Tears in the Snow

Here I am again darling. I must have visited you four or five times this week and it's only Wednesday. If you could see me now you'd scold me for being out at this time of night. But you can't see me. You can't hear me either but it doesn't stop me talking to you.
I had to come here tonight. I was lying in bed and I could hear the wind outside and remembered how we listened to the wild, howling wind on the night you left me. We lay in bed together and you were so weak and pale. I could feel the life was slipping away from you and I willed you to hang on. Begged you in my mind not to leave me alone in the storm. We loved to listen to storms together. So tonight when I heard the wind, I imagined I heard you calling to me. You'd laugh if you heard me say that. You always said I had an overactive imagination.
I got out of bed and pulled on some clothes before walking up here. Obviously there's no one around at this time of night. Most people would be afraid to come into the graveyard alone in the dark but I'm not scared because I know you're here. It's still hard for me to see your name in gold letters on this headstone. It looks like it's an intruder on the stone. It should be some sick old man's name on it, not yours. Not you, my young, handsome, darling love. But it is yours. You're dead. You left me. And you promised you'd never do that.
I'm sorry darling, do I sound angry? Well I am angry but not at you. I know you didn't plan to leave me here. I don't really know who I'm angry with. The doctors? God? Myself? I was furious at myself the night you died. Why couldn't I save you? How could I let you just die in my arms? People were supposed to save the ones they love. But I couldn't save you.
I remember about ten minutes before your last breath touched my cheek, you looked at me and you told me to be strong. I promised you I would. Well I have tried. I've tried to remember the good times. But my memories of you remind me what I'm missing. It's so hard to know that you were here, you did exist and now you've gone.
I miss everything about you. The stupid grin you used to wear when watching a programme you loved, the way you sang when making breakfast, the way you used to look at me...
I'm sorry I'm crying again sweetheart. I can't help it. I have tried so hard to keep my promise. But I'm not strong. My strength died with you. My love of life was buried in that cold grave with you. Why does six feet of soil get to be near you when I can only cry over a stone?
How could you even begin to think that I could have lived without you? Why did I even kid myself into attempting it? Dig me a grave and throw the soil on top of me. I wouldn't fear it. I long for it. I'm tired of being here. You were everything to me. And this is all that's left of you.
It's so cold out here tonight. It was snowing earlier and I can feel it crunching under my body as I shift around. Some of my tears have splashed on it and created a mushy puddle. If only my tears could wake you up.
Oh God I'm so weary. I've got one wish that can never be granted. Please if you can hear me, my love, please just come back. Please just somehow come back to me.
You'd be yelling at me if you could see what I'm about to do. But you haven't experienced this tormenting pain. You don't know what it's like to live with a part of you six feet underground.
So my problems will now be solved. I shall see you soon. This knife will see to that.