Mortals are Better

Time: Irrelevant
Location: Heaven

“Is He here? I need to talk to Him!”

“He’s a little busy right now, you will have to wait...”

“This is outrageous! I can’t wait, I need to talk to Him now! Get out of my way, Peter!”

“OK, but He won’t like it. Don’t say you haven’t been warned...”

“What is with all that noise out there? Oh, it was you, Lucifer...”

“Yes, me. Listen, we have to talk. You can’t keep on sending all the fallen angels to Hell!”

“Lucifer, you know the rules. Every mortal must have an angel watching over him. They are so helpless, they need constant protection...”

“That’s because You made them so weak...”

“How dare you speak to your Creator like this?”

“Oh, shut up Peter!”

“It is all right, Peter. After so many centuries I am used to have him acting the way he does...”

“Then You won’t be surprised when I’ll tell You that this thing has to stop!”

“Peter, what is he talking about?”

“You see, Sir, it appears that we’re having a situation down on Earth. It concerns that mortal, Alexei, the one we have already talked about, remember?”

“Oh, yes, the skater. What about him, Peter?”

“You asked to be well taken care so we kept on sending our first class angels to watch over him... well, the problem is that they all fall in love with him and since angels aren’t allowed to fall in love... bof! They all go to Hell.”

“Yes! There are so many of them! And they are all so nice! They started to convert my people and now even the most vicious criminals are starting to behave! Another couple of days and it will really start to look like Heaven! Brrr... It’s a nightmare! Are You sure there’s any angel left up here ‘cause it appears to me they’re all gathered down there!”

“Actually, Sir, we’re kind of running short of angels at the moment...”

“I see, Peter... Well, what do you want me to do, Lucifer? I cannot break my own rules!”

“You have to do something! This is getting out of control! What about the other mortals? They need angels too!”

“Hmm, I see your point... any suggestion, Peter?”

“...None that I can think of, Sir.”

“Lucifer?”

“Can’t we let him without an angel?”

“That’s out of the question, Sir. You remember what happened last time we let him on his own... without guidance he’s out of control! He would go straight to Hell!”

“Then why are we wasting time? Send him to me and let’s move on! Why is he so important anyway?”

“No, no, no, I will not send him to Hell only for that... I am pretty fond of this mortal and I have big plans for him. He is one of my best creations. Of course, he is not perfect, but I am getting better at this as we speak.”

“It took you quite a while...”

“Show some respect...”

“Shut up, Peter. Now how about this mortal? I’m not taking any more angels in my custody, I’m warning You.”

“I do not know, I am open to any suggestions...”

“Let’s try this way... since none of Your angels did the
job right, let me send some of my devils to do it. They’re all well trained and the success is guaranteed.”

“Devils doing good things? Don’t make me laugh!”

“Peter, another word and I’m gonna kick your ass from here straight to Hell and until He will get you out of there you will learn to keep your mouth shut, I promise you that!”

“Lucifer, be nice and stop threatening poor Peter.”

“Nice? You want me to be nice? That’s exactly what I’m afraid of! With so many angels around me I’m afraid I will turn into one as well! And then what will happen to the world? My entire purpose is to be mean! You made me this way, damn it!”

“No swearing here. Don’t you see the sign?”

“Calm down, Lucifer... You too, Peter... There is no need to yell. Do you think your devils could do the job?”

“Positive!”

“OK, let’s try it your way and see what will happen...”

Time: Later
Location: Heaven

“Hi, Lucifer!”

“Hello, Peter. What’s up? Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t ask that... Busty, Legs, what are you doing here? You were supposed to be at work on Ear... Oh, my God, what are those on your back?”

“Lucifer, we got wings! Isn’t this just awesome?”

“We’re still on probation, but Peter here promised us we might even get halos!”

“Lucifer, I must tell you, man, your idea about sending devils to Heaven was priceless! Lots of things have changed since they come up here!”

“I can see that... Peter, you’re learning! Is He here? May I come in?”

“Sure, go ahead!”

“Hi, Boss! I was expecting to find You surrounded by devils like Peter outside...”

“Spare me with you dark humor. I’m not in the mood for this.”

“Aren’t We a little grumpy today? What’s up, Doc?”

“I told you to stop watching cartoons, Lucifer.”

“Why? It’s fun! If there were only one good thing I gave to the world then that would be television.”

“Oh, crap...”

“Wow, this is bad. I don’t think I’ve heard You swearing before... except for that time when I forgot to turn off the water and I almost drowned the entire human kind. What a pitty! What’s the problem this time?”

“Your devils, they are the problem! They’re messing with my things.”

“I was wondering where they kept on disappearing...”

“Well, they are all here!”

“Yeah, and all Your angels are at my place... Since our staff changed places I would suggest for us to do the same but I’m used to a temperature at least 20 degrees higher than here and I’m not much fan of flying so... wanna trade? I give You one angel for two devils. It would be only fair, You always thought Yours are above mine.”

“Lucifer, I would give them all to you for free, believe me... if only they wanted to leave!”

“Leave it to me to convince them, I’ll take care of this... It’s still not clear to me how come a devil could turn into an angel though...”

“Love is such a powerful thing, my friend. Sometimes I think it is the best thing I have ever invented...”

“Or the worse... it’s just a matter of opinion. Anyway, just don’t let the mortal know that or next thing we know he’ll be running for our positions and You know what would happen if they get to vote... we will be both out of the job!”

“Right...”

“I’m shocked! We have actually agreed on something? That’s a first!”

“Quit joking and put your devilish mind at work. This is serious business!”

“Yeah, we have to keep him busy...”

“Yes, but how?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard, he’s just a mortal... Where is he by the way? I don’t see him down there.”

“Peter, where’s Alexei?”

“According to his schedule he should be training on the ice, Sir.”

“Well, he is not...”

“I think he learned something from my devils, he seems to prefer warmer places now. Look over there!”

“Where?”

“Right there... on that little island... under the palm
trees. Hey, Your mortal is not stupid! And he doesn’t have bad taste either. Did You see that girl? Who is she?”

“I do not know her, she is not part of my staff.”

“She’s not part of mine either, although I wouldn’t mind if she were... Peter, who’s that girl?”

“Mmm...”

“Saint Peeeeeteeeer... I asked you something!”

“Patience, Lucifer, I’m checking... No, she’s not on any of my lists. She’s not one of us.”

“So if she’s not an angel, nor saint, nor devil, than who the Hell is she?”

“Lucifer, your language, please... Peter, could she be a mortal?”

“That would be my best guess, Sir.”

“Of course, she’s a mortal! She can’t be an alien since we have already decided that they do not exist. When are You going to tell them about that?”

“I do not know, Lucifer, I have not decided it yet. I will let them search the sky for a while until I do...”

“You’re sadistic. I love it when You’re playing mean! And you, Peter, you said He doesn’t have it in Him. Ha! The great Almighty! He’s worse than all of us!”

“That is enough, Lucifer! Hmm, look over there... he looks well taken care to me, don’t you think?”

“I wish I was that well taken care...”

“Maybe we should just let them be for a while... and see what happens... It would give us some time to work on more important matters.”

“Yeah, like heating... You have promised me to increase the Hell’s temperature with two more degrees two centuries ago and You still haven’t done it. What am I supposed to tell all the people who voted for me?”

“Nobody voted for you, I put you there, Lucifer.”

“Yes, but if You don’t provide good working conditions I’ll go on strike until You do. Starting from now! Peter, let’s get to a bar and get toasted. I’m sure Busty and Legs would be happy to join us.”

“Hey, Lucifer! Where are you going?”

“I told You I’m on strike. What I do on my free time it’s my business.”

“What am I suppose to do if you leave? Who will entertain me?”

“I don’t know and honestly nor do I care. Watch that couple, You might learn something!”

“That is not such a bad idea. Look how cute they are...”

“They are? Of course, since it was my idea... Let me see... Hey, they really are cute!”

“Do you see the way he looks at her? This is called love, Lucifer. It is so romantic!”

“It is? If You say so... I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this before.”

“Peter, come over here and watch with us!”

“Sorry, Sir, can’t do. Duty calls!”

“Where are you going?”

“To plant some more palm trees... they deserve to have some privacy and this way we could all get back to our businesses... before Hell freezes over!”