I am an amateur writer--very amateur--but I feel like the excerpt that you've posted is not the beginning of the story. I think that if you back up a little bit, and start developing Lucy's character, you'll find out why someone would want to kidnap her. I can feel a great story behind her, but am not sure what it is exactly. Give us more information about her job, where she lives, and what kind of past she has. I think once you find out who Lucy is, the rest of the story will begin to fall into place. I also think that if you find Lucy, you'll be able to add more details about what surrounds her, and it will help your writing flow more and take away some of the choppiness.
I was really interested the whole time and read this and hope that you continue the story. I hope my advice helped!!!
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