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76
76
Review of Freddy's Friends  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an absolutely great story. I love the surprise at the end. I can't see any faults whatsoever in the plot or language. Howeverm the tenses need to be taken care of in at least two places and there are a few minor punctuation mistakes that should be corrested. I'm not rating it higher now 'cause I think these things should be corrected first, this wonderful story deserves better! ;)

I will change the rating as soon as you've re-edited the story.

Here's what I noticed:

Freddy had a lot of practice making new friends in new schools and he was quite good at it. Nevertheless, he was always a bit nervous and this was no exception. His parents are more and more fussy about the friends he chooses. "Health nuts," he mutters as he kicks a pebble from the sidewalk into the grass.

You suddenly switch from the past to the present tense, then - in the following paragraph, to the past again. I find it rather awkward and unnecessary, wouldn't it be better all in the past tense?

"I know," said the chubby kid "I was watching this jet in the sky. It was leaving a smoke trail, looked like it was writing a message."

You need a period after "kid".

A week and a half had passed since that first luncheon. Although they pass in the halls and are only cordial, an amiable fellowship had developed as a result of the daily luncheons. They are alone at their table and it seemed like everyone else disappeared. Their conversations were candid and bold.

Again, the tenses are awfully mixed. Needs correcting.

They think he ran away form home or something. A typo; from home.

"You never met him did you Freddy?” Red asked.

You need commas on both sides of "did you".

"Were her folks divorced?” I didn't know that, said Red. Misplaced inverted commas, they should "close" after "that".

Thursday's headlines "TWO WESTSIDE BOYS MISSING - NO CLUES." You need a colon after "headlines".

Agnie
77
77
Review of Visits Matter  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for this beautiful text. I haven't had much contact with people with the diseases you mention but your text did make me think and has affected the way I see them now. It's very well written, convincing and moving and I'm glad to hear you're submitting it to the work newsletter. It should be read.

Agnie
78
78
Review of Sweet Dreams  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.5)
It's a nice, warm goodnight poem - I feel like going to my warm bed right now!

Some "buts":

The night was filled with peace,
And hope lit from within.

You don't need a comma after "peace".

As the dream filled night,
Comes to an end
My wish for today is for the
Dreams to never end.

* It is dangerous, in my opinion, to rhyme "overcome" with "come" (one contains the other and it looks awkward) or "end" with "end" (the same word).

* I would rather write "dream-filled" this way, with a hyphen.

* You don't need that comma after "night"; it separates the subject and the verb, which should never happen. But you need a comma in the next line, after "end".

* I think the following line ends a bit awkwardly: "for the" - perhaps the end of the poem could be rearranged a bit?

Agnie
79
79
Review of "Stuck"  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the wit of this poem, the perfect rhythm and the rhymes! The subject is so real - I know the feeling - I've never had it while writing poetry but I remember how I was struggling with some other texts and was annoyed by almost everything - I guess most writers know what you're talking about. "Curse the cursor as it's winking" - a perfect line! I find everything perfect, really, except for the last two lines:

Now I see what it means to thee,
To aid me in my poetry.

I don't think they quite go with the rest, something bad happens to the rhythm, too. But this is just my opinion!

Agnie
80
80
Review of Remember?  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good work! Reads very well. I think it would be even better if all the story was told by the woman. I think it would be possible, though harder to do. But it is good anyway.

You have a typo somewhere in the middle, "YOu" instead of "you". And another little thing: We sat at the same little table and ordered the same meal., Delete the period or the comma. And you need a capital "A" here: an 85-year-old version of his lopsided grin lighted up his face. Little things, easy to correct ;)

Agnie
81
81
Review of Dying  
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I've noticed some people tend to rate the "new ones" lower than they deserve! I don't understand it and I won't do that. I like this poem a lot. 1) I like the length - I tend to get distracted reading long poems, unless they are Very Well Written. 2) I like the strength of the poem, which has probably to do with the length, the rhytm, short sentences and 3) the twist in the fourth stanza. I find it perhaps the best thing in the whole poem - in spite of the title, I didn't expect the person speaking in the poem to be dying or already dead - and, although I'm sure you're not the first person to have thought of that, the idea feels fresh here - and that's what it's all about :) 4) I like the little rhyme finances-arthritis.

I think you tell the story in a pretty straightforward way. I do not see it as a problem in this poem!, it suits it and you did it very well, but maybe it would be a problem if you wrote all your poems in the same way. I mean, I really like this one, but it might be confusing to hear from a person who liked this poem about a poem written in a similar way: "You're just telling a story, try to do it differently". It's good to experiment with different ways of telling things, but I bet you're doing that ;)

I think the words "before" in the first stanza and "the end" in the last one might actually have a stronger impact if they were not written with capital lettters. I understand why you capitalised them, I just don't think it's necessary, they already stand out.

I would also get rid of the comma after "Then" in the last line.

Btw, I spotted your poem on Mavis Moog's Frank Reviews.

Agnie
82
82
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear StoryMaster,

This is a very helpful text and a good general guideline. However, some of the points can be understood wrongly and lead to misunderstandings.

I like reviewing. The effort it takes is rewarded by knowing that we share our thoughts about the work we've read with its author. This feeling is better than any gift points it can earn :) However, I must say it is a brilliant idea to reward the reviewer with gift points for reviewing an author s/he hasn't reviewed before. Writing a review does take some time and it's nice to know it's appreciated, besides this system encourages to pay more attention to the writers who are new on this site. Anyway, I review a lot and keeping in mind my experience both as an author and a reviewer, I must say I do disagree with some of the thoughts presented here.

Reviews should be honest. Helping writers improve their craft is the mission of Writing.Com. Honest opinions are what help writers improve. Giving false feedback doesn't help anyone and can lead an author down a long road to bitter disappointment.

With this I agree 100%. However, there is a problem each of us has probably faced: what do I do when I absolutely hate the item I've read? If I am to be honest, I should say just that, in a respectful way of course. This is very difficult. A respectful way of saying that would be, for example: you really need to work on this. But it happens, rarely on it site, nevertheless it does happen that there is nothing that could be done with THIS particular item, that the best thing would be to delete it and write something else. Is no review better than a review saying just that? I wouldn't mind hearing an HONEST opinion like that. But how do I know if this author feels the same way? Is no review better than an extremely critical review? Well, the former is a much safer option...

Reviews should be encouraging. Writing.Com is a site for writers of all ages and skill levels. Everyone at every level should be encouraged to continue writing! Encouraging reviews are more likely to be used by an author which means the time creating the review was well spent. Whether the author decides to use the reviewer's honest suggestions or not, the review should be motivating and encourage the author to keep writing.

I agree! But - it shouldn't be understood too literally. It doesn't, in my opinion, mean that we should always, at the end of each review add "Write on!" It would then become a clichéd, meaningless phrase. It should be used when we just spontaneously happen to think of writing it. I think getting a review is already encouraging, provided it's written with respect, which moves us on to

Reviews should be respectful. Regardless of an author's level of skill or talent, a reviewer should always respect that the author is an individual person. A reviewer flaunting that they are better than the author they're reviewing is not respectful and is counter productive.

I agree 100%. Even if the item is offensive or seems to have been placed on the site as some kind of a bad joke, a civilised reviewer should be ble to say it in a polite manner.

I think "counterproductive" should be written together or with a hyphen. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

Reviews should be well rounded. While honesty is very important, a review that points out only flaws without any mention of an item's positive points is not nearly as helpful to an author as a well rounded review with both positive and negative remarks. Don't forget, the same goes for reviews that only point out positives! Even the greatest pieces of writing have room for suggestions and opinions.

There is usually something good to say about someone else's work. It doesn't always work the other way. Sometimes we just love the work and don't see anything wrong with it. I would fear that some reviewers, having read "Guidelines", will take it too seriously and try to look for faults where there aren't any. That wouldn't be honest, would it? People often put these works on the site which they consider perfect and complete. Let us allow them to be the final judges of their work, unless we really think that something should be changed.

The rating should reflect the review. If you're sending a review full of corrections, it's important to consider that with your star rating selection. 5.0's shouldn't need any corrections. On the other extreme, a 1.0 should have endless errors and you couldn't possibly list them all. Offering to return and rerate the item after a round of updates makes it more likely your suggestions will be considered.

The rating should reflect the review to a point. Beyond that point, it is impossible. How do I sum up a review that is pages long with one single rating? I know this is a problem that every school teacher has to face but on the level of writing that most authors on this site represent such rating is very difficult. It should, in my opinion, represent our overall impression of the item.

I don't agree that 5 shouldn't need any corrections. A minor punctuation mistake in a womderful poem that made my heart miss a beat doesn't mean a thing to me, especially that it can be easily corrected. I know that I can go back and re-rate the item after the missing comma has been added but, knowing myself, I know I won't, I will simply forget all about it, busy with reading other things and DOING other things, and the rating will stay there forever. So, punctuation and spelling mistakes don't influence my rating much (or at all) unless there are lots of them and they make the text hard to read or understand.

I recommend "My Rating Philosophy" by David Kraken (I'm sorry, I haven't yet learnt to make links... But perhaps you would like to put a link to it under "Guidelines"? If you agree with the author, of course. David Kraken, folder: Kraken's Korner).

Use "copied and pasted" portions of the item you are reviewing as little as possible. Posting sections of an item within your review leads to "review bloating" and takes away from the impact your comments and suggestions will have on the author.

On the other hand, I find it very helpful (I don't mean the situation when the copied parts take up more space than the review itself). Especially when the review is on the Reviewing Page, it makes it easier for others to understand what the reviewer means. It may also encourage them to read the reviewed item. This is, however, the opinion of an internet-lazy person who doesn't like clicking. I like to have things ready in front of my eyes :) Some might not agree with me.

I'm sorry if I've "bloated" this review a bit!

Get into the good habit of using a custom tag-line of encouragement within your reviews. Including "Write On!", "Keep Writing!" or something unique and individual within your reviews goes a long way to motivating an author. We know you mean it, so don't forget to say it!

I might be a bit of an anarchist ;) but I don't like doing things when I'm told I should :))) I probably do enourage the authors I review in some way but it has to spontaneously come from my heart. Otherwise it would look fake. "You know I mean it, so don't make me say it!", I would shout rebelliously as an anarchist reviewer. You know I mean it, otherwise I wouldn't be reviewing your work at all. So don't feel offended when I don't say it, and you don't have to say it to me, unless it spontaneously comes from your heart, of course. I will write on. "I'm gonna do it anyway/even if it doesn't pay" (Gillian Welch).

And one more personal thought. You give very good suggestions for writing a proper, detailed review. As an author, I don't expect all reviews to be long and detailed. Writing such a review takes time we don't always have, and sometimes we might not have too much to say, even if we've liked the piece. In such a situation, I prefer to write just a line or two than to write nothing. It's another story when I know I will be automatically "paid" for the review. Then I try to give as many helpful suggestions as possible, and if I have liked the work and have no suggestions, I explain what I liked most. But - I do believe that a short review is much better than no review at all, (if it is honest, naturally, but that has already been said).

There are some issues that you could mention and that you might not even realise happen on Writing.Com:

- the Rating Revenge. It has happened to me, not too often, luckily. Thinking that the author wants it, I review an item with full honesty and rate it likewise. The author, probably not too happy about the rating, goes to my port, rates my works lower than they deserve and sends me an unpleasant e-mail. I will not review anything by such an author after that.

- rating an item according to the previous ratings. How do I know it happens? Example: an item is given a five a couple of times, then a two (revenge?). After that, no one gives it a five again. Coincidence? Happened too many times, to my works and to those of other authors.

...

Having said all this...

WRITE ON!!! :)

Agnie
83
83
Review of i still love  
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think this poem is very well written, the feeling and passion really shows in it. I like the way it sounds, very, very, VERY good rhymes - there is not one banal, overused rhyme in this poem. These are very important strengths of the poem.

Now, the weakness is the punctuation. Sometimes you have commas in the places where there should be nothing, sometimes a comma is missing. I think it will be easier if I paste your whole poem here corrected:

Your bright eyes, your warmest heart
Make me love you all the more.
Your sweet smile, the way you are
Embodies what love is for.

I never thought, ne’er dreamt I’d be
So willing to let go,
I never faltered, felt incomplete
When I held you close

As you pressed your soft lips to me,
Consumed by the beauty you hold,
Like the warmth of a fire on a winter’s eve
Or that burning passion you invoke.

I never thought, never took the time.
How could a moment have been so sweet?
So intense, overpowering, so sublime
I’m weak.

Yet I will not surrender,
I will not let my love die,
For when I am close to slumber
I will dream you still are mine

With this punctuation the poem is much easier to read and understand; it took me a while to understand the stanza

As you pressed, your soft lips to me,
Consumed, by the beauty you hold,
Like the warmth of a fire, on a winter’s eve
Or that burning passion, you invoke.

I also changed "i" to "I" in the last stanza.

You might want to put periods at the end of the stanzas - you have them at the end of some and in some you don't. I wasn't sure if you did it on purpose or not so I didn't change that.

Write on!

Agnie
84
84
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (3.5)
The occurrences you're writing about are very interesting. I think it would be even nicer to read about them if you expanded the story a little, not too much, just enough to include some more details and tried to make the language a bit more varied. It would help the reader to imagine it all.

Agnie
85
85
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's a brilliant story. The idea of rewriting the popular fairytales is quite common so it isn't easy at all to do it well. You did it excellently. The story is gripping from beginning to end and very funny.

I didn't like one little detail in it:

She nearly swooned right there in the hallway (because of course, that’s what ladies did back then) and reached for one of the servant’s cloaks hanging on a hook in the hall.

I don't like this "because of course, that's what the ladies did back then". I know why it's here: it's funny and fits the traditional fairy-tale style, but it doesn't fit your story so well. I think it unnecessarily distances us from the story you're telling. Throughout the story, we are very close to the characters. We don't feel the barrier of centuries taht have passed. The characters speak the contemporary language, they are like us, easy to like, laugh at and sympathise with. It is a very good achievement, don't spoil it with that sentence, don't remind the reader that all this was back then, don't make him care less. It is just what I think, of course, perhaps someone else will like the very same detail.

Thank you for this story, now I can turn off the comp and go to bed.

Agnie
86
86
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (3.5)
There should be a link to your story on one of the info pages of Writing.Com! :) This is a very nice introduction to this site and explains how it works in a way which is pleasant and easy to read. (I don't mean the official ones don't!)

Personally, I would like to find more detail here, there are a lot of other features you could have mentioned, a lot of room for funny images. Of course this is written from the point of view of a newbie, but the author is not a newbie and could make her character wander to some other places.

Agnie
87
87
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like your storoem. I find the form very original, and it reads well, although it's long (and I sometimes have concentration problems while reading long poems so it means something;).

I just wonder what happened to the bear! I think it should be mentioned - the danger is so great and real that you shouldn't just forget about him. I suppose he runs away when he hears the noise, but I think it would be better if you told us that - otherwise it seems like the bear is just standing there with nobody paying any attention to him.

Agnie

P.S. I can't say "it" about a bear, one of the animals that deserve true respect ;)
88
88
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
It's a great story, it's fun to read and you make a point. There are a lot of details one appreciates if one remembers them; e.g. you tell us that the house was clean and stylish, which contrasts nicely with the rude behaviour of the man and the souvenir that the main character leaves on the immaculate carpet.

There are a few typos, I would also suggests changing this part:

“Well, thank you,” she studied her shoes and tried to hide a smile of appreciation.

“My mother always kept a clean, well decorated home. I guess it rubbed off on me.”

Now the second sentence seems to come from the salesman. If it comes from the same person, the woman, I think you should continue in the same line:

“Well, thank you,” she studied her shoes and tried to hide a smile of appreciation. “My mother always kept a clean, well decorated home. I guess it rubbed off on me.”

Agnie
89
89
Review of I am Time  
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi!

I like your poem. A title tempting the reader to see what it is ;), an interesting subject, good rhythm and very, very good rhymes, especially in the first three stanzas.

I have a bit of a problem with the last two stanzas though:

One day I will die,
All will go amiss,
I’ll breathe my last breath…
All shall fall into endless abyss.

For I am Time,
And it is my fate
To live on forever
Until I see Heaven’s Gate.

Firstly, the line "All shall fall into endless abyss" sounds a bit clumsy to me, it's a bit too long and the rhyme sounds a bit forced. Besides, first we read about dying, then about living forever - ok, "Until I see Heaven's Gate", but still it seems a bit illogical - ?

If I could rate pieces of your poem separately, I'd give you 4,5 stars for the first three stanzas and perhaps 2,5 for the last two. I'm giving you 3,5 because it's exactly in the middle, but it doesn't reflect the way I feel about the whole poem.

I hope this helps. Welcome to my little port ;) ,

Agnie
90
90
Review by Agnie
Rated: E | (2.0)
I think the story is promising, it starts well and I like your fantasy world. BUT you should read the text once again and take care of the punctuation and style because the reader will get tired stumbling upon so many errors. I started correcting them but there were just too many and it would take very long, and I'm sure you can spot most of them by yourself.

Here are the ones that I have corrected:

"I looked at my teacher/bodyguard"
"/" does not look good in stories. Replace it with a hyphen: my teacher-bodyguard looks better, in my opinion.

"I was hoping for something light today considering that today was 16th birthday and I would be meeting my bride to be." My 16th birthday?

"So I should not have been surprised when Averan said." You need a colon (:) at the end of this sentence.

"I think today that we will do both at the same time." he said
Should be: "I think that today..." or even better: "I think today...", without "that".

"Dragon swords receive that name for two reasons first is that the sword is specifically designed for fighting on a Dragon. Secondly dragon scales are used in the forging of the swords." This is messy. There are commas missing, besides I think you need to make two sentences out of the first one.

I wish you patience in re-editing your text and many readers and reviewers when it's ready,

Agnie
91
91
Review of My Journal  
Review by Agnie
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Spice!

Thank you for your poem. I think it tells about lost love in an original way - you start with the journal and then proceed to describe your feelings, gradually - this way the reader is slowly introduced to what you're going through instead of being thrown into the waves and currents of someone else's feelings - I like that. I like the imagery and
the metaphors.

The only thing that bothers me a little is a certain incostistency of styles - somehow I have the impression that the end of the poem seems to come from a different poem - the part

It's been so long, I should just move on.
There's other fish in the sea.
But I keep hopping you'll swim
Back home to me.

is just written in a very different style than the beginning.

You have a typo in the last-but-one line - there should be "hoping" instead of "hopping".

Keep on writing! ;),

Agnie
92
92
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story is simply wonderful. Oríginal, witty, funny. I like your humour. I have to read it once again some time.

Once again about "Passing the Bar". I forgot to clearly comment on the bar-bar pun - whether it was intentional or not, it's a brilliant one... Seeing the title, we might think of either. And then this image of a poor law student studying hard in the middle of the night in order to pass the bar, while at the same time s/he might wish s/he was in a bar and having fun... well, once again. A great poem. I recommend it to anyone and everyone ;) Especially to law students and other miserable students of the world, I guess... Read it, you'll like it.

Agnie
93
93
Review of Passing the Bar  
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like this poem, these good rhymes, and the very, very nice uneven, irregular, "messy" lines! They make your poem sound natural, casual, as if you were thinking it to yourself while walking in the street, towards that bar maybe... or back...

The last stanza is superb:

"For though I’ve studied long each night and day,
The test may be too hard,
But I hope that soon I can freely say
That I have passed the bar."

A very good closure, at the same time logical and somehow surprising. Once again about the rhymes. Reading poems, I often see rhymes that are a bit forced, clumsy, unoriginal. Here the quite obvious rhyme like day-say sounds brilliant, thanks to the rhythm, the varied line length and the originality with which you put your thought in words, I think.

Lovely.

Please write more poems like that. :)

All the best,

Agnie
94
94
Review by Agnie
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hey, I really like your story but there are a bunch of spelling and punctuation errors (missing commas). Remember to write AIDS, not aids; there's a typo in "hospital"; besides:
ulcer, not: ulsur
angry, not: angery
prefer, not: prefere
we both got quiet for a second, not: quiet
...
oh... there are more but I feel so bad pointing them out. Just read your text once more, carefully, your story will be much better once you've impoved the spelling!

Agnie
95
95
Review by Agnie
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I need more time to read your guide properly, slowly and with all the attention it deserves, but I already want to tell you it's great. I'm sure it's very useful to many poets and readers. I think I'm going to come back to it often, I did my Masters degree in English but of course I was unable to use all I learnt and I feel I should refresh my memory of the literary terms. Thank you for placing this guide in your portfolio. I hope you're not planning to remove it as long as this site exists. It's in my portfolio now too, as a highlighted item.

Agnie the newbie
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