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| Narrator: The scene changes and we find ourselves in the company of Scrooge's nephew Fred. Bill (A rat!) playing Scrooge: That's not me nephew innit. That's me cousin. Hiya Fresh, I'd recognise them stripes anywhere so I would and all and everythin'. GUINEA PIG OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT (Ralph): Fresh? Bill: Yeah well his real name is Prince Bellaire Minty, but we in the family call him Fresh Minty, on account of his stripes. You know, like toothpaste. Ralph: Ah! Right. Bill: 'Ere who's that with him? Voice off (Toby): That's Ana de Armas Bill, she's playing Fred's wife, and your niece. Bill: Cor! She's famous she is you know, she's been in all sorts of things. 'Ere? Miss de Armas, can I have your autograph? Voice off (Graham): Can we leave this till later please Bill. You and Ralph are supposed to be invisible to them, not asking for autographs. Scrooge's Niece: As tight as... As tight as... Oh! I know, as tight as Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge. Bill: That's a lie an all and so it is too. I was only the littlest bit tipsy. And if I hadn't been breathalysed no one would have been any the wiser. Ralph (Unable to contain his curiosity): Why were you breathalysed? Bill: 'Cause I'd run over a policeman's foot hadn't I. Ralph: I bet he was angry. Bill: Angry? I should say so. He was hopping mad. |
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| I always enjoy a surprise ending. Yet, somehow I get this feeling in my gut (not that feeling) this is far from the end. |
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| GUINEA PIG OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT (Ralph): Come in. Come in and know me better rat. Voice off (Toby): It's better man Ralph. Ralph: But Bill's a rat Toby. Voice off (Graham): Yes, but he's playing Scrooge, who is a man, and... oh never mind. Carry on. Bill (A rat!) playing Scrooge: Eya! What have you done to my room. Ralph (Rather proudly): I've decorated it for Christmas. Bill (Looking round and sniffing): Is that what you call it, decoratin' It's a bloomin liberty so it is and all and everything so it is. Voice off (Toby): Don't get carried away with the accent Bill. Bill (Stage whisper): Righty oh. Bill (Full volume to Ralph): Anyway, get on with it will you. I've got to be up early tomorrow and all this supernatural stuff is playing merry 'ell with my beauty sleep. Ralph (Somewhat taken aback): Err. Okay. Touch my robe. Bill (Examining robe closely): This could do with a wash. Narrator: The scene changes and Scrooge finds himself in Bob Scratchitt's house. Bill: Coo! What a dump. Ralph: Yes well, perhaps if you paid him a bit more than minimum wages he could afford somewhere better. Bill (Conversationally): Just being here is makin' me itch so it is and all. No wonder he's named Scratchitt. Ralph: His name is Cratchit! Bill: Is it? Cor. I've bin callin' 'im Scratchitt. Why didn't he ever correct me. Now I feel a proper Charlie and all of that. What's that on the table? Ralph: That's their Christmas dinner from Wolberts the Poulterers. Bill: Bit small innit? Ralph: That's shrinkflation for you. Bill: What's that then? Ralph: Smaller size, same price or more expensive. Bill: That sounds profitable! I'll have to remember that. Voice off (Toby): Is it my bit yet? Ralph: Nearly. Look. Here's Bob now, and he's juggling Toby Tim. [Enter Bob on unicycle - in keeping with the story he wears a battered topper, which gets knocked off as he comes through the door] Adhere (Bob Scratchitt): Look Toby Tim: Your mother's left the turkey out for the audience to see. Toby (Tim): Bob Gweep us, every one. |
| It begins... This is without doubt the busiest time of the year shopwise. I've been on the go all day and just topped it off by baking for 4 hours, giving us a boost for the week ahead. Did the same last Friday, and we'd still sold out by 11am and had to cook more. Time on the Newsfeed may be limited, but I'll no doubt make time somehow. I have at least two more ghosts to get through, and Toby Tim of course. |
| GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Does anyone know why there is a dragon occupying more than half the stage? He looks a bit familiar? GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): That's Massive Friendly Derg  He interviewed us once remember? GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): He was obsessed with Gregory. Gweep! Ralph: Oh yes, I remember. But why is he here now? Massive Friendly Derg : Hello down there little guinea pigs. How are you keeping? Gregory sent me. Toby: Apparently Gregory sent him. Says that Massive Friendly Derg is his biggest fan, and could we please find a part for him? Ralph: He's so big I should think we could find him several parts. Graham: We haven't cast Scrooge's nephew yet. Toby: And it would keep old Gregory happy. Ralph: Isn't Gregory playing one of the charitable business men? Toby: That's right. Ralph: Couldn't we make Massive Friendly Derg another charitable gentleman? Graham: He'd look good in a topper. Toby: Wouldn't work. Graham and Ralph: Why not? Toby: Think about it. Scrooge is a small rat. Massive Friendly Derg is a huge Derg, (that's cutesy for dragon - I looked it up on toodlepip.com) Just imagine it: Charitable Dragon gentleman: Oh Mr. Scrooge would you like to make a donation? Scrooge: No I don't think so, I already support Man United, errm, I mean the poor houses and the workhouses. There's a red one and a yellow one, and a green one and a purpl... Ralph: What on earth are you on about Toby? Toby: Sorry, I got distracted. Anyway, Scrooge says no, so the charitable dragon gentleman stomps him with his tail. Ralph: Mr. Dickens would have something to say about that. Graham: Gweep. Toby: Probably not Gweep no. Ralph: I think it would work. I'll just call wardrobe and see if they can run up a dragon sized Victorian business suit. |
| The first rule of the Anarchy Club is... Hey, wait just a gosh darned minute here. |
Waltz Invictus  - That's what THEY want you to think. We learned that on the first day as members of The Paranoia Society. |
| I recently joined the Introvert's Club, we all meet on different days of the month. |
| I plan on joining the procrastinators club, but i just haven't gotten around to it. |
| SCROOGE (Bill Minty): Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me? GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST (The Ghost of Mr. Charles Dickens): I am. SCROOGE: Who, and what are you? GOCP: I am the Ghost of Christmas, hang on, why am I talking to a rat? [Voice off (Graham)]: We've covered that one Mr. Dickens, carry on please. SCROOGE: Long past? GOCP: No. Your past. NARRATOR: The Ghost of Christmas Past takes Scrooge by the paw, GOCP: (Stage whisper): He doesn't bite does he? [Voice off (Graham)]: No, Bill's a professional Mr. Dickens. GOCP: (Stage whisper): That's no guarantee of anything! NARRATOR (With a hint of can we please get on with it): And they arrive in a kitchen, Scrooge's Mum's kitchen to be precise. On the table is a large turkey. [Sound effects of a pack of dogs barking, (very realistic)] NARRATOR: Suddenly a pack of dogs forces its was into the kitchen. In a moment the turkey is seized and dragged away. The scene fades. GOCP:And here we are in your local Chop Suey Palace Co. where the waiters are singing 'Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly.' The Ghost of Charles Dickens: Errm! I don't remember writing that. [Voice off (Toby)]: It's just a little tweaking for a modern audience Mr. Dickens. NARRATOR (With MORE than a hint of please can we just get on with it!): And so they moved on to a school yard, where a young Scrooge (Played by Emma Stone for reasons we can't quite fathom), is Double Dog Daring a Young Jacob Marley, (Played by John Boyega), to lick a metal pole with inevitable consequences. The Ghost of Charles Dickens: Who the me wrote this drivel? Voice Off (Toby): That would be Angus, Mr. Brosnigag, Mr. Dickens. The Ghost of Charles Dickens (reading ahead): Why is Scrooge going to see Father Christmas to ask for a Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock! GOCP (to SCROOGE): You'll shoot your eye out kid. |
| The Ghost of Bob Marley: Scrooge. Scroo... Hey Mon, why am I talking to a rat? [Voice off (RALPH)]: That's Bill, Murray's brother.  The Ghost of Bob Marley: Bill Murray's brother? [Voice off (TOBY)]: No Bob, It's Bill Minty, Murray Minty's brother. Murray is our agent. The Ghost of Bob Marley: That's as clear as mud Toby. [Voice off (Graham)]: Never mind Bob, please carry on.... and cue sound effects... The Ghost of Bob Marley: What's all that about? [Voice off (RALPH)]: It's Chain Gang. The Ghost of Bob Marley: I know that, but what is it all about? [Voice off (TOBY)]: Hang on, let's try this one. The Ghost of Bob Marley: Oh! I get it - It's the chains I'm draggin' [Voice off (Graham)]: Gweep! Got it. Write-Write (A Muse): Adhere-San what did I tell you about this? Adhere: Erm. We can discuss this later Write-Write, I am writing now... Bill, Murray's Brother (A rat): Who are you? The Ghost of Bob Marley: In life I was Bob Mon. Bill, Murray's Brother (A rat): Hello Sweetie! The Ghost of Bob Marley: Not bon-bon! Cloth ears! |
| Do YOU have what it takes to join the CCOG? What is the CCOG? - The Covert Christmas Operations Group! What DOES it take to join CCOG? - You are the dedicated sort of WDC'er who will definitely be around and in Writing Dot Com on the 24th and 25th of December. What is the point of CCOG? - Distributing Merit Badges - for which I will be paying 15K for EACH one you deliver on my behalf. That's 10K for the badge and 5K for you - up front! INTERESTED? - Please email me privately. Thank you. |
| With the holiday season almost upon us, you'll be looking for ideas for gifts for those people that you can't stand, but nevertheless feel obligated to buy for. We here at WISEMANS have got your back. Send them a clear message of Christmas Cheer and naked hatred with: WISEMANS CHRISTMAS OOZE Our new and degraded Christmas Ooze tastes even worse than it sounds, now with added holly! Available in a variety of sizes, all WISEMANS Christmas Ooze comes in a festive packaging that is sure to disquiet the recipient. [[Embed over limit (10).]] |
I like to purchase it by the case. Save and use for Birthdays and other holidays  |
| I was thinking about the Christmas gathering we have with my wife's side of the family each year. They enjoy her macaroni salad and always ask us to bring some. In humor I suggested we make it with a variation, penis shaped pasta instead of shells. Since some are pretty hard-core in their religious piety, I thought it would be pretty funny and likely get me banned from any future get-together. Now, however, I feel a need to add a generous helping of Christmas Ooze to the salad as well... [[Embed over limit (10).]] |
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| Not that I'm hungry or anything, although I've yet to eat breakfast (or lunch) but I wonder if hedgehogs produce bush bacon? [[Embed over limit (10).]] |
| tj-Merry Mischief Maker - Rumour has it that they used to be covered in clay then baked, and when the clay was removed, so were the spines. |
For those of you who wonder what the huge fireplace and socks is for, well here is where you might find out:
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Princess Megan Snow Rose  - Thank you. This is the Adherennium standard MB Giveaway nomination received message, acknowledging your nominations have been received, and that you and they have been added to those who will receive Free Merit Badges on or around 25th December. |
Angelica Weatherby-Star on top  - Thank you. This is the Adherennium standard MB Giveaway nomination received message, acknowledging your nominations have been received, and that you and they have been added to those who will receive Free Merit Badges on or around 25th December. Merry Christmas. |
Ugly Christmas Sox  - Thank you. This is the Adherennium standard MB Giveaway nomination received message, acknowledging your nominations have been received, and that you and they have been added to those who will receive Free Merit Badges on or around 25th December. |
Weren't expecting that were you? |
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