I wasn't shocked when this story took a turn to a murderous place, but the second twist did catch me off guard. I love this story and I'm really hoping you have more. I do wish it was longer, but I know why you ended where you did. You did this on purpose, making me hungry to know more about Charlotte.
I put this on my "Favorites" list a long time ago, which I often do just to save stories other people have written so I can read them later. I didn't know it was so short, I would've read it so much sooner. But wow! I've never been too good at writing anything short, I elaborate too much and my stories unfold farther and farther out to end up really complex. This is perfect, the length, the idea, everything is clear and I like how it made me feel.
Just because it is sometimes interesting to read it this way, I encourage you to rearrange this poem just to see how it reads. Start with a stanza that begins "By day..." and then put all of the lines that have to do with daytime there. In the next stanza, list the "By night..." lines. Then, a new stanza to say "Day and night stand as two opposites in every way," and the three lines under that. Then, reread it. Some bits might be taken out of context and that's okay, but the point is: Did you write enough about daytime? Are you happy with the messages you've conveyed? Does it need one more tiny heartfelt line? Is it evenly distributed between daytime and night? Because you are trying to tell the reader that you're NOT happy, it's okay that it's not even. I'm not asking you to rearrange it as a permanent change, just as a practice exercise. Sometimes, it really helps you improve on poems dealing with opposites.
I think it is a wonderful poem as it is. You say you wrote this at 10? Very impressive, even if you've edited since then.
I hope your adulthood is happier than this poem! Keep writing!
First-person is a hard point of view to use, but I think you're doing a great job. This first chapter reeled me in, which is exactly what it should do. You should work on keeping the tense the same throughout the story, though. Changing tense can be confusing to the reader. For instance, "I stopped at the red light" is past tense, and "I will stop when I get to the red light" is not. The entire story needs to be one tense. It's an easy mistake to make when you're on a roll, though.
Everything seems to be spelled correctly, and the sentences flow smoothly. You could also try taking three sentences and rolling them into one, long sentence. This makes it less choppy."
Keep writing! You've got a serious talent. EVERYONE needs help when it comes to editing your own work, so don't let anything I've said discourage you. If you need more help on these things, I might be able to give better examples. Thanks for putting it here, I'll be sure to read the other chapters you have posted soon.
I really like your writing style. The story was comical, believable, and an everyday situation. I like reading stories that aren’t too “out there” to relax into.
The paragraph where it says “two days later,” followed by the paragraph that begins with “two weeks earlier,” was confusing to me. I think if you played with it, you could eliminate the awkward time skipping. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this story. You have a strong skill. Don’t stop writing!
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