Review
 
What is this piece all about?
Alison and Tyler, fraternal twins, are devastated when their mother dies giving birth to Haley, their new sister. At school, their mutual grief draw them closer together and forms a barrier to keep others at bay. However, a new student, Alex, makes an impression on Alison, and when she goes into the forest, to be alone, she meets him there. They talk and end up splashing each other with water. Before she returns home, he warns her not to go back to such a lonely spot while a murderer is still on the loose. As she runs home she gets the strongest feeling that something awful is about to happen.
Did anything interrupt the flow?
Before I start Jessica, can I please congratulate you on the excellent presentation of your work. There are very few punctuation or spelling errors, and it lends your work an added sense of maturity. However after reading both the Prologue and Chapter 1, I would guess that you are much younger than your ability to write might suggest.
One thing that I noticed almost immediately are the issues with Point of View (PoV).
In the prologue someone is thinking about a change coming. You say “ A sigh escaped her mouth. Her eyes were wary.” As a writer you need to be very careful about who’s head you are in and what they could possibly see, think and experience. The person being spoken of in the Prologue, may have felt frightened, wary, of even nervous, BUT, only an outsider would have noticed if her eyes were wary. The same can be said of Alison. She can notice other people’s expressions, but she can’t see hers unless she is looking into a mirror. E.g. you say “She looked up from her schedule, her expression surprised.” It would be better to just say, “Surprised, she looked up from her schedule.”
You also say that Alison is 17, and then casually mention that she drives a Ferrari. When I read that I just thought, “WHAT! Doesn’t Jessica know how much a Ferrari would costs to insure if driven by a 17 year old?” Lets just say you could probably buy a brand new car for that amount. This may be fiction, but it has to be believable fiction. Perhaps the car is a 30yr old model, it was her mother’s and an old uncle insures it for her as a gift etc…I felt you might just as well mention she had two heads and no one ever stared at her because of it.
One other point I found faintly unbelievable was all these other students being incredibly insensitive as to harass two young people who had just lost their mother, by asking them out on dates. My experience would be that unless they didn’t know their mother had died (and I am sure their other friends would be only too willing to point this out) they would be left alone, until they felt able to talk without bursting into tears.
One last point. When Alison thinks about her father, she calls him Jonathon. This is a little strange. Even adults with children of their own refer to their parents as Mum and Dad, rather than referring to them by their Christian names. It could be that she’s been trained by her parents to call them by their Christian names since she was a child, but I think that would deserve a mention if it was the case.
Is there anyway to improve this?
As a writer, if you are going to write about something you have no experience of, then you need to do a lot of research. The old adage to writers, that they should write about what they know best, still holds true. However, you have a very mature writing style, and I am sure you have a story in your head that is just demanding to be put onto the page. I would recommend that you get one with that and write it all out and solve this other little niggles at the editing and polishing stage.
What did I like best? 
You wrote Alex as an enigma. That was great character development. He really intrigued me, and I found myself wanting to find out more about him.
Overall Impression
Excellent presentation and the beginnings of a really interesting story. Keep it up Jessica, but let's leave the Ferrari in the garage.
Please remember that these are just my own personal thoughts and that you, as the author, have every right to ignore them and stay with your original vision.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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| (3.5)
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