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Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Zypher ~ The Steamy Clockpunk Author Icon,

Thanks for your entry in "The Weekly Quickie Contest" Open in new Window.. I'm here to review your story. Please remember these are just the opinions of one person, and in the end you must always do what's best for your story.

Did the story follow the prompt?
You mention a last day together, but I don't see any other indication in the story about what is driving this couple apart. I apologize if it's there and I missed it.

Overall thoughts:
I like the way you wove in the sounds of the clocks with the action in this story. It added some fantastic background and description and another layer to the story.

The story was difficult to read in the single block of text. Maybe consider paragraph breaks with an extra line break between each one to make the text easier for the eye to follow.



Thanks for your sexy entry *Smile*

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2
Review of Sacrifice  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, MD Maurice Author Icon,

Thanks for your entry in "The Weekly Quickie Contest" Open in new Window.. I'm here to review your story. Please remember these are just the opinions of one person, and in the end you must always do what's best for your story.

Did the story follow the prompt?
You did an incredible job with your interpretation of the prompt. This was a touching and moving last moment, and not one I would have thought of. Great job.


Overall thoughts:
This was a beautiful story. Your description is vivid, but not distracting in such a short space. You've got tantalizing mixtture of emotions, leaving the tale with a bittersweet loveliness. The moment ended perfectly for the tale, in my opionion. You did fantastically.


Great job with the prompt, and thanks for your sexy entry *Smile*

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3
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Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an entertaining and well-written piece. I enjoyed that you covered both sides of the argument, and that you did so with what I thought was a fair amount of accuracy. You've touched on the questions of omniscience and omnipotence that most people don't, and it shows that you thought through this series of conversations.

The beginning was a slow start - I liked that Gabriel was involved with all of these dead people, and obviously getting along with them, but I think you tried to work too many of them in. The series of dropped names bogged things down at first.

However, as things moved on, and we got to see him interract with the atheist, it really picked up. Your dialogue was snappy, and your descriptions surrounding it really helped paint a full picture. Great job there.

What really got me was the ending - I didn't see it coming, but I absolutely thought it appropriate. For a being like that, I suspect the only thing you can't do is stop being God. You wrapped things up in a great way.

I enjoyed reading this quite a bit, both the content and the technical structure. Great job and keep writing.
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Review of The Perfect Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't have an in depth or critical review to offer of this piece, but wanted to send my thoughts anyway. This is a great poem, the message is clear and the humor comes shining through. Your pacing is solid - I didn't stumble over any line and my eye was guided through to the very end. Great job *Bigsmile*
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Review of Star Mail  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm stopping by your port as a fellow member of "Let's Publish!" Open in new Window..

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I'm eliminating most of my standard format from this review because I don't think this piece is in a state yet where that kind of detail can be delved into. Right now this is definitely in rough draft form.

It's an interesting underlying plot. It's got some great sci-fi merit. A young man's interest in science, studied on plants, leads him to be able to communicate with beings off-world.

Your execution needs some work before it can be considered publishable. There are a few things to work on, first is dialogue. Most casual conversation is not so formal, not in American English anyway. We speak in slang, with conjunctions, and each person's speach patterns differentiate them from other people. Age plays a factor in that, as does personality. If you're looking for a good example of this, go pick up any New York Times bestseller and just read a few pages. Most people also don't use each other's names often in conversation. Maybe once or twice in the course of the entire conversation, unless there are multiple people involved, but for the most part, they won't address each other by name very often.

You could also work some more description in with your dialogue. The two don't need to be separate. When someone talks, their actions and interractions with their environment help describe surroundings, mood, and personality. This is also a great opportunity to eliminate dialogue tags like 'he replied' or 'she asked'.

A sample from your piece:
“Thank you for the award. Maybe I will be back next year.”

After the judges leave, his father walks up and finds him looking down at his certificate. “Did you win an award, Henry?”

“Yes, Dad, the most unusual experiment.”

“They award only one of those each year.”

Not sounding very excited, he replies, “That is true, Dad.”

This is a ten year-old boy talking to his father. It's true, he's very intelligent, but he's still young. So I might expect something more like:

"Thanks for the award." Henry feels disappointment at not having won a ribbon, but knows he needs to be polite. "I'll think about coming back again."

Long after the judges leave, Henry's father finds him studying the certificate. The older man rests a reassuring hand on his son's arm. "It looks like you won an award."

Henry's disappointment swells. "I guess."

His father looks the certificate over for a moment, squeezing Henry's shoulder. "Most unusual experiment? You know they only award one of those a year."

Though the words are meant to sooth, Henry finds no solice in them. "Yeah, I guess."

You wouldn't rewrite it exactly like that, but it's an example. This way we know father and son are close. We see speach patterns in Henry that dictate how he talks. We get to feel his disappointment, and we're drawn in closer to the main character.

Like I said, I think you have a good plot point, but you need to clean up your execution first before a detailed review can be done. Take a look at some other work you enjoy and try and pick apart things like description and dialogue to translate the same ideas to your own writing.

Best of luck with this!



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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
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Review of Giron's Crucible  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very intriguing take on a classic formula. You've laid out hints of what's to come, but made it so they were only tiny doubts until you got the end of the story. I like how you describe Sir Maxwell's armor in the beginning, and then show his own perspective on it change as the story progresses. I also really liked the hints that you dropped in the forest - how he had seen the ravaged countryside but was perceptive at least to notice the lush greenery around him. And your dragon's arguments were sound and reasonable.

I'm not so good with tiny grammar details, only glaring ones, and this looked technically clean to me as well as being a solid tale. I only saw one tiny area for improvement but I don't think it's necessary, only something for you to consider - at the end, the dragon suggests 'Use Them' and Maxwell knows exactly what this means. You show his contenplation, my suggestion would be just a line or two more about what he contemplates. You don't even have to move past the vaugeries, just give a little more of a hint.

Overall this is a great work - it has all of the elements that a solid short story needs, and the potential to lead into something much larger. Great job and welcome to writing.com
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Review of The Edge  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a great bit, I really enjoyed reading it. I flitted over because you referenced Chuck Palahniuk in your description and I'm a fan of his work. I'll admit I don't know if you succeeded in channeling or not, I can't say either way, but the voice that you've got here is still outstanding and compelling.

I like the way you have the narrator talking to the reader - that's a hard device to pull off and I think you succeeded. You've also got a great deal of subtle humor in here, and the casual form of narration makes the story flow and makes it easy to read. I also enjoyed the way you slid from now into the past and then the now again. I liked the way you referred back to events of the past, and then added an addendum later telling us why the main character actually left.

I think this was my favorite line:
You sit here, go tappa-tappa-tappa at your keyboard, we pay you. Understand? Excellent!

There was only one thing that made this a little awkward to me. The first few paragraphs seemed wordy to me. There were several places where you repeated phrases in your descriptions. I think you did this for effect, but it started to weigh the pacing down. As things moved along though, that thinned out. It got less wordy and became more enjoyable.

This is a great piece, and I hope you plan on posting more work, I'd be very interested in reading it.
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Review of Cerulean Blue  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was such a beautiful story. You painted a vivid picture both of word and emotion, and really drew the reader in. I especially enjoyed the way you stretched the moment out, the say way Lynn was stretching it out for herself. It was just a matter of 'time passed slowly' you showed us what she was thinking and feeling and all of the turmoil she was going through. This really extended things and let the reader feel like they were there and a part of this scene.

There was some confusion for me about both the now gone son and the new daughter. It took me until the end of the story to figure out that the daughter had been adopted as an infant and I never quite figured out if the son was from a previous marriage or something else. Both of these details could use just a little more explaining and you've done an excellent job with the rest of the detail here so I know you can work it in.

Overall, this is well written and amazing. I didn't see any technical flaws and the story telling was enthralling. Keep writing!
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Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
First of all, I agree with the points that you state here. I do have a couple of suggestions to help make things more clear, at least these were points where I got confused.

The way this starts just jumps right into the middle of an issue and doesn't backtrack for a few paragraphs, so without the brief description, the reader doesn't know what they're reading talking points for. In fiction, it's great to start the reader out in the middle of the action, but in an essay like this, it works better to state your point up front and then provide your details to back it up after. I think a good starting point for this would just be to move your third paragraph to be your first.

You've provided a lot of great 'pros' for your point of view here, it feels like it jumps around a lot though. You focus on crime in general at the beginning and end, but zoom in specifically on substance related convictions in the middle. If this is the aspect of the essay that you'd like to highlight, consider making that a more smooth transition. Maybe something that states that while this applies to any and all convicted criminals, you'd like to specifically examine the plight of drug related convictions.

Great job with this, and thanks for the fantastic read!
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Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm back and I'm sorry it took so long for me to get to this next review. I actualy ready this a while back, but never had a chance to send you my thoughts.

*Note6* Plot:
Things start to go into more detail in this act - we get an idea of where the plot is going, what's happening, who's the 'bad-guy', etc. This is great since you're reaching the middle of the story. The thing I like that you're doing here is revealing story progression through your dialogue. With a play, there's not really room for foreshadowing through narration, it's all dependent on the actor's portrayal of a character and their dialogue. I think your story is staying true to that fact. Great job.

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
I was confused on your scene/setting notes with each scene here. After the first one, they all start with 'same as the previous, except...' and this tripped me up, because I didn't know which part of the 'previous' you were referring to. I'd suggest (and this is me not knowing play formatting), spelling out the setting at the beginning of each scene, even if it's repeated from before.


*Note6* Style/Voice:
This maintains the same voice as the previous act. There's a casual feel to it and it all reads easily. I suspect that it would be a lot of fun to watch it played out as well. There's a light-hearted tone to it, despite the deeper drama. I think this is great, but be careful of it if you're looking to tell a more serious story.

*Note6* Characters:
Miranda: Reality check: You’re ten.
Really? I had no idea up to this point that she was only ten. Nothing about her personality, reactions, speach patterns, indicated that to me. She's very mature and well spoken for a ten year-old.

You introduce a lot of new characters in this act, and they each have distinct personalities. I liked that a lot, and you did a great job of staying true to each of them.

There was one piece of character development that I didn't agree with, and this may be because I don't know where the story is going exactly, but right now it stands out a lot. The conversation with Juliet and Gregory seems long and uncessacary to me. It's great that you want to explain his personal motives, but since he dies here, and they are his personal motives, I don't think you need them unless they play into the play in the last act. It's also a bit 'exponsitiony'. The long narration by the villian explaining his plans is cliche' and a plot device I personally don't agree with.

The funeral scene here is great character development for the women. Their dialogue says so much about their character and since they continue to be a part of the ongoing story, this is a great way to show us who we're dealing with - who the 'bad-guys' are.

I like Christopher. You've conveyed him as a true believer, and that's great character development. You made him a very plausible character.

*Note6* Grammar:
Clairesse: It is nice, isn’t it? A bit to yellow, but very nice, all the same. I hope it all gets hacked off. *exits, dignified*
should be 'too yellow'.


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
You mentioned in response to my last review that the trends, speach patterns, etc, are an amalgamation of all sorts of times in the US and England over the past however many centuries. That really stood out in this piece, with the references to Kool-aid, Ozzy Osbourne, etc. I have thoughts surrounding that and this is definitely personal preference, since modern media doesn't stick to this concept. For me, you have to have a reason for that happening. Your technology, societal advances, etc, should happen for a reason. For instance, if a society has cross-galaxy space technology and have figured out something like 'warp' technology, they probably aren't still using gunpowder powered weapons. Stuff like that. So the writer's job would be to make me believe that in this society, language has evolved so that some people still speak nineteenth century english, but others use modern slang, and that Ozzy Osbourne has managed to evolve his music as we know it in the midst of all of this.

The story overall continues to move and grow and reveal snippets of its plot. I'm very curious now as to what the underground movement is trying to overthrow, why Juliet is on the 'outside' and what her heritage has to do with all this, and who the villian is here. Since the story is only 2/3 over, those are all great questions for me to be asking. You have me wondering, guessing, and wanting to read to find out more. I'm rating this a little low because of the reasons I listed above, but I still think you have a solid story underlying here. The last act will say for sure, but as of now I'm still intrigued and that means good story-telling despite technical issues.



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Review of The Building  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm stopping by your port as a fellow member of "Let's Publish!" Open in new Window..

*Note6* Title:
The title is innocuous, not hinting at all what's in this story. I think it's appropriate because it goes along with the mounting tension that you've created.

*Note6* Plot:
This was good plot. You've relied on a great writing device that few authors employ successfully - sleight of hand. The twist at the end is subtle, it isn't in your face, and that's what makes it so great. Sorry, I'm being vague, but I don't want to spoil the plot for other readers *Smile* Basically, you give the readers all the hints, you lay out the little details indicating how things will end, but you blend them into the background so that it doesn't look obvious. And at the end you don't come right out and say what happened, making that part of things even better.

*Note6* Style & Voice:
The first person voce here works for this story. It gives us an idea not only of this individual's thoughts, but of how she views the city around her, and lets us feel her fear when appropriate.

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
I can see the little glimpses of the city that you provide and though it's really only background, I get a feel for what it's like. You do a good job of pulling me into a place I've only seen from a distance, making it feel familiar.

*Note6* Characters:
We don't get a strong feel for who this main character is. I get the impression that she has a certain disdain for the way the people around her ignore the beauty of the city they live in, and that she's curiuos, but that's it. I don't know if you need a lot more about her, but maybe some more personal thoughts would help me relate to her better. Is she thinking about her work day, or maybe what she's going to make for dinner, when she encounters this building? Is she worried about that essay she didn't turn in at school, or maybe wondering how long it will take her mother to call the cops if she vanishes? Little things like that will help the reader care more about what happens to this person.

*Note6* Grammar:
*Bullet* The traffic on the streets with the rushing cars and people hurriedly moving down the sidewalks, ignoring pedestrian crosswalks.
I think I see what you're trying to say here, but this sentence had a few problems to me. Since it starts with the traffic, that looks like the subject, but does that mean that the traffic is ignoring the crosswalks? It's also a little long. I know we talk like this (at least, I do), but it consider changing it for narration purposes and breaking it into two sentences to convey the two different subjects of rushing cars and pedestrians.

*Bullet* See, for all the years I have lived in this city I never realized the stone statues perched high on one of the buildings ledges.
'I never realized the stone statues' doesn't sound right to me. Maybe either 'I never noticed the...' or 'I never realized there were...'

*Bullet* I can’t even find a sign to give me some clue as to what the building was for.
Can't should be couldn't, since this is past tense narration.

*Bullet* probably trying to scare me. What a waste of a few bucks, I thought.

When I started down the alley that would likely lead me to the back, he raised his hand at me.

“Oh miss, please don’t do that...” But I was already gone. I was going to conquer this mystery.

I'm not certain on this, but I think these paragraphs/sentences may need to be rearranged a little bit to keep people and their actions with what they're saying:
probably trying to scare me.

What a waste of a few bucks, I thought. I started down the alley that would likely lead me to the back.

He raised his hand at me. “Oh miss, please don’t do that...”

But I was already gone. I was going to conquer this mystery.

*Bullet* It was not especially late but the sky was overcast with dark clouds which were half covered and out of site because of the buildings looming over me.
I guess this isn't really gramatical, but it still stood out to me. You've already mentioned that the buildings in this city race toward the sky. Since the point of this description is to tell us how dark it is outside in general, I think you just need to mention the clouds. I didn't feel it was neccesary to mention that the tall buildings covered them.

*Bullet* Then I tried to turn my head and face my attacker, suddenly remembering the incident in the locked room. However, when I tried turning my head and lifting my arms I didn’t get a response.
This was a little awkward and redundant to me. I think you could rearrange it and tighten it a little and still keep the same meaning:
The incident in the locked room came back to me and I tried to turn my head, looking for my attacker. My head didn't respond, nor could I lift my arms.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Something to keep an eye on in general here is your use of adverbs. Some are okay, it's difficult to avoid their use entirely (see? *Wink*) but there are many situations where they can be replaced with something more 'showing'. For instance, instead of having someone 'ask quietly' you can have 'I asked, my soft voice vanishing into the darkness.' and instead of 'assured calmly' you can have 'the calm reassurance of the voice was overridden by the fact that it was closer now than before.' Or something like that.

I gulped so loud I was sure it would have echoed off the walls too.
This is a great descriptive line.

Overall you have the great basis of a story. It could use a little fleshing out character-wise, and some sentence rewording to give your words more impact, but overall you've told a great tale that captivates and ends appropriately. Great job on this!


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12
12
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reviewer's note (standard disclaimer on almost all my reviews): The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* Plot:
An orphaned girl is finding her place in the world through a life of petty theft after being tossed aside by an aunt who probably forged Juliet's mother's will. It's too early for me to tell here, but something to be careful of - portions of this read a lot like Oliver Twist meets Great Expectations. I know, not many people are fans of Dickens these days, just be wary of cliche's that you may encounter when writing about orphens and pick-pockets and theives and underprivileged children turning rich (which may not be where the story is going, it's just one guess I have at this point).

I wasn't sure I got the point of the conversation with the baker when Juliet is distracting him. I understand that she's pulling his attention away from his cart, but I didn't know if his answers were meant to be comedic, sarcastic, part of something in this world that we don't know about yet, or just silly. If it's anything besides part of the story later on, consider toning it down a little. It's silly funny, but it's out of place here otherwise.

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
Since this is a script, I don't know how much setting is appropriate. However, I had a hard time picturing the time and place that this was taking place. The dialogue confused me further on that. Some of it was very formal, as in old-fashioned formal, but the way the kids spoke was very much full of slang and modern. Maybe in your 'curtain' section include a year, or a reference to clothing style, something that would give us a hint of time and place for this story.


*Note6* Characters:
Going back to dialogue, some of it seem very formal and some of it not. I think that's okay as long as you keep it consistent within a character, and overall it fits together. For instance, if this is set in the 19th century, make sure the slang the children use when alone is appropriate to the time period. If it's a more modern story, the adults may speak with a more proper tone grammar wise, but few people talk so formally these days.

On to specific character building - I like the way you've started introducing Juliet here. She's mouthy, but intelligent. She won't be pushed around, she knows how to think through a problem, and she's kind but not stupid about her generosity. She's the kind of character that a reader/viewer will both like and be able to relate to.

Eithne is shown from the beginning to be a ruthless woman. There's no proof at this point of Juliet's accusations against her, but her personality and attitude definitely lead the reader to believe it's a possiblilty. This is a great way to lead us to conclusions. Something you may consider with her, not a must, but a thought. Make her kind in front of other people (the priest for instance), if she's truly the villian in this story. If she's not the villian, leave her as is and let people think she is.

I like Geb as well. He seems more trusting, a great contradiction for a pick-pocket and something I think you should leave just as it is. He's friendly, he's good-natured, and he's a little clumsy. And we can already see the admiration he has for Juliet. It hints at a closer friendship as the story progresses, but it's too early to tell if that's true or not.

*Note6* Grammar:
I only saw one thing that stood out to me. At the begining you use mam and it should be ma'am

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Keep in mind that a lot of my comments here are based on the fact that I've only read the first entry of this. If questions I ask are answered later on, no need to answer them now. You've done your part in creating reader interest in that case, leading them to keep reading (or watching in this case) to find out the rest of what's going on. For intance - what happend to Juliet's rude aunt? We saw her in scene 1, and then we have what appears to be an orphan living on the street for the remainder of this section.

In written story telling, revealing so much plot and underlying motivation through dialogue isn't good. However, I know this is a script and so much of what you have to work with is dialogue, so you have to fit a lot more in. I think you've done a good job of revealing portions of the story without giving away where things are going. You've fed out bits and pieces at a time, and that really makes me want to keep going to find out more. For instance, talking about Juliet's lineage but not going into detail. This is a great device and a good way to keep interest.

Overall, you've got a great character in Juliet. I think I see where this story is going, and that means that you're layiing out your foreshadowing properly, and you've built a stong, likable female lead. Work on normalizing the dialogue and giving us a time and place point of reference, and I think you'll have a fantastic opener that will draw in your viewer and keep them waiting for the next curtain.




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13
13
Review of Eternally Yours  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm stopping by your port as a fellow memebr of "Let's Publish!" Open in new Window..

*Note6* Plot:
This is definitely an interesting story idea, and I think the biggest draw-back to it is that it's limited to the short story format. You've got complex plot elements, twists, turns, and convenient coincidence that would be more compelling in a longer story.

For instance, at the end of the story, you explain a great deal, almost all, of the back story and the motivation, in a single letter. Most of the information in the letter isn't contained, or even hinted at anywhere else in the story. Even in a story with a twist, hints should be there, hidden or not. Otherwise the reader will feel cheated.

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
There's not a lot of description that goes into each of your settings, but they aren't crucial to the plot so I think that's okay. You did spend some time describing the outside of Hillary's house, and this may have been a point to give us some insight about her character. Maybe it was well manicured except for one or two things being out of place. Since a key plot-point took place inside the house but not outside, maybe consider moving that description to be more of the inside of the house.

*Note6* Characters:
I found it difficult to relate to David. As the story starts off he comes across as timid, but within moments he's not only introducing himself to a complete stranger but asking her to dinner. Given the way the story ends, this may have been a great place to have Hillary be the agressor instead, even if it's subtle. Maybe she leads him into asking her out.

Also, I was surprised by his reaction to the death. Running away was a little strange to me, but not unbelievable. But then burning his clothes and all that. It all rang as implausible to me.

*Note6* Grammar:
I didn't see any glaring grammar issues. Your letter from Hillary would have been easier to read if it were broken out, but as a letter from a frantic individual it does make sense, so that doesn't necessarily need to be fixed.


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
Like I said at the begining, I think you have a good idea for a story. The twists and turns are creative and I can see that you put thought into it. I do feel like it's more of a story outline though than a story. The plot points are explained to the reader rather than shown to them, and things move too quickly without explanation. If you decide to expand this piece, I'd be very interested in re-reading it.



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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
14
14
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
It's difficult for me to pick which of the two of these is my favorite. The first held my attention captive overall, sucking my heart in from the start and conveying emotion that I could both feel and relate to. The second didn't start out as powerfully, at least to me, but I thought it finished with a great deal more impact.

In the first I very much liked the way you compared tears to rain and then drew a range of metaphor to conincide with that, conveying physical feeling to go with the psychological.

In the second, this is where the piece just grabbed me and didn't let go:
I should be setting out for the afterlife,
shouldn't I?
It was so subtle, but powerful, especially with the lines that followed.

Both were wonderful in their own right. Great job!

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Nothing stood out to me as needing correction.

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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama Author IconMail Icon



*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
15
15
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I like this flowing description of music. The way you expressed your thoughts are very appropriate to the subject, moving like a well written tune and bringing the start and finish together in a tuneful symphony. I like the combination of real life examples and metaphor that you used to convey your meaning. Great job!

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
You have a lot of instances of repeated words and for the most part I see how they're very much a part of the rhthym you're creating. However, one stood out to me:
it runs, it runs along the music notes
Consider removing 'music' here, i think it will help this line flow better.

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16
16
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is, in my opinion, one of the purest forms of erotica that there is. It's not graphic, it's meaning is all conveyed through innuendo and it lets the imagination race with the possibilities of what come after. This was steamy, enticing, and very delicious to read.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
As a more subtle piece, there were just two places that seemed out of place and almost too obvious amidst this beautiful innendo:
you harden against me
and
wet me



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*Note2* Let Your Muse Shine Through *Note2*
17
17
Review of A 6"x6" Box  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
The description of this piece set a tone and I braced myself. When I started to read, I was struck by an odd sort of ambivilence and I don't know if it was because of the foreshadwing of the title and description or something else, but I realized that though this piece starts with a simple list of items, there's a lot of impact in that list.

I was hooked and I had to read on to find out where this thought stemmed from. Learning about both Amber and Trista was a meloncholy journey that tugged at my heart. You made me feel the same sympathy and desire to help this now passed on individual as much as you did. And I felt like ending things the same way they started, especially after showing us how everything arrived at that point, was a very effective wrap-up.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
I saw nothing that needed improvement. This is stunning as it is.

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18
18
Review of A Brother's Duty  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

You were the only entrant this round, however your story was fantastic and deserving of an award anyway. I'll be sending your ribbon shortly, and 5,000 GP are attached to this review. You also get all 25 of the raffle tickets I have for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Congratulations and thanks for a fantastic entry!

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
You did a wonderful job of bringing life and depth to this character that wasn't your own. You showed us the diversity of Jacob's character through his actions throughout the story.

I would have liked to see more information in this story. I think you've got a great tale here, and wanted more of it. Expand some of the scenes, give us more detail about the environemnt they're in, interject some more dialogue, things like that.

Overall this was a great piece and an enjoyable read. Thank you for your entry and your wonderful story.

*Idea* Just a couple of suggestions:
*Bullet* Being it was his sister, he had to help her, so asked to get her address.
This sentence was awkward to me. ithink its becuase its missing a word. Suggestion:
Being it was his sister, he had to help her, so he asked to get her address.
It also might be better if you showed him asking rather than telling us he did.

*Bullet* The mail list, which recorded all the incoming mail over the last few days, displayed Pam’s address. All incoming letters needed return addresses, and he had a hunch she’d sent one in the last few days.
These two sentences were redundant. I think you can remove the first one and still convey the same meaning.

*Bullet* It took the whole week for Jacob to work up the nerve to visit Pam’s home on Saturday, his day off. Knowing she would most likely be home around 10:30pm, he pulled up in front of her broken down house and saw lights on inside
Something to consider when you start a new scene. Rather than giving a brief explanation right off of what has passed, jump right into the scene and work in any missing details as things go on. Suggestion:
Jacob checked the clock in his dashboard as he pulled up in front of Pam's home. It was 10:30 pm, so he figured she should be home. The lights were on in the broken down home, confirming his suspicions. The same nervousness that had kept him from visiting her for the last week still clawed at him.


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19
19
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was fantastic and informative. I'm approaching this information from the perspective of someone who knows the surface details, but doesn't know all of the underlying things you touched on like the M0-M3 types of money. That was the most educational about this to me and I thought you did a great job of explaning it in an easy to understand manner.

You give an example of a bank in Brazil that had to close its doors because of a run. If you'd like a more recent example, IndyMac bank in California in the US had to do this just last month (or the month before). There was a run on the bank, they had to shut their doors, and the federal government here stepped in and took control of the bank and its assets because the accounts were FDIC insured.

Because money is virtual! There isn’t enough physical money in the world to cover the amount generated by banks in the form of interest. So there you go. Money is created by computers and is just numbers in a computer.
This is both my favorite part of this article and the scariest part of it.

The subject matter here is dry, but that's not your fault. It's probably the reason more people dont' know these things *Bigsmile* I thought though that you did a great job of making it easy to understand and straightforward.

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
The first thing that confused me is the description of bonds, but I think that's because I've always been confused by this. I understood what you were saying about the nature of bonds, but I guess really the thing I didn't understand is where are they purchased and if the government wants them back early, how do they let people know? Is it something that happens at banks, on the stock market, or somewhere else?

Next thing that caught my eye - you used savings accounts as an example of M0 liquid assets, but then you list savings accounts (at least it looked to me) under M2-M1+


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20
20
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm stopping by your port as part of Wear a Black Case Week Check out "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. To see what it's all about.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This is a very clevery poem, it made me smile to read it. I like how you made a little mini story out of things - presenting the conflict and then slowly working into the resolution. And the little plays on words here and there make it that much more enjoyable. I say very well done *Bigsmile*

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
I didn't see anything that needed improvement. The flow was great, the meaning was there, great job!


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21
21
Review of Times of Trial  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

I'm stopping by your port as part of Wear a Black Case Week Check out "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. To see what it's all about.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was a very enjoyable read. It almost feels...wrong...to review something with the message this has, but reviewing is what I do, and so I must. The way this starts almost lost me, not immediately, but with the up front block of description of the classroom. However, as I continued I realized that overall you've done a great job of working description into the story itself instead of lumping it into its own places. I very much enjoyed Carly's observations about both the class and the professor, you breathed a lot of life into this individual and I liked him because he was observant, intelligent, and not afraid to speak his mind.

This is an intelligent and insightful piece, and I'm guessing you'll lose some readers that way. I say good, make 'em think. You've done just that in a good way, and anyone who refers to Twain the way you did draws me in even further. I'm hoping there's more to this because I can see it becoming a compelling character story and one that more writers should read and consider. The points you raised are valid, presented in a unique voice, and entertaining. Too many people focus on the 'rules' and forget that the point is getting the point across. Great job and welcome to WDC!


*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
There were a few spots where I thought someone was speaking and realized it was either the writing on the chalkboard or the eyebrows speaking (I thought that was very clever as well). I'd suggest putting these parts either in italics or single quotes to help them stand out from spoken dialogue.


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22
22
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Just My Personal Opinion:
Keeping all of your items in one main folder is a great way to give visitors more of a feeling for your port than can be conveyed in the short space of the bioblock. The explanations and links that you have for everything are wonderful, helping me know exactly where to go. I've stumbled upon some ports where their explanation are just confusing, but you've made it all straightforward and it's a pleasure to browse through your port *Bigsmile*


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23
23
Review of Mage's Intrigue  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note6* Just My Personal Opinion:
I skimmed this yesterday (which is how I know it's ribbon worthy *Smile* ) and I really want to come back and review all 4 parts. I just keep not getting back to reviewing until its too late at night and I know this deserves my full attention. But I can tell you that I like what you've got here, and I hope its not something that your muse has completely abandoned *Bigsmile*

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24
24
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewer's note: I am reviewing and judging your entry in "Adopt-a-Newbie Contest [On Hiatus]" Open in new Window., thank you for taking the time to submit your work. The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*

*Note6* Scene/Setting:
You painted all of your stages well, giving me a clear image in my mind of what was happening, but the bit that really shone for me was the description of the sand coming to life, and the space ship that was created. That was so wonderfully vivid and well written.

*Note6* Characters:
I really enjoyed the way you created the character of Timmy. The mention that he loved the sand and why he wanted it brought so much life and depth to this character. And in turn, that his grandfather provided it added something there as well. Wonderful job of builing up both of these individuals throughout the story.

*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
This was a beautiful tale of imagination and discovery, and a joy to read. You laid out Timmy's anticipation and imagination and Grandfather's appreciation of it all so well that I got sucked into the story and stayed there until the very end. Again, my favorite part was the spaceship - you painted a magic into this climax of your story that breathed the same life into it that your characters experienced. Great job, and good luck in the contest!

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
*Bullet* He had begged his grandfather for the sand since the temperature had gotten above freezing outside.
I know that a lot of us have it drilled into us that passive voice is always bad and to avoid it at all costs, however, there are some times when it's appropriate. In the above, I think your meaning would be conveyed better if you made a little change to do just that. Suggestion:
He had been begging his grandfather for the sand since the temperature had gotten above freezing outside.

*Bullet* Robert, the boy with a Mohawk, lived with his mom and aunt
I don't think 'Mohawk' needs to be capitalized (though I could be wrong *Smile*). Also though, I loved this description - the thought of a first grader with a mohawk was a nice touch of variety.

*Bullet* The back porch light was turned on as Grandfather sat on the steps watching Timmy plot his first move. The old man envied the innocence of his grandson’s imagination.
Consider starting a new paragraph between these two sentences to help keep Timmy's play and Grandfather's observation of it separate.


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25
25
Review of A LOVE TRIANGLE  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Reviewer's note: Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. The comments below are just my opinion. Take only what you need and leave the rest, or leave it all. Ultimately, this is your piece and your voice *Smile*


*Note6* My Personal Opinion:
I glanced at the page here and thought 'Poetry, I don't know if I can review this'. However, your use of the artform and proper prose made it a very pleasant, enjoyable read. The way you split the three points of view out was a great way to approach this. One thing that stood out to me distinctly was that you worked character development into each series of stanza's, giving me a strong feeling for each point of view and drawing me into their thoughts as deeply as any wordy novel. Great job!

*Note6* Did this follow the spirit of the contest?:
The conclusion to this love triangle was to me, still formulaic. Two friends who fight over a woman and in the end she picks the one who is better for her. However, the way you chose to tell it was very unique, earning you extra points *Bigsmile*

*Idea* I have very few specific suggestions:
Nothing stood out to me as needing fixed. I know little about poetry forms, but I believe you captured this one well and it all flowed smoothly



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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