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Review by Michael Nite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Okay, first off, your hook is kinda buried in the first paragraph. I would suggest that you focus on just one character. I know, there might be three main characters but pick the main of the main characters. Pick the character that would have the best emotional impact to the reader for when you have an emotional impact, you would drive the reader nuts to go reading further. Frankly, this doesn't invite me to read further, sorry,

If you pick one character to focus on, ask yourself these following questions:

1. What does he/she has to lose internally, on an emotional level? Her/his life maybe.

2. What does he/she has to lose externally? Her/his friends maybe

3. What stands in her/his way to not lose those things she is about to lose?

4. What can she/he do to stop these things from happening?

by these question, you will have an emotional impact.

another thing i could give you is that SHOW DON'T TELL.

in the last paragraph, you TOLD us everything instead of showing us. You told us that it is filled with action adventure and such but it is better when you show it to us in the query. grab the reader's attention. give us an example of the so-called action and adventure.

and also, 137 703 words? i think that's a bit too much for scifi and fantasy.

Right now, your query does not tell me anything about the plot and what the characters has too lose or anything else.

I'm sorry but it's not working for me, in my opinion.

I'm sure that there's a golden plot hiding in there.

Let it shine.

Good luck!


P.S. I don't know if I'm being rude or anything but I'm just trying to help.
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