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 |   Tales from real life |
| Well, if they're not true, they oughta be! |
This is a bit late for Father's Day, or maybe it's early for next year. At any rate, here are some Dadisms I heard in my childhood, sixty years ago. I hope they give you a chuckle. And if they don't tickle your funny bone, you can just say, "That's funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha. Sarcasm and insults were just part of the game at our house. Anyone, everyone, or no one in particular might serve as the butt of the joke. It might not have been the best example for interpersonal relationships, but it was always entertaining. And most of the time, these comments were merely about delivering a funny line rather than real criticism.  Ridiculous threats were good for a laugh: "I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass, and then I'll stomp it dry!" "I'll tear you arm off and beat you with the bloody stump!" "If I want any shit out of you I'll unscrew your head and dip it out with a spoon!" "I'll kick your butt til it barks like a fox, and then I'll kick it for barking!" A person's intelligence (or lack thereof) was also a common target: "If he was half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he really is." "She'd have to double her IQ just to be a half-wit." "He talks a lot, but he doesn't say much." "She couldn't find her ass with both hands." "He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he was standing inside!" "Are you wise? . . . Or otherwise?" "If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your own nose!" "If brains were gasoline, he couldn't power a piss-ant's motorcycle around the inside of a cheerio." "She's as sharp as a marble." "When they passed out brains, he thought they said pains and hid behind the door." And of course, appearances had to be noted because: "Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone." "His face reminds me of the south end of a northbound mule." "When they passed out noses, he thought they said roses and said 'A large red one please'." "She's a real cowgirl, but a little more cow than girl. "If my dog had a face like that, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards." When we got pouty, Dad might say: "You don't have to go away mad, just go away." "She'll get over it in a little while or else she'll be mad for a long time." "Be careful, you might trip on that lip." "I feel for you, but I can't quite reach you." There were also lines for the less than welcome guest: "Do you have to go already? Come back again when you can't stay so long." "Sure, I can help you out, just let me get your coat." "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." For an awkward stumble or dropping a plate, Dad might say: "As graceful as a ruptured duck." "Just throw it away if you don't want it!" Dad would sometimes get a chuckle out of asking us "Are you good & kind? . . . Good for nothing and kind of dumb?" If we asked him to wait for us, he'd reply: "Weight is what broke the camel's back." If we asked him where we could sit, he'd say: "Just sit on your thumb and let your feet hang over." If Dad was unimpressed with our jokes, he'd say: "That's funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha. |
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