Traffic Jam at the Stairway to Heaven

Is it just me or am I the only person in the universe that just doesn’t get the Beatles? I mean, to be honest I don’t think their songs are really that musically difficult, and many of the lyrics to their songs may be sweet and charming but they aren’t exactly the greatest written verses ever. “Stairway to Heaven” could easily out do any Beatles lyrics they come up with.

So why would I care about arguing over better lyrics: Stairway against “Hey Jude?” Because that’s the only godforsaken song I can hear since the Beatles freak driving a 1970-something Volkswagen next to me has it on loop at full blast. I can’t even hear myself think clearly except to be angry with him and his obsession with a band I just don’t get. It’s really the last thing I needed being stuck in this traffic jam. All I was trying to do was get back home to Hartford, but instead I’m sitting on I-84 in Waterbury at the bottom of Holyland USA. Yeah, you know that place in Waterbury; the monastery on the hill with the giant cross at the peak that lights up at night. I’ve been here for a good thirty minutes looking at the staircase leading to the top, thinking of it as a real life “Stairway to Heaven” all while listening to Hey Jude for the sixth time in a row. I can’t stand that guy! The only thing that broke my silent rage was my cell phone going off in my pocket.

“Jimmy! Hey, how’s it going? I just got your message that you’re coming back early. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened.”

“It’s alright,” I sighed. It was my friend Roy from back home.

“Okay, so maybe I lied, I’m glad she’s finally gone. She really was a pain. I don’t know why you put up with her for so long. You always had to make those long drives to Poughkeepsie, it really wasn’t worth it.”

“I’m glad to know I always have friends like you to try and rationalize a break-up from a six month relationship.”

“Well sorry! You tell me, what was the reason that this happened then?”

“I don’t know… I guess we just had a communications break down.”

“It’s always the same,” Roy chimed in. “You were going to have a nervous breakdown, she drove you insane!”

“Okay, so maybe that’s a little true. But still, it’s a romantic breakup. That’s still not an easy thing to go through.”

“Good times, bad times, you know I’ve had my share. We’ve all been there. And I know just the way to forget her. We’re going to the hockey game tonight at the Civic Center. The Wolf Pack are playing Providence tonight. Where are you now?”

“Stuck in traffic in Waterbury.”

“Oh yeah, hey, heard there was a bad accident there, try to avoid it.”

“Thanks for the early warning,” I sneered sarcastically. “When’s the game start?”

“Seven.”

“Alright I’ll try and get there.”

“Cool, see you then. Just remember, you’re better off without her. She was a heartbreaker anyways.”

“Glad to know I always have friends like you to rationalize a break-up.”

“By the way,” Roy couldn’t help but ask, “since when do you listen to the Beatles? I could swear I hear ‘Hey Jude’ behind you.”

“Don’t ask. I’ll be back for the game.” With that I hung up and returned to the world of just me, Ringo over there, and I-84. We made some progress eventually, creeping up a good three inches or so before having to stop again. Ringo was still to my left, feeling the music so much that he probably didn’t even notice that the car wasn’t moving. I kept looking around at some of the other cars to try and see if anyone else was as annoyed as I was of hearing the “na na na” of the final 4 minutes of the song yet again, but I couldn’t tell. They were probably angrier at being stuck in traffic than anything else.

My cell phone rang again, this time it was my friend Bobbi. “Hey, how’s it going?”

“Roy told me all about what happened in Poughkeepsie,” she tried to sound very caring and helpful. “I’m sorry about that.”

“What do you care? You couldn’t stand her!”

“Yeah, but neither could you.”

Point taken.

“She was still my girlfriend for six months though!”

“Remember the night she was supposed to come here in that thunderstorm and she just left you there and kindly forgot to tell you that she never left New York? She treated you terribly. You deserve real love, not any of this ‘when the moment was there’ crap she gave you.”

“But still it hurts suddenly being by myself. I mean she was my girlfriend.”

“You’re full of love and romance, two things she was just abusing. You’ll find someone who finds your love.”

“Am I the only person in the universe that just doesn’t get how romance is supposed to work?”

“Looking back at your last six months, that’s a distinct possibility.”

I finally couldn’t help but give a slight laugh. “Glad to know I always have friends like you to rationalize a break-up.”

“Don’t get so stuck up over it, you’re time is gonna come. Just be sure you make it here for the game. We might have to wait a little because my friend Karen from Danbury is coming up too but I think she’s stuck in the same mess you are.”

“She’s got rationalizing friends too?”

“The traffic!”

“Could have fooled me on that one.”

“Just get here on time,” she laughed. “By the way, I never knew you liked ‘Hey Jude?’”

“Oh just be quiet.”

She laughed and hung up. Ringo was still feeling the music in his own little world. I wondered if he’d ever gone through something like this… well outside of Lennon being shot. Did he ever go through such a bad relationship like I did? I mean, my friends were right, I couldn’t stand the girl, but I couldn’t her let go. She was awful to me, but when you’re me and relationships don’t really come around too often you try to get as much out of any you can get, no matter how bad they may be. Why couldn’t I just be like Ringo and find something I love so much that I never had to worry about being treated badly or not being cared for in return. After all, “Hey Jude” isn’t going anywhere, and I should know because it’s been playing over and over for the past forty minutes. If it could go somewhere it would have left by now.

My lane finally gets a break and we’re able to move up a few feet, getting me a good car length away from Ringo and bringing me next to a green Malibu to my left. I took a quick peek inside at the new surroundings to find a well dressed business man singing his heart out to “Hey Jude” that he can hear from the car behind him. Am I the only person in the universe that doesn’t get the Beatles? It really wouldn’t have surprised me if I climbed up the stairway to the monastery to find them worshiping a guitar of Lennon’s or Paul’s Piano.

The left lane finally gets their turn to move forward a few feet and Ringo is now back next to me. I wondered if he was married at all. My guess is no because with a scruffy beard like that no women would ever let him go out of the house looking like that. And I’m sure that if I asked him he’d give me some sort of obsessive rambling about being married to the music.

I finally couldn’t take it any more when the song ended and then started again. I rolled down my window and shouted at him, “Hey! Do you think you could turn it down?! Or at least do us a favor and play something else.”

No response.

“Excuse me! You don’t think you could play the song lower so we all don’t have to hear it?”

Still no response.

“Whatever,” I finally gave up muttering under my breath, “The Stones were better anyways.” That caught his attention as he shot me a death glare. What can I say? I panicked and had to roll my window back up quickly before he killed me with that stare. Looked like it was “Hey Jude” for the rest of the trip.

My phone rang once more, this time it was Tom, another of my friends. “I’ll be at the game!”

“Chill man, it’s alright. I just called cause Roy and Bobbi told me what happened to you. I’m really sorry to hear it.”

“Yeah, please don’t remind me. It’s still a fresh wound.”

“Why should it even be a wound? You couldn’t stand her remember?” Tom always knew what was going on, and there never was a thing you could hide from him. “Remember how depressed and angry you were when she left you out in the rain that one-“

“Okay I got enough of that from Bobbi before,” I snapped back.

“I’m just trying to help with the situation. Honestly, she wasn’t good for you. You want a real kind of love, none of this when the moment hits bull-crap she gave you. Moments are nice, but if you only go moment to moment, where’s the sustenance that ties all the moments together?”

“And this is the logic that got Annie Mae to say yes when you proposed?”

“It’s also the logic that you disregarded and made you drive to Poughkeepsie so many times. There are real girls out there, smart girls, nice ones too. They don’t want a fling whenever the moment hits and they feel like it. They want an actual feeling of romance. You’ll find yours out there.”

“Yeah, well for right now I just want to clear my head. Six months is still six months.”

“It was probably more like six days to her.” His comment struck me. “But that’s just how I saw it. Are you coming to the game with us tonight? It’ll clear you head, make you feel better. They’re playing Providence, I know how much you can’t stand them. A little hatred towards some hockey players is just what you need to forget about her.”

“Glad to know I always have friends like you to rationalize a break-up.” I sighed. “I’m coming tonight, as soon as I get out of this traffic.”

“Alright, we’ll see you there.”

“And did you just use the word sustenance in a working sentence?”

“Those English courses at Trinity are really paying off aren’t they?” Tom laughed. “Hey by the way, since when did you start listening to the Bea-“

“Just shut your mouth please!”

“Anytime! See you for the game.” Tom laughed and hung up.

Tom was always like that, putting in pieces of advice that he always thought were helpful but usually weren’t. But maybe he was right this time, I mean after all, he is getting married in three months while I’m still floundering after one of the worst relationships known to man. I guess I am the only person in the universe who just doesn’t understand how romance works, and it’s really sad considering that romance is all I really want from the universe.

We kept inching forward and I saw we were getting closer to the accident since the flashing emergency lights were getting brighter and brighter. I finally pulled up alongside a police officer who knocked on my window to speak to me.

“Excuse me sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but you wouldn’t happen to have a phone on you that we could borrow for a few minutes?”

“Well I was waiting for another call soon, is this an absolute emergency?”

The officer shrugged. “I just didn’t want to disturb the guy listening to the Beatles. I love that song.”

“Here, just take it.”

“Thank you kindly.” The officer took the phone and disappeared for a moment before coming back to my car.

“You can’t tell me happened here can you? Traffic is pretty backed up, was the accident really that bad?”

“A guy side swiped some woman and she spun out and caused a bit of a pile up covering the whole northbound side. Four cars total. No bad injuries but the girl is pretty shaken up. Ambulance is still looking over her. Hope you don’t mind that she used your phone.”

“It’s alright, is there anything else I can do to help?”

“Not really. If you want you can go over to get your phone back when she’s done, you aren’t going to be moving for a little while anyways.”

I gave Ringo a look. “Why not, chance to stretch my legs.” Secretly it also gave me a chance to try and distance myself from “Hey Jude” for a little bit. I left my car there and followed the officer to the ambulance where I saw the girl with a band-aid on her head using my phone and trying to calm down, although it didn’t look like she was succeeding.

“Hello?! Hello?” she yelled into the phone. “Damn it! I can’t hear a single thing over that stupid song! All those incessant na na na’s, they just ramble on.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, finally someone else who isn’t fond of Ringo. She heard my laughing and looked up from the phone. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Oh nothing at all. You’re just using my phone that’s all, no rush. He’ll play Hey Jude a few more times just in spite.”

“Please shoot me then and put me out of my misery. I just don’t understand what the heck is so great about the Beatles.” She shook her head and extended her hand, “I’m sorry, where are my manors. Karen Kennedy, author of this fine mess of cars. Thanks for letting me use the phone.”

I shook her hand. “Oh don’t worry about. James Page although all my friends call me Jimmy. Afraid I don’t have any such number one hits to my credit. It’s an honor to meet such a celebrity.”

“James Page? You’re not Bobbi’s friend are you?”

“Yeah, how’d you know? I was actually on my way back to Hartford to go see her, we’re-“

“Going to the hockey game tonight? I was on my way to do the same.”

“You’re *the* Karen! That’s right! She told me that she had a friend from Danbury coming up.”

“Yeah, well that’s me. I’m really sorry to hear about Poughkeepsie.”

“Bobbi already told you all about it?” I cringed away embarrassed.

“Yeah, well you know Bobbi, she has trouble keeping her mouth shut. But from what I’ve heard, it sounds like this girl wasn’t worth it anyways.”

“Join the list of people telling me that,” I finally was able to let out a laugh. “Is there anything I can do to help? I mean it looks like you’re pretty much stuck here? If you want I can give you a lift up to Hartford. Hearing another voice would be soothing to the ear after listening to ‘Hey Jude’ for the past hour.”

“I really pity you then. Sometimes I think that I’m the only person in the universe who just doesn’t get the Beatles. I dated this guy who was obsessed with the Beatles for four months; I just couldn’t take them anymore. But when you don’t understand how romance is supposed to work, I guess that’s nobody’s fault but mine.”

“If Bobbi told you about Poughkeepsie then you know I feel your Beatles-type pain.” I laughed. “It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled; been a long lonely lonely-“

“Lonely, lonely, lonely time?” She laughed finishing off my sentence. “I think I will take you up on that ride up to Hartford. Don’t want to miss a chance to boo the Bruins, I can’t stand them. Let me just finish up with the ambulance, but I should be good enough to avoid going to the hospital.”

“It would be an honor to take you up to Hartford.”

My phone rang in Karen’s hand. “It’s Roy,” she looked at the screen before handing me back the phone.

“Roy! What’s up?”

“Jimmy! Where are you? You’re not still stuck in Waterbury are you?”

“Yeah, I’m still in Waterbury.”

“Well everyone is here; we’re just waiting for you and Bobbi’s friend to show up.”

“Something tells me she’s stuck in this traffic too.”

“What makes you say that?”

“She’s standing right next to me,” I said very matter-of-factly. “We’ll be a bit late but we’ll get there for game time. Just meet us at the ticket window.”

“You sound a little more cheery than last time. You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, couldn’t be feeling better.”

“That’s the spirit! Get here soon and we’ll see you two at the game.”

I hung up to see Karen hop out of the ambulance. “Alright, I’m cleared. I’ll have to call the insurance company and clear this all up in the morning but as for right now there isn’t much I can do. A little hatred towards some hockey players is just what I need right now. Come on, lead the way.”

Did I learn anything that day about how romance works? Absolutely not and for all I know I probably never will. But then again I still will never get the get the Beatles either and I’m more than happy with it that way.