Thanks for sharing this quirky piece. I think it'll resonate with a lot of people b/c how many teens have been there? I want to change this...years later they're in and everyone wants to be like them. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. Made me smile :)
Hi, I do want to thank you for the entry into my Irony contest. However, you failed to heed rule #7 which states this piece is to be new and original for this contest. However the 3rd place winner failed the same rule so I am going to be easy on you two...please next time however, consider them or the piece will be disqualified.
I really did enjoy your story and found it easy to follow. I was a little uneasy with the subject manner of the demons and stuff but read it tongue in cheek to give it it's fair shot. I did like the idea of the man that had given up everything to find himself only to find out that it was a trick and didn't have to give it all up. That was good. However, a really clever ending would have been that when he came back to see his wife with one of the demons he fought with.
So it lacked that anticipated twist. But it was clearly written and easy to understand. I wasn't stuck on terms I didn't know or situations so far fetched I couldn't make sense of them. So well done in that regard.
I am going to award this second place. Thanks for the entry and good luck with your writing.
Very interesting piece, although I wasn't quite sure what the white light at the end was.
Realization?
Heaven?
The end?
The words you use are very descriptive and you draw the reader in so that I could picture myself standing on a figurative stage waiting for the next instant in my life to take place. Well done.
Your grammer however, needs a lot of work. A few spelling errors also.
There is never a space before a comma and after a word. So in the first line it should be: enough, (not enough , before...)
You have done that in lines: 3,5,6,7,8,10,11,13,18,20,21
Also you always capitalize a single I (it's I not i)
Lines: 6,19,20,21,23
20th line mo white...should be "my white..."
So a few smallish errors to fix and the piece would be bang on! Keep up the good work!
A very interesting if somewhat cryptic piece. Is this person married and an ex lover keeps calling? Or is it something else you are eluding to.
Your style of writing is great as it very subtly draws the reader in until the very last word. I for one wish you would have continued so I might know the secret that separates the two of them. Or the situation that keeps them apart?
Okay so that was my first response but it did make me laugh. I must congratulate you on this short piece. It's sometimes hard to write a small piece like this that has a certain rhythm to it and make it make sense. But yours did so bravo!
Great piece! Your words paint a picture of inner pain, betrayal and yet inner strength that can succeed when emotion and seeming friendship fails. I really liked the rhythme and flow to each line and each stanza.
I liked how at first you get the reader to thinking you are weak and dissatisifed with life and yourself, but in the end you show strength and conviction and those that judge you are the ones damned instead of yourself. Very telling.
I hate to nit pick such a good piece but if I were this is what I would say...for the first line you are inconsistent with end punctuation. Sometimes you have a semi colon which I is correct as the 2nd sentance usually ends the thought. But sometimes you have a period and then another period for the 2nd sentance. The first and third should end with ; and the 2 and 4 with .
Again just a suggestion but keep up the good work!
Oh this piece was so touching it almost brought tears to my eyes. Such an honest inner reflection is something that can be very hard to admit to, especially in writing before strangers but then I also think you have courage to be able to share your pain with strangers.
I for one applaud the fact that you listed your positives first and then the so called negatives. Sadly we do live in a world that a lot of the times judges by appearance. But you have a beautiful soul and I'm sure others will see it!
Thanks for your entry into my "Irony..." contest (item:1205073}. I appreciate your hard work and time to enter this piece!
Okay this piece was excellent! I kept thinking that something is going to come back and bit Josh in the butt, but never figured the way you wrote it! Excellent use of irony!
I really don't want to give anything away on a review as I would like others to read for themselves and enjoy as I did.
But I loved the characters and how you tied everything together! Your word count was 1953 so well done. Your writing was clear and all the situations were easy to understand and I wasn't confused about anything. I was eager to keep reading to see what would happen and I love that about great stories! You missed a few spaces after speaking...for example: "No problem," Jim replied,"and do you so you'll need a space before and (," and (like that))
A few others but not really distracting.
I am certainly going to award this piece. First place! Well done and thanks again!
Thanks for the entry into my "Irony..." contest "Invalid Item" . I appreciate your time and your effort.
I liked how you put a lot of action into such a short piece. I felt like I was actually there beside that solider in combat, waiting for my turn to take out an enemy.
However, I was waiting for the ironic twist at the end? It would have been great if the soldier at the same time felt his own life been taken from someone he didn't expect or something along those lines. Maybe it was a stakeout at a school and the life he took was a 17 year old kid with a handgun. Something that would have been the ironic twist I was looking for. That's what the rules asked for.
Your word count was only 252 so you had lots of room yet to add a bit more to put in the twist.
Thanks again for the effort. I wil not be awarding this piece a ribbon. But keep up the writing!
I really liked this piece. I thought it was very heartfelt and honest. Your words have a sort of despiration in their tone and yet fear of missing such an amazing moment in your life.
I think this piece also makes the reader think about their situation and "the one" ...if they have them or are still waiting. I liked that about this piece. If it makes you think about it then the reader will be talking about it.
I liked the fact that you tried to make all the lines have a similar sounding rythm. The words of course don't all match in similiar spelling (i.e. same endings and such)...but I really can't complain about it as it's such a good attempt and it's hard to make all things end with a rhyme but still make sense!
Wow very cool and informative. I found this under the column static item section and my apologies for not finding it sooner. I didn't have time to check all the links but I have book marked for futher investigation.
I really like the layout - the logo's for each section are great! THey really break up the page and lend interest to each section. The writing is clear and crisp and if I do find a worthy item I'll send them your way!
Oh this piece was beautiful. Wow 93!!! That is a good long life. Thanks for this great candid insight into your world and telling us about your mom. I lost my mother a few years back and I wish she were here to read this piece with me. She would no doubt be smiling as I am now.
I loved the frank banter but so filled with loving overtones. I really liked the last line about the mind being alert and positive. The one organ that never ages or get's tired is the brain (well maybe mine does! haha)...but it's great when someone her age is still so full of spirit.
A very sobering piece to be sure. I could feel the angsty tone reaching out at me with your words. I frowned and felt anger at the suffering that someone has to endure.
What I was hoping for was a glimpse into what personal tragedy would make a person come to such a realization. It could be any number of things a reader can suppose in their mind, like a death or a breakup.
I too would label as prose perhaps or even monolgue as it has more of a static conversational feel rather than a poetic flow. But just an observation.
Otherwise you have chosen powerful words and it was well done!
What a very insightful, touching and interesting piece.
You know you could have omitted the story about Roberto and just told the facts and you would still have an interesting piece. But the fact that you "humanized" it by letting us get to know Roberto, his family and his struggles makes this fact all the more real to the reader. WE now empathize with his situation and we want to help - if we can.
I wish the news would spotlight more "humans" just trying to make a better life for themselves instead of always commenting on nameless immigrants.
THank you for the piece. It was long but interesting. I would have added a few more line breaks between the paragraphs at the beginning just to go easier on the eyes.
A very interesting piece. Starts out with such a painful vision and then ends with a peaceful thought. Well done for the irony.
I really did like the words you chose to depict the pain of being alone but then the peace of being loved. I did like the way the piece ended. You could have of course added more details like how long the love lasted but it's not necessary for the reader to know.
There were some spelling errors that you could fix to make the piece perfect:
3rd line: 8th word should be heart. You missed the t
7th line: 8th word should be lacking. You missed the c
8th line: 4th word should be cradling. You don't need the e. Unless of course it has an "e" in American spelling and in that case forgive!
Very different piece to be sure. I found myself wondering what Ozymandias Price would do with such important information. Nothing?? hmmm he has serious problems.
I was unclear of the motive of "why" the world would end. YOu stated it was unknown how he heard of the info but I guess I wanted to know why the world had to end.
Very interesting at the end where you said that no one noticed. I guess it could also be metoriphorically talking about his life also.
In the 2nd paragraph you said "November 19th but next line is December 20th with no passing of a month mentioned. So must be a typo."
5th paragraph, 2nd line. Should be a period at the end of the line/sentance (sitting position.) not a comma. A few other grammtical mishaps like comma's in wrong places but not really distracting.
What a tragic impression this piece has left on my mind. One of sorrow and anger for the life lost and the ill-fated choice made.
As it's a personal subject and one that no doubt everyone has their own personal opioion on I won't get into the "personal" feel of the piece. Suffice to say you have written a piece that is very emotional but you didn't bog down with depressing details.
I did like the attempt at use of colour but I would have put the title in bold. Just because the grey is very hard to see against the pale background. I did like the pink or rose.
There were some spelling and grammer errors you might want to fix if you have time:
7th line: "...tension making me..." should read: "...tension ismaking me..."
12th line: I would add a comma after "...show it, your..."
same with the 13th line: "Feeling lonely, you're not alone
15th line: "daddy don't even..." should be "daddy doesn't even...
Well this piece did live up to it's name, I was left with the image of a person alone, perhaps staring out a window, wishing for something that might never happen. A feeling of forgottenness was also achieved, so this piece did live up to it's name!
The other image that makes this piece so powerful is the simple band of gold. A wife, a lonely wife. One who longs to be loved and needed and desired by the man she loves. And now? now she's alone, reflecting.
I wasn't too crazy with the font or maybe because it was bold it made it a bit hard to read and it was a bit hard for the eyes to concentrate on the text.
Bravo for experimenting with different fonts and text. Personal suggestion - nix the bold if you can for this font.
A very good attempt at writing a piece with so much angst, misery, bitterness and resentment.
I could certainly feel the hostility you have inside, but at the same time the small wanting to let the person know they need to get help or else they'll suffer the consequenses!
A few things to visuall help this piece I think are needed. A personal suggestion might be to add a few line breaks to let the reader take a break between angsty thoughts! I would add one after the 6th line, and again after the 11th after sown.
There are a few grammer & spelling errors:
1st line: "Upset , lost..." should be Upset, lost... just move the comma over beside the T.
3rd line: unjust is one word
I would take these lines: I'm not going to apologize for problems I had, for it was un just what
she did to me.
and put as
I'm not going to apologize for problems I had,
for it was un just what she did to me.
Just keeps it more uniform to have them broken up that way.
5th line: "herlife..." should be her life
Just to add to the angsty feel of the piece I would add exclamation marks at the end of lines: 8 and 9. But that is a personal observation and not detracting from the piece.
9th line: "who Iam..." should be ... I am
15th line: "possibilit of Jail" should be possibility...
16th line: "your even going" should be you're as in you are even going...
These are just a few technical things the piece is good and keep on writing!
An interesting prayer of sorts if I may call it that. I can picture a person on their knees begging for forgiveness for whatever deed they are struggling with. The words you use are very heartfelt and touching, filled with remorse and pain.
Your synopsis said "struggling with morality"...but the reader could assume any sorts of moral misgivings. It would have to be something so terrible that they couldn't even look at their own reflection.
Was it with a best friends wife? or an identity switch? We really wanted to know what caused the pain and for the person to dread the following morning-the start of a fresh day.
Your punctuation was fine, a few of the stanzas you used periods instead of comma's. YOu might want to change if you have the time.
A very touching and heartfelt piece. Very warm and loving memories that you have portrayed here. I could picture the father holding the small girl in his arms while he rocked her to sleep. But the reader if they have a son could visualize that as well.
My only suggestion might be to put in itallics as to suggest memories but otherwise it's very good.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this piece. I think for those of us that have experinenced a few personal tragedies in our life we can really relate to these words.
When a person feels such pain and anguish inside or suffers greatly, then it seems like your tears never hit the ground, they are unnoticed, uncaredfor and unending. I could feel the pain you were trying to describe and for myself personally, when a person's words touch the heart that way I say to them well done.
My two favourite lines were:
Sadness is a wasted life, a life without the sun,
Sadness is twenty years gone by and never becoming one.
When a person lives in darkness mentally and emotionally, never seeing the sun of hope and relief sorrow is heavier than a boulder on their back.
For myself, it's been over 20 years of personal suffering with no relief of having even one year or day without sadness. It's like you wrote it for me - bravo!
My nit pick: I would have repeated the words of sadness with a similar stanza at the end to drive home the theme of the piece and the title. Just a suggestion.
On the one hand you painted a picture of beauty and thankfulness for the gift of rain. It brings forth life, feeds the earth and delights the farmer.
On the other hand the devistation it casues paints a bleak picture of death, disease and despair for both human and animal.
Having been aware of both events your piece just added written impact to the cold news articles I have written and national geographic pictures my eyes have been fed.
When you consider all things sometimes the small problems we have at home aren't so bad.
My nit pick: a small spelling error: 2nd stanza, 2nd line: "loses" you have added an extra O and changed the meaning.
Otherwise excellent!
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