The Life and Love of a Wallflower

I am, for all intensive purposes, a wallflower. I wasn’t always a wallflower. Life, in its cruel fashion, sometimes makes them of people. I was always shy but I inevitably found a little place to fit in, until I went to a new high school.
Now I must explain that there is an array of people at my new school. My class contained the same number of students as my old school did period, if you included staff. One might argue that a school of more ample proportions may be easier find friends as you have more chances to might someone like you. Not so. First, if you aren’t in a clique you will never meet anyone except the people in your classes. If you can’t become close friends with them and join their clique your next year there will feel like your at a whole new school because there are so many people you will not have a single class with anybody you had a class with last year. Coming from a school where not only did you know everybody’s full name, you knew his or her life story as well, you can imagine, I was a tad overwhelmed.
Now I’m not placing all the blame on bad school systems or God, which ever one is listening right now, I did my fair share pushing people away and not making any effort to make friends. But in my defense, this place was hell. The people, I can’t even begin to describe, were the least accepting, must close knit within themselves, up tight assholes I had ever met. And I was coming out of a small catholic town! Now that’s saying something…huge. I never met 5,000 people that I wonted to get know less than the students at Muskego High School. There were a few exceptions of course, Alicia in my freshman year, although I pushed her away because she wasn’t as “cool” as my old friends. God I was stupid back then. My sophomore year might actually be considered good. I met Cassandra, who introduced me to Tracy. Who I have to say was by far the third coolest person I had ever met. I also became friends with Ashley and Sara George although Tracy was probably the one who I could relate to the best. I think we could have become very good friends but I never tried to make plans outside of school or anything like that and alas the next year we had no classes together. My junior year there was nobody. I couldn’t have been more alone.
I do say one thing for that school though. I feel very comfortable alone in crowds now. Yeah, cause that really balances everything. Anyway, I have almost forgotten what it’s like to have friends…or talk in public. I imagine the way I was, all bold and outgoing. I would do or say almost anything as long as I had my friends behind me. Now I can’t walk about my door without almost having an anxiety attack.
To them all wallflowers are one in the same, I am no different than the girl from their English class who doesn’t’ talk. They see us as all one person, named The Wallflower. What they will never know is our dirty little secret. Now shhhh…don’t tell them but…we have personalities, and they are probably better than theirs.
There are so many things about myself that I forget exist when I am among them. I forget that I have a great sense of style. I am intelligent and almost amused by everything. I used to laugh all the time. I could out wit them in seconds. But why don’t I? Because I’m not their people and They aren’t mine. So somebody’s got to be outcasted and they out number me so I guess that would be….me!
Everyone has these memories of high school. Ones they will have always. I have three years of blurred nightmares. I miss myself, all those things I’ve forgotten and hidden. I wonder if I will ever regain them. But most of all I wonder If I’m ever going to have a real friend again.