This piece is so much fun! Being at that disco age in my life right now, this is a beautiful illustration of real life for me (exchanging disco for modern dance)! I rather appreciated how full this illustration is. I also appreciated how the poem deals with the now for the speaker- such a juxtaposition provided a nice frame for the piece. Overall- very well done!
I'm afraid of being to harsh, as this is a topic very very personal, but...
The feeling is there. I find myself sympathizing and trying to come to grips with the emotion myself, but I worry about the rhyme scheme. I understand that we like poetry that rhymes, but here it seems forced. Try experimenting with other words and phrases, maybe you'll find something that rings more true to you and to the reader.
I enjoyed the repetition of "Look at" at the beginning of each stanza. This said, however, I believe more time could be spent on the rest of the piece. The content I believe is there, but what of the rhymes? Falling in love is simple and pure and can be said with all these words, but what sets this piece apart from the rest? What I've found here is a story I already know- I want to see something unique. Find some interesting quirk in this love- something that is still true to the intent, but wonderfully new. Regardless, the images in the piece are beautiful.
Oof. What a sucky time. I love that you were willing to write about such a personal topic. The use of "me" and "my" really help to draw the reader into the story that you tell. And I like that! I would, however, evaluate some of the rhymes to attempt to find something more meaningful and flowy. Many of the rhymes hold by themselves, but... it is a personal pet peeve when we try to rhyme one word with the same word (me and me in stanza 1).
Wow. This is powerful. I really enjoy how emotive the piece is without becoming overwhelmingly melodramatic. Fantastic choice in diction and great flow. The only suggestion I might have is to go back and find where punctuation might be fitting. I find this can help a poems meaning to come out more strongly.
Cool poem! I really like the subject matter. Looking for other ideas? What about when you're around people who don't make you feel special. It might be interesting to create an antithesis kind of poem...
I like the imagery in this poem a lot, as well as the virulent nature of the water. The only thing I could suggest is to do some minor spell check... I'm not sure, but I think "cap sided" is supposed to be capsized.
Nice job!
Basil Shae
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/76trombones
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:53am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
