breaking up

20/4/05

If this is the right choice, why does it feel so wrong? I’m torn between escaping pain and returning to it. I’m empty, and my tears do nothing to drain the ache from my body – it remains with each tear that hits the pillow.
Nothing has changed. You still consume my every thought, only now those thoughts are of regret. I’ve left you. I promised you I never would and now I have. Just as you have broken each promise to me, one by one stripping my heart of all its strength.

I fantasise that you come to me. You get down on your hands and knees and tell me, in words I know you can never speak, that your heart is mine – as mine is still yours. You kiss the tears from my face and I am filled with joy. This dream, this insane fantasy, is the only thing that keeps me alive, because without you death is beckoning me with its bitter smile. But I’m dreaming of a false future – one that you will never give me. I can’t blame you, I can’t hate you – I can only pity the man with the frozen heart. I was warm, I tried to melt it, and I failed. I failed you. And I’d give anything to take the pain from your eyes.

I counted the hours until I saw you those few days ago. I imagined you; your face, your eyes, your skin, your lips, your body. I imagined what you’d say, that you’d beg me to stay – although I knew you wouldn’t. You couldn’t. You’d just stare at me with your puppy dog eyes and barely say a word. And our time together came and went in the blink of an eye and now here I am – without you once more. With only the memory of you buried deep inside me for that last moment of passion, and your tender kisses on my face.
Iloveyou. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. And I would have given my soul for you to show me how much you love me. I know you do. Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t you just love me with abandon? You didn’t need to fear me, I am not like the rest. If you’d given me your heart I would have stayed forever, never blaming, always loving, always on your side. I would have protected you.
And been faithful until death.

But I was alone, even with you. Even in your bed beside you, you were a million miles away. For I came to meet you and you stayed behind. I spoke and you were silent. I reached for you and you denied me.
And now my hands are tied behind my back. There’s nothing more I can do. Except to wait, with my ever-fading hope.