Jack,
I thinks this could be a very interesting story. Clearly these men know each other and there was some sort of betrayal that happened. I like it. The above piece needs work. Some of it was confusing and I think you can improve the sentence structure. I'm going to go through it so you understand what I mean.
When he rounded the corner, he saw them, not it. The reason I say that is because the next sentence says miles of soldiers of soldiers. If you said "army" then it would be appropriate. Miles of soldiers of soldiers - I've got to be honest, I'm not a fan of this sentence. Lines of soldiers as far as the eye could see or a sea of soldiers, it's up to you. In the next sentence, cold can't be blue. It's not a thing. The ice can be blue if you want, but not the cold.
So now here is where it gets confusing. He rounded the corner and saw a mass of men ready for war and now he's in a cold room? How is he in a room? Was he looking out a window when he saw the army? The first couple of sentences made it seem as though he was already on the battlefield. That needs to be fixed. If he's in a room (reading further he's in a tower), you need to make it clear. Also, a still frigid room? How about frigid? Still frigid indicates that someone tried to warm it up and I see no evidence of that. If he's looking to the commanders, they should be "his" army, not "the" army. There are two armies on the battlefield and to not be specific would be confusing.
So there is a flash of heat. Hmm. Typically there is a flash of light. But Okay, heat. Where is the heat coming from? Certainly not the arrows, unless they are flaming arrows. That would work, but you should explain that. Also, the sound of arrows flying. It almost sounds as if they room is filling with arrows. I would suggest you make it clear that the arrows are outside. It might seem obvious to you, but you have to look at it from the reader's perspective.
He's running down to a bridge. Okay, but then he's looking down at the battle from the bridge. Is the bridge half way down? Typically there are no bridges on towers. There could be balconies or porches, though. So after trudging down even more stairs, he's on his horse and in the thick of battle. He's in deep, slashing everything. Blood's everywhere. That's good. Exciting. Just a comment, though: men's, horse's and animals'. Horses are generally considered animals, so I think you can take animals out. Unless there's some other type of animal that is on the battlefield. If so, you should be specific and name it. The cold stung his face -- good. The ice on the beard is dramatic, but has he been down there long enough for this to happen? Also, in order for ice to form, there has to be moisture. Is he sweating so much it's dripping into his beard and turning to ice? Is it snowing? raining? Also, just curious -- where are the commanders? Are they still in the room contemplating the war? Did they follow him down the tower? Where did they go? You need to tell the audience what, if anything they're doing.
He's fighting and now he's galloping away. Okay, but he's leaving the war below him? Is he riding up somewhere? This needs to be explained. A nearby hill? Certainly not up to the tower. Please make this clear.
Okay, so now he's spotted him -- his frenemy. There's an exchange of words. Riders do not unmount their horses, they dismount. Another thing about the dialog -- you can't glare sarcastically. You can glare and then speak sarcastically. I don't know if Tirannius would respond grimly. He seems pretty pissed. Maybe he hissed? His words dripping with hate? Up to you.
So now they're getting ready to fight. Marcus had galloped up somewhere away from the battle, but now it's raging all around them. It's either or -- it can't be both. Also, when you finish your dialog, you should start another paragraph.
The big fight is on! Marcus hits Tirannius in the head. He's spitting blood. Why? If he got hit in the head why is he spitting blood? Maybe if he got hit in the mouth... Blood could be flowing from a head wound. Tirannius is pissed, totally understandable. There is definite rage, but I wouldn't say betrayal. These two guys were enemies the second they saw each other. If they were riding around the battle as best buds and then Marcus hit him, then that would be a betrayal.
So that's it. I think the story is exciting and it would be VERY interesting to see where this goes. I hope you understand that my comments are made to help you. Do with them what you will, or don't do anything at all. I hope you finish it. I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing! |
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