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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aelfendraca
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be as detailed as possible, because I think that's more helpful. A review that just says "that was great!" doesn't really tell you anything, after all. So I try and give an organised view of what I liked, and why, and where I might make any changes. And there's always something good to say! I would hate for someone to read something I wrote and absolutely tear it apart - it's scary putting your work out there in the world for review! So I hope I always give a balanced, but positive, view of every piece.
I'm good at...
I have a good grasp of English grammar; since I work as a Freelance Writer, that's pretty much my bread and butter... I love reading sci fi and fantasy, chick lit and crime novels, so anything like that I probably have a good handle on.
Favorite Genres
Sci fi, chick lit, crime
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short fictions, books
I will not review...
Poetry
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by aelfendraca
Rated: E | (4.0)
I absolutely loved this! I want to know what happens next! In about two seconds, I was completely invested in the character and I could tell there was going to be a fantastic story here. If you decide to write more of this, I'm definitely interested!

There were a couple of minor editing points, but really they were minor things - a word change here and there to make a sentence more effective or a change in punctuation just to tighten it up a little.

- I would make the opening sentence shorter, snappier, to grab the audience's attention.

'There's a certain quality unique to the sound of falling rain' - I love this sentence! I wish I’d thought of it! It’s so evocative...

- You're overusing joining words (that, and). I would just go through and cut some of them out, make the sentences a little bit sharper and read more sucinctly.

'He gave off a noise' - I would say "made", not "gave off" - gave off means more something that was exuded, like a smell.

'I had done everything in my power to procure some sort of occupation that didn't necessarily require me to get out much' - I would get rid of the word "necessarily", it detracts from the point and sort of contradicts itself

'They questioned me mercilessly' - I'm not sure that mercilessly is the right descriptor. It has connotations of either cruelty (i.e. "they tortured me mercilessly") or exaggeration ("I was tickled mercilessly, until I was crying with laughter"). I would maybe use "at length" or "in detail" or something instead.

- I would go through and see where you can join sentences together, where you can cut and edit out words to make meaning clearer, things like that, as some of the sentences are a little run-on.

Overall, apart from a few small edits, I absolutely loved it! Thank you. I hope you do write more of it!
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