Nice story.
Is there any more?
If that's all, perhaps you can put a more definite end on it, though I'd like to see more
Your use of scene breaks and dates kept me tracking on the timeline, so that was great.
Your use of succeeding generations to tell the story was great too.
Even keeping it within the limits of a short story you have a lot of wordcount to work with.
More characterization, description and action would be good,
It felt a little rush to me, so adding some of the above and slowing it down would, I think, help the flow.
Here's some more specific things I noticed.
In pioneering spaceships, you can drop the pioneering with no loss to the sentences’ meaning.
In Peter's first dialog he is replying, but what he is replying to is not there.
Maybe you can put what he is replying to, or just have him saying it rather than replying.
In deep bass voice, deep or base would work fine, using both can be redundant.
In the next sentence, the words engine and people's aren't necessary for it to make sense.
Be careful with that little info dump that follows, I like the info, but info dumps tend to interrupt flow.
Its short, but I'd take out that part about Einstein, and clean up that part about monkey testing, so it flows better.
I'd take out patiently, to and fro, and contemplating his existance in the next part, and replace thing with task or event or something like that.
In Texas Spaceport launch site, I get rid of site
In launched from here to Mars, I'd use there instead of here.
Check the use of the word even, it's almost never necessary.
I'd find a better word for big, like massive or unprecedented or something like that.
In over there I'd take out over, maybe replace it with lived.
Now, at the moment of truth, sounds very cliche, consider revising.
How can Chavez's thoughts returned to the rise and fall of empires if they were never there in the first place, at least not in this story.
Like even, also is another word that is often unnecessary and overused.
Grew outward to planet after planet, does that sound a bit awkward to you?
I'd watch the use of the word now, and the phrase and then.
Questions to ponder.
What is the name of the ship and when does it actually launch?
What does the launch sound like?
What does Peter see out the window when the ship launches, if it has windows.
What do the controls look like?
Are there any sounds in the cockpit?
What do outside observers see and hear.
Does the ship shake when it's launching, or is it a smooth launch.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
