I like where you were mentaly when you wrote this. I relate! I can offer some options that you may or maynot want to use..
.
You wake up one morning
And take a look in the mirror I love the this stanza..very nice and smooth
To find a face looking back
With eyes that aren't much clearer.
You realize that somehow
That face belongs to you,
And those eyes that aren't much clearer
Were once so bright blue. I took out the very it just takes away from the flow!
People don't see who you are,
They only see your smile
For however fake it is, so true nice write
It only lasts for awhile.
They ask (h)ow you're doing, small typo forgot the h
And you reply, "Oh just fine."
But inside you're begging them
to see the things that aren't so fine. I wanted to help you end this in rythm and when I read this before I even read your last line I
ended it in my head with what I put there....just a option thanks I enjoyed the read!
I like what you have written I will offer some options you may ar maynot want to use!
I love the first four lines!
Faster and faster I turn
Searching for the door
Hidden in my mind
The memories I tore
blank pages ( I took away the from becase u tore them from a life not written )
a life not yet written
left in emptiness ( I feel like this shortens it up...easier to follow and adds to the mood! ) I like the rest stay fly.....2wac
I’m cold and I’m smitten
The phantoms encircle me
EmbarrassmentTerrorGuiltHumility
Their gloomy – empty – smiles
Remind me of innocent stupidity
We learn from our mistakes
But some mistakes imprint
An eternal fear into our souls
A fear that stays till we’re cold and limp.
good writing I love the flow of the project! I love that type of writing it is real and from the heart. when you use the (thy, for) allow you to really build up the power and feeling..also keeping the reader moving...Brilliant..I tried a piece like this check it out if your interested! ( waiting for love to breathe)
Very nice job with this poem. Very easy to read and even a story line. there was one thing I noticed that I stumbled on when I read it!She thinks
(She thinks he's the one to turn me back around) I think it would sound with a lil different! I just cant find the rythm in that and to me that really helps the reader! maybe I would go with something as such!
(She thinks he could take this frown
and maybe flip it up side down) just a suggestion!
Good luck in your contest this is very good work! see ya around..
I enjoyed reading this poem! And I can relate I pray with the same hopes in mind every night!
I only had a Idea for one line that I stumbled on.......just a suggestion!
(I need) someones will besides my own. ( i think the I need helps with the flow of the project and plus it is like a prayer
we are only praying because we feel we need something)
Just my advise I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing more of your work
..........stay fly!
2wac
I was reading this poem and I was loving how smooth it reads....I had one problem and it was very small the last section gave me a lil stumble in the flow! I believe you can make it way better with a couple changes!
something like this helps keep the flow making for a strong finish!
to feel these things is magic
I only hope for more
I feel my time is coming
to move on as before!
Hope i offered some kind of helpful advise! hope to see you around
very nice! I know that was a bad storm and that had to be ruff. sometimes it takes things like that to bring communitys together!
first line second section you split up the I and the T....
third section second line couple typo's smile and dont.
I would also move the last line up a lil more to make it
look like its part of the poem....I know all minor errors just letting you know!
take care....
2wac
I like the meaning of the poem! however I believe with a poem this small you must really be picky about the flow and the word choice! I believe it says what you want it to say but I know you can make it better
take the time to smell a rose
enjoy it , hold it in
for you never know if that rose
will ever bloom again!
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