Hey! First of all, I love this story. The fact that you provided just the right amount of character insight is what really moves along the suspense, as the reader feels enough of a connection to worry for their well-being in such a situation. It makes it possible for the ending to have that much more of an impact, and it is realistic and easy to see how innocent people can get caught up in horrible crimes. So as far as storyline goes, I'm very impressed. I did take the liberty to go through and edit some lines grammatically (as suggestions), because that's second-nature for me to do, haha, so don't take it the wrong way. I copied the line then added my comments in the parenthesis below it. Let me know if anything doesn't make sense, why I made a correction, or what the Standard English Convention rule is; I didn't want to get too wordy or in-depth with grammar rules, but will gladly provide an explanation if needed. So here are just my short-hand notes on certain parts:
She kept the house I had worked so hard for, she kept my dog; she even kept my Nintendo gaming system from childhood.
(awkward structure - try, "She kept my dog, the house I worked so hard for, and even my prized Nintendo gaming system from my childhood.")
He was successful in work, unsuccessful in covering up his receding hairline, and somewhat successful in co-parenting his ten year-old twin daughters who lived with their mother a couple miles away.
(repetition - I have mixed feelings on the repetitive use of "successful", it works, but the last one throws it off, but like I said, I have mixed feelings, just thought it was worth mentioning)
I didn’t really see him much because he spent so much time at his accounting job.
(comma before "because")
We communicated through a series of post-it notes on the refrigerator while I took his advice of going out to local bars and banging it out with the lovely locals who were probably trying to forget their past, too.
(repetition - "local")
My confidence was through the roof after six years of a relationship with someone who was only physically attracted to me for maybe half of them.
(commas around maybe)
I had a strange time at the bar...
(awkward phrasing - change "strange")
The color had been drained from his face and he looked about forty-five instead of thirty
(get rid of "about", makes a more definite, stronger statement)
“Huh? What did you say?”
(either just “Huh?” or “Huh? What’d you say?” - quicker, less formal, more realistic, especially after drinking)
I must have been really drunk that night, or maybe I’m just thick, because I could not understand what was happening for the life of me.
(tense shifting - “must have been drunk” -past- / “I’m just thick” -present-)
If I could go back, I wouldn’t have come home that night. I would have let that girl’s boyfriend beat me to a pulp. I would have spent a couple days in the hospital. I could live with those scars.
(combining sentences - adds more emotion “If I could go back, I wouldn’t have come home that night, I would have let that girl’s boyfriend beat me to a pulp, I would have spent a couple days in the hospital; I could live with those scars.”)
In my dim state of mind, I couldn’t have foreseen what happened next. Mike strode the room in just a few long steps and said, close to my face so I could tell he had been drinking too,
(commas - "close to my face, so I could tell he had been drinking, too,")
“You have to help me, Rob. You’re my brother. I’ve always been there for you. I will never ask another favor from you in my life. But right now, I need you to come with me.”
(make a run-on to show nervous urgency - truer to character mental state)
“You’re going back over to her place? No, man, neither of us are in the condition to drive right now. I think you should just sleep this off, see how you feel about it in the morning.
(missing end quote)
Mike stood outside the dark bathroom, just pointed in, and avoiding eye contact.
(sentence structure - try, "Mike stood outside the dark bathroom, pointing in and avoiding eye contact.")
I know now that I knew this was going to be bad because my hand was shaking as I reached for the light switch.
(repetition - know/knew)
I think I started shaking my head and saying ‘no’ over and over.
(repetition - just used "shaking" at end of last paragraph)
I turned to run, but Mike blocked the entrance, standing several inches taller than me. “What have you done?”
(sentence structure - try, "I turned to run, but standing several inches taller than me, Mike blocked the entrance.”)
“This isn’t working,” I hear Mike whisper, sounding so weak and scared in the dark of the woods.
(tense shifting - heard)
We both stood over six feet and hadn’t even gotten a shovelful of dirt out.
(awkwardly placed within paragraph - hard to tell you’re talking about height, six feet is the depth of a grave, so that’s what you first think the sentence is about, but then it goes on to say that a shovelful of dirt hasn’t even been dug yet)
“Jesus. What were you thinking?” I ask for the first time, then almost laugh out of the pure insanity of this entire situation I’ve been placed in.
(tense shifting - asked)
He starts crying, head in his hands, he falls down right in front of me.
(tense shifting - started, fell)
I found your biggest mistake is tense shifting, which is naturally very tricky. This piece is predominantly written in past tense, but you switch to present tense every so often. The fact that you have a present point of narration is what leads to some more confusion regarding this, but you do a good job with it overall. Just be watchful for using present tense when your character is in the past or describing the past.
Well, I hope that helps! And again, I don't want the grammatical corrections to come of as rude or make me seem pretentious, I've just got an eye for it being an English teacher. My full opinion on the piece is very positive, as I think it is very well-written, so keep it up!
Sincerely,
Alison |
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