Love is???

Love is such a confusing and undefined topic. As little girls we are shown that love is like a fairytale with prince charming and a castle. We grow up thinking that we are in love when we are swept off our feet, when we feel butterflies in our stomach or when we find we are not in control of ourselves and our emotions because of another person’s presence.

I have felt in love a few times in my life and every time I have found that the fairytale eventually turns to reality. I still love the person but I don’t feel the excitement and butterflies anymore. Things like trust and security have taken the place of the butterflies. There is more certainty in the relationship because we know each other much more and we still love/ care for each other. The excitement and passion of the new relationship has just worn off. Were still in love right? The fairytale love 24/7, 365 days a year is not realistic. Nobody has that their whole relationship right?

To me love is supporting each other and always being there. It’s knowing you have someone who will take care of you when you are at your worst. It’s the effort and work two people put into making a relationship work. It’s the trust you have and the comfort you find in each others presence. Honestly, I miss the fairytale romance though. I want to have butterflies in my stomach sometimes and I want to be swept off my feet.

Love is so conflicting and so confusing….

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I have received several comments on this piece asking for a more in depth discussion of my feelings and thoughts. This particular comment inspired me to write more on this topic.

Comment given: “This is a lovely item that definitely speaks the truth... I very clearly remember the effect disney movies such as "Sleeping Beauty," and "The Little Mermaid," had on me. Waiting forever for my gallant prince Eric/Phillip etc... That was the idea wasn't it? I'm very glad you chose to mention that in your piece. It's lovely. The one critique I would give is that love is so much more complicated than three paragraphs. It could be a lot longer, even though I like it the way it is. Thanks so much!”

I agree love is much more complicated that three paragraphs! I am still exploring and experiencing it and do not fully understand or grasp the concept in it's entirety. As I learn and experience more I will have more to write about. I just feel very conflicted and lost right now and I am writing for clarity and for the input and wisdom of others.

Truthfully part of me is worried that I am damaged and confused about love because of my mother’s relationship problems. I watched her go through many unhealthy relationships because she was dependent on the men to support her, she lost herself in them, she was afraid and hated being alone. Our home had physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol addiction and drug addiction.

My first love (a 4 year high school relationship) was similar to my mother’s relationships. I also endured a lot of unneeded drama and abuse. I was just so swept up in the relationship and the “love we had” that I didn’t realize how much he was hurting me. Looking back I realize most of it was just an allusion. People said we were the “perfect couple” so we acted like the “perfect couple” for everyone around us. We were really falling apart though. In the end we were both growing and becoming more as individuals. The codependency that held us together slowly disappeared as we developed more individual interests. He became very verbally abusive and did everything in his power to lower myself esteem. It think he was trying to keep me from changing. It broke my heart because I was really having some major success and I was really feeling good about myself. He was the one person who should have been cheering me on and supporting me but instead he felt compelled to bring me down any way he could.
I finally lost my cool one day and I told him he could not treat me badly anymore. We talked about how things weren’t working and that we should have some time apart. I was terrified about being alone again. I had spent four years of my life with him and had really lost who I was. He wanted to “take a break” from the relationship. I told him either we are apart or together and that I would not wait for him if we were on “a break”. We decided to go our separate ways.

I was learning to be single and independent again when another man crossed my path. He was interested in me and I didn’t even know it. It was only a month since the official break up and I wasn’t looking for love just yet. He asked me out for coffee and I initially wanted to say no just because I was scared and out of my element. I fought my urge to blow him off and told myself to live a little. We went out for coffee and he really made me feel good. We had a great time and ended up spending more time together. I had a major life setback and to make a long story short he stood by me through some really tough times. We are still dating and it has been three years since our first date! He is just the complete opposite of any man I would normally seek out but were great together! Sometimes I find myself wishing he was more romantic. Sometimes I feel like we are just living together and really I miss the romance we had. I find myself blaming him for not being more romantic and I am so scared that we are drifting apart.

I am just trying to decide if it’s okay for the romance to fade away. I mean we still have romantic times but it’s just not the same as when we first met. To me the security, comfort and trust is more important in the long run than being swept off my feet. I just yearn to be romanced and to feel special sometimes.

Here my main concern: Have I settled for comfy and safe to avoid getting hurt again or is it normal for the magic of romance to fade away with time?