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| GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): Do we know who's playing Scrooge? GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Yes actually, it's Murray's brother Bill. Ralph: Bill Murray? Toby: No, Bill Minty. It's his big break apparently. Ralph: Has he got any previous acting experience? GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): No, but then, he is a rat. Toby: Typecast then. Ralph: Sounds perfect for the role. What about Bob Cratchit? Toby: You're going to love this. Murray promised us a big name star. Graham: Riiight? Toby: It's only Will Smith. Ralph: The Will Smith? Toby: Yes, the actually Hollywood actor, Will Smith. Ralph: Slap me! Graham: Gweep! I mean. I'd be careful not to repeat that during rehearsals old chap. Toby: Why are they called 're-hearse-als' anyway? Ralph: I think it's probably because people are dying to see what we get up to whilst we practice the play. Graham: Sounds vaguely plausible. Do we have a script yet? Toby: Not exactly, apparently Angus keep rewriting it over and over. We do have some of it though. Ralph: Let's see. [Reading] Scrooge: What does Tiny Tim want for Christmas Bob? Bob Cratchit: He's expressed great interest in the Red Ryder Carbine-action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle Sir. Scrooge: He'll shoot his eye out! Bob Cratchit: That's just what I said Mr. Scrooge. Toby: Hmm. Ralph: Hmmm. Graham: Hmmmmmm. |
| They told me I should be on the stage. I hear there's one leaving in ten minutes. |
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| Gweep!Gweep! |
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"  All I want for Christmas is my two front Gweep..." |
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In view of a very and dare I say deeply hurtful comment made about my never finishing any of the stories I begin, I felt I should share this simple graph that FULLY explains my approach.  That is all. |
| I do feel that I should make clear the one person I can be sure of poking fun at and not upsetting is myself. This is such an occasion. I rarely pass up an opportunity to be silly - oh - or a drama queen! |
| You see, maybe, or maybe you don't see, but for me it's the same only different. I won't bother graphing it since my graph would be exactly the same only different. What am I trying to say? Um, I think I was going to explain that I don't have any problems finishing a story because my problem is starting them. However, if by chance I do manage to start one, I may need to refer back to this graph... |
| Madam Arcati fell into a light trance. Fortunately it didn't hurt a bit. "Have we started yet?" Asked Murray Minty in what he may have assumed was a stage whisper, but was in fact a mere decibel short of a shout. "Shh." Said Mr. Stringbeans, (Madam Arcati's friend and companion) in a considerably quieter shush, "She hasn't got dial tone yet." Madam Arcati opened one eye and rolled it at Mr. Stringbeans. Closing it she asked, "Are you there Miss Marbles?" "That's her spirit guide." Mr. S. supplied helpfully. Behind her closed eyelids Madam Arcati rolled both eyeballs, but with iron control, very, very expensive iron control, she continued. "Miss Marbles, are you there?" "Yes, yes, I'm here don't fret." She added in what she imagined was a completely different voice but in fact sounded an awful lot like Madam Arcati impersonating Whoopi Goldberg. "Oh, bless you dear, I'm so glad I can rely on you. I've got a nice rat here who wants to talk to someone beyond the veil." "A Rat?" "He's a respectable agent for some famous guinea pigs." "..." "Miss Marbles?" "Yes, I'm still here, who is it the ratty gentleman wants to talk to?" "He wants to talk to me." A deep rich and decidedly none Arcati voice announced. "Name's Jules-Verne Garrick, on account of my Mother having a thing for 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea." "Pleased to meet you, I'm Murray Minty." "Too good to hurry..." "There's no need to be rude." "Sorry. You see things differently when you're dead." And Garrick gave a deep spectral laugh. "What can I do for you Mr. Minty?" "I'd like to hire Mr Marley to do a Christmas Panto." There was some muttering, as though something was being discussed, then. "Would this be with the Guinea Pigs? You know, with Ralph and Toby and Graham?" "That's right." "Hell yes he'll do it. Bob loves those guys, he's like a major fan. Who is he going to play?" "Jacob Marley." Again that deep laugh. "Crazy. Okay, he says you're on." There was a strange absence of sound, suggestive of a line having been disconnected. "Ahem. That will be £500 as agreed Mr. Minty." Said a rather bemused Madam Arcati. "Didn't we finish the Murder at The Respectable House Mr. Stringbeans?" Asked Miss Marbles, somewhat 4th wallish. "I do believe so Miss Marbles." Murray wrote a cheque and quietly left. |
| Cynthia had been dozing. She awoke with a slight start, and quickly glanced about to see if anyone had noticed. Bertie certainly hadn't, for he was snoring gently in his favourite armchair. Smiling fondly at him, Cynthia pulled another letter from her bundle of correspondence. She was quite determined to reduce the pile today, it was getting a little silly. "Dear Lady Booster," The letter began promisingly. It was from a 14 year old Claire Standish, a member of 'The Breakfast Club' which Cynthia had founded some years before to encourage young people to enjoy 'Kippers.' Claire wanted to know if Wow-wow sauce could be used as a condiment whilst playing Kippers, and if so, how should it be scored? She even helpfully supplied that Wow-wow sauce was mentioned in Terry Pratchett's Reaper Man. Cynthia having read all of Sir Pratchett's books, dashed off a suitable response: 'Dear Claire, I feel that the use of Wow-wow sauce as described in 'Reaper Man' would probably contravene several of the laws against the use of chemical weapons introduced in the wake of WWI. However as there really is a condiment called Wow-wow Sauce, (I'm enclosing a copy from Enquire Within upon Everything), it could probably be used in local games, although it is not a part of the Internationally Recognised Condiments list. Our American cousins play local condiment variants that employ hot peppers. I believe one called the 'Scotch Bonnet Hot Sauce'. I suggest that you would score Wow-wow sauce in a similar manner. As I don't have a copy of their scoring to hand, I would suggest that you write to a Mr. G. Clooney, President of the American Kipperati Association. I'm sure he would respond favourably to a polite enquiry. Yours etc. Lady Booster.' One down, and umm, quite a lot to go. Thought Cynthia. She stared at the inkwell, a present from the late Lady Daphne Vuitton-Wilde-Rockyfellow. Lady Daphne had been delighted at the news of the wedding of Bertie and Cynthia and sent the inkwell from her new home in America. So taken had the she been with America that she had even condescended to marrying an old fashioned millionaire. The inkwell was inscribed 'Booyah!' There had also been a large cheque to be used to found a women's Kippers Society. It appeared that Lady Daphne had approved of anything that showed the gentleman that women were always more than their equal. Cynthia had made sure to include the name Daphne in her first daughter's full appellation. |
| Beholden - Don't worry, I shall post a picture of myself wearing one of those 'The End Is Nigh' placards to give everyone fair warning. |
| Just so those of you who didn't know now know! The first and second unwritten rules of life are: 1) 2) |
| Perhaps it is time for change then...(unwritten to written) 1) Treat others as you would like to be treated. 2) Don't take things personally. |
 You are my inspiration for making myself think about writing nothing. I couldn't decide up until this moment what to write. So, I would like to Thank You for being such and once more an inspiration in helping myself do a writing about nothing.  If that's not a word salad I don't know what is.  |
| "Adhere-San, what is this please?" "Write-Write you're back." "Please don't waste my time changing the subject and stating the obvious Adhere-San. What is this?" "It's my last Newsfeed post. Why?" "It is two videos and very little writing. You have become lazy in my absence Adhere-San. This has to change. You must adhere to our contract." For those of you new to this, my muse Write-Write, who's full name roughly translates as 'Write something now. You write now, or something very painful happen. Write. Write!' has been away, on a round the world cruise no less. This was paid for in full by me, as part of her remuneration package, (Paragraph 1023, sub clause B1023:WC) Now she is back and ... "What is it about Adhere-San?" "Well it's the start of a clever reworking of Alice Through the Looking Glass, only starring Cynthia Booster, (nee Darjeeling.) You see the first video has a girl going through a mirror, only it's not Alice, and the second video is from the Musical Chess, and the main difference between Wonderland and Looking Glass is Cards or Chessmen, so you see it really was rather...." I petered out under Write-Write's withering gaze. "And what is this other thing you have announced?" "It's a reworking of A Christmas Carol starring the Guinea Pigs and the Late Bob Marley." "Please tell me the guinea pigs aren't the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and... They are aren't they" "It's seasonal and the guinea pigs are very popular, and I thought that the two productions could hilariously overlap." "I have been following the Newsfeed whilst on my cruise, 'Please to write more immediately', and 'You must write more or chop-chop' send their regards by the way." Nice of them since apparently I paid for them to cruise as well, though Write-Write tells me that my 'Meka-Worriers' series has now been turned into a major Japanese film phenomena and that I can afford it! "You are very silly person Adhere-San. I feared that this slipshod would happen whilst I was away. Now you have committed to this nonsense you had better make very good job of it, or..." And she did that strange hand wave that seems to simultaneously suggest things being chopped, and being painfully twisted. I've never dared ask exactly what it means. |
| Cynthia sat in front of the Looking Glass (I think we've established I mean the mirror). Maybe this could be a musical. She thought. |
| Suddenly a hand reached out and pulled Cynthia into the Looking Glass. "My goodness, where am I?" She asked herself. |
Adherennium Plotting something  - Poor Cynthia. It's crowded and chaotic within that looking glass. She must be so confused and wondering about any moves she could possibly make. |
| After some snuffling, a little rustling and a modicum of 'gweeping', the Newsfeed found itself plastered with posters. Some read: "The Cutesy Critters Playhouse Productions in Association with Angus Brosnigag Cinematic Masterpieces Inc. is proud to Announce their Christmas Panto 'A Steampunk Christmas Carol' with special guest The Late Bob Marley." Whilst others read: "Gweep (Gweep?) Productions in Assoc. with Angus Brosnigag (Gweep) Ltd. Proudly presents 'Alice Cynthia Through The Looking Glass thingy.. you know.... tip of my tongue... Mirror, that's the deely' Sponsored by Throgmorton's 'Empirical' Snuff Boxes, Cat Boxes, and Exotic Lingerie. (Remember if it isn't Throgmorton's Then Likely it's someone else's)" |
I can never decide between a or a  when the guinea pigs are involved, so here's both! |
| My Grandpa was in to snuffling, you know, snorting powdered snuff out of a snuff box. I don't remember him ever rustling, but he may have, they did have cows on the farm. I'm almost certain he never did any gweeping, but only Grandma would have known for sure. |
| Happy Halloween |
| Can someone tell me the video title and channel name so I can look it up? |
Twin Peaks three anyone?
Actually I've never seen Twin Peaks, but I think this is just as odd, possibly |
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