NOTE: The following words are from my thoughts and opinion alone, it's up to you on how you will take it, positively or the other way around. But, I really hope you'l take this positively ^^
TITLE: I love the title! It caught my attention on the very moment that I saw it. Giving me not hesitant to review it.
EMOTION: So good! The emotion overflows on each line, the lines are simple, yet, beautifully and creatively used.
PRESENTATION:Neat! It seems so clean, easy to read as well!
WHAT I LIKE:
At the end of the tunnel
You'll be my guiding light.
You'll lead me to Heaven,
Away from the night.
This is the line I love the most, maybe because it holds greater meaning.
The rhyming are not consistent but I do love it.
DISTRACTING:
"When i couldnt Conform."~I couldn't
"I know i'm not perfect,"~I'm
"Doesnt matter at all."~Doesn't
SUGGESTION:
There's a lot more of that, try to avoid missing punctuation marks.
Know what to capitalize and not.
ERRORS: (Few but, greatly need your attention)
"When there's lightening and thunder."~Lightning
"but just know untill then."~Until (single L)
OVERALL: It's good, just need to avoid making those distracting punctuation and errors.
But, I know when a person reads it, definitely he/she will like this piece!
I'm a proud member of the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project.
Every words that you'll read here are based on how I think. Please take it positively.
Title: Good!
What I like?
Each line carries emotion, not just emotion but it's really deep, it seem to came from the heart, hmm...as I read it, I feel the pain (maybe because I'm feeling the exact same thing with my mom (= )
I love the last two lines:
And you'll never know how that affects me
Unless you actually start caring.
I like how you put great emphasize on what you feel.
It seems that you're also enumerating the pain you have.
I see no erros in punctuations.
What I found distracting?
Please change the font, or make it less bold it's hard to read (=
Know when or where to capitalize your letters. After the period (.) use the small letter or lower caps.
But, I guess, it's quite alright in your poem because we know that there are lots of writers with the same issue
But don't get use to writing like that.
I don't know, but I kind a feel that the flow is quite hard, maybe because of the words use or the words are cramming.
Try to put the words as one (=
But, on the other hand, if this is how you feel I see no reason in chaniging it. You write to express, the same as me, so I do understand how it feels. It feels so good to write with your bare emotions. ^_^
I encourage you to write with your heart, it's the only way to express without any words and actions. Keep it up!!
I do love your poem, because you put your heart into it. You dedicate this to the one you love that is why its special...i LIKE THE LAST PART. All people ask that question and I do think that your emotion overflows in that part..And the way you described your love (dawn) is simply cute and adorable. I do think your girlfriend will like it.
I saw little errors that you could put your attention to:
"Time shifts our bodies, as we grow;" I was quite confused on this part and the word "shifts" is quite redundant..I do suggest to have a better word, words synonyms to that word so that the message will remain same.
"Still amazed" because the meaning means continually then I surely think that the word amazed should be amaze.
" With out any cost." the word with and out should have been combine to form "without"
"In loves name...." should be "love's"
A FEW SUGGESTIONS:
I'm positive that your poem will be great if you didn't stress the rhyme so hard, because the last words seem distracting like the word "whoa"..You could always make a free style poem.
The division of your poem should be consider also..
"unlike any star" why not put "other"...unlike any other star..
Stress the emotions, let the feeling throw the words!
But all in all, this poem has a great message in it..The meaning and worth of this poem is always up to the writer. So, be more expressive than impressive, and I guess, it'll be better!! God Bless!
I have no rights to criticize what you've written for I knew that what you wrote were all emotions from deep within your heart. I'm sorry for your lost, I'm sorry for your pain, but I hope you will stand and continue your journey, she will always be with you, not in front of you but on your heart. Her love will linger continuously within you. I know its hard to accept, and I can never tell you to stop crying, frankly, I want you to cry because it will be your way to ease the pain from your heart. I am aware of the fact that you are older than me, so I guess it'll be awkward reading this words coming from an amateur and adolescent like I am. But, I surely wish you appreciate this simple words. Thanks fro sharing a part from you and I hope you God bless!
Hey there! First I want to say that I did get your point in writing this. Which is true because, whether we have everything we can never control the state of sleep
But I dont really get some points:
wish-fish doesn't make sense
You could exchange the sequence
how about trying to make the 3rd stanza
as 4th?
You are forcing the phrases to rhyme
You could always try freestyle poem
But what I like are--
the 3rd stanza-It's really true
the point of your poem is also good
short but does make sense
1.To show her that she belonged to him,
All was going well, and then....this seems like it has been cut
2. in 5th stanza. "wants" should be "wanted"
3.She can't hide the fact that she's starting to show. I didn't get your point.
4. You're forcing your poem to rhyme.
5. There's a lot of error regarding the tenses of your verb
goes-went
awake-woke up
don't-didn't
etc.
6. Check on your grammar and use of words
7. I really didn't see the point of putting your last stanza
You can notice your errors once you read it. Try to edit it, it'll be better.
I'm hoping that you'll take my comments positively, for I really like the story of your poem only that there's some error.
the story is good, but i really think that you should not make the scenes look in a hurry, because the sequence is really fast..you must also put force in every words..use strong and powerful words especially on the scenes with highlights like the kiss and the pervert scenes..be descriptive,be creative, take note on your grammar,spelling and sentence structure..:) i would like to read it again if you edit it!
w0w its good...this is a free style poem,am i right? its good!!...i like the flow..it seems that the persona committed a sin that Father could not forgive but when the other person came around everything changes,and the persona receives more than forgiveness but also love!
i agree! i love this! God is everything in our world!! He is omnipresent, He is everywhere....I love the way define or acknowledge God...God is truly wonderful, isn't He?
You must have a great faith to God for writing this. And I know that it feels right and good...
i love it! i really love it! you did great... i love the meaning of the poem, its wonderful...did you made this alone?it'll be great if you show it on contest! i know people will love everything in this poem......i can somewhat relate because im a girl that wishes not to be hurt by a man
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