I usually prefer reviewing shorter pieces. This was 7,765 words long, which makes me think this is a chapter or a novel idea in progress. I would recommend explaining to the reader what this is exactly. You could label it a chapter. I also recommend thinking of a better title, and a description that explains more. As it is Tunnel to the Stars for a title seems wrong, they go to a planet. Maybe create some kind of exotic name for the planet and use that instead. In the description it says test world, does that mean it's a test world for the author writing it? You can see how an experienced reader could be puzzled by this. Maybe change it a new world instead. Remember you need to use the title and description as a selling point to get readers to even look at your stories. Since this seems to be a work in progress the author might be aware of this already. I would put Still Writing on the very bottom to let the reader know this.

Since I don't know if this is meant as a short story or a chapter it will make it hard to suggest certain aspects to improve it. Which is another reason I emphasize stating if this is a chapter. You could post brief author notes on the top explaining what this is and even key points you would like reviewed. This isn't done often in WDC but in my opinion should. So I will suggest if you're looking for feedback for opinions of the story, to change this possibly into a short story. Chapters seem to not get reviewed as often as short stories. Plus you could give a link on the bottom to any continuations. So I will focus on this being for a short story.

Please be aware this is a very extensive review. My suggestions are for you to see my points and to help give you ideas to change parts of the story. It's not my intention to rewrite parts of the story only to give you ideas to help you creatively improve the writing. You're the author and your decisions are what is most important.

My initial response as I started to read was there's a lot of exposition. A lot of military terminology thrown out in the beginning. I think this will only discourage readers from continuing further. The story lacks a much needed hook. I recommend starting with action right off. This is an action story so throwing the reader right into the action will grab their attention. You could describe explosions going off, maybe some soldiers being hurt. Someone cries for a medic. You describe the wounded. The communications officer can get in touch with headquarters, maybe the radio gets damaged from shrapnel. You could explain a lot of the beginning situation through dialogue. You could have the soldier on the radio reveal certain things. You could have him talking to the captain, and have the captain and major expressing their concerns. After showing the reader the situation instead of telling in exposition you can then have Lieutenant Turner come into play telling them about the portal.

Another key issue I see right off is I feel the part where the battalion takes the chances to go through a portal isn't well visualized to the reader. How big is this portal? If it's small wouldn't it take a considerably long time for the whole battalion to enter it? Two options I see to resolve this. Scale down the numbers, perhaps this is just too ambitious to use a larger number of soldiers. You could make this maybe a smaller elite tactical company. Maybe they're a top secret force that is never recorded in the history books. Maybe because they go through the portal never to return they get written out of history. Or maybe they had actually been sent on a secret mission to investigate strange anomalies that showed up from aerial recon. The other route is to make the gateway larger. If you want to write this as a short story I recommend writing it as a company not a battalion. Also there is no emphasis on their impending doom, other than the dialogue I'll show below.

“Runner from Company H, sir,” Captain Holderman stated, pushing a winded private in front of him.

“Captain Grant reports a large enemy force is closing in on our rear, sir, at least Regimental, possibly Division strength.”

“Forward scouts report another enemy force to our front,” Lieutenant Turner stated. “They’re half a mile out and closing fast.”

Major White turned to Captain Holderman. “What do you think, Ned?” He was pointing towards the arch. “Do we give it a try?”

“Your call, sir. Personally I think it’s better than getting hit from both sided by the Germans.”

“Form Companies!” Major White ordered. “Send word back for all units to follow us through the arch.”

In my opinion you write a lot of needless exposition in the beginning only to not include it where it is needed most. Deciding to go through some alien like portal in the early 1900s would be considered crazy to do. The scout who is sent through comes back to describe this.

“It was beautiful, sir. I was standing on a small hill overlooking a wide white sandy beach. It was very warm but a cool breeze was blowing. I glanced around and saw a thick forest to my rear, and there was a large clearing and what appeared to be a small village perhaps six hundred yards to my left.”

Yet he fails to look up in the sky? He doesn't see this?

Instead of one brilliant bright spot, there were two. Two suns hung heavily in the clear blue sky. In addition to the two suns, a much smaller sun could be seen in the distance and a large ring-like object seemed to circle the entire planet.

You'll gonna lose the reader's belief in the story at this point. I recommend having the scout coming back shocked. He saw the two suns. You could throw heavy impact here having the major say.

"What is it Lieutenant? Tell me what was it you saw?" The lieutenant was in a state of shock. 'What did he see?' thought the major. "Tell me boy. What was it?"

"Two suns!"

Then you could show the reader the revelation of that hitting the major. He would have to make a tough choice then for sure. You'll have to then describe their surroundings as if they were in a dire situation. I understand you're ex military, but you got to take in consideration who your audience is. Come on put in some hollywood flare. Show impending doom, blow some crap up, kill some people, throw in at least a couple bombs exploding at this point in the writing. You're going for dramatic effect, let's see some action man. Lets go out blazing. Maybe skirmishes break out in the rear. Machine gun fire is heard.

"Hold your positions men." he ordered as he watched soldiers going through the portal in the distance. 'We got to buy our men just a little more time.' All he could hope was that Company H could keep the germans at bay for just a few more minutes.

The point I'm trying to make is you got to dumb this down a little. I know you might not have too many telling you that, but hey this is hollywood.

Another point to prove that statement is, I'll post your dialogue again.

“Captain Grant reports a large enemy force is closing in on our rear, sir, at least Regimental, possibly Division strength.”

“Forward scouts report another enemy force to our front,” Lieutenant Turner stated. “They’re half a mile out and closing fast.”

Major White turned to Captain Holderman. “What do you think, Ned?” He was pointing towards the arch. “Do we give it a try?”

“Your call, sir. Personally I think it’s better than getting hit from both sided by the Germans.”

“Form Companies!” Major White ordered. “Send word back for all units to follow us through the arch.”

Too much info here, maybe like this.

“Sir, a large enemy force is closing in on our rear," said the private as he tried to regain his breath. "At least Regimental, possibly Division strength.”

“Forward scouts report another enemy force to our front,” the Lieutenant stated. “They’re half a mile out and closing fast.”

The Major turned to Captain Holderman. “What do you think, Ned?” He was pointing towards the arch. “Do we give it a try?”

“Your call, sir. Personally I think it’s better than getting hit from both sided by the Germans.”

“Form Companies!” Major White ordered. “Send word back for all units to follow us through the arch.”

I'm not saying this is the best way. I'm trying to just give you a working example. Try to be more careful how you reference your characters. I think referring to them by ranks mostly, only using their last name to avoid it being to repetitious. I just wanted to make you aware that all the constant switching using their last names is going to confuse the reader.

Ok at this point we made it through the portal, and we're in a new world and not just some kind of test world. Still wonder if the planet has a name though, but that's ok at this point your story really gets interesting. That is why I took so much time giving you advice in the beginning because we needed to get all the readers to this point. This is a good story, be a shame if we lost any good soldiers... I mean readers before they get to this point right? Right!

You really do a great job carrying the story on for a good amount here. Really enjoyed reading this point. Ah here are a couple recommendations.

Two hours later, E Company was lying prone on a small hill overlooking the village several hundred feet below them. The place appeared empty, but there were several smoldering fires in front of the strange wicker-like huts. As they rose and entered the village, strange smells assaulted their senses. There was an overpowering smell of dead fish, mixed with a sharp peppery smell with a pungent minty undertone.

I make a good point here if any readers are reading this. You seem to drag out the description here. It's important as a writer to carry a strong voice, know who you are as a writer. Don't second guess yourself in your writing. The part at the end is the issue.

As they rose and entered the village, strange smells assaulted their senses. There was an overpowering smell of dead fish, mixed with a sharp peppery smell with a pungent minty undertone.

Perhaps more like this.

As they rose and entered the village, strange and familiar smells assaulted their senses. There was an overpowering smell of spiced fish, with a pungent minty undertone.

I took out peppery smell because you were trying to use it to describe a strange smell to begin with. That's a double smell negative man. I added familiar with strange because not all of the smells seem strange to me. I think we all know what fish smells like so that's familiar. Pepper isn't really overpowering, but spice is. Go eat at an indian restaurant if you want proof. And I took out dead for not just the poor fish sake, but for readers enjoyment. I mean do any readers love dead fish smell? Of course not. We want the readers salivating. All this talk of crab meat. We're coming to the village to eat man. Let's party fellow humanoids.

Oooh found another great review point. I'm on a roll.

A few moments later, a man slowly walked from the thick bushes with his hands held out in front of him, palms up. No weapons were visible. He was very tall, at least six-and-one-half-feet, but very slim. He looked like an ordinary human with one major exception; he possessed a long three-foot tail, which was twitching back and forth behind him. He wore nothing but a loin cloth made of some woven material. His skin coloring was a light shade of green but his eyes were large and a startling shade of sky blue. His brown hair was cropped short. Overall, he was a handsome and well developed creature.

Never refer to an alien race by using the term man. I would rethink this paragraph. You describe a man with a three foot tail, light green skin, and with large eyes. The term humanoid would be a better word choice.

A few moments later, a humanoid slowly walked from the thick bushes with his hands held out in front of him, palms up. No weapons were visible. He was at least six and a half feet tall, and very slim. He looked like an ordinary man with one major exception; he possessed a long three foot tail, which was twitching back and forth behind him. He wore nothing but a loin cloth made of some woven material. His skin coloring was a light shade of green but his eyes were large and a startling shade of sky blue. His brown hair was cropped short. Overall, he was a handsome and well developed creature.

I replaced humanoid with man, because I don't know any ordinary humans, but i know some ordinary men. This falls more into who your audience is. Now if you were writing this for aliens then by all means use human. But us men call each other men, not humans. I also took-out-all-this out when it came to numbers because well it makes it so hard to read. And six and a half, is easy than saying six and a one half. I chose to help the flow for the reader,not force them to pause.

“Doc, you stay with me. I think perhaps this man is a chief or some kind of leader and I don’t want a hundred dirty infantrymen scaring him.”

You did it again there. You should see how casual it makes it seem. Ah he's just some man with a big tail, no biggie man. Recommend using creature to avoid repetition or throw in another humanoid.

Ok here was a part you almost made me cry.

Suddenly, scores of people left the thick bushes and tree line holding their hands out before them, face up to indicate they had no weapons. There were women and children mixed among them. All were well built and appeared to be in excellent health. The women were gorgeous, with long sinewy bodies and hair cascading down their backs. Their elegant tails swished back and forth as they slowly made their way into the village proper.

Where are the boobs? Do these gorgeous alien women where shirts? Please tell me they don't. I want description of big green mammies baby, c'mon man. I mean this story is for guys right? How many chicks you think are gonna be reading army stories? Maybe the tomboys or butched ones. But guys are your number one fan here. Give us men the melons. If it was me writing this I would deliver them up like an ice cream truck in a trailer park. Heck, I'd even throw in some interstellar midnight escapades, maybe a little snow crab afternoon delight. You know what that's code for all you adults reading this, hehe.

Entertain your troops... I mean readers.

“Yes sir,” the Lieutenant replied, ogling the beautiful native women.

We all know what he is really ogling at, just say it man. Shout it!

One week later, Major White and his staff sat down around a fire with a representative group of the Sea People with Lieutenant Rogers and Private Grace. They did not call themselves by that name, but their name for their people was so difficult to pronounce Major White decided to stick with a simple, Sea People.

And give them a dang name already, call em... the Minaku, ya that's better. Make sure you tell the reader you gave them that name too. That's the kind of exposition us readers love. Your phonetics needs some inspiration. I noticed that later in the writing. I'll point that out later.

“They say the arch pops up two or three times a year at various locations along the coast. Each time it pops up, it stays for a few days, then, disappears again. Every so often, someone will come through the arch like we did. Most of them head into the never ending forests and are not seen again. Several have tried to go through the arch; however, they simply walk to the other side. Obviously, the arch only works in one direction, that is, to bring people here.”

Don't tell the reader that. Are you crazy? Strike off that last part. You don't want to reveal everything. Plus what about these soldiers, c'mon give them some hope, some chance they can go back to their girlfriends, wives and children. Give them some purpose, some reason to fight the good fight so they can go back home for christ sake.

Ok here is another major flaw that is gonna lose your readers belief. First let me clarify they've been with this Minaku for only a week right? Ok so tell how a guy can come to another planet and learn an alien language so much so in one week to know all this?

“They say the arch pops up two or three times a year at various locations along the coast. Each time it pops up, it stays for a few days, then, disappears again. Every so often, someone will come through the arch like we did. Most of them head into the never ending forests and are not seen again. Several have tried to go through the arch; however, they simply walk to the other side. Obviously, the arch only works in one direction, that is, to bring people here.”

“What about these other people?” Captain Halderman asked.

“Other than the Sky People, the ones who kidnap the men, there are many other races,” Private Grace noted. “There is a race of giants to the South, all around twelve feet tall, a race of little people to the north with average height of three feet, a war-like race beyond the woods who wear metal clothing; armor I assume, and are always fighting with each other, and many others.”

“There are also many very dangerous animals,” Lieutenant Rogers added. “Twenty pound wasps, giant lizards, huge bears and a race of cat people who live in the forests.”

“What about this ring around the world?” Lieutenant ‘Doc’ Schenck asked.

“According to Chief J’nar, the Gods live there. They have been seen in their flying ships descending from the sky. They never bother the People though. I looked at the ring through my binoculars last night and was shocked at what I saw. The details were poor but If you look closely you will notice it is actually a ring world. There are mountains, seas, oceans, deserts, forests, even clouds floating around up there.”

I count like 9 or 10 maybe, then there are many more. Wow this guy is a real fast learner of an alien language. I just have a hard time believing he can find all that out with a limited grasp of their language. This is the reason I'm a master reviewer. I'm the Wonderful Reviewer of Oz baby! I would recommend this.

Ok I suggested you making this a short story. At this point you got your characters out of an initial conflict the germans, only to be transported to an alien planet. They're not sure if they are safe yet exactly. But now you stated this.

Tribal gatherings were set twice a year primarily for families and friends to reunite and to find mates.

Oh their is your prime and butter of an ending right there. What do we have for him Bob? A brand new car! No. We got your short story ending instead. It just so happens I picked up a little Minakian too, and the chief told me they got a gathering next weekend. Hey it sounds more feasible than Lieutenant Dan learning a whole alien language in a week right? Oh ya, I had to throw in a little Forrest Gump in there too.

Ok so they get this shin dig on over the weekend. The soldiers learn about the Sky People, how they attack the Minaku, steal their males which are never seen again, hey that leaves a lot of needy females right?

"Ok men do your duty."

"Yes, sir. Ok boys you heard the captain. I get the girl on the left."

No seriously though. Ok. That night they have a feast. Tell your readers they got some alien beast roasting on the spittle. Describe alien fruits, make em green, purple, black, what ever. Their chief invites the major to his camp fire. The major brings over Lieutenant Dan, I mean the translator guy. But he only has a week of knowledge of the language so you got to make him not understand everything. We don't need to know about the giants, snake people, or Jabberwockies. We need to know about the sky people, because that's going to be in the next story. Hey the reader is only on a need to know basis, don't worry about me I'll keep all the other creatures a secret lets just focus on this short story.

Ok it's getting good. Oooh we find out the minaku call them hidaki because in minakian it means people of the sky. Readers love to learn these things along with the characters. Ok but wait he can't understand the last part of what the chief s trying to tell him. Give me a sec.

"Lieutenant Dan? Lieutenant Dan? What's he saying?"

But he can't understand, so the chief grabs a sharp pointed spear. OMG! He got so angry with Lieutenant Dan because he's too stupid to get what he's saying. He's gonna kill Lieutenant Dan. Nope. Instead he draws these stick people in the sand, then he draws these net like things over them. He draws big wee wees to mean the have big... no... that they're male.

No strike that last part. Lieutenant Dan is listening to the chief now. He's nodding that's a good sign. The chief is making bird like hand gestures. He grabs the sand with the stick people drawn on it, he makes a fist and then throws the sand away into the air then he points eastward where the biggest sun sets.

"What is it Lieutenant Dan? What did he say?"

"I got it!" Lieutenant Dan jumps up in the air. "Chief Minoka, (gotta give the chief a name, hes the chief man)he say the hidaki fly here and they steal their males and are never seen again. They disappear towards the east."

Notice I didn't mention they rode birds. Because then the characters and the reader would know that. You got to keep it mysterious.

'the hidaki fly here? But how can they fly?' the major wondered. 'Perhaps we'll have to find out the hard way.'

Twilight zone theme begins. No but really...

The major starts to think hey maybe we can work out a partnership, maybe we can help these green guys get back some of their males in exchange for food, shelter and helping us find the gateway back home. But first we need to send out a recon mission to scout how these hidaki fly, and why they only take the males and not the women and children.

Notice how not saying before they couldn't go back into the gateway, now gives your characters a drive in the story. The will help the Minaki, in hopes they will help them find the gateway when it appears. Then you as the author can decide when the gateway will appear and if at that time if its even possible to make it work. It leaves you, the writer still in control of what can happen or not.

Ok so Chief Minoka, Major White and Lieutenant Dan all agree and shake hands the diplomatic procedures have ended, but that doesn't mean the party stops, oh no. The minaki start passing out this white milky substance in bowls. All the females start dancing around topless, ya baby. <insert good provocative description here>

The soldiers start noticing that drinking the milky substances is an aphrodisiac. The females start going around selecting mates. But soon all the minaki males are taken leaving the soldiers. There is so many horny females without a partner what are we gonna do? They all take a soldier back to a small hut? Or do they all just go at it like jack rabbits out in the open. I don't know I'm not writing this story.

But what's this? Ani the chiefs daughter is still with out a partner. Ah shes been eyeing the major. She comes over and her scent is irresistible. Maybe ts the drugs in the milk, or both. All he knows is he wants to give her the one big eye. Ya BaBy. Now thats a happy ending.

Ok see how there is a lot there. And a happy ending resolution. At least until the major wakes the next morning to find the chief's daughter s lying next to him naked. OMG what will happen? You got to read chapter 2 to find out.

Ok at this point is a good stopping point to win over the readers for your chapters. I recommend sending it out to get some reviews and feedback. There are a couple ways to keep writing it. You could create a book item putting this all into the first chapter when you finish the chapter. You can still leave this as a stand lone and simply link the first chapter on the bottom. The reader would just have to scroll down to the unread part. Or option two you put the rest into hide tags so it will be hidden from readers till you finish writing the rest. Just some ideas there.

A few issues I see with the remainder you should keep in mind are.

You spelled ma'am as mam

You might want to reconsider name choice. Most will recommend phonetically correct names. Maybe you decided using ee but the names seem to be too similar sounding. I suggest using more distinct names without double vowels.

Janeea
Taileea
Aileea
Betaas

I see you're using military ranks for the sky people.You should create your own fantasy ranks. This is a situation I haven't had to face yet, so I'm not sure exactly the best approach. Maybe use some type of ranks for air. Such Aviator, Gryphon Rider or what the name of the birds are known as. You could look in historical cultures and altar certain ranks. Mongols had the term Bahadur for a chief. But this is something you can change anytime. So use the ranks you have till you can think of better alternatives.

Also the part goes on and on in exposition paragraphs. Once you finish at another stopping point. I would go back and try to use ways to show readers some of the information. If still seems too large see if any can be removed completely, or added back in at other times. I think two things you should keep in eye on your writing this story is your description and your pacing. Also you could try using thought descriptions in your writing. Using thoughts is a great way to get your readers into the minds of your characters nd I strongly suggest that.

In descriptions you seem to miss key elements that if used properly can really grab your readers. I would suggest studying, writing the 5 senses. Your pacing needs to move your story forward always. I recommend increasing the action in the beginning showing the danger the men are facing initially, with a fast pace beginning. I would push the major into having to make a decision in haste to quicken his orders to all enter the gateway. I would even recommend descriptions of the journey through the gate. You use tunnel in the title, maybe describe what the major sees, maybe it's like being vacuumed through a tunnel to the other side in peed of light, maybe you see stars and feel like you go through space tunneling into the new world. Just come up with description that will bring your readers though the tunnel with your characters.

The middle seems best, but adding more showing the sea peoples lifestyle with descriptions is suggested. Maybe they take some of the soldiers with them when they go out o hunt. Your soldiers pend a whole week with the sea people, give your readers scenes of your mean interacting with them during the week, or at least a small narrated summary if nothing else of the different things they do together. I still suggest using the gathering of the sea people, great opportunity to pull your readers in the sea peoples culture. What do they look like during the gathering, do they wear costumes, paint, and what patterns do they paint their faces. I would suggest doing a little research on tribal cultures.

The last part needs most changes in pacing, seems to drag out after the soldiers are captured and being taken back as prisoners. One solution is to shorten to a short time. You could throw in some more descriptions of unique terrain the keep your readers interest. Since they are higher in the air, you could take advantage of that moment and give some great visual descriptions of the ringworld from a closer view point. Mybe they see waterfalls falling from the ringworld, maybe an interesting type of double rainbow effect using the two suns with the waterfall. Maybe the see birds flying on the ringworld, or some giant like elephant in grasslands. There is a lot of imagery you could be taking advantage of in this story.