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Reading three of the most famous novels of John Green somehow brings my thoughts back to high school. It sucks to know you don't get to dance your crush or be a crush of anybody. To think about it often makes me nostalgic and sad since I do long to be seen and get along nicely with men. I would sometimes day dream of being the main character of the story, particularly Margo Roth Spiegelman. Although to be in her shoes would be making a total make over of my own personality. This girl is your American dream girl. But me, I'm just making ends meet everyday. Why I go through this journal in my spare time is one of the manifestations of my anxiety and self-inflicted-neediness. Unlike Margo, I typically prioritize my studies. It's just that I wonder a lot these days if anyone of my type is still single.
There are times when I feel like wearing a make up and lowering my curls down. I am at my most confident self when I know my dark spots have been blurred. There's this other side of myself that is sporty and rugged but also this part of me that's kikay. Why I talk about demeanor and disposition is also I question to me. I guess I just wanted to be seem somehow. And also to point out how darting the eyes around me are becoming ever since I'm wearing more sparkly make up and the dress up clothes.
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I'd like to let out this frustration I have over this super late salary we, the Utility Personnel, are currently experiencing. As much as I want to get over it, I am faced with the anger from time to time. There's a boiling grudge or some kind inside me that I can't keep to myself. So here I am writing them down for release.

Whoever cooked these super delicious spaghetti for today's snacks at the office is superhuman. I never tasted anything like it before. So yes, I'm effing blurting out these frustrations and at the same time indulging my senses to this one-of-a-kind feast.

Thank you, Lord because You are the one constant immaculate that supervises my life. You see me and is mindful of me. I may not get to see another day because of the uncertainty of life, but at least I feel Your presence near. This gives me the assurance that I am not alone in my battles. Today and forever, I say to You: Thank You.
I don't like to blame her, the administrative assistant, yes. Partly because she has shown me kindness for the most part of my stay here in ABIS and partly because I pity her condition. She admittedly confessed how she finds it hard to move her lower extremities due to Arthritis or the like. How she would sometimes fall inside Public Utility Vehicles, helpless to say the least, with only her umbrella-turned-cain to carry her weight up. Yes, she is the topic of today's write up. Because, yes (again), I hate knowing she could just linger around here without making things happen to those of us waiting to get our salaries on time. We have bills to pay. And while making ends meet, we too provide for our families who would patiently wait our coming and see us through in our going.
I pause for a write up on this Gratitude Journal I've started since the time I got to my senses and broke up with my boyfriend, Jeffrey. It's hard to regain the strength to move past heartache and self-blame. I guess focusing on what is in the now is making me tougher and resilient. When I try to embrace every little gift that comes with celebrating life today meant not turning to vices and going down the spiral abyss of grief and negativity. So here I am. I am reclaiming my space somehow. I am loving myself much better as well. All the quirks and hidden side of me that says: I will...; I won't....; and I want.... I sure am not a very decisive person but writing does make me feel like I can ultimately let go and say: thank you Lord for the gift of life.
Today marks the start of my fourth month of service here at Andres Bonifacio Integrated School. I am grateful for co-workers who teach me responsibility and accountability. I thank God for teachers who exemplify integrity in the work they do, even if it entails unpaid services and overtime grinding. My state of health is unpredictable but I am thankful for colleagues who check with me from time to time. I am grateful for my boss as well for her grace and favor.
Today is a sporadically warm day. Rain comes and goes. Must be the effect of Global Warming. In my part of the globe, fabric conditioners are sold in bundles. That's because you will encounter the strongest typhoons now and then. You cannot trust weather reports since at one day there is quiet and no rain falls but the next day, the cyclone signal rises. But hey, enough with my musings on the weather. Let's talk about time. I thank God for the favor I experience in our office and the provisions that allow me to work two jobs at a time. I am grateful for the support of fellow officemates who understand my affinity for books. In our environment in the office, there is little to no resistance to achievers. And performers are acknowledged with due merit.
My gratefulness writing story began when nothing seems to go right with my life. My emotions are at the peak of its intensity and what I want in life seems to drift farther and farther from being realized. Maybe because partly, i get too caught up with my singing. Like being immersed in the emotions of the moment whenever I sing the song. The divas I follow are also to blame.
Today I am thankful for officemate's who are thoughtful and kind. I get to taste free coffee and tea from them especially at times when I needed a quick fix. My heart is grateful for the times when my supervisor, the School Principal, would bring free raw goods for us to cook. Even in the small things like free lunch, she doesn't disappoint since our meals are extra special after tasting. Thanks to co-researchers who does for me lots of favor.
Today I would like to express my sincere gratitude towards my mom who so willingly cooks breakfast for me--one that is especially healthy. I wanted to be a vegetarian, and I told her that. She was supportive. I would also like to thank my friends and coach from my October Health group, who so heartily encourage me to stick with my financial goals and not be distracted by Social Media Influencers. It is fun to be around people whose intentions provide you with caring and loving environment for your growth. I claim victory over Bipolarism Disorder. I declare freedom from depression. May God grant me with breakthrough in my finances so that I can pursue my career with wisdom and forbearance.
Today I am grateful for the driver of the Passenger Utility Jeepney for taking the short route on the way to my office. I thank God for the fruits and vegetable stand near my house, from which I can buy fruits that support my vegetarian diet. I am thankful for my trainer for her mastery of the subject matter that despite her obvious lack of strategy to teach, she is meticulous when it comes to exercises. I thank our Father in heaven for the grace to face today's training and the wisdom in dealing with youngsters in my batch.
Today I am grateful for the loving and caring personality being shown to me by my best friend from India. I thank God that there is someone out there showing their concern for me whenever I face trials at work. The nights would be lonely without him at the other end of the line. He is also thoughtful and reminds me of my hygiene.
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Today I am grateful to have found new friends amongst my batchmates in the Training Group: UPS UK.
I eat and spend time with them in the pantry during breaks. We talk about stuff that are even sensitive. We laugh at the jokes thrown across the table like kids turning the atmosphere to become conducive for happiness and thoughtfulness.
I appreciate their listening ears and kind heart.
When it is time to go back to class, they are quick to remind me and follow along when I am the one making the remark.
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