SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING

My fellow comrades, lend me your ears!
         On numerous occasions my limit has been tested and my self-image tampered with, but I have never been so taken back with one single word, DORK. Naturally, I am especially bothered with this word when it is intended to pertain to my behavior or personality, and the disturbing way it rolls off the tongue of the popular. With several specific classifications in mind, being the ultimate addressee, I bring to you this explanation: it’s a chemical disorder inherited at birth, a mental defect I am working through. I have been fighting the battle for years and fear I will be fighting it years to come. The scientific term for the highly contagious disease is Psychologically Anomic Isalotta Narcidorkus (PAIN), but that pretty much gets narrowed down to “Dork.” The three requirements for Isalotta Narcidorkus patients are as follows: weekly chemical injections, daily oral medications, and 8, two hour sessions a month with a highly qualified dorkologist. Professionals believe PAIN to be a very serious condition and advise it should be dealt with accordingly. For years doctors and scientists around the world have been studying PAIN, attempting to prove that lack of medication or refusal thereof, can actually worsen the patient’s mental condition. Several, lengthy studies show a vast change in the patient’s mental status.

         As one of the few institutionalized subjects, I can honestly tell you, being a science experiment is nothing like a walk in the park; it’s more similar to a stroll through hell. The world as I know it is restricted to a lonely, windowless room with 4 white padded walls, a bed, and of course, complementing hell, there’s the lab. Unworthy scientists and doctors from around the world steal my precious hours on earth, daily performing tests and experiments. Being diagnosed even before birth, and labeled as an “Experimental Subject,” I have never sampled the celebrated PAIN medication. Testing my brain, they compare my behavior with other subjects, who are given their PAINS medication. However much they may put me through now, when I escape, I will payback ten fold.

         Medical professionals claim my condition is dreadfully serious, and that my mental status is worsening steadily due to the fact I am denied medication. I, conversely have a completely different opinion on the matter. I consider myself to be an incredibly smart person, possibly even a genius, but not to the dorkest extent and in need of no medication whatsoever. The doctors say I am in denial and that I'm not the intellectual type, but they haven’t seen my brain in “mid-think.” There is a very considerable chance that Albert Einstein is in fact, a great uncle of mine. I was actually once told that quite a few of my ancestors were extremely brilliant. As it turns out, brains run in my family, everybody has one. As if I should be so lucky, I have done nothing to make this world a better place except indulge others with my presence and dazzle them with my wits. Being that my IQ is an elevated 116, I am convinced I may be blessed with the greatest mind in history, whose future holds the key to the 22nd century. I am the answer to the equation, the spoon full of sugar that helps the medicine go down, the apple that fell too far from the tree, the center of all that is worthy, and possibly even the cure for cancer. I am your leader; follow me into the future where we will gain WORLD DOMINATION!