A Vicious Cycle

I want it.
I need it.
I can't survive without it.

Then I get it.
Everything seems to be okay again.
It gives me confidence, strength,
and ironically, it gives me hope.

People talk,
A small town full of judgment.

So I hide it.
I make excuses.
They don't have to know.
They don't understand how important it is to me.

But suddenly what I thought was so good is now hurting me,
Physically and emotionally destroying me.

I need help.
My friends are there for me.
They will help me get through this.
I realize that I don't deserve
to do this to myself.

Self-control.
It is not that hard.
I will make it.
I will be okay.
The longer I go without it the better I will feel.
I can do this...
Right?

But then something goes wrong in my life.
Things aren't going as planned.
I begin to lose hope.
What will I do?
I can't fix things myself.
I'm not that strong.

Old habits die hard.
I have nothing else.
A vicious cycle.
What does it take to make myself stop?

You wonder:
What is my addiction?
You.
Your love,
Or what I thought was love.

For four long years I've watched you slowly lose the battle against drugs.
Why is it so important to you?
Why does it matter more than anything else?
Why, when you know that you are hurting me as much as you are hurting yourself?
Why?

But now as I take a look at myself, I find some understanding.

You want it.
You need it.
You can't survive without it.

I know that no matter what.
you have to have it
Because I feel the same way about you.

I need you.
I want you.
I can't survive without you.

You are my first love.
Despite everything I don't regret it,
Nor will I forget it.

In retrospect, we are not so different at all.
We are weak.
Trapped by our own addictions.

But we are different.
I have the courage to admit that I'm addicted,
That I have become
Everything that I have always hated.

Will I ever reach the
far away destination of recovery?
Probably.
Or probably not.

When will I realize that
I don't need you,
or want you,
or that I can survive without you after all?