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Me again, and still confused.
A few years ago when first moving to the neighborhood, gossip had it that I was an invalid, another saying I was too dang cheap to hire landscapers, thus forcing the wife to do all the work since always seeing her in her flower beds or pruning hedges that she insists on gardening her way, as well as loves mowing the yard for a bit of exercise.

Yesterday, after 2 weeks of nasty storms, I was out by the street wearing a neon construction shirt, a fedora, and sunglasses while cutting up downed branches and trimming damaged limbs overhanging the sidewalk when this woman pulls up to the curb and lowered the window.
"Hello! Excuse me," she said. "How much do you charge for doing yardwork?"

"Oh, there's no charge here, ma'am. The pretty little lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
She slapped that SUV in gear and sped off with her nose in the air. I can't wait to hear what the local chinwaggers will be running through the rumor mill on this one.
  •   1 comment
My sister mowed. My mother shoveled. My father kept the car a running. I was the gardener. 😊
Me again, and still confused.
Last night, I helped the wife with dinner by putting my potato in the microwave
but pushed the "Pizza" button by mistake when a thought occurred to me.
When it was done, it was still a bloody potato...
so, isn't that about how the same silliness as choosing one's gender works?
Oy ve; still confused.
Me again, and still confused.
I told my estate attorney that after my funeral, I want him
to take my cell phone and text everyone who showed up:
"Thanks for coming. See you again soon."
That otta confuse a bunch of 'em!
  •   1 comment
You made my day DR. That'll tell ya how interesting my life is right now. *Laugh*
Me again and still confused.
I don’t understand all this crazy stuff about renaming people pronouns and things, so I thought I’d give it a try and relabeled our toilet from a “john” to a “jim.”

Maybe there’s something to it cuz the wife seemed happier this morning when asking why I was getting out of bed so early.
I sleepily told her I was goin’ to the jim to lose a couple pounds, and all she said was, “Great! It’s about time, have fun,” rolled over and went back to sleep.
  •   3 comments
I don't know if this was meant to be funny, but I got a good chuckle out of it.
THANK YOU!! I am very tired of the toilet named "john". Going to the "jim" sounds like you're doing something athletic.

John
So shouldn't girl's toilets be called Jane?
Me again, and double confused today.
What is this game of thrones thing I keep hearing about? Is it like playing musical toilets, or something like that?
Oy, not a good day.
Me again and still confused.
Trying to be wifey’s little helper backfired on me again when I ruined her Aran Island wool sweater.
“What in blue blazes were you thinking?” she screamed. “You can’t wash pure wool items with regular clothes, you nitwit! This won’t even fit a six-year-old now!” And she stormed off.
“How was I ‘sposed to know,” I yelled back. “Sheep are out in the rain all the time and they don’t shrink!”
Oy, I don’t think she heard me.
Me again, and still confused.
I don't understand why big pharma
continues to push its products as "effective and safe"
but list "Death" as a potential side effect?
I must be dumb, or something.
  •   2 comments
I would say 'something', as in being one of those people who see such wording on "effective and safe" medicine packages and say to themselves, "Wait...what?". Nothing at all wrong with that kind of 'something'.

Me again, and still confused.
The wife was huffin' and puffin' about my ineptness around the house lately
when blustering; "What would you do if I suddenly went on life support!"
I told her, "no problem. I'd unplug you, wait 15 seconds and plug you back in
and see if that works."

  •   1 comment
Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight! *Laugh*
Edited
Me again, and still confused.
A burglar broke into my house last night
and woke me up when looking for money.
Since I was awake, I started searching with him.

  •   4 comments
Or you could have seached HIM for something in exchange for any money he found, or foil him and do it after he finds anything.
*Rolling* I mean, we all need to lend a helping hand when possible. Hope you two bonded.
s  
True (?) story. I was talking to a cop who told me that an old man got home from being at the RSL and found that his house had been broken into and ransacked. The thief made a mess but didn't seem to take anything; still, he rang the cops. He didn't own much and the house was sparsely furnished, so the mess stood out. They came and searched and the old man pointed out that the person had piled personal papers on the kitchen table. They'd been taken from the fridge and detailed doctor's appointments, drugs prescriptions, etc. And the diagnosis of a terminal illness. The police looked at it.

Under the pile was a note that said, "You need this more than me," and a $50 note.

The cop says he was one of the investigating officers.
Edited
Me again, and still confused.
I was served a nice steak at the bar last night when a patron snidely ridiculed me for it.
"Why don't you meatheads be like us... a Vegan and help save the planet?"
After downing my first bite followed by a sip of a cold brewski, I responded:
"Y'all are no different than the bloody cows you despise...
all you do every day is eat veggies and fart."

Enjoyed me a great steak, and a free beer from the barkeep, lemme tell ya.
  •   3 comments
That was totally unfair. Humans are designed biologically to eat meat as well as plants. In fact we need meat as a primary source of protein, probably the most important food nutrient. Plus I don't see how not eating meat is "saving the planet", it's people like poachers and those who destroy ecosystems for financial gain that should be dealt with. Note: If someone has made a personal decision to be vegan, I'm not denouncing that in of itself. In fact I would respect it, but using it to attack like they did was just wrong.
To each their own, but I'd have joined you.
s  
I read a great study that showed if the whole world became Vegan:
1) a lot of animals would die slow and painful deaths because they have been bred as food/milk animals
2) the amount of agrable land needed to grow enough food to feed everyone would outstrip the land currently available and all the fresh water available
3) the amount of land needed would mean transport costs - and hence pollution through emissions - would increase dramatically, as more veg than meat is needed to give people the caloric energy needed to function (oh, and while electric vehicles weight so much, thus damaging roads more, so they'd need more upkeep, and use electricity gathered from fossil fuel power stations, they are hardly earth-savers)
4) humans have bodies designed to get proteins from meat, not veg; the only way to get these proteins would be through artificial means, and not one chemical company has proven themselves capable of doing something like that without messing up.

I was accosted by a Vegan a few years ago and she asked how I could eat a poor defenceless animal. I looked her in the eye, smiled, and said, "When we run out of cows, Vegans are next." She ran, told the hotel owner I'd threatened her, I told him what had happened, and he told her off for accosting his customers.
Me again and still confused.
A few regulars at the VFW asked me where I've been lately.
"I've been working on becoming an entrepreneur" I said.
And they all laughed at me; said I wasn't innovative enough.
I dunno, I thought I was going in the right direction... I sold my homing pigeon on EBAY 22 times already.
Me again, and still confused.
After watching a recent TV news show,
I tried donating blood today. But never again!
Too many stupid questions... like who's blood was it?
And where did I get it... and why is it in a couple mason jars, for Pete's sake?
Oy, still confused.
  •   2 comments
s  
Try asking for a withdrawal from a blood bank...
s - Good one. LOL
Dear DR Smith,

First time reader, which makes me a first time noter. I read your tale with the varmints and have one question. Where have you been hiding? I just jumped into your Notebook, scrolled and scrolled, sensing some confusion. My confusion has to do with info from your bio:
1. Here since 2005
2. Self described sporadic writer
3. Said writing perhaps somewhat humorous

What you see is indeed what you get. I don't read or note on my cell phone. With my laptop balancing on knees, bleary eyed from lack of sleep, I came back to visit the interactive story this morning...well you know the rest. I sat straight up, holding my side with the painful stitch from laughing so hard I thought I would puke. Your writing is awesome. In a short hour and two minutes, I have turned into your #1 fan.

Love,
tracker
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Me again, and still confused.
I don't understand why the Govt is spending billions in search of intelligent life in space.
I mean... why don't they start with Congress, for pete's sake?
  •   4 comments
I wish that was only a joke…
They probably are playing the odds. There's a better chance to find intelligent life in deep space than in Congress. *Rolling*
That was so rich. *Rolling*
Me again, and still confused.
I don't understand why politicians say they care about us citizens, but act otherwise when passing legislation.
For example, Oregon recently made cocaine legal BUT they banned straws!
I mean... wouldn't that be frustrating as hell for its citizens?
Oy ve, still confused.
  •   6 comments
So you can snort the coke, just don't use a straw to do it. Gotcha! Makes perfect sense. *Crazy*

These are the clowns we elect to office, so we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I think the definition of politician should be:

Politician: Noun, A flibbertigibbet.

Poly means many & tics are blood sucking creatures.
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