cqa1's Notebook - Writing.Com

Dec 2, 2014 at 9:50pm

I feel like I gotta get this out there.

So, I didn't grow up normal. Not in the "my parents were hippies" way, you see. My brother has severe autism even though it's only because it has become a "catch all" term, my mother has PTSD because of an incredibly difficult time growing up in South Utica, and my father is emotionally manipulative and possibly (probably) abusive towards us but in a rather complicated way so that no legal action can be taken place. And then there's me, the bipolar college kid who's going to end up broke in the future.

So obviously that's affected how I am as a person today. All of the people that I'm close to either have some form of depression, PTSD, Anxiety, some have self harmed, and many of us need to get our s*** together due to the unfair and messed up circumstances of the American education system. I can't really 'do normal' or get close to people who grew up normal, really. I have friends who grew up normal and don't have any problem functioning in society, but it's more difficult to get close to them on any form of intimate level because what's normal to them is getting a job and being able to handle three essays while my normal is crying myself to sleep and trying to prove to myself that I'm a useful human being.

I can't really do normal, so to speak. I've never really experienced it. All I know is dysfunction and depressive episodes and failure and this didn't seem as depressing in my head I'm sorry but this has been wrapping my mind the past few weeks.

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cqa1

Nov 14, 2014 at 5:48pm

Hey, I haven't been active on this site in a while. College is keeping me occupied to a point and I've been on a rollercoaster ride of personal problems. Not to mention trying to keep track of my emotions since I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and am taking medication for it now.

Anyways, I've put up a static and would appreciate it if you guys could read it. I forgot how to do the whole bitem format thing so I'll post a link to it here

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2018530-Its-funny-that-you-trust-m...

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cqa1

Aug 28, 2014 at 5:45pm

Okay, so um, I'm not really sure if anyone reads these but I think it'll feel better if I just get this out. So I just moved into college, SUNY Potsdam by the Canadian border. I'm sure it's a great school, but I have a girlfriend back home who's still in high school and I don't feel like I can do this without her. I know I'm still young but this isn't just some puppy love people get over in a week. We're in a serious relationship and I can't see her in person until October 11. We both think we can make it work, I'm positive that we'll last for at least a few more years, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. Also, I believe I have bipolar disorder and haven't told anyone except for a few close friends. I think one of the good things about college is that they have people here who can help out with that, I believe. I just need some advice on getting by one day at a time with my sanity.

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Jellyfish-Flying Away 4 Xmas!

Aug 28, 2014 at 6:32pm

Hey cqa1

- so if you are in love with each other, and you think it will work then it probably will! I have friends who were going out in school, went to different unis and ended up married

. Anyway when she finishes school she can come join you in your town/city - (have no idea where that is although I did go to Canada this year!)

As for how to get by - just try and live every day like your last - well, as much as you can!

Elle - on hiatus

Aug 28, 2014 at 9:31pm

Just keep the lines of communication open - whether that's by phone calls, emails or snail mail. And don't just tell her how many loads of laundry you did, but how you actually feel.

Best of luck to you both!

On the topic of your bipolar - definitely utilise the school's resources and see if you can get tested or assessed. A diagnosis will make it easier for you to a) access more resources that can help you and b) tell people.

cqa1

May 15, 2014 at 6:57pm

I've been pretty busy these past few months. I launched a mission called project FLIRT which has been a success, sorry to all my adoring female fans, or male fans, or trans. But someone else is playing the smoochy smooch with me. Also, there's this game called Assassins going on in my high school

Assassins is basically a crazy version of manhunt with water guns played by seniors and juniors who are graduating early. The participants pay the junior class president five bucks to play, and they are given a target and two weeks to 'kill' them by squirting them with water guns as long as it isn't on school property. People go CRAZY over this, because the winner wins the jackpot and it's just fun.

Now, I didn't know who to give the money to so I couldn't join before the chaos erupted. But, I can make money off of this. I'm still a senior, and can find out who has to kill who for assassins. Now, my person who is paying me has a good chance of winning for select reasons so that means if he does win I get part of the prize money. But if anyone finds out that I've kept him alive this long in the game and found his targets that means several people are going to get angry with me, like punch you angry at me, and no one else will hire me based off an old honor system. So nevertheless it's been adventurous!

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