Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence like physical abuse does. However, it can be just as painful, and recovery can take much longer. The victim of abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public she is with one man, in private he becomes another.



Often, for the verbally abused woman (or man), there is no witness to her reality and no one to understand her experiences. Friends and family continue to see her abuser, as a really good guy and, certainly, he agrees with them. The verbal abuser, while maintaining his charm with others, almost always takes his abuse behind closed doors. It is a means of holding power over his wife/partner.



Many women and some men leave a marriage and come back into the singles' world with the diminished self-esteem that comes from a verbally abusive relationship. The fact that many of these women (and men) have never even realized that they were being abused, makes it easy for them to enter another abusive relationship.



According to Evans, a verbal abuser is an insecure person and immature person who is looking for power and control over another. In order to help you recognize abuse, remember that all forms of verbal abuse are methods of manipulating you for the purpose of establishing power over you. The following are some of the forms of verbal abuse the author helps you recognize and examples of what the abuser’s partner may hear.



1. Withholding: a purposeful, silent treatment.



"There's nothing to talk about."

"What are you complaining about; I do talk to you."



2. Countering: a countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said.



"You don't know what you're talking about."

"That's not so and you can't prove it."



3. Discounting: a putdown of you, your feelings, experiences and special possessions as if they are worth nothing.



"You're too sensitive."

"You can't take a joke."

"You think you know it all."

"You're looking for a fight."



4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes: crass or "witty" disparaging remarks about the partner. This abuse is not done in jest, it cuts to the quick.



"You need a keeper."

"Boy! are you easily entertained."

"What else can you expect from a woman."



5. Blocking and diverting: refusing to or preventing discussion, ending communication or withholding information the partner needs.



"You heard me. I shouldn't have to repeat myself."

"Just drop it!"

"You're just trying to have the last word."

"You always have to be right."



6. Accusation and blame: generally involves lies about the partner's intentions, attitudes, and motives. The author states that accusation and blame is present in all verbally abusive relationships.



"You're looking for trouble."

"You're attacking me."

"You can't leave well enough alone."



7. Judging and criticizing: judging and expressing the criticism as if being "helpful" but instead is actually expressing a lack of acceptance of the partner.



"The trouble with you is…"

"Your problem is…"

"Wouldn't it be better to…"

To others:

"She doesn't know if she's coming or going."



9. Undermining: sabotaging, withholding emotional support, disrupting or interrupting the partner's activities such as loud talk or TV while partner is studying, sleeping, working. Erodes confidence and self esteem.



10. Threatening: Physical threats and sexual threats aside, verbal threats are an effort at manipulation. For example, a threat to leave, stay out all night, or take you home immediately is a manipulation for power. The threat of "pending disaster" is designed to shatter the partner's serenity as well as her boundaries.



"Do what I want or I'll…leave, have an affair, get a divorce, be angry."



11. Name calling: the most overt form of verbal abuse.



12. Forgetting: consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is denial and covert manipulation. Some partners consistently and conveniently forget the promises that are most important to their partners.



"I don't know where you got that."

"I never agreed to anything."



13. Ordering: denying the equality and autonomy of the partner.



"Get in here and clean up this."

"You're not wearing that."

"We're doing this now."



14. Denial: the most insidious category of abuse because it denies the reality of the partner. The abuser could read this book and say, "I have never been abusive, I love my partner and I would never do anything to hurt her."



"I never said that."

"I don't know where you got that."

"You're making that all up."



15. Abusive anger: this is linked to the need to "blow up," to dominate, to control, to go one up, and to put down. Any time you are snapped at or yelled at, you are being abused.



If you are in a brand-new relationship and see warning signs of verbal abuse, the author suggests you might be wise to let the relationship go. It is not likely that a man (woman) who needs to dominate and control will change easily, if at all. It is also likely that when the newness of the relationship wears off, he will become more abusive. Verbal abuse can become physical in time and physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse, according to Evans.



If you are in a long-term relationship, you can respond to the abuser as the book suggests and soon discover for yourself whether or not your mate is willing to change and stop his abusive behavior.



The author writes, "If you have been verbally abused in your relationship, you may have discovered that explaining and trying to understand have not improved your relationship. Therefore, I recommend that you respond in a new way--a way that will make an emotional, psychological, and intellectual impact upon your mate."



The abuser in your relationship may change when he finds that you do know when you are being abused, that you have set limits, that you mean what you say, and that you will not take behavior you don't like.



If the man in your relationship remains abusive, it is not only NOT your fault, it is not even your responsibility.



Whether you are a victim of verbal abuse or the abuser, this book will give you true insights into the underlying dynamics of the verbally abusive relationship. If you are a single person, it will help keep you out of a (another) abusive relationship.



Although Evans primarily addresses verbal abuse of women, she states that much of the book applies to men, too.

The book tells you how to counter verbal abuse to see if your partner is willing to change. The author writes that you will know about that willingness within a month or two because he will either have stopped abusing you or he will be continuing to abuse you.



She writes, "If he is deeply concerned about you and cares about your well-being and if he wants a healthy relationship with you, you may see results in the first week."



Patricia Evans includes important information on "marriage and couples" counselors and how many can and do perpetuate verbal and emotional abuse in the actual counseling sessions. Many women report their partner's abuse was validated and excused by the therapist or counselor that they saw as a couple.



The book also has excellent help on recovery from verbal abuse. Many victims have been so traumatized that they cannot be around their abusers, even for short periods, because the abuser continues the manipulation long after the marriage or relationship has ended.

I want to buy a copy for every woman I know and give her the willingness to read and understand the material.

Validated

Patricia Evans is an interpersonal communications specialist and the author of two books on the topic of verbal abuse. She is also a consultant, speaker and trainer. Founder of Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute (EICI), offering workshops and information on interpersonal communications, she has single-handedly brought the subject of verbal abuse to the forefront of American consciousness-naming and defining verbally abusive relationships when they were still unnamed and undefined.

As women gain more true equality in society the abuse will escalate because men will no longer have society's support in covertly controlling their partner's.

Visit the author's website at http://www.patriciaevans.com/



She is also the author of a companion book titled Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out ~ On relationship and recovery which I own and find equally as informative and important.

Interested in buying this? Support Writing.Com by making your purchase of The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond   from Amazon.Com!

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