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 |  Daily notes and timed freewrites but mostly my blog |
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All comments are encouraged, I am interested in what others think and feel along the topics I choose to write about. Highlighted entries: [#732826] "In Memory"       ![Merit Badge in Supportive
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| Another 6 hours before bedtime. I have started my crockpot for next week's lunches. And I have been temporarily locked out of the interactives--for some reason they aren't accessible atm. Talked with my son in Lewiston, ID--the 23rd--He turned 33. (It is still the 23rd here in Montana and Idaho as I write; btw). at 3:44am If you love Cats then visit this Journal. Pita   really out did herself with this wonderful idea:
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| Writing has been first and foremost my tool for healing. Yesterday's blog reflected progress in my personal growth ten years after a devastating loss. This that follows is the second 'writing assignment' that reflects my healing process. I also hope to give this letter to the person it is written to. It is a door closer, in that, I am finally removing my foot so the door can now shut. A Letter Okay, let me first start with the statement which reflects a huge assumption on my part. Here it is: You will never know (thus the assumption) the effects of your declaration that you no longer loved me and your leaving me had upon me. I didn't shatter, but only because of the defense mechanisms I'd developed to prevent such to occur. I can honestly say that the grief of the death of my son is the only pain that bests the pain of your leaving. I will never fully recover from Chris' death, but I am relieved to realize that I am recovering from your divorcing me from your life. It has taken me ten plus years to forgive you for not loving me as deeply and as genuinely as I've loved you. I'm sure you may have your regrets, but I am equally sure you have never loved a partner as deeply as you were loved. It was too easy for you to sneak away. To prove to you that I am 'over it', I write you this letter. My wish for you is that you find the love of your life and that your love is truly reciprocated. I have never wished for anyone else or you to experience the pain I have endured with the loss of your 'illusion of love' in my life; just as, I would never, ever wish on anyone the pain of the loss of a child. This pain, the loss of a child, I believe you can understand. You helped raise Chris and I know you loved him. Before you left, my love was such that I wanted to share in your life. These last painful years I wanted you to understand how your leaving devastated me. Recently, I've come to realize, it is no longer important to me that you understand how deeply I was hurt by your quitting our partnership. It was this personnal realization that told me I am finally able to forgive. I no longer love you as I once did. I don't think I will ever be that blind, again. However, not loving you as I did before is not to say I don't still love you. I know whenever and wherever we meet, I can feel friendship without the hurt. You might be startled to see the person 'you fell in love with.' But, I hope you don't feel regret. I may not be a better person (I know I have always been and will always be a good person), but I have grown wiser and stronger these last ten plus years. I am sad you will never share in my growth or the rest of my life first hand. I am sad I will never share in your life experiences. I forgive your incapacity to love me. Now, I must tend to the buisness of picking up the pieces of my life and move on into my future. So, until we meet again, may all your roads lead to only good places. Deb Yep, foot removed. Checking for broken bones--nope no need for a walking cast. And thus, the door is finally closed. I heard the snick of that inner mechanism as it slipped into the cut out part of the door frame. --okay all you carpenters out there--what is that inner part of the door knob mechanism called? And--What is the cut out hole in the door frame called? added March 23, 2014 at 9:51pm SWEET! it's my turn to add to the campfire again  And, of course, I don't have anything written up to just paste in. One of these days I will be on top of it; just not today. I have tonight (which for me, ends when I go to bed in about ten hours) to read and review, write up a finish to my Prairie Dog Trickster campfire addition, and possibly add to the Write Baton interactive. I may just tour some forums too. It has been years since I walked the crowded halls of the WdC Forum Community. |
| I just read my last blog entry. Oh boy, did I minimize myself or what? I guess I better start thinking of myself as something more than a "recreational writer" or a recreational writer is what I 'shall forever be'. I need to change my status in my statics info to something more than what it is too, since it basically says that "i am" a recreational writer. Then I need to start living up to being "the writer, soon to be published"! That feels good. I haven't expanded on my 'dream' of writing since loosing it nearly ten years ago. Well, not quite in this way. Stevi Nicks sings a certain Fleetwood Mac song and I've heard her sing these inspirational words (well for me recently, anyway) during these last ten years. Let me explain. A sudden epiphany hiy me just as Stevi Nicks sang the chorus in Gold Dust Woman" "Did she make you cry; make you break down; shatter your illusions of love? Now tell me, Is it over now? Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go on?" Last night at work when mindlessly packaging 45 ACP brass and Stevi sang in my ear Now tell me, is it over now? Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go on?" I realized that I didn't know how. That realization hit like a brick, too. I stopped packaging with the shock of my personal answer to her question. I actually walked away from my station. To cover my reaction to that moment of realization, I went to the restroom. In that moment, I admitted to myself that in all this time, I hadn't succeeded in really going on. My struggle the last ten plus years with my writing is directly related to the question-- "Did she make you cry; make you break down; shatter your illusions of love? I have known the relationship between the loss of my partner and my diminished will to write, from the beginning. But, I didn't know how to get through it. I didn't know how to over come the loss of both my loves. I knew, my partner was gone so I concentrated on trying to get my muse back. I persisted in making myself write. That is when I adopted the 'BIC' (Butt in Chair) concept to help me get back into writing. And 'BIC' worked in a crippled, haphazard fashion. I would start stories but lose them in the middle; or I'd start a story in the middle and not have a beginning or end; or, I'd get a story written but it would have no purpose within it; or, as in most days, I'd write drivel not related to any story or my reality, just so I was writing something. I've written a lot of words during these last ten years, 99% of which are meaningless. I do have that 1%, however. That 1% when my struggling muse persisted along side me and 'we' actually accomplished something. Now, I find a new energy I haven't felt in a very long time. Isn't it 'funny' how my "love of a life time" and I were together for ten years and how it has taken ten years for me to finally wear down my grief of her leaving me. She never felt for me what I have felt for her. I know that. I think I knew that before she ever got the courage to leave me. She 'shattered my illusions of love' and it has taken me this long to forgive her for that. It has taken my muse this long to knock it in my head that she won't be able to come back until I forgive the loss of 'the love of my life'. Finally! I think I "know how to pick up the pieces and go on?" I forsee myself writing with new purpose and partnered with my muse intact from now on. This IS the year of my turn around and renewed love affair with my creative muse. Thank you Stevi Nicks for singing in my ear over and over again until I listened. And a very special thanks to my neice who has in a very meaningful way stood by her aunt and kept the faith that I could--she said so in a question recently. She asked me: "'BIC" does it refer to "butt in Chair" or "Because I Can"? Well, Kiddo from today on BIC means "Because I Can". |
I think I've finally figured out the REAL! night-time speed limit on East-Side Hwy. The posted speed limit is 55 and 65 mph. But tonight I avoided hitting another deer because I was going between 35 and 40 mph. So, in all reality for defensive driving purposes, the true speed limit is probably 35 mph at night; especially, when there is a full moon.  |
| Well, at this hour it is obvious to me that I am not going to get much more accomplished on-line or on WdC this weekend. It is Sunday and in a few hours I go to bed and in about 14 hours (from now) I go to work to start a 50+ hour work week. I will continue to pop in on WdC throughout the week just to record that I am active daily on my blog--journal--I like it that I have only missed 1 day in 42 for logging onto my blog. I have accomplished a review and I have received a review for this weekend. The majority of my time has been spent exploring my account and reviewing my activities, my stats, and trying out different ML codes. The majority of Saturday was spent off-line and cleaning up back up documents that contain a lot of my writing resources. Spring cleaning on the computer. lol |
| I discovered that I have a collection of c-notes--Yes, I am still exploring my own account since coming back lmao I also discovered a gifted image to place in my sig--In 2009 I had donated gift points to help others and in thanks for that charity I received this image. ** Image ID #1360707 Unavailable ** |
| Friday is here! Even though I only have a two-day weekend this time I have finished 1 of 3 of my review goals. So now, I have 2 reviews left to do; along with an addition to the 'Pass The Write Baton' interactive and adding to the--new in progress story--'The Tour'; and writing a finish to my last weeks campfire addition to complete this weekend's goals. |
| Well, I thought I'd post in my blog sooner. Apparently Not! lol I just finished reading and reviewing
I recommend reading Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  's essay as it is a helpful and an interesting read.I did something I've not done before with this review--I submitted it to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" . I deem this review to be, by far, one of my best, so why not place it in a community wide competition.I have tonight off due to lack of work at the plant (delayed component shipments due to the awful weather in the midwest have pretty much halted production. No components=No production=No work)--however, tonight will be made up on Sunday so this is actually the first day of my normal 3 day weekend this coming weekend. Later today I go to work--hopefully to do my production job and not warehouse cleaning or other busy work. The main good thing about going to work Sunday is the last day of my work week next week will be all OT. I'm looking forward to a slight boost to my take home pay on my 'rent is due' payday. lol |
| Will be going to bed soon after this post. I don't work tonight so I will make it a point to be on then... |
I was at work the same amount of hours but the night went by pretty quick. I like it when that happens  |
| Just wiped out around 150 old blog entries--the best ones I backed up on my computer to be placed in an archive later. I fell short on R/R/Rs and I didn't write in the interactive this weekend--but I did write over 2,000 words for two items this weekend. So all and all not a bad few days. |
| I went to bed very late--sometime around 1:30pm MT/3:30pm ET so of course, it follows that I got up late. I have been on the computer, but not on writing.com. Rather I have been surfing some of the Women's Literary Magazine sites shared yesterday on the community bulletin by Joy-Happy 25, WdC!  I also researched some rarely used vocabulary words, words that might be commonly spoken in a fantasy world--both elite jargon for the 'High falluten' and some gutter slang used by the common surf. words like 'barm' (bahrm): beer foam and 'dobbin' (DAH-bin): working farm horse or 'accubation' (AK-yoo-BAY-shin): the act or the practice of reclining on a couch, as practiced by the ancients at meals. (The pretty slave feeding grapes to the reclining Roman senator is accubation) The painted and feathered dratchell took young Perci's arm and, with what she meant as an alluring smile, tried to entice him into Doxy's; an infamous house near the Skaptinhausen docks. It was fun. added after 8:41am I wrote 870 words of a new story--The Tour--for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" work in progress--"March Genre of the Month Contest: Travel" |
| I've added a previous--albeit cleaned up today--scene in which Malyn shows her integrity, intelligence and sense of honor added to my journal "freewrites: prompts, scenes, or teasers" in "Malyn's Integrity--example of her true character" Yes, this is proof positive that Malyn wants to be heard again... |
| Thursday is done and my weekend begins. My goals include writing in my campfire--it is my turn--and I want to prepare another entry for the next time it is my turn. Therefore, I have 2 campfire sections to write by Monday morning. Then I plan to R/R/R at least three authors--two new stories/chapters by 2 authors I started reading last weekend and 1 author I haven't yet read/rated/reviewed. Third, I plan to add to 'Pass the Baton' interactive story and Lastly, I hope to create an all new story to place into my portfolio. This would take care of 1 of up to 3 new stories I want to have written by the end of March. And, if I once again find myself revisiting Malyn and her story--I will pursue that activity as well. Okay my weekly goals are set. March 7, 2014 at 10:16pm Update: I just finished my first campfire addition--turns out that it is a two part story |
| Wednesday night work was better than Tuesday night--anyway, I'm not totally exhausted. We ended up going home a half-hour early because we accomplished all the piddly tasks we were assigned to do. It is raining and around 40 degrees F. |
| It was a long night at work--rearranging the warehouse to be able to find packaging and components easier--shoveling snow from in front of the storage as it slid off the roof (that was an all night affair). So when I got home I soak in a very hot tub for about an hour and went to bed. I didn't prep my lunches or any of the other things I do the night before I have to go back to work. So now I'm up and getting ready for another atypical night at work. I've taken my 'Aleve' for the sore muscles in my back, I'm making my lunches, and I'm dressing a lot warmer then yesterday. |
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Ken
Happy St. Patrick's Day WdC