Hi Heartbroken OneWriter,
I spotted this piece on the request page, and that that I would stop by, and as a fan of vampire stories I was quite pleased that I did.
I do have a few notes for you, and please remember that they are all just suggestions and in no way am I trying to impose too much on your creation.
 The glowing sign in the front window said open, and yet the shop was almost completely dark except for the light shed by a few dim lamps. Gabriel liked it better that way at night when he had few if any customers. From behind his elaborately carved desk, he looked out at the street through the glass windows that created nearly the whole front wall of the book store.
In this brief paragraph you have used the word "that" twice, perhaps you could find another word to replace one of them to avoid the close repetition.
Some were neatly stacked upon finely polished tables, while some had even been piled in the floor in careful arrangements
1) Same thing above, but this time for the word "some"
2) Also, you have "piled in the floor", perhaps you meant to say "on" instead of "in"?
"and sat slightly slumped over in his chair, as if he wanted to hide his face from the world."
1) There doesn't need to be a comma between "chair" and
"as"
2) Also, you have already mentioned in the previous sentence that Hunter was sitting in the chair. In fact, you opened with it, so there is perhaps no need to mention "the chair" once again. Perhaps you could simply delete: in his chair, as it's already implied that he's there.
In a chair opposite this one sat Ossar
Once again, maybe you could do away with "chair".
Perhaps you could say instead: "Opposite from him, sat Ossar..."
"...a man just as tall as Gabriel,though he was lankier.."
You haven't mentioned how tall Gabriel is as yet, or anything else about his physique, so to now give this comparison seems a bit off.
"In Ossar’s lap sat Araina"
One usually sits "on" a lap and not "in".
"Ossar rested his chin on her shoulder as he also scanned the pages with his darker blue eyes."
Before you said that Ossar was sitting back at ease, it's hard to do that and simultaneously rest your chin on a person's shoulder, even if they are leaned back against you.
Since I can see that this position is necessary, perhaps you can include something that tells of him moving from one position to the next.
There were light, quick footsteps hurrying down the sidewalk, and behind that came numerous heavy
I have read that it's a really good idea to cut down on the usage of the word "that" whenever you can, since there will be times when it may really really be needed, and the last thing you want is to sound repetitive.
Here, you can perhaps say "behind them"
"The woman whom he had just pulled from the street and her ill fate stood looking rather confused and shocked beside Araina."
Maybe consider placing a coma between "fate" and "stood".
She seemed not as old as some women Gabriel seen passing his bookstore, and yet not as young as some either
There is a bit of an oddity where you say "Gabriel seen"
staring at him with her light blue eyes
You have been quite keen to mention each characters eye color when first introducing them (which I really like because it helps me to start painting an image right away). However, sometimes you can skip using the word "his" or "her" "hers" .
In this case, maybe you can delete the word "her" all together.
with Araina standing behind him and the just rescued woman beside her
Insert a coma between "him" and "and"
Hunter turned to look back at Gabriel, and he smiled
As I mentioned a bit above, some words you really can do without. In this case, perhaps you could do without "he"..and simply have:
Hunter turned to look back at Gabriel, and smiled.."
Araina was now standing looking down on Ossar, with her hands on his shoulders
1) You've already established that Ariana had been standing, ever since she herself had made a move for the door, so now maybe you could do without saying it.
2) If you do decide to keep it, perhaps consider:
" Araina was now standing, looking down on Ossar with her hands on his shoulders."
All of them were the same kind of creature, all vampires, and yet all of them were from different times with different personalities.
Perhaps here you could do without using: "All of them" twice.
Maybe you can replace the second one simply with "they"
“I suppose nether of you have experienced that"
but Hunter nether spoke nor made any action in response
Replace: "nether" with "neither"
"Araina, seeing his acceptance of the girl, Katherine’s, presence, settled more comfortably back into Ossar’s lap"
You may want to rearrange this, there is something off about: "the girl, Katherine’s, presence"
You said "the girl" and not "the girl's" which doesn't tie in with you following it up with "Katherine's"
“What reason have I too want to frighten you?”
Replace "too" with "to"
“There’s now way you could be telling the truth.”
Replace "now" with "no"
 There are some instances where I think you use the words: "he said" "she said" "he asked" etc a bit much.
Perhaps you could go without them, providing a much smoother flow between the dialogue.
Aside from the one time that Gabriel mentioned he was an author, and Ariana briefly implying that she was once thought of as a witch, I do not see anything that really shows up how they have been such a big part of history. And going from the title of the piece, and the way it ends, I would think that it's very important to show this.
Perhaps you can include some more on what they have witnessed over the years, how it affected them, what they have done about things in the past..etc.
 This was interesting to read, I can even see a much larger piece derived from it.
I like that you were descriptive enough to help me create my own images
Keep up the good work
 Aliana |
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