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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/amh91e
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16 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there. I really like this articulate discussion of a hot-button in the english world. Passive voice is under attack! I am someone who "corrects" passive voicing whenever I see it (en masse) in the stories I review here on writing.com

I think my question, left unanswered by this article, is why is this:
"Fear of being eaten by the whale consumed the existence of the sardine sandwich."

better than this:
"The sardine sandwich was consumed with fear that it would be eaten by the whale." ?

I'm not a grammar-tician by any means, but I believe the second sentence is more passive, while still conveying your idea that the sandwich is the topic, not the whale.

Love to hear your thoughts on this difference, or your thoughts on why my question isn't valid! We can never be too sure that we've caught someone's gist.

Cheers!
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Review of Lost in Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Several weeks earlier, nobody could have foreseen what was now being described by James’ colleagues as his complete breakdown.
{color:green}-- This is awfully wordy for a first sentence. It's a complicated sentence, but I think it can be shortened somehow, perhaps: "Nobody foresaw James' complete breakdown." I think it makes the same point in much fewer words. I think the second sentence is similarly wordy.

"Arriving just three years earlier straight out of law school with no professional contacts, James had quickly topped everyone’s A-list."
{color:green}-- I understand that you're being hyperbolic in this section, but I still don't buy this. We've been given absolutely no information about this guy, so a brash statement like this seems silly. Why did he make such an impression? Just telling us he did isn't enough.

"His presence was requested at every major social gathering organized in the tri-state area and he had been personally invited on several occasions to dine at Gracie Mansion by the mayor himself."
{color:green}-- The wordiness again. Also these sentences read like a first draft. I could reword just about every one in the first paragraph to make them more direct and stylistically pleasing: "His presence was requested at every major social gathering in the tri-state area, and the mayor had invited him to dine at Gracie Mansion several times."

{color:green} Watch out for using unnecessary words, particularly "now" and "that" and state of being verbs like "had" - if you attempt to eliminate small words it tends to make your sentences much more dynamic.

"The sun beat down on the back of his neck with an intensity that he had not felt since he was still in college some ten years earlier. James closed his eyes and took a deep breath that seemed to rejuvenate a spirit that had long since been crushed. The smell of the sea and of freedom overtook him."
{color:green}This passage is an example of what I think is a troubling ambiguity in your writing so far. You've described without really describing anything. You haven't given the reader a clue as to what to feel. What does the intensity of that sun feel like? What is the smell of freedom? And saying that one breath rejuvenated a spirit that had been crushed is too easy. This passage is telling, not showing.

{color:green}In the description of "the shack" you use the word "shack" far too many times. Words should rarely be repeated within a paragraph.

"Unable to move, or to divert his glare from the scene that he found his gaze fixed upon, James watched the sun set over the Florida Bay for the next forty-five minutes, until the last ray of reddish-orange light was no longer visible. "
{color:green} This is again using way too many words. You're being redundant, and none of your words are adding any real description or color. "reddish-orange" for example, is lazy. What's another word for those colors? "umber" or "adobe" is better. A

{color:green}I stopped doing line edits because they would have been terribly redundant. This story right now reads very much like a first draft. Your sentences tend to be wandering and unnecessarily convoluated - oftentimes it seems like you've added afterthoughts at the end. Fewer words is always best. Varying words is good, too, and try not to repeat. Reading aloud helps a lot.

My other problem with this story is much larger. There is no meat to this story. If you hadn't chosen a topic that was very common, no one would have any idea what your character was talking about. Everyone knows that lawyers can become soulless, so they infer everything about why your character wanted to move away. But you haven't shown us that. Basically you haven't earned your character's resolution or decisions. All your descriptions are in very vague terms, and your explanation of your character's actions are cliched and also vague.

Here's my suggestion: Give us a solid scene, not expostulationi and ambiguous references to the smell of freedom. The great aunt's funeral is a good start, but even that scene isn't really given, it's explained. Show us why this guy breaks down, even more, show us how he breaks down. You start, but never quite get there. We're told he becomes paralyzed while looking out a window after a normal day. That's so anticlimactic, it's actually non-climactic.

I know this has been a very popular story, and I can see why because so much of the information we're not given is public knowledge. But as a writer it's your job to give us a well-known subject from a unique point of view, and I don't see that you've done that here.

I think your writing, on a basic sentence level, has a lot of potential and with some cleaning up could be very direct and clear.
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Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I could only read chapter one of your children's novel, but I enjoy your writing style in this first chapter. First I'll answer your specific questions:
are my characters realistic?
{color:green} I can't really say since this is only the first chapter, but they seem realistic enough for now! The grandmother's exchange with the wind and her vegetables is very creative, but I wonder if you couldn't clarify the "zephyr" bit a little more. Is that the mystery of this story? Exactly how these people converse with the wind, or why? It's a neat idea, so I just want to make sure people are understanding fully.
Is their enough description?:
{color:green}I think your description is very nice, but I would recommend trying to make everything stand out just a bit more. I know some of the best children's stories have begun by making somethign very strange about their setting. You might consider having some more really unique characteristics.
How does it flow?
{color:green}Excellently, your writing style is very readable with that nice whimsy required of children's stories
Is the dialogue effective?
{color:green}I think it's really great. The little girl's comment, "why does everyone leave me" is a little cheesey, I think. And I don't think children's literature is ever an excuse to be cheesey. Does it make you want to keep reading? :
{color:green}This is my only really negative comment. No. I think you might want to rework this first chapter because it's so very important. We really need something neat about this story that we haven't had in every other story about a little girl orphaned with her grandmother. I'm not well-versed in children's literature, at all, so I'm afraid I have little suggestions, other than making these characters very specifically special.

I thought the general ambiance of your piece was really lovely, and that, like I said, your writing lends itself well to the whimsical nature of children's lit.

Hope this helps,
Cheers!
4
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Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really like this opening. Great, artful use of sentence fragments. Hooray! I love it when people can bend the rules in the right way. I have a few suggestions that might make the opening even stronger:
"Please God, I’d rather be dead than this. This is harder than death. At least when you’re dead, you’re gone. Nothing and no one can touch you. I’m gone here too, all right. I’m gone, but not over."
-- For some reason the "please God" really bothers me! Who knows if it's a momentary distaste, or not. At the moment I feel like starting the sentence with "I'd" would be better. I also want at least one of the sentences about death eliminated, or combined. My choice would be "this is harder than death" - I would strike it, because the following sentences imply as much. I also don't like the penultimate sentence, I think the last one is much stronger and would be better without the proceeding.

"DING! DING! DING!
Elevators shut one-by-one in front of me, elevators that take a key to get from the ground floor to the top; elevator doors that might as well be eyes closing to look away in shame.
God-dammit."
-- I think this is another really superb image, but feel that some additional cutting would really make it even stronger. I would first cut the "dings" and the "god-dammit" at the end. Give us nothing but these strong, visually evocative images and we'll be all the more moved by them. These little asides only distract while not giving anything. Also, just call the elevator doors eyes turning away, get rid of "that might as well be" - it's weak, and slightly ambiguous. Plain, "elevator doors shut in front of me, like eyes turning away in shame" seems better to me.

"Me, on the other hand, I need to be anywhere but here."
-- I would cut everything before "I"

"She’s in handcuffs too, and bound around the waist to a wheelchair with leather straps."
-- need to reword this, sounds like the wheelchair has leather straps

"I’m here because I don’t have anybody who’d want otherwise"
-- I do understand this line, but I don't think it would hurt to reword it a little more clearly, maybe "because nobody cares to keep me out" (that's terrible, I know, but you get the idea).

I stopped doing line edits because it's clear you can write, so I think you can do your editing on your own. I'm sorry that I only have time to really review this first numeral, sorry especially since I wish I had time to read more! I probably will, later. I think this first part is really great. You've got lots of awesome imagery, greatly chosen details and a really nice use of language. The scene is very vivid - we can picture just about everything and I love that you can write sumptuously without over-describing, or over-writing.

For this first section, at least, I think you're well past the point of significant revision. I think now you need to work on pushing it toward perfection. Without knowing the rest of the story I can't comment on any of the details or characters being unnecessary as I don't know how they'll play out later. My suggestion is to look at every single sentence insularly and make sure that that sentence in and of itself is perfect: with absolutely no extra words. Then I'd suggest making sure that sentence isn't redundant given the ones before or after it. I feel like there are a few places where you've described something in three sentences when it would be sufficient in one.

My only other word of caution would be that there are so many stories about mental institutions anymore. I bet I've read five since the advent of this review forum. This first section does a great job of making this institution specific and unique - characters immeiately established, along with a setting that isn't youre stereotypical white walls and padded chambers, etc. I would just encourage you to keep that up, and always be conscious of it while you're telling your story.

This is a great beginning, draws the reader in quite clearly and gives all the details an dinformation that one desires when starting a book, or novella, or whatever this becomes. If you'd like me to review the rest, just repost in my review forum and point out what I've reviewed before. I'd be happy to do it.
Cheers!
5
5
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm afraid I can only review one chapter at a time, but if you'd like me to review the subsequent chapters, just repost on the review forum.

"Ragged breathing reached my ears; whoever was standing beside me was exhausted and wounded. "
-- I have a problem with the personification in this first line, and what I feel is a backwards construction. I think it's much more active and interesting to say "Whoever stood beside me was exhausted and wounded. Their ragged breathing was hot against my ear." I know that's not a great opener, but my point is to eliminate the semicolon and personification of "breathing". It seems stronger that way.

"Our brethren surrounded us, brown fur covered in dried blood and dirt. "
-- This is a comma splice. You need to add something after the comma, such as "their brown fur was..." Comma splices are very popular these days, but according to my professors they're still unacceptable to the professional world.

"Our claws were worn with use in the continual battles; our eyes, straining to stay open."
-- This is another comma problem, and represents a passive trend in these opening sentences. Rephrase actively (and therefore strongly): "Our claws were worn from continuous battle and our eyes strained to stay open" - I don't think this rephrasing loses any of the immediacy, or intensity of your opening paragraph. The introduction to ragged breathing and images you've presented let readers feel the haggard, exhuasted mood - great job.

"I looked down at my own torso, where a large gash had just days before made its home; from time to time it still bled a bit, icy blue blood spurting out whenever I moved suddenly only to quickly coagulate once more. "
-- sorry to pick on this first paragraph, but I have the same problem with it. You've used the semicolon way too often. It's a dying punctuation mark, and while I can't say that you're using it incorrectly (does anyone really have that thing down? I'm sure someone does, but not me) I can say that it seems superfluous since all these things can (and should) be stated directly: I looked down at my own torso, where a large gash had just days before made its home; from time to time it still bled a bit, icy blue blood spurting out whenever I moved suddenly only to quickly coagulate once more. "I looked at the gash I'd received on my torso just days before. It still bled icy blue blood when I made sudden movements." - again, I'm not suggesting you use that sentence (I know it's bad) but that you eliminate about half the unnecessary words, and use simple constructions to convey your points. You're doing a great job with imagery, but it's being clouded by a convoluted sentence construction that just doesn't sound right in a reader's ear, particularly not to educated readers who know how to write.

"Looks like it’s going to rain... I thought as I looked into the cloudy sky through the window. "
-- I think it's more correct to say you looked "at" the sky, rather than "into".

"Checking my watch, it was about a quarter after 7 o’clock in the morning."
-- comma splice. I'm not positive, but I think both clauses on either side of a comma need to stand as sentences on their own (really unsure about that). I don't see why this can't be two sentences. "I checked my watch. It was quarter after 7 in the morning" - I eliminated "about" because it adds unnecessary ambiguity, and the fewer words the better.

" this time at the nigh-abandoned parking lot. "
-- "nigh" is a little too antiquated for a modern narrator. It comes off as kinda silly and pretentious.

"It may have been morning but for most people around here it was much too early, both in terms of time of day and of the week, to sit down to a lengthy breakfast."
-- This is an example of some over-explaining that I've noticed so far. We don't need a wordy explanation about why no one's there. Just say the place is nearly empty. These kind of descriptions get really tedious and are hard to word correctly.

When Sarra is introduced to the story you speak about some tone that the narratar "knows what that tone means" - but I don't exactly know what her hurried tone is supposed to convey, therefore I don't relate with Kat's nervousness later in the dialogue between them. Might want to make it a litlte bit more explicit, perhaps with a simile, they're always fun.

"I bit my lip and fidgeted a bit. I looked down at the tabletop for a moment before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, crumbling the paper into a ball and throwing it back into my purse, zipping it up. When I looked up at her again, I had a determined look on my face"
-- I'm really enjoying the exchange between these two characters, but I think this quote is an example of some more over-explaining. Do we really need a full account of her every movement? I know it's hard to avoid, but try to stick to actions that actually tell us something, instead of using action as an excuse to fill up a chapter - it will help make sure that your chapters stay active and driving instead of vaguely languid and wandering.

I think this first chapter has really great bones. I like the action, the introduction of characters and the natural discussion of supernatural events. I think your characters could use a litlte more meat, however. We're given very little physical description of their appearance, and what we are given is very banal. Hair color and height do little to distinguish characters from everyone else in the world. Give us some more information about our narrator, and give us a defining character trait about Sarra - a particular way of speaking, an aura, etc. I would also really suggesting cutting a lot of the action description, as I've pointed out in some of my line-edits. I don't think it would hinder the chapter, at all, and would make it even more exciting and compelling. Great job throwing us into the action right away, I think with some real cleaning up of your sentence construction (there are lots of writers on this site who are amazing grammar-masters) this could be a really powerful chapter. It does need quite a bit of work in the sheer writing department, though - you've got a great plot in mind and awesome action with potentially awesome characters, but their presentation is a litlte lacking. Some simple re-drafting and editing should fix that right away, though, as there are no enormous problems with your style, and it's clear you know how to write in a fundamental, but necessary way. I'd look forward to reading any subsequent drafts of chapters.
Cheers!
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Review of Heaven  Open in new Window.
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Then one tragic day, her life soon did end."
-- This line doesn't make exactly make sense, and it seems that it's forced into the rhythm and meter of the poem, or rather that you've chosen this phrase for the simple reason that it fits: did her life end in a single day? was she diagnosed with something on a single day? If you want to convey that her death was very sudden I think you need to do it another way.


"The Lord looked at her with eyes all so true"
-- I think this is another example of using words simply because they fit. YOu needed another syllable so you tossed in "all" - it doesn't make sense, first of all, and "all so true" doesn't tell me anything. It's description that doesn't actually describe anything.

This poem has a very nice sentiment, but I don't feel it's fully realized. THere's a shift from the great grandmother to this troubled person at the end - and the confidence that one is supposed to feel at the end isn't really earned. It almost seems like you use a person going to heaven as a device to state your final two stanzas - that we go through troubled times, but in the Lord can find solace. I have a problem with that, because I have a problem with anything that seems only a means to something else.

My other problem with this poem is that the language you've chosen isn't particularly creative. Lines like "no more will she be alone or feel blue" are very cliche - bordering on trite, and I think that's something you really want to avoid. This poem doesn't say anything that hasn't been said one hundred thousand times before. It's next to impossible to come up with a new philosophical stance, so an author's job is to present a known philosophical (or religious) stance in a unique way. A conversation with God is not unique, unfortunately it's been done nearly to death.

I love the idea of basing things around the death of a great grandmother, but I think you really need to decide what you're trying to say with this poem and to find a more concrete way to demonstrate that. Right now readers are given a little lecture, or lesson - I think poetry is always better when it's less didactic, and more demonstrative. What you're saying in this poem is lovely, and I don't want to downgrade the message you're trying to convey - but I think real poetry; conveying that message through concrete images and events - will be ten times more powerful.

I think you have the potential to write a really great poem with concrete images, etc. because your rhythm in this poem is really fantastic. IT's very easy to read and there are almost no breaks in it whatsoever. I think this is a nice poem, but I think you're capable of writing much more than "nice."
7
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Review of The Ode in White  Open in new Window.
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
In this first section there is too much repetition of the town name. "The Town" works just fine most of the time. Names become laborious.

"The glitter of Ciudad-del-Dios’ gems and casinos are here to stay, never to fade away’ was a popular chant that echoed constantly in the town."
-- First, the "chant" doesn't ring well in the ear. Just try and chant it, it doesn't work out well. Plus, a town having a chant seems odd, might be better to consider it a "saying", or "slogan" something like that.

"Juan Morales was a jeweler who lived in this quaint town. "
-- Calling a town "quaint" is forced.. if the town is supposed to be quaint, then describe it in quaint terms, don't tell us it's quaint. I know this seems small, but it makes an author seem lazy. You've done the work to describe, so reap the rewards. Also, you're working with a strange psychic distance in this opening section. Phrases like "Juan Morales was a jeweler" is very impersonal and ambiguous because of the weak, state of being verbs

"A man of short frame, he had intriguing eyes, aquiline nose, square jaw and pale skin. His receding hairline and heavy-set features did nothing to further his already unappealing appearance."
-- despite the "short frame" and "pale skin" you've given us nothing that would lend to the description of "unappealing appearance". These sentences are formed nicely, I would just choose some more obviously unappealing features in the first sentence.

" But Juan’s stark and petite frame only belied his razor-sharp brains and his adroitness as a jeweler. Beneath the unassuming frame, there lurked a clever man and a shrewd craftsman."
-- "petite" doesn't seem right here. You've used the words short and heavyset.. so where does petite play in? Also, there's an ungraceful repetition of the word "frame" here - see if you can't combine these two sentences more directly. I feel like this piece is being over-written so far, with an attempt to sound like a good writer. I believe it's clear you are a good writer, so stop trying quite so hard.

"Juan, by nature, was a man of few words"
-- again, over-writing. Just say "He was a man of few words"

"As a young lad of fifteen, Juan had started out in his father’s shadows but in five years, by the time of his father’s death, he had made his mark as an expert in jewelry design. "
-- young, and lad are implied in "fifteen." Don't use extra words. "When he began at fifteen he was i his father's shadow, but when his father died five years later he'd already made his mark as an expert."

This entire first passage is very hard to read because it seems an attempt at good writing. It is very stilted, psychicly distant, and vaguely uninteresting. The writing style is very formal without apparent cause. That sounds awfully harsh, but it's uninteresting because of the writing style, not the subject matter. I think I've made my opinions on the style clear, from here on out I'll restrict my comments to the story in general.

The repetition of the town name has to stop. First, it's not a particularly graceful name, it doesn't roll right off the tongue, and any repetition of this magnitude is annoying. Just say "the town" or nothing, unless absolutely necessary. You don't need ot keep reminding us where all these things are happening.

"A marvel of nature, a pearl is formed ..."
-- You need to correct this switch in tense, and the textbook-ish discussion of how a pearl is formed is out of place.

There is far, far too much telling in this story. Everything that is already apparent is explained to death. We understand what Juan must be thinking when he sees the necklace there for his wife - don't walk us through his thoughts, show us his actions. His thoughts are obvious.

The ending is unsatisfying. That it was for a contest is alright, but the final paragraph seems very rushed, attempting to tie up loose ends, particularly the very last sentence.

My suggestion would be to really overhaul the style of this piece. Quit writing the story and tell it. I believe you are a good writer, but it seems that writing style is being taken terribly seriously at the moment. Allow for a looseness and flow in your language and I think things will be improved dramatically. Watch for phrases like "Character, who was etc. etc., was..." and numerous state of being verbs. Write directly and actively, but simply.

I think this is a very creative storyline and enjoy the plot.
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8
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
**Allyna sighed as she gazed into the fountain of blood.**
(c:blue) I realize this might not be the first line of the story, but if it were I would stay away from such common words as "sighing" and "gazing" - a description of what she looks like might be nice here. (/c)

**He had been gone for so long now. She wondered if he would ever come back.**
(C:blue) I would combine these two sentences: He had been gone for so long and she wondered if he would ever come back. (/c)
**A symbol of everlasting love, certainly he hadn’t forgotten… No! He was coming back; she tried convincing her self one more time, though she no longer believed it.**
(C:blue) this needs to be "It was a symbol..." or "surely he hadn't forgotten their symbol of..."
I take your point about having to convince yourself of something you no longer believe, but I think this point has become redundant by this point. I would prefer just one or two really nice lines about convincing herself against nagging doubts. I know it's always tempting in 3rd person to just state things, but letting the readers experience them through the characters is always more fun. (/c)

**It was time for her to put her own affairs aside and devote all of her energy to their clan, rebuilding it.**
(C:blue) "It was time for her to put her own affairs aside and devote her energy to rebuilding the clan." (/c)
** She gazed at the altar atop the fountain,**
(C:blue) I have trouble with picturing an altar on top of a fountain - not saying it's impossible, we just need more description. This entire passage could use more visual description, especially since it's a fantasy piece since that's one of the best parts about fantasy writing :) (/c)

**Glancing around the bank she paused before approaching the banker. **
(C:blue) This is an example of a really common mistake in writing that bugs a lot of editors: don't start sentences with "-ing" verbs! It's passive and confusing - instead try "She paused to glance around before approaching the banker."
Now, having said that, this sentence is also an example of described action that is relatively unnecessary. Is that pause supposed to suggest that she's uncomfortable there? Or is she a dramatic character who pauses and poses whenever she enters a room? If it's supposed to tell us something, then have it tell us something more explicitly - if it's not supposed to tell us something then do away with it. (/c)

***
I stopped doing line edits at this point. My overall impression is that this is a very neat idea for a story, but at the present stage it does not go above the standard cliche's one expects from a piece of fantasy fiction. The best way to get above the cliche is to be incredibly detailed in the world you've created. Don't settle with someone else's ideas of how vampires should act, or what their world should look like. There is tons of room in even this small passage for history of this clan and world. I would love to hear more about them, and I think that the basic idea for this story is terribly compelling. A married, potentially deserted clan leading female vampire? That sounds great! I would suggest just concentrating on your writing style, avoiding passive phrasing and sentence fragments, comma splices and choose words and details more carefully. Show us what the character is feeling through their actions and indirect thoughts, don't tell, it's much more fun for the reader to figure things out.

Great start, keep it up!
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9
Review by Pninian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I feel like the idea for this story is very interesting, but at present it could be written much better. So my suggestions are mainly on a sentence level, rather than broad ideas. To put it plainly: you are using too many words. I noticed several of the most basic errors of writing in your piece.
1. Redundancy. For example, buses are automobiles and yet you list them both as if they were two separate categories. Further phrases like "woodland forest" are very tiresome to a reader, and not helpful. Try to use good descriptive words, like "dense forest", or no adjectives at all. The point is to avoid using words that are already implied in an earlier word. Fewer, carefully chosen words is best.

2. Passive sentences are boring. Example:
"As Luis neared the edge of the road, he acknowledged the bad feeling that had been growing in his insides."
This could be stated much more directly: "Luis had a bad feeling as he stepped to the edge of the road."

3. Try to avoid too many "-ly" adverbs as they don't help as much as it would seem. I have a hard time eliminating them myself and find it's best to just go through and strike them completely after my first draft.

I could continue, but I don't want to seem too discouraging. These mistakes are all things that writers have to be told, so being told them doesn't mean that you're writing poorly. I see a lot of potential in this story, but would prefer it if things were shown much more than they were told.
For instance instead of constantly reiterating that the man is "having a bad feeling" you could have him have a stomach ache - saying nothing other than "his stomach hurt" - for foreshadowing. Using the setting for tonal effect would be great too - hot winds and stagnant air, etc. Let the readers have a bad feeling from the environment they're imagining, rather thant elling them that things are bad.

I hope this helps, I really enjoyed reading your story.
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