Overall Impression: I am so glad that someone is putting stuff like this out there. I am soo in agreement with you about the rising prices of oil these days. I heard that the oil companies are coming out with their first quarter results later on this week and they are expecting to hear of record profits. that makes me sick to think that they all get richer while the rest of get poorer and watch us and our country burn in effigy.
Grammar and Mechanics:I think the word-(official(s) should be plural.
Overall Impression: I absolutely loved this piece you wrote. It was such a heartfelt story!!!
Plot:Spot on! I loved the small build till the end.
Style and Voice: Great- no issues whatsoever.
Scene/Setting: the description that you added to the story was wonderful. just the perfect amount- not too much, no too little!
Characters: Simple, but fine for this short of a story. Not under done, though.
Dialog: Again, just the right amount for the story. I liked how you kept to the circumstances surrounding the story and did not add any unnecessary dialog.
Grammar and Mechanics:
no problems that I could tell!
This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy!
Overall Impression: I liked your story of payback. It was a great and entertaining read. I am so glad that I found it to read.
Plot: At first, it was a little hard to get to, but towards the end it got rolling real good.
Style and Voice:A little choppy. The voice needs to be a little more consistent and centered to make it an easier thought to process.
Scene/Setting:Description! Description! Description! They add to your story and help bring the reader into your scene. It sets the whole thing up like a movie screen with your readers sitting back and eating popcorn-enjoying the show.
Characters: I liked the little bit of a back story you used to set up your Rob character- but if you ever added onto the story it would be a great read to show him in a more unsavory light as well.
Dialog: Fine for the story constants.
Grammar and Mechanics: First of all I am wondering if you are English given your writing style? Just a few things:
‘Uh uh(,) Rob, no more. - offset someone's name when another is addressing them in dialog.
‘Nine(nine) minutes past nine(.) YOU(! or,) Sir(,) are no longer employed here’- the nine is a continuation of dialog so no capitalization is required. The sentence is a run-on and needs to be broken up with some punctuation to have it flow properly!
Suggestions: Keep writing. I loved what you did with this story and I hope that you continue!
This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy!
Overall Impression:Thank you for sharing your quaint story. I found it very humorous and being married myself, I thought it showed how how relationships are between a husband and wife. I still cannot believe that someone said that to him about being a stripper-too funny!
Suggestions: I have read a couple of your works and I thought this would be the best one to leave a review for. I find your type of writing very refreshing. It is great to see someone like you putting your work out there for others to learn from your life experiences! I hope that you continue on with your great works!!! Thanks again!
Overall Impression: I found this article under the SAJ for your shower and I am so happy that I did. I myself have been struggling with a couple extra critical reviews that have kind have shaken me to the core and made me question if I should even be doing this as a hobby, let alone trying to write a book.
You have pointed out some tips that I should be aware of while I am putting my work out there and I want to thank you for that fact!
Suggestions:
I wish more people would read this- especially new writers to the sight who think that everyone is going to give them a perfect-5star review. In fact it is not going to happen, until they hone their craft and work with it everyday it will not happen. If the newcomers would read this, they would understand that criticism-done constructively- is beneficial and is only meant to help!!!
Overall Impression: Such a cute story! I loved the little boy in the story- makes me think of my now one year old.
Plot: The Mother's Day theme was a nice touch- bringing that into the mix.
Style and Voice:Consistent. Flowed in such a nice way.
Scene/Setting: nice set up for such a short piece.
Characters: I really liked the interaction between the mother and son- natural.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Passive voice- change to an active one: . We were(delete were) cuddled on the sofa getting...
, then set it on the table(and admired it.) to be admired. -active voice again.
All of a sudden(,) During the night(,)
He stood there thinking for a moment, then said, =He stood there thinking for a moment and then said,...
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
Not a bad start for your first story.
Plot: A little hard to understand and weed through. Try plotting out the whole story from beginning to end to get a better feel for how you want it to flow and resolve not to have any inconsequential wording unless it forwards the story- establishes a relationship kinda thing.
Style and Voice: Choppy - again plotting it out and figuring out which voice would be best suited- probably First person or third. Just play with it.
Scene/Setting:use description to help set the scene. It is like salt and pepper to a dish you are going to eat- it adds depth and flavor to the story. Read others' works on here and see how they immerse you into the scene- the story.
Characters:not well established, but nicely done for your first story.
Dialog:Fine for the story.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Smiling, she said(,) “Welcome to my night estate,...- make sure you off set the dialog with some punctuation-“Ok, ok, just replying your sarcasm with my own(,)” John said,smugly, (-,) walking...
Suggestions: Proof read your work over to see where some of the errors are in the story. I know what sometimes having a second pair of eyes point out things that we may have overworked helps!
Thank you for having the guts to post your story on here. It takes a lot to put your work out there and I commend you. Keep up the good work!
Overall Impression: Can I first just start off and tell you how in love with this story line I am? I write and read fantasy and this was hands down one of the best short stories that I have read on this site so far. Yes, I am quite biased since this is my favorite genre out there but still- remarkable.
The flow was perfect for the story. Not too fast or slow. The way you set up each scene was wonderful!
No issues at all with this story. I hope that you continue on with his story. The funny thing is is that I am actually in the midst of writing something similar for the past few months. You inspired me to get back with it!!! Thanks
Overall Impression: I liked the inspiration behind this story very much. It is nice to see that dreams do get answered.
Suggestions:
I would have tried to space the story out a little bit more to make it more accessible for your readers. When it is in that block form the lines can get a little confusing.
“it(It) was a boy, Dad.(,)” Matilda said trying to hold on to her faith.- capitalize the first word of direct dialog and use a comma before the end of the quote instead of a period.
The story seemed to be bogged down in the middle of the story- even if it true or not- it needs to be forward moving!
I liked your story and hope that you continue with you unique stories!
Plot: With having five kiddos of my own, I can somehow relate to this plot very much- the anticipation, the worry!!
Style and Voice:Impeccable flow to the story and a constant narrative voice..
Scene/Setting I could feel myself becoming immersed into the story, walking down the halls with the smell of talcum powder with your characters- almost like I was their shadow.
Characters:I liked the emotion of Clare but I felt David a little lacking, but then again I find that most men are emotionally cut off sometimes.
Dialog: Short, sweet and to the point.
Grammar and Mechanics: No issues that I could tell!
I loved this story of woman's rebellion. It was properly paced and was not weighed down with an inconsequential details that would usually stall a story and have it lagging. Even though there was no external dialog to speak of- the internal dialog that this character had with herself was paramount to this story and the way that you wrote it.
No issues with mechanics or spelling that I could see and I just want to say after reading a couple of your stories that I am a fan!!!
Overall Impression: What a fantastic read!!! A real story of inspiration even though it is less than a thousand words.
Plot:Wonderfully constructed, flowed perfectly-flawless in the execution!
Style and Voice: Again great and east to read- no issues with tempo either.
Scene/Setting:
You did a great job bringing all of your senses into this story. It really added to the effect.
Characters: good job on bringing in the background info that let me, the reader, understand where this woman was coming from with her addiction. You weer spot on with the activities of an addict- the hiding of the bottles, the sneaking- the praying that you wouldn't get caught.
Dialog:not contrived or rushed.It added to the story's depth.
Grammar and Mechanics: Just one issue that I saw: mom should be capitalized.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: I think it was a great statement about love.
Plot:
No plot to speak of really.
Style and Voice:
Centered and concise.
Scene/Setting:
Descriptives could have been added, but I do not know if they would have added to what you were saying.
Characters: none really.
Dialog:n/a
Grammar and Mechanics:
the man knows, deep down in his heart, that his mission, is complete.- Too many uses of commas that were not needed.-the man knows deep down in his heart, that his mission is complete.
Suggestions: Good show and not tell. I really enjoyed it.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A cute story. Very heartfelt.
Plot:I could understand enough of it to piece it together, but it did not seem yet concluded.
Style and Voice: Not fully pulled together. - Try thinking of style and voice as music in a song- the beats have to be consistent working in harmony with each other, the pacing in the story was off- keep pushing it forward.
Scene/Setting: Add details- how about the car- besides it being a blue Honda Civic- were the windows clean? How did the leather feel against her skin? Was there a mustiness in the air from old cigarette ashes? Was the car making a humming noise as they bear down the highway? How abt. Adam? What did he exactly look like- feel like when he touched her leg? All these things help bring your character into your shoes- help them see what you see.
Characters:Not very developed. Try working with them some more.
Dialog:Choppy. One trick I found is to say the words out loud like if you were talking and see how the sentence flows. Do the words make sense when heard? Are the sentences too long?
Grammar and Mechanics:
She had(delete just had) just had another fight with her mom.Redundant and does not make sense.
"I'm so sorry Addy." He whispered should be-"I'm so sorry, Addy," he whispered.- Use a comma to offset someone's name when they are addressing them in a sentence. Use another comma at the end of the quote before the quotation mark that you are using a form of said as in he said, he quipped, he remarked- any version of said.
She sighed and leant(leaned) her head up against the window and sighed again. So not use sighed twice in a sentence. Use some other synonyms like whimper, whined, groaned. It helps add to the text.
Suggestions: Question about -she could not take any more of her mother's negligence? Were they fighting because her mother was not taking care of her? Was she neglectful in some sort that you did not disclose of? You need to tell some more abt. what happened rather than they just had a fight and she was tired of her mother's negligent attitude. Say she was fed up with her being ignorant or mean? It just looked like you used the word for nothing- just my opinion.
Work with it you have a very good premise that just needs some fine tuning.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A nice idea for a story.
Plot: Hard to get to. It was very choppy. You had a great premise for a story, but you could have spread the story out more- a little. I do not know if it was because of word constraints- like for a contest- or if you just fell short of material to write.
Style and Voice: Not consistent. For being a First person POV- it fell short on any type of emotion she had- you need to show her anger, her betrayal. That way you can pull the reader into the piece- they would feel her pain.
Scene/Setting: Descriptions are your friends- they will help add that element to your writing. Tell me what is going on around her- not so much that it bogs down the writing- so your readers can see the scene going on in front of them. It can involve your audience.
Characters: Mrs. Mason was a little flat- again show me how she feels- how it affects her.
Dialog:A but contrived. Some of it did not flow right-"He lied to both of us. Don't be sorry. We did nothing wrong. It was him. Always." Read it back and see if you could break it up with some type of action. I could not see someone saying hat matter- of-fact like. how was her tone- was she bitter? mad? angry? did her voice fluctuate as she spoke. show me- did she pause. Step into their shoes. I know I struggle with dialog for my characters- so I say it out loud when I write to see how it should flow- just a suggestion!
Grammar and Mechanics:
I asked, him as he was packing his stuff,- I asked him as he was packing his stuff (suitcase)- no need for a comma since you have as acing as the connector in the sentence.
When he asked me to marry him, it(there) was a no doubt about it...yes!
i'd miss him.- I'd miss him. (capitalize I)
So we can keep this little fella alive.(,)" he said...- comma before the ending quote. Only use a period with an action- He walked, He continued, smirked... any version of said (answered, questioned, says)-comma
The thing he is, - The thing was- verb tensing wrong. be consistent with past or present tensing- don't bounce back and forth.
"Are you(,) Mrs Mason?" a police officer asked me,- Use a comma to offset someone's name in dialog.
Suggestions:
Read over your work carefully- look it over and say the words out loud. These were just suggestions to help you. Keep writing- it seems that you have a passion for it!
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A touching story of a forgotten love.
Plot: Although I usually stray away from reading stories like yours, I found your quite enjoyable. ht plot was easy enough to decipher.
Style and Voice:Great tone that pushes the story forward. Kept consistent with your writing voice.
Scene/Setting: Good description that help the scene jump off the page.
Characters: Miriam was eccentric- but just how I like older lady characters i read!
Dialog: A couple of things- fine dialog- just some issues with formatting:
She read aloud(,) "Mrs. Miriam Tuttle, 112 Westgate Drive, Brahmstown." use punctuation- comma to separate your quote.
"That's odd.(,)"(she) She said. - use a comma in-between the quote and who was saying it with a lowercase -still the same sentence.
Grammar and Mechanics: Just those couple of dialog issues mainly.
Suggestions: Read through your work again and all should be easy fixes! Keep up the good work!
He had spent his entire life begging and savaging on the streets(.) (His) his only companions being a scraggly feral cat named Buggie and a mutt named Tooth.
Buggie cam(came) slinking stealthily into view.
"Come on(,) dear! _In dialog when addressing another even if it just a pet name or term of endearment, use a comma to set off the words.
"Does a pretty flower make you happy when you see it?" She asked.(she asked- no capitalization)
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A very heartfelt story about animals. It made me sad, but smile at the same time.
Plot: I liked it. It was not clear at first, but made me think.
Style and Voice:Constancy is the key. At some parts it felt bogged down- some what a little too contrived, but over well a good effort.
Scene/Setting: Good job! I could see what was going on!
Characters: I liked both Dirt and Buggie. Very likable characters you created.
Dialog:Heartfelt.
Grammar and Mechanics: Just a few places that I would have put a comma- in between your ..., but... for example.
He had spent his entire life begging and savaging on the streets(.) (His) his only companions being a scraggly feral cat named Buggie and a mutt named Tooth.
Buggie cam(came) slinking stealthily into view.
"Come on(,) dear! _In dialog when addressing another even if it just a pet name or term of endearment, use a comma to set off the words.
"Does a pretty flower make you happy when you see it?" She asked.(she asked- no capitalization)
Suggestions: work with your mechanics and keep up the good work!
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A great story!
Plot: Very well done.
Style and Voice:Consistent over the entirety.
Scene/Setting:You did a good job setting the scene.
Characters: well done. some more descriptions would have been nice- but well done for this short story
Dialog: No problems that I could see.
Grammar and Mechanics: I have a feeling that you are English, and therefore I would do somethings a little differently.- but that is at your discretion.
Suggestions: Space your story out some more- especially your dialog. Makes it easier to read!~
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A good basis for you story!
Plot: Able to understand.
Style and Voice: I could understand where this person was coming from- the madness- it was evident in your work.
Scene/Setting: You will need to set the scene up more. You are using descriptives, all of them- scent, feel, hearing, taste, sight- will all help you along the way.
Characters:I know that this is a WIP(Work in progress), but maybe when you elaborate on the story add some back ground info as to how she got to this point, not just the act itself, bu the events leading up to it. What overtook her emotionally, physically, mentally?
Dialog:n/a
Grammar and Mechanics: Verb tensing back and forth- either past or present tense.
Comma misuse:But as her hand reached for it,(HAVE EITHER A COMMA OR AND-BUT NOT BOTH) and touched the cold handle of what seemed like an alien life form, the brightness throughout the room seemed to evaporate.
Suggestions: Use spacing to help break up your story a little-make it easier for the reader to digest what you are offering.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: Very cute. An excellent story for children!
Plot:Easy enough to understand
Style and Voice:Consistent. the pacing was kept up through the entirety.
Scene/Setting: You could tell where the story was taking place.
Characters: Developed enough for the story- even though I do not know how much more two piggy banks could have more personality.
Dialog: One issue-"Oh no, Sausage!” squealed back Bacon as he was also a pig(.) “Poor Peter will cry a ......
Grammar and Mechanics: A couple comma placement issues that I would have done differently but ever writer does it differently.
Suggestions: It was a little confusing how you put that Bacon never wanted to leave- because flying out the window would be him escaping, so the comparison that you made with Sausage and Bacon was a little off base I thought.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A great read! Very well done!
Plot:Clear and concise. I could tell what was exactly going on.
Style and Voice: Very well done. Constant to see what he was thinking, what he was going through.
Scene/Setting: No problems. I felt myself immersed into the scene.
Characters: enough for the story, but yet made me wanting more of it- to see what would happen next. Well done!
Dialog: n/a
Grammar and Mechanics: The only suggestion I would have had was to break up your text some. The block of a paragraph is somewhat hard to engage- separate the text out more to make it easier to read. Like Maye do the breaks when your characters thoughts are placed? Just a suggestion.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: You have a really good idea.
Plot: Easy to see.
Style and Voice: Good. Pretty much the same throughout.
Scene/Setting: Good description of the setting.
Characters:Only one, unnamed- but you gain interest in him.
Dialog:none.
Grammar and Mechanics:This is where the problems come in with the story. Comma usage and misplacement:Smoke filled a(the) sky(,) hinting at a clear blue under the black and white(,)raising up from the broken forms of broken machinery, as if to swallow the sky.
Also I try not to be redundant with my words-especially if I can avoid it. Smoke filled the air... raising up form the shattered forms of broken machinery....
A few more issues (which are the same)-just read your stuff over and you will see the other issues.
Suggestions: You have a great insight for imagery. Jeep up the good work!
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: I think you have a good story, but it needs a little more direction to make it great.
Plot: A good basis to work with. Very creative!
Style and Voice: This is where it got a bit confusing. I don't know if it was intentional misdirection, but the characters and their situations were hard to decipher what happened to who. Example: One minute the oldest daughter was in the hospital and the nest the mother is dead, and then it goes back again to the daughter. It was a bit confusing.
Scene/Setting: If you could use more description in your writing it adds to the story and gives it texture.
Characters: Again, I hate to sound redundant, but use descriptions( what they look like, little mannerisms, etc). It helps get the reader to connect with what and who you are writing about. It can have the reader either love or hate your characters, but they will care about what happens next.
Dialog:n/a
Grammar and Mechanics: A lot of issues: There is Their. Comma missuse or not at all:
Finally after a tourcherous( treacherous) car ride(,). The oldest child(,) Erica Richardeson(,) was upset....
Suggestions: Proof read your work more carefully or have someone read it over for you. Then read your story back to yourself to see where you could have elaborated more on the story to make sense- or cut it back some(if it was for a certain word count like for a contest) to do the same.
Hello! I found your story on Account Birthdays. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A great short story!
Plot:Was well contained and straight to the point.
Style and Voice:Kept constant across the short piece.
Scene/Setting: Enough descriptives were used to ensure this.
Characters: Not enough allotment for much character development, but sufficient enough.
Dialog: Minimal, if you could have used more action to break up the dialog it would have made it stand out more. Also try to separate the dialog from the center of the text-use spacing to set it apart.
Grammar and Mechanics: Some problems here: The sphinx spoke. (,)“There is a time limit to this final test. Any fool could figure this out given days to ponder- the test here is to be quick under pressure. At the end of 5 minutes if I have not heard the answer(,) I will tear your souls out of you and slowly chew your bodies until the next pair of fools tries to take my secrets”.
Suggestions: Separate out your text to make it easier to read. If there is a new thought try to add spacing or a new paragraph to keep things going.
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
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