I am not familiar with the article you are responding to. However, I can say that I was not convinced by your argument that because you can find no mention of punishments for homosexuality in African cultures, homosexuality was broadly tolerated. Many cultures in Africa had oral traditions rather than written records. It seems to me that something as deeply taboo as homosexuality was to many ancient cultures might not be reported or recorded in the historical record.
While I think it's likely that many African cultures were accepting of homosexuality, I find it just as likely that many did not. Africa is a big continent. While the evidence you offer is convincing for specific cultures, it doesn't seem like it can be applied to the whole continent.
I didn't understand the last line saying that "homosexuals should be cured, rehabilitated, counseled and helped." It sounds as if you think homosexuals can and should be "cured," in other words become heterosexuals. If that is what you are saying, and you are interested in facts, you should research that conclusion further. I think you'll find it doesn't have much basis in reality.
First Impression:
I was hooked right away. After reading the description and the first few lines, I had to keep reading.
Favorite Part:
“The feeling crept up on me slowly. I felt as though I would be sick, but I told myself I could fight it down. At least, until it escalated so suddenly that I knew I needed to leave. I unfolded my arms, moved to raise one of them, but I never got the chance.”
I like the opening lines because they immediately captured my interest.
Story Suggestions:
Try changing some of the first person narration to internal dialogue. This will break up the narration and allow the reader engage more directly with your character. For example:
“I felt like I was going to faint. Maybe I already had fainted, and this was just some weird dream” becomes:
“I felt like I was going to faint. 'Maybe I've already fainted,' I thought. 'Maybe this is just some weird dream.'”
Technical Suggestions:
Double space between paragraphs; it’s much easier on the eyes.
The Point:
This is a great opening to a larger work. The picture you have painted of a young woman sick and in pain, apparently (according to your description) because people more powerful than she is are taking advantage of her, is compelling. I am interested to see where this goes. Happy writing!
Wow! I really like this piece, I haven't read anything like it before. I like how you just use dialogue with no surround, it adds to the mystery and makes everything more uncanny. When I go back after reading the story the first time, I noticed how the questions the brain and body ask each other mimic the way they relay signals back and forth, which is pretty cool :). The brain and the body comforting each other as they both die, presumably while looking at each other...very eerie as well as touching.
The only suggestion I have is that this line seemed a little out of place to me:
"He's ignoring me as well!"
The dialogue is all short and simple; to me it seems like "He's ignoring me too!" or "HE'S ignoring me!" would fit better.
What inspired you to write this story, and in this particular style? I love it; keep writing!
I really liked this story. I did an independent study on the Nag Hammadi scriptures and other Gnostic texts, and it was interesting to see how you mixed the Christian origin story with the Gnostic retelling, from the perspective of Satan/Wisdom.
Technical suggestions:
Couldn't find anything
What I liked:
The narrator's horror at the "perversity" of the crucifixion, which I strongly identify with.
What could use some work:
Just a suggestion; in the beginning you use a lot of scientific terms like nexus, multiverse, gravity wells, etc. They are packed tightly together without much context, and for someone unfamiliar with them it's a little overwhelming. Perhaps you could space them out a little, or wait until you're a little further along before using all of them together.
Final thoughts:
Cool! I would be interested in reading more retellings of Gnostic-Christian stories. Keep writing!
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Technical suggestions: 