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A third journal of personal musings |
 My life always continues to change and it only stands to reason that with each change, there should be a journal dedicated to it. |
| NEOWISE comet: “Enjoy it while you can. The frozen ball of ice won’t return to the inner solar system for 6,800 years.” Talk about it! https://www.nytimes.com/article/neowise-comet.html One day I will have a telescope. I've always been curious about getting to see space from wherever you are. Now, the concept of being in space terrifies me—I much love how gravity works—but I've always loved that there was more to life than just us, just Earth. It's also why I feel that there has to be other life out there somewhere. The probability of it anyway. Now, I've been keeping a loose eye on this story just because I could see it without having a telescope and I live in the suburbs. Usually I can't see stuff because I never happen to live in the area where there is a good viewing spot or because I live in the suburbs and the sky is polluted by light. Things I didn't have to deal with so much when I lived in NY, though sometimes the viewing spot in NY was slightly better but would be best if you had a telescope. Of which I didn't ever have. SO, I am hoping that I'll be able to get a view of it and especially since I'll be on vacation then (so I can't use the fact that I am tired or was doing things because I was at work). Also, I'm going to try and make sure I don't forget about it. *makes note and also tells Mathew* |
| Describe your sense of humor. Is it dark, sarcastic, slapstick, silly, or something else? Do you have any favorite comedians? What always makes you laugh? I have a really weird sense of humor thanks to my parents, like I enjoy pervy humor, I also love punny humor (like if it's done cleverly), I like silly stuff (thanks to my mom) where okay, for example years ago my sister lived in the country and she had a mud puddle where a poor raccoon got stuck in it and drowned. She called me to tell me and I don't know why I found it funny, because it isn't funny at all (I'm an animal lover too and I will stop on the road to make sure I don't hit a squirrel  ), but it was like the imagery in my head just kept making me giggle and my sister got mad at me. So sometimes it's just how things are pictured in my brain and I just giggle. v  vThings that always make me laugh? Something that Matt always does, where he jokes about being smug/cocky, like tossing something in a weird way and catching it and it backfires. Always hilarious. Also randomness. Again with Mathew, he was sitting on the floor and he had a cup of water sitting above him on a cabinet. I don't even remember how it happened, but his cup of water literally somersaulted through the air. It was just incredibly random and it happened really fast and it just hit me I guess and I guffawed like an idiot for like five full minutes. So there you go. I'm a giant weirdo.  |
If you won a free trip to any foreign country, all expenses paid in your own private jet and had the time to go (and there were no travel restrictions due to a global pandemic  ), what is the first foreign country you would visit? Who would you bring with you? What would you spend your time doing?So, going on the fact that it might be the only chance I get to go to Europe, I'd love to go to France and well maybe Spain. For the sole purpose of my last name. Originally, it's French, although they left and went to England. From what my dad and grandfather figured out, our last name is Roncevaux in French, although there is also a Spanish village by the name of Roncevalles and a mountain pass through the Pyrenees called the Roncevaux Pass (Roncevalles Pass) (there was also a Battle of the Roncevaux Pass in 778 AD  ). I've just always been massively interested in the historical relevance of my surname and the path it would go on. I guess maybe I should include England? I'm probably breaking all of the rules by having three countries instead of one. But it's all Europe though, right? ...Right? Anyway, It's probably because my dad and, although I never got to meet him as he passed a couple of years before I was born, so was my grandfather. My dad was always incredibly interested in where we came from. They had a whole family tree esque thing done in the 1970s and both Matt and I got the 23 & Me and the Ancestry DNA thing done and it was incredibly accurate as far as our make up. Ancestry DNA was more enlightening that way though. So it continues to keep me intrigued and I'd love to see it. I'd have to find someone that knows Spanish more than I do. At my best I knew a handful of words and could count to 100. Then I was incredibly close (still am but we live in different states  ) with a Puerto Rican and a Mexican, which I learned a lot from them as so far as Spanish, but like anything else there is a big difference in lingo and such with Spain. I would be lost, but it would be really fun.Am I a boring nerd? Yeah, probably. I mean I'm getting a free all-expense paid trip to anywhere in the world on a free personal jet and instead of going somewhere fabulous, I want to go into rural Spain and into the Pyrenees, possibly France and possibly England. And probably none of the really fun and wonderful places that people would want to go see. I mean who goes to France and doesn't even go to Paris or at least the tropical getaway in southern France? Yeah, me.  P.S. I would bring Matt because he is a historical nerd and would probably enjoy this about as much as I would. |
| Write about your favorite summer activity. When I was a kid, it was going to the beach. Now, I lived 20 minutes from Lake Ontario, so there were tons of places to go. There was one beach that a lot of people went to, but it was a State park, therefore you had to pay to get in. Ended up finding an alternate beach that was free and was just down a bit from where the State park was. Used to go with some friends, but often went with my mom and younger sister. It was really fun for myself, though my sister, just like my mom, was terrified of the water. Often my sister would sit at the edge of the beach and play in the wet sand while the water hit her feet. So I was often left on my own to find things to do, which I did, since my imagination just never. shuts. up. There were lots of times where the water was "cleaning itself" as everyone used to say, and therefore seaweed would be in abundance and sometimes we'd swim even though just because it was like a 30-35 minute drive and we didn't want it to be for naught. That just meant mom picking seaweed out of our long hair for like hours. Now, we don't really do a whole lot. Sometimes though, under normal circumstances, we'd go downtown and walk the canal (Indianapolis at one point tried to turn the White River into a trading thing by turning it into a canal, but it wasn't deep enough. lol So, basically you can go canoeing/kayaking on it, they have some pedal boats, etc that you can use on it, but that's it), grab some food. Sometimes we would go see the local Indy Indians games or we tried to make the Indiana State Fair a thing, but neither of us really found it all that interesting. Sometimes we'd go play some mini golf. Haven't really found a favorite, but trying to find some things for us to do. I'd like for us to do more things and had some ideas planned, but this year will have to take some time off. Might go to some parks and walk around though, but will probably end up spending most of it writing or playing video games. Though I really do want to get some parks in, just so I can feel normal next to some trees and other greenery and shrubbery. |
| Before I begin, I just want to say that I will never not hate when we have what we call "E-blocks" at work, where it's a weekend of trying to get people to upgrade to our executive memberships. While I totally understand why we do it and I do think it's cool when people who didn't realize they could get more out of their membership and could actually pay for their membership entirely ($120/yr) and then some, but I am often used as a floater (someone who comes to the cashier and either does the spiel plus gives their prorated upgrade fee (membership is $60 and another $60 is the full year cost, but it prorates $5/mo less for each month they are into their membership)) and it just tires me out because I have to people way more than I normally do (or like ) We have to do it for 4 days in a row for 8 hours a day and it totally might've been why I couldn't even be bothered to try and work out a blog entry for yesterday. Goodness knows I thought about it multiple times last night. When did you first start blogging? (anywhere, not necessarily on WDC) Why? What did you blog about? (subjects, topics, personal news, etc.) Has your blogging style changed since you began? I started blogging when I was in high school, the early 2000s when it wasn't a blog, but a journal. A la Livejournal, Deadjournal, etc. I had a livejournal (which I only recently found out that it somehow still exists because I had to change my password for it and it goes all the way back to like 2004 when I was nineteen years old and after like a year or so I would try to "rant" about things.) which I started out with and then used all of the Livejournal ripoffs to skirt around my high school's firewall. Which I only did because of a friend of mine who would find all kinds of off shoots. There is part of me that is curious, but I am honestly glad they have been lost to time. I can only imagine how embarrassing it would be now to read. Oh boy. Anyway, most of what I blogged about would be me ranting off of things at the time. Whether it was things happening locally, in general, or stuff about in the news, or just generalized topics like homosexuality or the fact that my friend that I mentioned, who is gay, tried to donate blood in high school because he was 18 and found out he couldn't because he was gay and therefore must obviously have HIV/AIDS. I eventually went to an offline blog to start, then ended up uploading it (I think just in .txt format I think? Because my boyfriend wanted to read it. It's a weird thing to think of now I guess, but we were long distant at the time and it's often difficult for me to talk about things in person. I can write really well and the brain to hand connection is top notch, but when it comes to brain to mouth, that is a whole nother story. So, he wanted to know how I felt about things in general and know me. I did that for a little while and I think I stopped only because he went into college. So I continued to write for myself, I just didn't upload it any longer. I think I might've stopped after that. Other than here. This is my third journal on WDC and they usually stop because there was a long absence and just a different change in my life usually. These are sometimes personal or sometimes just generic like this one is. It kinda depends. Mine haven't really been that super popular, so I often do them more for myself than I do for anyone else. I feel like my style overall has changed, mostly just because I've matured a lot. I talk about things in general or certain topics, but I cover them (or try to) in a totally different manner. Maybe I'll go back to my "rants" but do them in a more sophisticated way.  |
| Imagine what the world would be like today if humans had never discovered/invented _________ (fill in the blank). What if we had never invented the Internet? Or maybe I guess I should reword it in a sense that might be a bit more realistic, what if the world wide web never came into existence? What if it stayed with the Department of Defense? Or what if it was only used for research or professionals? What if it was never made for the general consumption of what we know of the Internet today. It makes you wonder how different life would be. How our phone technology would be today. Our watch technology even. I mean, the only reason I have facebook (other than being in a CHONKY cat group of course) account is because I can stay in contact with family from NY, which would just be more difficult without it. My whole introverted life is so much easier since the Internet has come into my life, as-so-far as doing my bills, setting up doctors appointments (or cancelling them!), reapplying for based-on-income help for my student loans, MY WRITING, shopping!, health stuff for my cats, etc. I could probably go on for ever, but I'll stop. It does even more for a lot more people. Aside from there being a bunch of idiots and drama and false news/imagery/memes that people take for granted no matter how easy it is to create false stuff and say it's true. Or whatever the heck. Aside from all of that, there is a lot of good. A lot of information that has helped people in all kinds of ways. And not just information, but up-to-date information at that. You don't have to wait a day, a week, a month, a year for that kind of information. E-books! Now, I will always prefer my books, but e-books have grown on me. They're very convenient. I can rent books from the library straight to my kindle! I can read them at night, at work, wherever. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get a book somewhere and not worry about damaging it somehow. I can only imagine how easy it is for those who find it difficult to get to places or even those who have very limited vision since you can increase the font size in an e-reader. How would school have been for kids at the end of this last school year with Covid? Imagine trying to find a way to sign people up for unemployment/food stamps/financial services to anybody during Covid. Hell, I wouldn't be able to write this or any journal entry if we didn't have it. As I mentioned earlier, my writing. I wouldn't be halfway as good as I am now if I didn't have this site. I know I'm not nearly as active as I used to be. I haven't really had the time to fully dedicate to writing, but I'm only the way I am with my writing because of how it was with this place. Reviews I've received and friends that I've made have gotten me to look at things from different perspectives. So uh, thanks for that.  Be interesting to hear what other people think if we never had the Internet and how drastically their life would be different. |
| Go somewhere outside or where you can observe the happenings of the world beyond the walls of your home (looking out a window is fine). Spend at least five minutes watching and listening. What do you see, hear, and smell? Where does your mind wander when you sit quietly? It's always such a bizarre mix of seeing/hearing/smells in my apartment complex. I'm right next door to a strip mall that has a Kroger, a CSL (a plasma donating facility), a hair place, and a few other small shops. There's also a McDonalds, an Arbys, and a Donatos (a pizza place) in the same area. So we often see the headlights of those going through the drive-thrus and people exiting and coming into the strip mall. A lot of times though, it's pretty quiet. Like, we're maybe 1000ft from the road (a pretty decently busy road that can take you all the way to Indy, so usually during morning and afternoon rush hour it's pretty busy. BUT, I can go outside in front of my apartment and not really hear it at all. I can hear birds and the sounds of trees going through the leaves. You'll see some squirrels hopping about. The smell has been ozone and yet fresh dirt after a rain kinda smell, with the way the rainstorms have been the last few days. So this country girl can still have a relatively nice enjoyment outside of our apartment. |
| Write about the last time you did something nice for yourself. Man, it's been awhile. There's a few things I was going to toss up, like buying a new laptop or clothes, but I just really needed them and had been putting them off for so long that it was just necessary. I'd love a massage or do something to my hair, but with the Covid going around, I'm not going to for awhile. I mean, I guess treating myself to lunch? But I do that often enough, a couple of times a month, tho less than that now because of Covid, that I don't know if that qualifies? Man. I had to have done something nice for myself? I suppose I could mention that I bought myself plants. We have a bare spot out in front of our apartment. Bushes used to grow there, but I think thanks to dog's urinating on them, they died and were removed. Nothing has been planted and so I decided, last year, to plant some bulbs. They were probably garbage ones, because they never grew and when I bought plants this year, I couldn't even find them in the dirt. Anyway, I planted a peony bush and a white azalea bush. The peony bush I bought mostly because it was one of my mom's favorite bushes and something that just made me happy to think about. I also think they're beautiful in their delicateness. It's been fun for me to watch them grow and I look forward to planting them when Matt and I get our own place. I park in front of them when I get home from work or whatever and they make me happy when I look at them. So, a couple of months ago then, I did something nice for myself. |
| What historical events, besides your own birth, occurred on your birthday in the year you were born? Apparently, nothing happened on the 20th of September in the year of our lord 1985. Except for (hold onto your pants!):  Curtis Strong is convicted for selling cocaine to pro baseball players The capital gains tax is introduced to Australia. WDW's 200-millonth guest Money For Nothing by the Dire Straights was the number one song on my birthday. v  v |
| What do you do when you are out of inspiration or ideas? What I am doing right now actually, or trying to do. World building and character building. It's actually incredibly fun and relaxing for me to do. I'm working on a story that is my first foray into Fantasy. I'm absolutely terrified, mostly because I don't want to make it cliche or boring or typical (which I don't like in anything I write anyway) and plus I'm wanting to use different mythical elements in it, so I've been working that out as well. So, it's really a lot more effort than I've put into anything else I've written, in the sense that it's a lot of unknowns I want to make sure I get right and also correspond with the vision I have in my head. It's a story I've been floating around in my head for quite a few years, but I didn't know how to work it to make it interesting or an actual story. I now have a rough timeline in my head and a twist that I like, well a couple of them. Also using mythical stuff too, thanks to my bf. He's like an encyclopedia of things. I wish I had his brain ( ), because he can read things and always seemingly remember tiny details! So he's been great to bounce ideas off for this (and often for a lot of my work). When I get stressed my brain seemingly locks up and all creative juices just disappear. It's been like that x1000 right now and since March. Which was especially frustrating after it had just come back to me after all of the holiday mess. Doing the world building stuff has been really cathartic for me and I've been feeling accomplished. I've been working on the plot timeline and working out areas that have been shadowy for me. I've been playing around with characters, adding some, changing others around. I started an inspiration photo album which I don't know why I've never thought to before and that has been helping as-so-far as just being organized. I have my binder full of just inspirational research and it's ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. And it's driving me crazy. Professor Q  showed me a website called World Anvil, which was, probably, designed originally for those who play D&D, but it's also used for writers as well, with a giant organizational thing for world and character building and it's EXACTLY what I need to know what I have and what I don't. Something I'll be playing around a bit with that today, finally.Even under other circumstances, I like to work on this stuff even with whatever I am currently working on as a way for inspiration. Sometimes I'll just work with characters or maybe even locations I've put in my story. It gives me insight that I might not have thought of before, a chance to work "outside the box". Something I would usually only get from talking with someone about it and getting ideas from them. |
| Is there such a thing as “unbiased reporting?” (Consider not just journalism, but storytelling - is it possible to tell a story without bias?) Hmm, so I'm going to focus on storytelling, just because I feel like that's a very interesting avenue to take and think about (and because I feel like when it comes to journalism, the answer is yes, but it depends on where and most of the time what we consume as news is really just opinion pieces half the time, at least when it comes to mostly anything on TV). I would have to say that yes, I do feel so, but I think it often depends because sometimes the story is based on bias. I'll use Stephen King as an example only because it was when I was older that I realized as a person, when it came to politics, that he was left leaning, which had surprised me. As someone who is from a small town (incredibly small town), I was enamored with how he wrote about them and the people who inhabit them, because it felt so real. Like, the real kind of small town, not the rosy tinted glasses view that a lot of people like to think it is (and often how small towns want to be portrayed!). I enjoyed the drama, the white-trashy glaze, the dirty and grimy film that he used, but in a good way? (Maybe this is answering a question in a way I wasn't expecting!) It felt like a realistic portrayal to me, without feeling like he was shitting on them. There was covering the very overly patriotic people, the "I hate government" folks, living in trailer parks, then there's the older folks, the "we know everybody" folks, those who talk in a heavy accent (I've always kinda felt the more country you are, regardless of where you are from, have more of an area-based accent than those who live in city/suburban areas), etc. And why I say that it is possible for him to create that place and the people in it in a nearly non-bias way, there will be ways in which things are said or done in a way that might use that bias to construe whatever. I'm sure there are probably much better examples. I wish I could think of more off of the top of my head. Most, obviously, bias in storytelling to set the atmosphere for whatever they're trying to portray or to set the plot. So I don't mind it, for the most part. There are times when it's put on a little thick and whether I am pro or anti-bias, it's not what I want. So ones with a lack of bias or similar is something that I'd like, obviously if done well. Sometimes, I could imagine, might come up a little dry otherwise. Come across as an essay or book report. Now I am going to be thinking of some stories with lack of bias. Maybe I'll come back to this and add or just create another entry and finish talking about it. |
| Tell us about someone you find inspirational. My mother. It's been seven years since I've seen her beautiful face or heard her voice, but she's always been someone that I've always been inspired by. She went through a lot of stuff in her life and never once did she let us know it. Never did she allow bills to lapse or have us wonder if there would ever be food on the table. We didn't have a lot of money, for the most part, growing up, but she always made sure that our birthdays were special in small ways or that we had things for Christmas (Easter, Valentine's day, etc). We always felt loved. One of my favorite memories of her was shortly after we lost our house and we were staying with friends for a bit until we found an apartment to move into. I was going to turn 9 and my parents had basically no money whatsoever. My mom hadn't found a job yet and my dad had a job working with the husband of the couple we were staying with. Anyway, my mom had played a lotto game and she won $68 and she could've used it for any number of things for herself, instead she used it for my birthday. It's one of those memories that if I think on it long enough it still brings tears to my eyes. She was one of the strongest people I've ever known and I strive to be like her in that way. She had an iron core that surrounded the softest heart. |
| What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation? Absolutely nothing. Oh but Bernie, you could talk about yourself? Oh? Really? Very presumptuous of you to think I'd even remember what my name is or when my birthday is when I'm standing in front of a room in front of people. I was an absolute mess when I was in school. Especially in high school. College helped make me a bit better, because, since I majored in graphic design, I had to stand in front of my class and explain why I did what I did with my work and have people comment on it and ask me questions. BUT I realized within the first year of being at my current job, applying for a position I knew I wouldn't get but did it because it would give me experience with their interview process and to kinda show that I gave a shit, even though I'd been there like six months or so, and I even studied and went into that interview prepared. I still went brain dead and I felt like garbage the whole rest of the day because of it. |
| Describe a missed opportunity you encountered, and how things might have been different if you hadn't missed it. I'll go with the thing that immediately flashed into my mind when I read this prompt and it's an oldie, circa 2007. I graduated college with a BFA in graphic design (a focus on web design). I had debated on whether or not I wanted to get a masters degree and I decided against it because I was completely and utterly burned out. Fast forward to the year of our lord 2020 and I'm working at Costco and not using my degree, at all. I tried a few times and neither time did it work out. Granted, I lived in a very rural part of NY and when I graduated in 2007, we had hit a big recession and suddenly you needed all of the years of experience. Plus, I had learned just design. I hadn't learned code (another opportunity I didn't realized I'd missed until a few years later). When I tried looking for jobs I needed to know both. A lot of companies were downsizing and they wanted people to do more. Plus, looking at it from now, it makes a lot of sense for that in general. Especially with the way the Internet is now. I kind of regret it now. The Internet was really new and to be fair, was a lot easier then. Now, it's so much different and a lot more complex. I'd have to start pretty much all over if I wanted to do it now. I still do, but it's incredibly hard right now for me to fit it in. I still want to keep it on the back burner, but I will always think of that decision I could've made in 2007. I mean, it would've also been a lot more money I would've had to take out. More money to owe that I don't know if I will ever actually pay off, but it might've given me an actual avenue to having a job in something I wanted to do. Also I would like to add that Costco isn't an awful place to work. I get paid pretty decent with a really good insurance plan. It's just...well, it's still just retail, doing something anyone could do. But I like to think (and it's entirely possible that I could've done my masters degree and gotten nowhere also) that I'd be at least decently successful in a web design job. Though I won't lie thinking these last couple of months that I'm lucky I do work for Costco and that I have my job right now. I mean, I could technically be in quarantine, working from home, but I could also have lost my job because of what's going on right now too. So who knows? All I know is it's always something that festers in the back of my mind and comes bubbling to the front whenever I'm feeling down. |
| We all know the mood-ring fad of the 70’s only predicted body temperature and not necessarily mood, but what if people could actually see your emotions, like an aura of color surrounding you. Would you try to mask it, display it proudly, or something in between? Well, I'd probably say in real life that I'm a something in between. I have RBF, which just makes people presume that I'm upset, so I try to offset it by being smiley and shit a lot. Which is okay, but man do I just want to just have my face. Which is probably the one plus about having to wear masks at work. I don't have to smile and no one asks if I'm okay or if something happened or am I upset. Saying that, sometimes my face reacts when I deal with idiots. Like it just kinda happens before I can adjust and keep face. A lot of times also, I just let people think my RBF means something other than it being my face. So, yknow, whatever. hahaha If I had the actual abilities though, I'd probably try to mask it. I like keeping my feelings close to the chest, which I mostly have control over in general. Except when I get upset or really annoyed, which is when my facial reactions with idiots usually happens. I am very much like my mother, who by the way, one of the sweetest and most caring women ever, but other than being loving and sweet, she didn't really show off how she felt if something bothered her. We were incredibly close and could talk about things, but even then, she kept a lot of things from me and I can't really blame her, considering. If she had half the anxiety I feel most of the time, I really don't blame her. But like I said, I'm like her and it's hard for me to be emotional in general or talk about things that give me my anxiety. Mostly I feel like people wouldn't care if I tried to talk about it, but that's a whole nother blog entry for another day. I wish I wanted to display it proudly, just because I wish I was more like my dad who did NOT give a single fuck, but I'm not and it would bother me too much that people knew how I felt. Instead, just giving me a magical emotional shield or just the ability to create facial masks of someone who doesn't have RBF when their face is at ease and there ya go. So if anyone has one of those, my birthday is in September! |
| Write a letter to your parents from before your birth. Give them advice about how to raise you and give them a heads up about anything they might struggle with when you come into their lives. Dear Mom & Dad, This is going to be a little weird, considering I'm not born yet and I know how excited you are that I'm coming. Two years of trying, finding out the cause, and being successful at creating...me. You're going to be lucky, because I'm a pretty easy going kid. You'll get spoiled with me when number two comes along in a few years. Therefore, my letter to you will be pretty easy as well. Mom, you'll understand me on a level that most won't, because we will share that shyness and that awkwardness. That will come later of course. As a little kid, I'll be a bit more outgoing. Let me reach for the stars with my imagination. It will be exploding. Even as a little kid, I will like to create stories. Picture ones at first. Dad, I hope you won't mind I'll be using a lot of your notepads, the ones without the lines for these stories. I'll probably annoy you to death with the stories, each one being wildly different than the last one, even though it's the same pictures. Dad, answer all my questions. I'll be curious and want to know things. I'll be up your butt for the first decade of my life, almost. Be patient with me. I know sometimes it isn't one of your strengths, but I won't be a bother, I promise! There's going to be a really tough stretch for you guys and I wish I could say life gets better for you even after. I wish I could tell you to get out of the arcade business earlier than you did and to stay away from certain people. Do the trailer park idea. I wish that was possible for me to do, because your life would be (I'd hope at least) a lot less depressing for you. The way life goes anyway, is you will lose everything. Including the house you helped blossom, your dream home. Dad will go into a severe depression, taking the blame for everything and questioning himself for probably the rest of his life. Mom, you will have two jobs, one more stressful than the other and both pay pretty poorly, but you'll still make sure the bills are paid and we will have Christmases. We won't have extras, but we will never go without and we will be happy. We will live in a shitty apartment for eight years before getting our own home. It isn't exactly what we want and there will be problems with it, but it will be ours. There's a lot of other things. Your youngest will give you problems and push you both to your emotional and mental limits. I tell you these things not because I will be difficult, but because you both will feel guilt and depression over those things and I want to tell you that I will be fine. Maybe put a little extra attention on the younger one, she will need it more than I will. I will learn a lot of things from it. I will miss our house. I'll wish for things I know I will never get and be jealous of people who have more than we do. But that's natural, right? And even though I'll have those feelings, I will never hold them against you. You guys will create a dingus daughter who will have struggles and challenges of her own that are mostly out of her control, but she will be strong and smart thanks to you. Oh and before I forget, books. Just buy me a lot of books. Start early. I have an addiction that gets out of control.  I love you guys. I know I'm not here yet and it will be quite awhile before I will be able to really appreciate everything, but thank you for everything you give me. Not just materialistically, but well you know, the life lessons. Thanks for those. And the stories and memories. I'll cherish them more than you could probably ever imagine. Always, your future daughter that you will name Ashley Nicole P.S. Mom, I hope you know that with that name I'll be the eighth Ashley in the nursery, so...yknow...if you want to maybe change it to something else I wouldn't entirely object. |
| Prompt: Do you like being alone or do you like being around people? Mostly alone, but I do like being around people I enjoy. I will have a good time, but it drains me. I am such a hermit and it doesn't help that Mathew is one as well, so unless it's us going out together, we often stay in. There are times where I'll go and visit a friend or obviously when I go back to NY and I visit and see family. Family I will exclude from this, I mean they are people, but it's different and I can't even explain to you how it is. Maybe in the same way I am with Mathew. Not that it isn't nice when I'm off during the week and he's off at work and I get the place to myself. Maybe because I have that, it balances it out? I don't know. I don't see my family a whole lot, pretty much the same when I lived in NY. Most of my family lived a couple of hours away, so usually holidays and birthdays caused us to get together. Anyway, I've always been a hermit with a small circle of friends, most of which didn't connect or circle around to the same people. How I was in high school too. I never belonged to a specific group or clique of people. I always wished to have a best friend. I've had some close friends, some that I've shared things with, but never someone I could share everything with. My mom was probably the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had. We were so similar in personality that I never had to explain myself or my reasonings because she understood. We're both incredibly shy, awkward, and hate being around people with those small few exceptions and family of course. My dad was the complete and utter opposite. He talked to people he didn't know, in the store, for hours. Thankfully, when I turned twelve, I got to stay home when he went out to shop. My younger sister loved it and went with him. So at an early age, I got to experience being alone and I was always pretty mature for my age, so my parents let me be home. I knew how to feed myself (sandwiches and grilled cheese! or leftovers always) and I wasn't an idiot with the phone or letting people in. For me, it was and continues to be peaceful. Sometimes people can overwhelm me and it doesn't help that I have to "people" for my job and that's 40 hours a week. I get tired just from dealing with people and even more recently with the whole Covid-19 and people losing their minds. So it's even more precious to me now, when I'm home and have the ability to unwind and relax. And it's conflicting for me too because when I enjoy hanging out with people, I love being out and with them and always wonder why I am the way I am. And yet every time someone wants to, my brain tries to find ways to wiggle out of it or make excuses. Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes it's not at first, but when the day comes. It's incredibly frustrating sometimes and often annoying. Some days I wish I had no friends and other days I wish I had more. My brain is often an idiot. |
| Prompt: “Real beauty is in the fragility of your petals. A rose that never wilts isn’t a rose at all.” Crystal Woods About roses or people, do you agree? Yes. 100% I think there is a lot of dedication for people to look or be a certain way. There is a societal being that says so. No one wants to deal with being real in any sort of context. Even now, in the year of our lord 2020 (Even though I do this in a sarcastic manner, 2020 is making me feel like this is in incredibly poor taste), there is still a struggle to deal with both physical and mental realities. Both women and men feel like there are standards you have to live up to. I'm still learning to lean away from them. When I was in high school I flipped both birds to societal perfections because I knew I didn't come up to muster on them. I've never been a dainty female mentally or physically and for a long time I resented myself for it. I can't even sneeze like what a female is supposed to sneeze like. I was terrified of being myself and thinking no guy in their right mind would find me attractive. I've been with my guy for sixteen and a half years and he loves me for exactly who and what I am. I wake up with my messed up sea witch looking hair and frumpy way and he tells me to my face that I'm beautiful and my hair is cute. With a straight face. Mental health, I think especially now even though we've made strides, we're still so far away from what even constitutes as a healthy mental health system in our country. And even if hell froze over and we had a 100% perfect system tomorrow when we all woke up, how many people would use it? Especially men? For as finicky and difficult as it is for women to understand that we aren't just emotionally weak and have actual problems and that we need to figure out what they are, men just suppress them so deeply as to think they can't even show emotion during a movie or at an event in their life because that's just not how it is. There is such a structural disbelief in mental health that most people chalk up to being weak or stupid or an excuse for something, that no one wants to take any of it seriously. I feel like that's the same way as how we approach the physical aspects of ourselves or how some see others. I am 100% towards doing things because they make you happy. Sometimes they aren't what I think look good on someone and I catch myself and tell myself that they aren't doing it for me or anyone else and that if they're happy and confident with it, then that's what matters. And it is. I hate seeing people judged because they don't fall within a narrow view of what's acceptable of what beauty is. People lose their shit over a man wearing a bun. Well, I have long hair and it drives me crazy. Could I have totally short hair and save myself the misery? Yes, but I don't want to. So if a guy didn't want to deal with his hair or it's hot out and he wants to toss it up, who cares? We have to come to a point as a society where we care about the people and choose the people over anything else. Where the mental stability of us as a whole is important. We can't realistically move forward if we can't a) believe in the science that proves that there are things that can't just be swept under the rug or tossed into a folder of "just being emotional" or "needs to be stoic above all else" and b) believe that coming to terms with those things and finding a way to deal with or eradicate those issues. Mostly importantly, if we aren't being real that we aren't. We can't live our lives the way we should or that we could by not admitting to ourselves who and what we are. And being accepting of what we find. I say that not just with ourselves, but also in others as well. That whole "Judge not, lest ye be judged." is something I carry with me and I think everyone should follow the same. |
| I've recently gotten to thinking of how long I've been at this site. Officially, it will be TWENTY years come the end of August. TWENTY. How did I get old enough to say I've been somewhere on the Internet for TWENTY years? Yet, here we are. Though, if we want to get technical I've been with this site longer than this site was technically around. Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well, let me see if I can explain. So, originally, this site was called Stories.Com. I found this site just by googling stories or writing into the search box. It was part of like a cluster of sites. Not necessarily like a web ring, but if you went to the "mother site" it would list Stories.Com, along with some others. (I feel like maybe my age is showing here) Anyway, Stories.Com was originally just interactive stories. You didn't have to have an account, so you didn't really have a way to "own" anything, except just knowing that it was yours. I had a story on there that was one of the most popular stories. It was about a haunted house and that's really all I remember about it now. I don't know why I didn't transfer it over. I wish I had kept it, even if it was just for posterity's sake. I was there probably close to two years before SM and SMs took it over and made it into what it is now. I've always considered it my home. A lot of those for whom I've considered family aren't very active on here anymore or have stopped visiting altogether (some of these people though I've stayed connected with on social media, so I can still say hi to them whenever I'd like. ), but I still feel happy here. I decided to use my stepping away from social media as an excuse to just be more active here and another excuse to get back into writing, no matter how little I am able to do so. All so I can take a break from what's going on outside. I don't like to throw around descriptor words on who I am or what I am, so saying that I am an empath feels bizarre to me, but I am incredibly empathetic. Almost to a point where it's very overwhelming. It has been building to a point where I just...can't take it anymore. So I'm taking a break from everything. I can't get anxious and overwhelmed to the point of tears if I don't know what stupid people are saying, now can I?I've had to cut back on reading Covid-19 articles, because my anxiety has flown up through the roof. It's been the same with the BLM and George Floyd stuff going on now, only with social media and seeing people say the most ignorant things. I know that I am empathetic to basically a fault, but to see people who have none at all just hurts my soul. Especially when it's just human beings wanting to be treated like human beings and somehow white people have to make it all about them. Or just wanting to care enough to not be considered racist. So, here I am. In my happy place, where I can focus on my mental health and writing for awhile.  |
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