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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/acemanu412
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39 Public Reviews Given
39 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Never, And Again  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
Great piece! Very emotional and succinct. Love it.
Suggestions!

I think you forgot an interrogation sign at the end of this dialog.
“Arthur?” there was fear in her voice and he wondered if deep down she knew “Is something wrong./?”

It was nice reviewing you, James Heyward!
2
2
Review of Crystal's Charms  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
Oh, what a journey this was. It was great! A bit grandiloquent at times, but if I read it a bit more like poetry that I would prose, it read excellent. And just the sheer variety of vocabulary. Truly, great piece.

Suggestions!
None really. Every complain I could possibly have is stylistic and very clearly a choice — not an error — in your part. And I do believe the piece fulfills its purpose.

It was nice reviewing you, Dave!
3
3
Review of Marta's Prey  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
I like your commitment to the characters. They all have a very James Bond villain sort of feel to them. I'll have to read the rest of the series.

I checked your DeviantArt by the way. It was great!

Suggestions!
Most of my suggestions have to do with something that happened all through the text. If you find one of them useful, I encourage you to revise the text looking for similar instances.

Considering the piece has the world 'bitch' in it, I would revise the rating! (I might be wrong., though. As I said, English is my second language)
Now was not the time, however, to bitch about furniture.

'in a nice way' felt underwhelming. Perhaps there is a more descriptive word choice.
The silky softness of her wine red dress clung to her body in a nice way.

When I read the next sentence I couldn't help asking myself 'What kind of people?'
Not the trashy, bright white teeth people got done, but a natural, properly done job.

I insist on revising the rating.
Blue jeans, a white tank top, and a leather jacket, casual dress, which told Marta this woman didn't give a s*** what she thought of her.

I advise you to use more contractions on your dialogues.
"Sit down, just sit the hell down," Marta waved her wine glass, "I am/I'm not insulting you, I amI/m merely verifying it. The last girl I hired screwed up royally. She will/She'll be paying for it for the rest of her life. Yes. I willI'll hire you, but there are several things we must go over."

I didn't understand the meaning of the following sentence
Marta smiled, noting how her look was having on Violet after she mentioned about the former employee of hers. Lorenzo always said she was like a tigress.

I think there's a tense issue on that work. Also on the 'which'
You work/worked till you die/died or try/tried to leave, which/in which case you would die then as well. Or something worse might happen.

I notices there are certain words I don't think you don't need throughout the story. I'll give you a couple of examples.
She had truly made her first move, revealing that she knew far more than Violet suspected.

The way it was handled, Marta wasn't sure if she could do better herself.

I didn't understand what you mean to say here.
"I suppose to be fair, I will tell you a little of my plan..."

The punctuation felt very confusing in the following sentence!
It was like any other fancy parlor in a rich person's house, with the exception of one thing, leaning against the couch, a woman sat on the floor.


It was nice reviewing you, ScottGrisham!
4
4
Review of Cleaning up  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!

This story, like other I've read, also has a cool final twist. You've got a knack for those, I think.

Suggestions!

I felt that 'watching' used without an object was kind of tricky. Perhaps there could be a different verb with a similar meaning.
Next morning, I stood in a shadowed place watching.

I also felt the PoV shift on the final paragraph was a bit sudden. Maybe it could be formatted in a way that could set it apart or give us a warning

As always, nice reviewing you again, Jacky!
5
5
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)




Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!

Loved this! This whole excerpt is great and creative.
I've long suspected that my offspring practised one-upmanship when it came to hurting themselves. Somewhere, there still exists an invisible scoreboard with appropriate columns and points for such items as: bloodiest wound, most bruises from a single fall, most stitches, biggest plaster cast, the greatest number of injured body parts, the keenest emergency room visitor, the most trips in an ambulance, (actually I've won this category, but not as a victim), and the piece de resistance: who has freaked Mom out the best!

Liked the use of three here. It was a gamble. I think it paid off.
Should I refer to them as accidents or adventures or misadventures? Perhaps they are incidents or predicaments? Certainly, they were unforeseen, unfortunate, and untimely.

Lovely
I'm fairly certain and unbiased as only a mother can be,

Suggestions!

I'm not sure about this one, but I think the that should probably be something more indicative of time, such as, 'during which'. I might be wrong on this one though.
In Ontario, May is recognized as the month that/ during which outdoor enthusiasts return to the fine tradition of camping.

I'm not sure if the word eventful is supposed to transmit the negativity that would prompt the sentence following it.
Camping has always been eventful for us. Don't get me wrong, we did manage to have fun.

This sentence felt a bit long to read. Perhaps a few changes such as skipping the first that and adding a few commas could help
I don't anticipate that my two daughters , who have experienced their own fair share of "incidents" , will disagree that their brother has officially won all of the above.

The use of 'appears' here felt a bit ambiguous (since the word can also mean 'seems')
My eldest appears to inform me that her brother "is stuck in an army tank".

I think you're meant to use a vocative comma.
"Hi , Mom."

This felt hard to read. Perhaps a comma would help.
Like any mother involved in the rescue of her child knows , time ceases to exist.

In this sentence, the three 'or's felt strange. Perhaps substituting the first one for a comma might help.
Perhaps it was the claustrophobic space or/, my helplessness or rising fear for my son, but I suggested something radical.

Oh, man! What a story. I do hope it's all fiction to be honest. Great read!!
It was nice reviewing you, SandraLynn!








6
6
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
I'm a sucker for fantasy, especially if it contains angels. It was fun to read!

Suggestions!
I found these little mistakes
The gentle droplets of water fall to her face but never touchestouch her.

I don't think you can say something 'has fear' in English. I'm a native Spanish speaker so I would also make that mistake. Also, I believe it's 'of the unknown', and 'instead of a reason' reads strange.
The deer behind it had an innocent fear, frightened to of the unknown instead of a reason.

I think, 'Painted' shouldn't be capitalized.
...word 'Miltown' Painted painted

I believe it's 'in the direction of...'. Also, it's usually a good idea to get rid of the passive voice when writing prose. Obviously, it's an stylistic choice but I encourage you to look at some articles that speak of the subject so you can draw your own conclusions.
The angel, unfazed and undisturbed, slowly walks to in the direction of the flames. In a matter of seconds, screams of the living could be heardThis is the passive voice sentence I was referring to.. Cries of children echoed through the forest seeking for help.

All throughout the story there seems to be some inconsistencies regarding tenses. There are too many for me to give you an extensive list so I will only give you an example. You might want to revise the tenses!
The angel steps Present tense! forward to the center of the village.

"Hey, you! Stop! It's too dangerous!" A voice said Past tense.

I believe you meant to say 'What a lunatic!'. You should also use the vocative comma.
Is she crazy? What a lunatic?! Get out of my sight, <- this is the vocative comma whore!

I'm not sure this sentence is correct since you 'rid someone/something of someone/something. Unless you are using some other phrasal such as 'get rid of'.
"May the goddess rid evil from this sacred land..."

I didn't fully understand the following sentences. It might be a good idea to double check them
In her vision was a man, a figure she menaced.I know what menace means, I don't understand how you used it here!

He was sitting on the fountain in the middle of the town, smiling with vex.What would vex mean in this context?

I believe you mean 'shocked by'. Also, the verb doesn't match the subject (the concerned villagers: Third person plural. Decides: Third person singular)
The concerned villagers, shocked to by Iris's outburst, decides to give her some space.

The other villagers notices this too late and fails to stop him. Same here.

It was nice reviewing you, Aritsou!
7
7
Review of Displaced  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
I totally made me believe in your knowledge of office procedures and atmosphere. I suspect you have lived some of that yourself. I also liked how the title augured something more sinister (or perhaps I read too much horror or fantasy) and it ended up being mundane.

Suggestions!
I don't know if you do this on purpose but there seem to be two spaces after every stop.

I don't think the story was meant to have a shocking ending or extremely exciting sequences. Myself, I found the lack of those quite refreshing. I even chuckled a bit.

It was nice reviewing you, Soldier_Mike!
8
8
Review of Sacrifice  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Praise!
I was very impressed by the story. I love stories that educate me, and this one did precisely that. It's also interesting to read a story with a point.

Suggestions!

I think the subject is missing in the following sentece.
“I deeply regret to inform that your son Flying Officer Vikram Singh lost his life in a flying accident early this morning. Death was instantaneous.”

Also, here there seems to be a formatting error when the sentence is split in the mddle
It was the first time for me

to meet and manage the bereaved next of kin,...

I noticed this several times: The exclamation signs aren't usually separated from the word preceding them by a space.
isn’t a body to show !!

As a Spanish speaker I say what you wrote next a lot. I always get corrected.
maybe of 80 years,maybe 80 years old

I think you are missing the vocative comma here.
“Yes, Sir.”

I noticed you don't use a lot of contractions during dialogues such as the next one. Maybe it's a choice. Just in case I'll show you what I mean
We walked to the edge of the concrete apron. ‘I have I've lost a son, and you have you've lost a friend. I’m sure that you have you've taken great care in arranging the funeral. Please tell me when and where you want my presence and what you want me to do. I’ll be there for everything. Later, I would I'd like to meet Vikram’s friends, see his room and, if it is it's permitted, visit his work place. I then would like to return home tomorrow morning.”

I noticed certain words are capitalized when they usually shouldn't
I remarked to my Boss,

defence than All of us combined.

That's all!
It was nice reviewing you, sindbad!
9
9
Review of Walls  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.


Things I like: I liked how I felt the story was very real thanks to you being a nurse. It felt autobiographical (Which might be the case), and it brought my attention to what healthcare professionals must be going through right now.

I also loved the sentence :"One word, horrific and appalling in its nature, traveled on a carousel of painted ponies circling in my head.". The image is fantastic.

Things I don't like: Nothing really. The insanity theme is hammered down a bit too much for my taste, but that probably the point.

I also think you missed a colon here:

"The enemy we fight is masked with invisibility The germs are random in their quest for the new host."

Conclusion:It was a good read!

It was nice reviewing you, L.A. Grawitch! Looking forward to continuing reading your stuff.
10
10
Review of Ghost of a Chance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language and I'm pretty new to reading poetry.


Things I like: The whole poem was pretty good, I think. Thank you for including the structure you were going for. I allowed me to google it and understand a bit better what you were trying to do. The repetition was great. I can also see you payed particular attention to punctuation.
Things I don't like: I do feel there was of a change in mood towards the end.

Conclusion: A pleasant read, easy to recite!

It was nice reviewing you, Fyn! Looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff.
11
11
Review of Bully  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm Manu. Please, keep in mind as you read this review that English is my second language.

Things I like: I think the idiom is 'Short and Sweet'! I liked it. Clear moral, and I can see it's an important one for you. I think it's well written.

Things I don't like: It felt a little too short but you may have had a word count limit.

Conclusion:I enjoyed it! A clear, easy read.

It was nice reviewing you, Choconut!
12
12
Review of Night Action  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Keep in mind, as you read this review, that English is my second language.

Things I like: Your spectrum of vocabulary was quite wide and I learned a ton of new words. It was also very believable, not that I'm an expert on warfare. It read like you had pretty detailed knowledge about that time period's warfare. I also loved how you finished the story. It made me laugh.
Things I don't like:As a non-native English speaker I'm not completely sure, but it seems there are some formatting errors and a couple of typos.

Conclusion: I liked it quite a bit. I'm sure that if the text was proofread again, it could be polished to perfection.
13
13
Review of The Wisp  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As you read this review, please keep in mind that English is my second language.

On that note, I couldn't follow this sentence:

The stars when one is away from man made light and the night is cloudless seem like they could be plucked from the sky.

I suspect it's probably a typing or redaction error but I can't tell.

Things I like: It's very well narrated and the style reminded me of stories from late XVII - early XIX century. Loved it.
Things I don't like: Nothing really. I think it's a good example of a story of it's genre and style.

Conclusion: Loved it!
14
14
Review of Reborn  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Keep in mind, as you read this review, that English is not my first language and I'm new to reading poetry.

Things I like: All of it really! It was very nice. I don't know how to handle free-forms very well - or, at least, what looks like a free-from to me - but this one got me hooked. Very simple in its concept really and I think it's just the right length.
Things I don't like: Nothing really!

Conclusion: Very nice poem. Great job!
15
15
Rated: E | (5.0)
Keep in mind as your read this review, that English is only my second language.

I have to say, I think it's great how you handled the dialogue. Not that I'm an expert on such things - specially as a foreigner - but it seemed very real and well done. The punch line was funny. Overall, I think it was a very good scene!

Great job!!

*I think on line 12 your forgot to close the quotes scare quotes.
16
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Review of Purple Dragon  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
When reading this, please be aware that English is my second language, and that I'm very new to reading poetry.

I loved the musicality of the poem, how you handled the theme and the character. It was a really pleasant read. I noticed a typo on the seventh verse:"go.searching". Some verses felt a bit forced but overall, I enjoyed it!

Great job!
17
17
Rated: E | (5.0)
Before reading the review keep in mind that English is my second language and that I'm new to reading poetry.

Regrettably, I can't understand the second language the poem was written in, but I really enjoyed the first one. I'm not great at reading poetry. Sometimes I'm not sure I entirely like it, but your poem had a sweetly wistful feel to it. I also liked that you included the structure of the poem at the bottom. It helped me understand what you were going for, opening the door for me to appreciate the poem on another dimension that, as an inexperienced reader, I wouldn't have thought of.

Great job!
18
18
Review of Lion Of The Sea  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'll start by saying English is not my first language, so keep that in mind.

Wow! What a story. The beginning felt expertly written and quite heartbreaking. I loved the whole thing and I don't think I have any criticism of any kind. Maybe that I felt I needed something between Herra losing her pups and her challenging the leader, as a buffer or to explain the sudden change from mourning to valiantly defying him. But that's pretty much it: I enjoyed the story a lot!

Great job!!
19
19
Review of Solace  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Let me start this review by saying that English is my second language and that I'm very new to reading poetry. Hopefully, this will still be useful for you.

I dig the lovecraftian vibe the poem has and I like the language used. It felt very direct and effective.

I think on the fifth there might be some punctuation missing although I guess there are several ways of writing this. I feel the 'though' could be between commas and after "The croaking frogs and swaying branches" there could also be a comma, but I'm not sure. As I said, English is my second language!

Great job!
20
20
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, let me say that English is not my first language and that I'm very new to reading poetry.

I feel the poem's message is well transmitted, I think (Unless I'm misunderstanding it's original intention) and I like how the grim cynicism transmutes into somewhat of a hopeful/naive message towards the end. However, some of the verses felt very long and I felt I was reading an essay with poetic language instead of a poem.

Great job!
21
21
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Keep in mind before you read this that English is my second language.

wow, what a scene! Very well done. The quality of the writing seems professional (At least to a guy like me), and I was left wanting to know more about the daughter and what had happened to her. Truly well written. Sorry I couldn't find any constructive, or even non-constructive, criticism.

Great job!!
22
22
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: English is not my first language and I'm very new to doing this sort of thing so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

I liked the interactions and I'm now curious about the rest of the world you have created. I loved the android, and the part about the insurance was great. It felt very real and yet comically out of place. Also the story is very well formatted. I could see how much you cared for presentation.

I think in line 18 you meant to write "things" instead of "thing", and I think near the end, the word "room" is repeated a bit too much.

Great job!
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