You have a very intriguing, suspenseful, and, in my opinion, a successfully written short story. Or should i say introduction, as I am hoping you have continued this story somewhere!
It's very clear, the words you use describe the scene great. You developed an atmosphere, rather then just words on paper.
It flowed with ease, and i had no trouble following the plot.
Punctuation appears accurate, and appropriately used.
Excellent work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Yes, very good. Very descriptive. I could picture the whole scene and the emotions the characters were feeling. It's a book I would pick up and read. It makes me want to get to know the characters, their thoughts and emotions, and forever ask "WHY?" Good job, keep writing!! One tip - it's something that i've been working on, allow your sentences to flow easier. Instead of using ten short three word sentences, put it together into one.
For example: ( I hope you don't mind )
I ran up the stairs to her room to find the door was closed, with light softly spilling out of the crack. I took a shivery breath and knocked on the door. My stomach felt like snakes were flopping around inside of it. She was probably waiting there, but she didn’t reply, and she didn’t open the door. The snakes flopped around some more but I decided to be brave and open the door.
Hope that helps! Happy writing!
~Deej
Hello Paisley Code :) This story is definitely intriguing. Such a short intro... is there more? I am guessing on the plot, but it ended a bit abruptly. The genre's caught my attention ( I am into supernatural!), but nothing indicates what. Could you put a hook line at the bottom? maybe a bit more detail in the intro to indicate which direction the story will go? What's there is very descriptive, so awesome, I laughed when she was bugging her friend about eating from the trash can.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/akkirra
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 4:26am on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
