her like the plaque. For all I know she already knows by now and is just waiting for me to tell her. I mean I did tell the biggest blabber mouth in the country, my sister Sheila. Sheila couldn’t keep the price of water a secret. Let alone huge secret like this. That’s the majority of my stress right there, wondering, hoping and praying that Sheila can keep her mouth shut. Dre the father of my child, the love of my life is so naïve bout my family yet he’s known them for like what seems like forever and yet he insist that the simplest thang would be to tell them and get it over with. He insist that whatever they throw at us we can handle it. I don’t want to handle it I want normalcy for once in my life. I want to tell them , and they be happy for me and leave it at that. But oh know that won’t happen telling them now will only open a can a worms I’m not ready to handle, but waiting won’t make things any better.
I know what would make things better, if my man was home instead of 5-8 states a way performing on a stage without me. Now granted I told him I’d be ok and that I was fine but now I regret that decision. Selfishly, I want to pick up the phone tell him to get his ass off that stage out of whatever city he’s in and get home now, and not to forget to bring his sex drive in high gear. Every since Dre left my hormones have been raging out of control. I’m pregrnant not dead and until the doctor tells me it’s a hazard to the baby somehow to have sex, after that I’ll have no choice but to suppress my emotions but unless that happens, god forbid, I’m free to do what ever sexually as far this pregnancy is considered and I would if my man was home. Hopefully, if everything goes like its supposed to I wont have to wait long. He’ll be home Friday night and I’ll be ready for him.
April 7th and 8th
So far so good. Dre called to say he’s at the air port and on his way. He’s not on a regular flight he’s infact taking a private jet and doesn’t know how that happened since he didn’t order it and has no idea who did. He is such a liar Dre knows I did, how else would he get out of being stuck thousands miles away from home. Know one in the industry loves him that much.Not more than me anyway. They don’t care that he has a crazy girlfriend at home whose pregnant and needs to atleast see her mans face among other things before she loses her sanity. Know all they care about is him making them rich, and anyone that does call themselves his friends are not many. The industry is full of snakes and rats and you always have to watch your back. But all that will be far from my mind tonite. Truth is I didn’t just send a jet for him. I bought the jet for us.
When he finds out he’ll be pist but deep down inside he’ll be jumping for joy. He’s always wanted a private jet but didn’t want to spend the money to buy it. He said he wanted to wait til he could take the time to make his jet “perfect”, and it could be no other way if it was going to be his plane. Well, news flash, this our plane, I don’t mind if he makes a few adjustments, but if he’s not satisfied, it can quickly become my plane, thats all right with me.
Dre and I have this ritual sort of. Either when just one of us goes out on tour the other does something special for the other when they return. This ritual isn’t something we planned it’s just something we started doing for one another long before we got into music and started touring. When we were in college there would be times that I had to force myself to study and really get into it because there was nothing I hated more than studying. I loved to get A’s and B’s but studying to me was the reason you question who was the originator of higher education and the fool who created homework. It just made me want to go back in time and take them out before they came up with the bright idea of school. But I’d half to admit if we didn’t have some form of education some of us would be dumb as bricks, and say this with a heavy heart as I close my eyes and think about my cousin. Seventeen yrs old, 150lbs, seven feet tall, smarter than the average, skills for days on the court, a lyrical mastermind, all this equals limitless oppurtunities, yet he chooses to do nothing with his gifts. Some people no matter how smart just don’t get it. He goes to school and does nothing, just shows up wasting air and space.I love but I can’t help him if he won’t help himself. His mother wants him to stay with me. I don’t know who these people think I am. What I look like to them a miracle worker. I told her look auntie I love you I love Jaden but live with me he can not. What will that accomplish, nothing he’s only going to do what he ‘s doing with you with me, and that’ll only end me up in lock up cause I’ll end up killing his ass, and the last thing I’m trying to do is end up in jail over someone who rather take my help for granted rather than take it as an oppurtunity to better themselves. Trust and believe I am not the one I specialize in results not __________________. I told Jaden the same thing when he called me earlier to ask me the same thing. Can he live with me. I can’t believe he put those words in a sentence and they came falling out of his mouth. I know he though I thought he was on crack, because I did and I do for that reason and many others too. Amd a crack I am not running. “You know the streets talk about any and everything and everything gets back to me. The media is always trying to exaggerate and talk about those who made it big that never go back to the hood. Trust me I never left the hood and the hood never left. In fact it calls my house every chance it can and informs me of the goings on in the daily life’s of the every day hustler, or wanna be’s like my cousin whose gonna be looked up like the one’s he admirers have been or gonna be again.
Doing drugs or selling drugs while staying in my house just wont due. I won’t have it. And addicts do nothing but still, if he were to still from me or dre what could I do but give Dre permission to beat that ass, if you no like i no if u still from someone you’ve already given them written verbal physical permission to beat your ass. That’s plain and simple. And I would not deny Dre the pleasure. Family or no family.
It’s about that time. Two hours and counting. Dinner’s almost ready. It won’t take long, its seafood. Thank God I found a guy loves seafood as much as I do, its quick easy to make and is to die for. I’m making our favorite meal , Lobster with shrimp scampi, some of the flakiestbiscuits on the planet and a baked potato with chives and sour cream. Some say the way to a mans heart is threw his stomach. That’s pure myth. But I think these days it does turn a man on if a woman can cook, god know trying to find a woman who can cook is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Dre’s Home
Home sweet home. I landed in JFK @ 5 and got home by 6. I wasn’t supposed to arrive at JFK until 8 originally but my flight was delayed because of engine trouble. So my girl rented this jet for me or so I think knowing her she probably but the damn thing she’s always wanted. Said she needed for business. She hates riding on a regular flight because there always late or they loose her luggage. She always said when she made it a private jet was going to be a much needed necessity.Whether or not I got at jfk at 8 or 5 it didn’t matter it was still going to take me an hr to get home if I waited for a car to pick me up, so I jumped in to the nearest cab and headed to Manhattan.
I called the house and there was no answer. Maybe Alicia was getting ready for tonite. We always do something special when she or I come off tour. Where away so much the time we do spend together we try to make it special, and we do the neighbors can testify to that. When I got home it looked as if the house was vacant, but I could tell it wasn’t once I got inside. The evidence waas in the dinning room. The table was set with candle barely lit and the lights dimmed. The smell of scampi freshly preprared and lobster baked potatos. This girl prepared our favorite meal. What else does she have instore I can’t wait to find out. I headed upstairs to find my lady laying on the bed on her side, sleeping peacefully. I wanted to wake her but I decided not to. I add my touch to tonites occassion. I headed downstairs put in this mix’d cd in the stereo and put on track 17, Lyfe- must be nice, to get my pimp juices flowing. The meal looks good, but if everything goes according to plan we won’t make it downstairs for dinner, she won’t need time to get dressed, we’ll just stay in and catch up on some physical qt. I should have her out of that neglace’ but 8 o’clock.
I showered, changed, set the mood for upstairs, grabbed the floors I had delivered for her and headed to the bedroom, she was still sleep, which was odd because she’s usually up waiting for me. When I talked to her earlier she sounded fine, she looked fine now, but something was off. She was dressed she was in her neglace, she had her hand on her stomach in way that insisted that she was in pain like her stomach hurt. I put the flowers to the side, sat on the edge of the bed and put my hand on her cheek she didn’t wake up, not until I kissed her on her cheek then she opened her eyes and smiled. “Hey baby when did you get home”? “An hr ago” “Why didn’t you wake me”? I wanted to but you looked so peacefuk I didn’t want to disturb you. She went to kiss me on the lips and as she lifted up I could almost see the pain in her eyes but she would never admit it. I thought we were done with this. I hoped we were. At least thats what the doctor said She was sick before she got pregnant continue to be after. But then she got better. After that the doctor said she should be fine, and the rest of the pregnancy should be easy nothing more than a mild case of morning sickness if that at all, he explained ever pregnancy was different.
This deadline I had to have my lady naked within an hr was deminishing quickly. We both could still end up naked tonite, but not with in an hours time. Hey sweetie you ok.Yeah it’s just my back it hurts alittle, it’s nothing thats going to spoil our night she says, and I’m thinking two things. Yeah right on both counts and I hope not. Then to prove me wrong she does it. She gave me the most unexpected kiss long hard and soft at the same time that would make a player forget he’s a player for life. Then she gets up walks to the door, turns around, and says you coming, Im starving I know your starving. Actually, I’m good. You better eat something your going to need all your energy for what’s in store for you tonite.
In that case wait up. I chased her down stairs into the kitchen. After dinner we headed back upstairs, and just talked for what seemed like hours. Something we hadn’t done in what seemed like forever.After we talked the real fun began. Hey how bout some sexual qt. I’m for that. I think we covered every inch of that bedroom. We some how hit the floor, at the point I had to stop for a sec and make sure she didn’t hurt herself or fall on her stomach. She left me know she was fine. I was on the floor she got on top of my laughing and said I’m ok stop worrying about me and the baby. Were fine it’s my hormones that need attention. So shut up and make love to me. And I did. Over and over....we almost went all night. I think we set a new records for the couple who not only claims they can make love all night but actually accomplish, as if we ever had trouble in that department.
THE DAY AFTER
Last night couuldn’tof turned out any better than I planned. We ate. we talked, we made love. Now its the day after our reunion and reality sets in. I was so excited that Dre was coming home that I forgot that I was performing at the awards show tonite. Now how’d that slip my mind I don’t know. I guess this baby’s taking more than my appetite, she’s taking my memory cells too. When Dre came home last night I didn’t even here him come in the house. I was knocked out.When I went up stairs to change my stomach started bothering me. So laid down. I was hoping it would let up before he got home and it did but not before I feel asleep. When I did wake up I saw what I had been waiting for all day, Dre he was finally home. The look on his face said he was glad to be home, but there was also a look of worry shine threw that bright smile he was giving me. Just before dinner my stomach started hurting again, when Dre askeed me if I was ok I told him I was fine it was just my back. I didn’t want him to worry about me or the baby. Still, after those words came out of my mouth I wanted to kick myself coming up with that one. I could clearly see he wasn’t buying that one but still he let it go.
I didn’t know whether to be glad or question it but I didn’t. Tonite I’m performing and Dre will b in the audience, but if I have anything to do with it he’ll eventually end up on stage with me. I have to make it there first. I so behind its unbelieveable. I’ve been flying around this housew since 5am. I ran a mile at 5. Showered at 6. Started working in my home office at 7, and I’ve been on the phone with my top people at the recording studio since 8 clock. I’ve done evaerything except prepare for tonites performance. If Dre knew half the stuff I’ve been into he’d kill me, especially if he knew I still ran at least a mile every morning. He’s so overprotective it’s suffercating sometimes.
THE PERFORMANCE
“Dre bring your ass on”. Men are always complaing more about when taking to long to get ready, next you know there the ones you gotta pry out of the b athroom. You’d think he was the one performing or something. I’m the one doing a performance in hour of Mariah Carey, and it aint even one of her old songs either Know its a new one only because a crazy person, my blabber mouth of a sister told the grammy committee that I perform it so well. But like she said if my word isn’t enough just watch the tape. The tape, the tape was of me and my crew including her doing our thing in the club. There’s cameras in the club and she some how got a copy and also on the tape is a 106 and park sho whch features me performing that song, and I only did that at a fan, and friends request. And Mariah herself was involved in the decision. Now, apparently she hasn’t seen the tape but was persuaded my the phrase, trust me you will be proud not to metion wow’d. Coming from the lips of A.J. I’d believe it if the man told me the sky was was blue at midnight as fine as that man is. Truth is I love “It’s like that” that has been my anthem since it came it. I have no issues performing, but artisit rarely perform another artist newist material especially a song that just came out. But I don’t think I could do any of her other stuff just. With this song I can do so much, and I intend to if fine and sexy, slow and crazy can get his ass downstairs. Damn its mind boggling how when u say dinners ready niggas is ready to jump threw floor, swing on chandlers and knock over there own grandmother to get a plate, but to be on time for some where you need to be it’s damn near impossible.
Ten minutes after me calling him for the second time he came downstairs looking as good as he always does. I didn’t know if I wanted to yell at him or rip his clothes off right then and there.
Baby, you ok?
Huh? I said r u ok.
Yeah I’m fine get in the car were late.
Damn. You know if you weren’t looking so fine right now I’d be furious right now.
I guess it’s a good thing I wore your favorite color otherwise I be in serious trouble.
You know what u play too much.
4/18/04
Dre was right. Colors usaually are the reasons people get killed . With me its the reasons people live. I can be pisted off beyond imagination, ready to bodily harm and if a fine brotha wearing my favorite...blue, walks by, and is wearing the right way my heart can go from cold to warm , and the rest of me sizzling hot.
Last year was a rough year for me , it was filled with soc much drama , trials and test, I though I would never make it threw. Everything from the family feuds, fights, because of my uncle’s lies, my sisters relationships, it all wore me I out I just wanted to get away. In the summer of that year I took a break from the office. I spent most of the time with my little cousins and god children. I took them to the park, mall, for ice cream, the usual things.
The days might have belonged to the children I spent time with but the nights were for the grown folks, me dre and my sisters. I couldn’t escape all of my family. We went to club ice. It was packed, the music was banging, the dj was fine , I was fine and the man on my arm was too sexy for words. We were having a good time when a bumped into me without saying sorry or excuse me. At first I left it alone. But it kept happening the entire night. Finally, I got frustrated. Do you have a problem with saying excuse me. She looked me up and down, sizing me up like she wanted to do something. I was ready for anything. The last thing I wanted was to end up fighting on a night that I was happy. I was trying to releave stress not add to it. The woman who stood before me was about 5’8 with who seemed young in comparison to me but had a since of maturity about her. She had attitude written all over her face and looked as if she didn’t mind sharing that with the rest of the world or me for that matter.
Maybe the music is too loud, did you hear me, do you have a problem with saying excuse me. I heard you bitch aint hard of hearing. No I don’t have a problem with saying excuse me but who am I saying it too. That right there pissed me off. I was even more pissed of when she started to insult me by picking a part the outfit I had on, but I was content not to let it bother me. She should be the last one too talk look like a 5 dollar hoochie. From head to shen was just a mess. She had on fishnet stockings a horrific top that looked like something my 5 yr old godson painted and a skirt, if you can call it that, that would’ve showed the thong she had on if she as so much as bent over.
We almost ended up fighting then I heard a brotha with a deep voice say “sexy come dance with me”. At first I thought it was Dre but he was at the bar with his buddy mike. The woman was still running her mouth, thinking my attention was still focused on her, but it wasn’t. It was on the tall dark brotha approaching me. The gentlemen approached me by extending his hand to me. I then left the woman in the middle of the dance floor rambling to herself and took the gentlemans hand. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I realized who it was. Kevin! In the flesh baby. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he kissed me on the cheek.
Kevin was my old flirt buddy and college friend. He always hinted that he wanted to get with me
but never tried anything. We always flirted with one another, but it was all innocent. As good as Kevin looked at that moment, it should’ve been illegal for what I was thinking. Especially with my man standing so close by. Kevin always looked good. Part of his flirtation with me was doing things that he knew I liked and though were sexy. He stood before me in a navy blue armani suit with navy blue leather shoes. He was clean shaven and his braids looked freshly done. The clone he had on was intoxicating but not to overwhelming. The club was dark but I could tell that he was still in good shape and I was determined tp to find out how good. The ear ring in his ear was no less than 14 karots and there still wasn’t a ring on his finger except for the baby blue 10k diamond we picked out together for his graduation present from me to him. It was even exchange. A month before graduation I lost my mothers wedding band that she left me in her will. The ring although expensive in a materialistic way it priceless because of the memories it possed. Memories could never be replaced but possessions can. Kevin surprised me one day with an exact replica of my mothers ring.
“Damn girl you haven’t changed , you get finer and finer every tme I see you”. You don’t look to bad your self I said as he took my hand and twirled me around. Just as the next song started I point Dre out and said “there’s someone I want you to meet” We began to dance towards the end of the song Dre spotted me and came our way. There was no time for introduction and I didn’t make any Mariah carey’ It’s like that came on and by the time Dre reached us Kevin and I were doing our thing I waved Dre to join us and the dance went from me and kevin as couple to me kevin and dre as triple threat.
When I waved Dre over he didn’t speak a word he just got me hind me not paying Kevin any mind. Without turning around I grabbed hold of his belt and started a slow grind letting him no with out speaking but with my body that he had nothing to fear from Kevin, yet still continuing to flirt with Kevin. I took my arm and put behind Dre’s head he put his hand on my stomach and Kevin took my other hand and held it in a way that looked like he was going to kiss it. Dre turned me around and Kevin was now behind me instead of in front of me the music had stopped but we were still going at it, with all eyes on us. We finished dancing and for a second I forgot I had an extra dance partner. Dre drew me closer to him wiped the sweat of my face and pushed my hair behind ear, took my chin in his hand and gave me the sweetest kiss a man can give his woman. The infection, one annoying mouthy desperate for attention female. The cure, dancing seductively with two of the sexiest men in the world.