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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anizamh
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31 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very touching story *Frown*...

Technical Details
No errors that I've noticed.

Plot & Setting
Plot is straightforward and easy to understand. Setting was not described sufficiently to provide me with a clear picture of the surroundings.

Characterization
Character development was fine. Her guilt and anguish were written well. I can feel her pain and feel saddened by the events that unfolded nearly 2 decades ago.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Angry that such practices are still the tradition in some countries. Sad because a mother's bond with her child is sacred and losing a child in any way means that a part of the mother is lost too, or dead, as how you've described it.

Areas of Improvement
1. A little bit of history on why daughters are abhorred while sons are revered would be an interesting addition to this piece.

Keep up the good work! *Smile*
2
2
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! My opinion on your piece:

Technical Details
Spelling, grammar, punctuation all seem to be in place.

Subject/Content/Message
Subject matter is clear and content is concise, yet bringing the message across.

Tone
The tone here is melancholic and flat throughout. There is nothing to make me more curious or tell me something that I didn't already know. Like you mentioned in the first para, everybody has been there, experienced this and knows the falling-out-of-love rituals. Though your piece intended to motivate that we can rise after the fall, the tone was not set to reflect this.

Areas of Improvement
1. Bring in personality by highlighting your own experience.

2. Add in a lighter tone, humourous even, so that fallen-out readers are uplifted and 'feel' that they can get out of a break-up and be happy. I noticed instances of humour in the first para, but it didn't continue.

I'm certain you can do this. Keep on! *Smile*
3
3
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! Good work here! *Bigsmile*

After reading this piece the first time, I thought 'you' is a janitor. Then, reading it again, I concluded that maybe 'you' is the angel of death. Now, reading it the third time, it's just a hurricane? *Smile*

The setting was described very well. I not only could imagine the environment, but you put me right there - I could smell and feel everything around me.

Since I have given you three different conclusions, you can give yourself a big pat on the back for doing a good job on dumbfounding me (if such a word exists!) *Wink*

Keep writing! And it wouldn't hurt if you could email me the answer! *Wink*
4
4
Review of The Visit  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! Here's what I think:

Technical Details
Grammar, punctuation and spelling all seem to be in place.

Plot & Setting
Plot and setting sufficiently described to help readers understand the situation.

Characterization
Good characterization of Ellie and Tim, though the part about Tim looking 40 is a bit exaggerated. I thought one is supposed to be more relaxed and youthful when bonding with nature? *Wink*

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Touched. It reminds me how blood is thicker than water. Sad that Tim wasn't by his father's side when he died.

Areas of Improvement
The ending was just a tad anti-climatic, leaving the message of your story unclear. Ellie visited Tim to invite him home, perhaps permanently or not. Yet when Tim refused, Ellie didn't do more to persuade him. Was it pride that stopped her from pleading with him?

I think it's good that you feature family as being something important in someone's life, but when Ellie just accepted Tim's refusal to come home without persuading him to even attend the funeral at least, it sends off a different message - I'm not quite sure what.

I enjoyed reading this piece. I live in a timezone of 18 hours behind time, where my family is. So I'm always fearful of anything happening to my family and I won't be able to get home on time. This piece brought home to me how critical it is to maintain a good relationship with your family *Bigsmile*.
5
5
Review of A Near Miss  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi! My thoughts:

Technical Details
No grammar, punctuation or spelling errors that I noticed. Simple use of words without any excess.

Plot & Setting
Simple plot without any suspense, nor clear motivation in the story. Setting was not developed sufficiently for readers to imagine the situation vividly.

Characterization
Character development was average. I don't know any more of his personality than that he was a soldier.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
I felt nothing. The end is supposed to be touching and sad somehow, but I fail to see why.

Areas of Improvement
1. More vivid imagery should be applied through ample use of words. Show, not tell, would be a good technique here. Readers would be able to identify with the character and the situation.

2. It's not clear why the soldier felt nothing when his colleague died but cried years later upon seeing the photo.

Hope this helps! Keep writing *Smile*
6
6
Review of For James  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi! Here's what I think of your story:

Technical Details
I noticed one mistake here:
         ...as I feel his spirit slip away, his heartbeat slow, his body become still. should be 'slowing down' and 'becoming still'. Other than that, the rest is fine.

Plot & Setting
Plot is straightforward with little suspense. Setting was well-described. I could imagine Alexis's sad life and the cruel sister she has to put up with.

Characterization
Their close friendship could have been portrayed in a stronger light. Alexis felt that she was at her lowest point in life, but I couldn't feel this, certainly not enough to warrant her wanting to kill herself. James apparently is an optimistic person, but this didn't come through very obviously. Alexis's sister is cruel, and this was shown clearly in her short dialogue. Well done here! *Smile*

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Touched by their close friendship and yet I could not feel its uniqueness because you didn't show it to me, except to mention that they are close. The end was suddenly over too quickly.

Areas of Improvement
1. Alexis felt that suicide was the solution to her pain, but I could not feel this pain of hers. She seemed to have had a really bad day. Everyone has bad days, but what makes the bad days really horrible that one decides to commit suicide? The answer to this should be reflected in your story.

2. People have a train of thoughts before they make life-altering decisions. When one is dying in a hospital, he/she thinks of family, loved ones, regrets, etc. When one is confronted with a threat on his life, fear runs through the mind, survival instincts kicks in and he tries to figure out how to live.

In your story, Alexis decided to kill herself. What were her train of thoughts when she was preparing to do this? This should be incorporated to add suspense to her decision, involving readers in her choice of suicide, making them empathize with her and hope that she wouldn't go through with it.

I like that this story revolves around how important best friends are in our lives *Smile*.

Hope this review helps. Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*
7
7
Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! Suspenseful story *Smile*. More of what I think:

Technical Details
No grammar, punctuation or spellings errors detected.

Plot & Setting
Full of suspense! Kept me at the edge of my seat while my finger itched to scroll down to the end *Laugh*. Setting well-described, painting a vivid picture of the surroundings and his deep feelings for Emily.

Characterization
Character development was good. It implied he had a past, and mentioned it in passing. That leaves readers with the constant curiosity about Jack. Not so clear on Emily's character. Her father's character, though brief, came through clearly.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Curious as to where the story was taking me. The ending is common but the route to getting there was a good ride. Well done!

Areas of Improvement
None that I can think of. Well-written, concise piece of work.

Keep it up! *Bigsmile*
8
8
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
WOW! You've taken thoughts right out of my head and put them in black-and-white! *Bigsmile* More:

Technical Details
No grammar, spelling or punctuation errors that I noticed.

Plot & Setting
No particular plot that I can see. It seems like the rendition of a day in an accountant's life. Setting sufficiently described to provide the image in readers' minds.

Characterization
Good portrayal of the dual lives one can lead, especially for those who try to balance full-time jobs and a serious hobby. Also well weaved is Richard's love for the website he frequents and everything he strives to do to ensure that he gets his 'fix' for the day *Smile*.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Like you know me too well! Richard can easily have been me, or anyone who is as crazy about WDC as he is! I identified with the character well, especially when it comes to waking up early in the morning to see what emails/reviews I'd received.

Areas of Improvement
None that I can think of. Simple read and yet many people would be able to identify with the character.
9
9
Review of Especially Jennie  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! Nice work *Smile*. More thoughts:

Technical Details
Just noticed one typo/spelling error in Para 1:
         ...currently she was the only women he was sleeping with.
I like the last para, the play on the word 'carats' as a vege was smart!

Plot & Setting
Para 2 tells me that Eric's eyes stray to other women, the title tells me that he looks especially at Jennie. The plot reflects only the title though so Eric does not actually have wandering eyes, just a fascination with Jennie alone. Setting is good, well-described and easy to identify with.

Characterization
Great characterization of men and women in general! *Laugh* A bit stereotypical of the successful businesswoman though - there is an implication that beauty made her successful, smart came a little later. Also displayed a realistic view of today's relationship and interaction between men and women.

We all flirt without realizing that we do it and sometimes we give off the wrong signals. If someone picks up the other end of the wrong signal, something could happen. Most people don't go out there thinking they want to cheat on their partners. It is when they are presented with the opportunity to do so that they begin considering their options. Good job here! *Bigsmile*

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Disturbed. Do all men think this way? I can almost see all men's 'hot-woman-alert' antenna popping out of their heads in all directions! Your piece also made me laugh at how Eric was struggling between his loyalty to Andrea and his lust for Jennie. There was a decent amount of suspense, not enough to force me to scroll to the end of the page, but sufficient to draw my attention through the whole story.

Areas of Improvement
1. The plot does not reflect that he is a man with wandering eyes, just a man who is attracted to his colleague. If you would like to portray Eric as a man who looks at other women, then perhaps it would be a good idea to start off with his thoughts of every other woman he meets, then zoom in on 'especially' Jennie.

2. The end does not seem like a realistic conclusion to his attraction to Jennie and faithfulness to Andrea. His problem seems to be his consideration of cheating on Andrea. You raised good questions about dual desires when Eric was in the restroom. The end should reflect how he answers these questions.

3. I had trouble figuring out who was saying what in some of the dialogues. I had to read it again, remember who spoke first and work the conversation from there. Perhaps it would help if you added some 'markers' to indicate the characters in the dialogue.

I enjoyed reading this piece. Enlightening on the thoughts and behaviours of men and women towards relationships - steady couple, colleague and a view of marriage.

Good work! *Bigsmile*
10
10
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! Cool story *Smile*. Here's what I think:

Technical Details
No grammar, punctuation or spelling errors detected.

Plot & Setting
Educational and informative, though it lacked imagery. Para 1 started off with letting readers know the different colours of the offsprings of the first neutral werewolf (WW). This could have easily been a fictional biography of these six pups thereafter.

Characterization
Not much except for the continuing life to extinction of these neutral WW in general.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Curious as WW have always been filmed as evil creatures. I'd have liked a lengthier piece which tells of the family in Para 1.

Areas of Improvement
It's a very simplistic story and could easily develop as a legend or fable targeted for children. I do think you can build on this even more through words that allow readers to visualize these neutral WW.

Good piece! Keep writing *Smile*
11
11
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Nice work *Smile*

Technical Details
Good use of words, grammar, punctuation. No spelling mistakes that I could see.

Plot & Setting
No obvious plot necessary here, just a road to realization, which was well-described.

Characterization
Good characterization of 'I'. Nice talespinning through her epiphany of being middle-aged *Smile*

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Nostalgic. I compare my age now to a decade ago when I was just finishing high school and the whole world was before me. I also compare it to a time when I was a child and had not yet developed the cynical POV of adults.

Areas of Improvement
This story could have been written with a comical slant. In fact, your words sound almost shy of being funny. Let go and your story can become sarcastically hilarious *Wink*

Nice work though and good luck for when you hit half-a-century! *Laugh*
12
12
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi! My thoughts:

Technical Details
There are some missing punctuation marks. Change in tenses through the story is a bit distracting.

Plot & Setting
Though brief, the setting was fine for me to imagine his daily boring life. Your words drew a plot, which I thought would uncover itself later, but didn't.

Characterization
Good characterization. I can imagine an accountant's life!

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Depressed!. It reminded me how, if we let it be, our lives would be predictable and boring. It made me think of the last time I'd done something different. Good job!

Areas of Improvement
Your buildup of the story was good, but it ended anti-climatically. The subject matter was about lack of change. This woman distracted him, possibly inciting a chain of events that changes his daily routine. Yet it ended on just distraction.

The story was good though, so do keep at it! *Smile*
13
13
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! My thoughts:

Technical Details
A few unsuitable use of words (Eg.'starvation'is better replaced with 'hunger') and some errors in punctuation (missing apostrophe, comma).

Plot & Setting
Well done with the setting! Your words painted a vivid image of everything. Plot had an unexpected twist in the end. Good job!

Characterization
Good characterization of Tom, though I can't imagine his physical image - age, height, etc.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Nervous, panic. I was afraid for Tom, especially when Bill showed up. A little predictable because I knew Bill would find Tom.

Areas of Improvement
The end was too sudden. Even though Tom was familiar with the old man, trust should still be established. I almost missed the part where the old man snapped Tom's neck. This part could have been elaborated better.

This story has a very 'Twilight Zone' feel to it *Smile*. Nice work!
14
14
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! My thoughts:

Technical Details
Grammar, punctuation & spelling seem to be in place. There is a repetition of meaning in one sentence:
         Sarah felt so much more ready and prepared this time around.

Plot & Setting
Nice weaving of the story. I could imagine the circumstances all the way.

Characterization
Good characterization of Sarah & John: generally, it was a good representation of married couples.

How Your Piece Made Me Feel
Sad & alone. It reminds me that, though marriage brings two people together, it's each individual that makes it work. For everything that happens, each is still alone in his/her thoughts & feelings.

Areas of Improvement
The end was summed up pretty well with the 2nd last para. You spoke of marriage, which is the subject matter. The last para starts a new topic-loss.

Good piece. I was honestly touched by it. I felt for the couple. Nice work! *Bigsmile*
15
15
Review of Big Eddie  Open in new Window.
Review by Ghostwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! Here are my thoughts:

Technical Details
Grammar, punctuation and spelling seems to be fine. This is assuming that Eddie's dialogue is meant to be in that sort of language *Wink*.

Plot & Setting
So far I can't see a plot in this short write. Neither can I imagine or guess one up. Setting is blurry - all I know is that this scene takes place in an alley, but was it dark, bright, dirty, smelly? I don't know because you didn't show me.

Characterization
Characterization of Eddie is clear, him being the big gangster type of man. The part about him spitting up a pool at his feet is a bit exaggerated though. Woody is a complete mystery to me. He wanted to run away, but what were his feelings? His thoughts? His actions? Was he nervous? Did he sweat? What about his hearbeat? Though you mentioned he was scared, I didn't feel his fear.

How your piece made me feel
Honestly, I did not feel much. Although Eddie tried to appear scary and intimidating, I didn't feel any fear or panic. Nor did I feel afraid on behalf of Woody, who should have been shaking in his shoes at being confronted by Eddie.

Areas of Improvement
1. You could work on showing, not telling, readers about Woody and Eddie. Describe feelings and thoughts that they may have, especially Woody, since he appears to be the victim here. When someone is in fear, senses are heightened, and he or she is very aware of the surroundings. Many thoughts run through his or her head too - regret, anger, fear, etc. All these should be captured in words to assist the reader to feel involved with the characters.

2. Help readers visualize the environment by providing explanations about the lighting, smell, feeling of being there, etc. Describing the environment can actually set the mood for your story. If I could imagine that the alley was dark and dirty, or is well-known as a body-dumping site, then I could probably feel Woody's fear. This coupled with 'sweat trickled down Woody's forehead while his heart thumped erratically', would show me that Woody has good reason to be afraid.

3. The last line is actually suspenseful and could be climatic if it were preceded by a more thorough writing of the setting and characterization, as explained above in (1) and (2).

All in all, it's not a bad piece. You just need to revise it a little to turn it into something more real, frightening and suspenseful. I'm sure you are able to do it! *Smile* Good luck!
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