Maybe It's A Sign

Slamming the door behind me, I took off down the street; tears still streaming down my face. My lip was throbbing from the blow it had received before my decision to run came to mind, and my lungs were already screaming for air. I wasn’t even half way down the street yet before the shouting started to follow me, and I knew he was only a few seconds behind me. Don’t stop, run. Won’t go back, can’t go back. Keep running, you’ll make it. Won’t let him do it again, gotta get away. My thoughts were a crazy mess, and the only thing clear to me was that I had to get away. I had to leave that house, and him. I couldn’t go back and give him the satisfaction of slamming his fist into my face again. Cold sores my ass.

I couldn’t figure out where to go, and I began to panic again; what if there’s no where safe for me? No. Don’t think that. There will be somewhere safe, there has to be. Just keep running. My mind began to race over people I could trust or places that I could at least go to for a short period of time. Nothing was coming to mind, and as I rounded the corner and headed for the highway into town, hope started to fade; somehow though, I managed to keep my feet moving.

‘Get back here! Get back here you little shit!’ his voice shouted behind me. For a moment I squeezed my eyes shut tight and tried to block him out. I couldn’t give in, couldn’t let that powerful boom control me like it had done my whole life. I knew that if I stopped my feet I’d receive the beating of my life, and I wasn’t about to let him have that satisfaction. Why me? Why not them too? Why won’t he hit them, or talk like that to them? I don’t understand… seven kids and I’m the one who gets it.

My feet continued to pound on the pavement, and I let out a groan as I reached the big hill. I was already tired and my lungs were burning and felt as if they were about to rip in half from lack of oxygen. God please, don’t let me give in now. Gotta make it. Gotta get up the hill…someone was on my side that night, and I found my legs get a new burst of energy as they carried my body up the steep hill.

I knew by the time I had reached the top that he’d given up on chasing me, but that wasn’t going to stop me from continuing to run. He wouldn’t let me get away that easily, and I knew that if my legs didn’t continue to carry me, the car would be behind me and he’d be grabbing me and throwing me into it before dragging me back to the house.

The highway came into view and I still didn’t know where to go. It was getting late, and with the curfew I’d more than likely be caught by a police officer and taken back. It had happened before, and the officer refused to believe that my Dad had done what I said he had. ‘There’s no way your father would do that. Stop lying, you’re just trying to sneak off.’ Were his words. I wanted to scream at him that it was the truth, but when I had heard what he said, all I could do was slump in my seat and fight back the tears in my eyes.

The only place that I could think of going was Grandma Bea's house, and I knew that it would only be a safe place for the night and that she’d take me home in the morning. It’ll at least give him time to cool off… maybe he won’t be so angry in the morning. I knew that it was still a good twenty minute run, but I had to get there, I had no choice.

As my legs continued to take me farther, my body filled with another burst of adrenaline and energy and I started to feel confident that I’d make it. Gonna be okay. Gonna make it somehow. Thank you God, please keep me moving; please.

I reached the first set of lights, and had to stop to wait for my turn to cross the street. As my legs came to a halt, I leaned against the post, and started to pant for air. My lungs were aching, but it was worth it.

For the first time since I left the house, I realized that my lip was not only throbbing in pain and bruised; it was also bleeding. Damn… that’ll look good when we go back to work in three days. I wonder what kind of excuse he’ll make me give them this time. I wish I could just tell them the truth, but I know they’ll only laugh and think that I’m making another joke.

When the light turned green, my feet started to move again and I once again found myself running. This time though, the panic had ebbed off, and I thought that things were at least about to get better until the morning.

Then I heard it behind me. My name was being shouted, and another stream of panic shot through my body. I didn’t stop moving, and I forced myself not to pay attention to the voice. I didn’t want the reality of him coming after me again to strike.

‘Zac! Zac, damn it would you stop running!’ the voice continued to shout, and suddenly it clued in that it wasn’t him. Taylor. Relief swept through me when I realized it was my brother, and my feet stopped moving. I turned to see him beside me; leaning out the window of his car with worry written on his face. ‘Jesus…’ he trailed off. Probably saw my lipShaking his head to clear his thoughts he let out a sigh, ‘Get in the car? Please? I promise I won’t take you home.’

I hesitated at first; wondering if I should believe him. Dumb ass, this is Taylor. Big Brother. He’ll keep you safe. I slowly walked around to the other side of the car and got in. After doing up my seatbelt, I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. ‘Thanks…’ my voice came out quiet and tired, and all I could think about was crawling into a soft bed and sleeping for the next year or so.

I felt his hand on my shoulder, and when I opened my eyes I realized that we hadn’t started to drive yet. I looked over at him and saw the concern and worry in his eyes, and before I knew it I was being pulled into a hug. Pull away. Instead I remained stiff in his grasp, and he continued to hold me; not giving up until I had wrapped my arms around him in return. Wait… this feels safe. It’s okay… he cares. Hug him back. Listening to my own thoughts, my arms slowly went around him, and I shut my eyes.

Tears threatened to fall once again, and I found myself blinking them back furiously; not wanting to cry in front of him. ‘It’s okay…’ his voice came out soothingly next to my ear, ‘Please? It’s okay. You need to cry…’ how’d he know? I didn’t care though, and the second he said it, the tears started again.

I don’t know how long I allowed myself to cry in his arms on the side of the street in his car, but that’s not really what’s important. What’s important was that he let me cry, understood, and held onto me while I did it. It felt good to have his protective arms around me, and I couldn’t help but cling to him; my fingers tightly curled around the back of his shirt. At some point, he had let one arm slip from around me to lock the doors, and I was forever grateful for it. Neither one of us wanted him to find the car.

After a while, my tears decided to stop and I pulled away from him. Looking up at him with a sheepish smile, I wiped my eyes and settled back against the seat. ‘Thanks Tay…’ I said quietly; my voice still coming out shaky and unsure, ‘for that… and for finding me.’

Taylor looked at me as if I had lost my mind, and tugged the messy pony tail at the back of his head tighter. ‘Zac, you honestly think that I’d let you get caught again? Not now that I can drive…’ he said and sighed. Leaning his head against the steering wheel, he turned to look at me, ‘I just… I wish I could have been there to stop it instead.’ He said softly.

No… God…more tears. I bent my head and let my hair fall around my face so that he didn’t see them as they slipped silently from my eyes, ‘It’s okay.’ I said as I propped my foot against the dashboard, ‘You weren’t home. You didn’t know.’

I could hear him sigh from behind my hair, and the car start, ‘That’s not the point.’ He said as he pulled out and headed out onto the highway, ‘The point is that I should have been there to stop it.’ His voice was firm and sure and I could tell without looking that his lip was between his teeth and that his knuckles were white from gripping the wheel so tightly.

‘Stop it?’ I said as I pulled my hair back yep, I was right. ‘For what Tay, for him to hit you too? I’m fine.’ I sat back farther in the seat and began to fiddle with my hands, ‘Better me than someone else.’ The last part of my sentence came out as a mumble, and I darted my tongue out over the new cut on my lip and frowned when I tasted the blood that was still there. I reached into his glove compartment and pulled out a Kleenex; dabbing it on the cut.

When Taylor heard what I said, he frowned and suddenly made a sharp turn into an empty parking lot. Fuck, he’s trying to kill us… Shutting the car off, he turned to face me; his eyes blazing with anger and worry. ‘Don’t ever say that again.’ He told me; his voice sharp and stern, ‘You hear me? Don’t ever say it again. Not better that it was you, Zac. Better if it was NO one. God...’ he stopped and threw his fist against the horn; causing me to jump slightly. Waiting till he calmed himself down again, he turned to look at me, ‘A Father should never hit his kids.’ He said with a high amount of emotion in his voice, ‘No matter what, he should never hit them. It’s wrong, and it shouldn’t happen, and believe me; that was the last time. He’s never going to touch you again. Not if I have anything to do about it.’

I chewed on the inside of my cheek; not daring to bring my teeth anywhere near the cut on my mouth, and stayed quiet for a moment, ‘What are you going to do? Go after him if he tries?’

He frowned slightly and clenched his fists a little, ‘No… that’s not right. Hitting for hitting is just as bad as hitting in the first place.’ He turned to look out his window, and I could tell by the look on his face that thoughts were flying fast and furiously through his mind, ‘Maybe…’ he stopped and turned to look at me, ‘I know you can’t tell anyone..’ he said quietly, ‘I don’t know what I’ll do Zac, but I’m going to do something. We’ll find a way to stop it, okay? I promise.’

Yeah sure, Tay. You’ll find some way. You’re too much of an optimist. There is NO way. My thoughts told him what I didn’t have the heart to say. I knew that I couldn’t tell him that it wasn’t going to work, that nothing would. He cared too much, and wanted to help so much that I had to let him think that there was a way that it would work. ‘Okay…’ was all I said; my voice quiet.

He leaned over and hugged me again; his forehead pressing against my shoulder. ‘I love you Zac, you know that right?’

My heart seemed to puff up when I heard that, and I nodded. Here they come again… more tears hit my eyes, and I tugged him even closer, ‘I know you do.’ I said softly, ‘I love you too Tay.’

When he pulled back, he gave me a soft smile, ‘Where do you want to go?’ he asked as he started the car back up and did a U turn out of the parking lot.

I thought for a moment, and let my mind wander over all the places that I knew I felt safe. A picture started to form in my head of a house made out of stone and wood; fur trees in the yard. My house, our house; the house that both Taylor and I had grown up in. Our family hadn't sold it when we moved, and it was the safest place in the world to me. ‘Let’s go home.’ I said quietly as I watched his face as he drove down the busy street.

Taylor turned to look at me, and his eyes were soft and warm. He nodded and his lips turned up into a tiny smile, ‘Home it is then.’ He said quietly as his hand went to the radio. He turned it on; the volume down low, and Optimistic by Radiohead filtered throughout the car as we made our way to the one place both of us felt we belonged. Away from him, away from work, and away from life. Home. Maybe it’s a sign…

Optimistic

Flies are buzzing around my head
Vultures circling the dead
Picking up every last crumb
The big fish eat the little ones
The big fish eat the little ones
Not my problem give me some

You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
(x2)

This one's optimistic
This one went to market
This one just came out of the swamp
This one dropped a payload
Fodder for the animals
Living on an animal farm

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
(x2)

I'd really like to help you man
I'd really like to help you man.....
Nervous messed up marionette
Floating around on a prison ship

If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
Dinosaurs roaming the earth (x3)