Sinking

I feel myself being sucked into his black pit. How much longer can this go on? I am desperate for relief. I need normalcy to return. I crave the feeling of security that I never realized I had, until it was gone. Why will he not take care of this? Can’t he see it tearing us apart? Our entire family is suffering. The children live in fear of his mood swings. Will he yell at us today? Or will today be a good day? Or will he sleep all day again?

As his wife, I need to be strong for him, to support him. I need to try and hold everything together. I have to camouflage our life for the outside world. I have to protect the children from seeing what is going on, as if they don’t sense it anyway. I have to put on a smiling face and pretend nothing is wrong. Suzy Homemaker, that’s me. Bring me my pearls and poufy skirts and high heels. I will smile with every hair in place. With every breath, I’m sinking deeper and deeper into the pit.

Part of me wants to just walk away. Remove myself and my children until he seeks the help he desperately needs. I am drowning. I need air. He is no longer the man I married. The man I love is buried deep inside the pit. Will he ever come out? Is this lifeless shadow here to stay? I can’t leave. I have to find my husband. I know he is in there somewhere. Do I have the strength?

I slip a little further.